Wrestlemania XV (Part 3)
– Video plays hyping up the feud between the Ministry of Darkness and the Corporation. This looks like some crazy shit. In a good way, I mean.
Match #9
Hell in a Cell
Big Bossman vs. The Undertaker(w/Paul Bearer)
-Gee, I wonder who wins this one.
– Taker looking bad-ass with that jacket.
#SwagTaker
– Taker’s entrance, of course, takes forever.
– Bossman rocks Taker with punches at the start of the match but the Deadman quickly returns fire and puts Bossman on the defensive.
– Bossman knocks Taker down but Taker sits right back up and goes back to beating Bossman’s ass.
– Both guys toss each other into the cell.
– Bossman handcuffs Taker to the cell and it looks like Taker is about to become Rodney King.
– Taker gets beat down with the night stick but somehow slips out of the cuffs in the process.
– Taker blades as a good amount of blood covers his face.
– Bossman bladed for some reason. I don’t know, I’ve kinda stopped paying attention.
– Taker goes for Old School but Bossman counters and causes Taker to nut himself on the ropes. Even dead people sell nut shots.
– This match is dull as hell. Crowd does not give a f***.
– They d*** around for a couple more minutes before Taker scoops Bossman up for the Tombstone for the win. They tried but that match was just…eh. Nobody cared about it.
-lol, the Brood repelled down from the ceiling and landed on top of the cell.
– The Brood hang a noose from the top of the cell. It takes them an awkwardly long time to do it. Taker wraps the noose around Bossman’s neck as the Brood repel back into the ceiling and presumably die on their way back to their home planet.
– LOL, Edge gets stuck.
– Bearer hits a switch to bring the cell up and Bossman gets hanged in a scene that I’m sure was fun to explain when Linda ran for Senator 13 years later.
“They are LITERALLY hanging from the rafters!”
– Cole screams “Is this symbolic!?” The f*** do you think!?
– Lights go out while Bossman is just hanging around. Get it? GET IT!?
– Video recaps WWF Rage which was basically a WWF-sponsored party the night before. It looks freaking awesome. Kinda like Axxess but edgier. There was live concerts and stuff.
– “You know, I”m having some trouble getting around because of my leg. Just thought I would let you know..LIMPIN’ AIN’T EASY!”-Mick Foley
– Damn, Issac Hayes performed at this thing.
– Oh snap son! Good Ol’ JR is back to call the main event.
Match #10
No-Disqualification
WWF Championship
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin vs. The Rock(c)
– Right after Vince comes out, WWF Commissioner HBK comes out and tells Vince that he’s the only that can appoint a ref for a match at Mania. H-B-Shizzle tells Vince to f*** off, he’s not the ref. He also bars the Corporation (but maybe not Vince) from ringside. Mike Chioda is reffing the match.
– Thankfully, Rock understands that Mania is more important than him being insecure over his moobs so he ditches the warm-ups for actual gear this time around.
– Stone Cold, on the other hand, comes out wearing a shitty $20 t-shirt that any fan could just pick up at the merch stand looking like a complete bum compared the Rock. What, did he lose his jacket?
– Both men come out swinging at the start of the match and brawl inside and outside of the ring.
– They go into the crowd. Jesus, does that happen in every Austin PPV match this year?
– These fans are some of the goofiest looking bastards I’ve ever seen.
– Eventually, the match makes it back to ringside where Rock chokes Austin with a camera wire.
– They brawl up the ramp and near the soundstage. Again, this happened in the last two WWF title matches so it comes off as repetitive.
– They make their way over to where the fans are. Austin tries to hit a Piledriver but Rock counters, causing Austin’s leg (the one with the brace) to bang against a piece of the set.
– Despite the announcers selling the spot hard, Austin pretty much no-sells it and is back up and trading blows with Rock in seconds like nothing even happened.
– They throw each other into various pieces of the set.
– Austin takes a suplex on the ramp.
– Rocky takes control and spits water on Austin. Austin don’t take that s*** from no man, however, and soon does his forearm smash thingy to Rock while he’s laying down on the announce table.
– I’m guessing that was supposed to break the table because Austin does the exact same thing seconds later so it will break. Austin then spits water in Rock’s face.
– Austin is stomping a mudhole in the champ and walking it dry but Rock hits the Rock Bottom outtanowhere!!! This is Wrestlemania though, goddamn it, so one measly finisher isn’t enough to end the match.
– Apparently, Austin is the first guy to kick out of the Rock Bottom. Or maybe JR is a fucking liar, I don’t know.
– Rock brings a chair into the ring which Austin quickly confiscates only to accidentally hit the ref with it. Probably the fourth ref bump on this show, I don’t know, I’ve lost count.
– Austin goes for the Stunner but Rock counters it. The champ then smashes the chair repeatedly into the legs of the Rattlesnake.
– A new ref comes in and counts Rock’s pin but Austin kicks out.
-LOL, some smart ass fan got a sign that says “I bet Austin wins” on the hard camera side.
– Rock acts like it’s 89’, not 99’, by slapping on some rest holds to drain the challenger’s strength. Austin tries to make a comeback but almost gets beat by a Samoan Drop.
– Rock is so frustrated that he thinks the ref is screwing him. He lays the poor guy out with the Rock Bottom and that gives us Ref Bump #5.
– Rock immediately pays for his dickish ways as he turns around into a Stunner, Stunner, BAH GAWD STUNNER! A third ref, Earl Hebner, runs into the ring to count the pint but Rock kicks out.
– Vince comes back out (why did HBK let him come back?) and distracts Austin long enough for Rock to score with a low blow.
– Hebner tries to stop Vince from getting in the ring but Vince shows that his pimp hand is strong as he keeps his bottom bitch Hebner in line and knocks him out. Ref Bump #6 and the third one of this match alone.
– Austin gets mugged by the heels until Mankind comes staggering from the back to save the day. Foley is now the ref, I guess. Austin goes for a Schoolboy Rollup but the Rock barely gets his shoulder up.
– Match appears to be heading into the finishing stretch as Rock delivers the second Rock Bottom of the match. He goes for the Corporate Elbow but misses! Wait…STUNNER! STUNNER! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
-That’s enough to win the match and Vince looks like his world has just come to an end before his very eyes as Austin wins the WWF title again.
This is also how Vince looked when WWE stock took that huge drop
– Good match. It took a while for them to get going but once they found a groove, I enjoyed it. It was overbooked for sure but at least the overbooking worked here.
– And of course, what would an Austin title win be without a Stone Cold Beer Bash? Also, some asshole fan throws a toy into the ring.
– Hebner shares a beer with Austin for the working man.
– Vince confronts Austin, saying that he doesn’t deserve the title. Can you guess what happens next, kids? The new champ drops that sorry sumabitch on that stack of dimes he calls a neck with a Stunner.
– I just went back and checked. I was wrong. There was only five ref bumps on this show, not six. Six of the matches also had at least one person run-in. One of those run-ins didn’t even impact the finish. PMS running in during the tag title match was just there for the sake of being there.
This show can kiss the fattest part of my ass. 10 damn matches and only two of them (X-Pac/Shane and Rock/Austin) are worth anything. One of those matches, the women’s match, was the worst match I’ve seen in a long while. If I’ve seen a worse women’s match in the last few years or so, it’s not coming to mind. There were run-ins all over the place, most of the matches ended before they ever really got started, this was crash-TV booking at it’s absolute worst. I get that it was meant to storyline heavy but boy was this rotten as a stand-alone show. A good ending does not save a terrible show.
Match of the Night: X-Pac vs. Shane McMahon (I know some people are gonna disagree but I just loved the hell out this match. This reviews have made me an X-Pac mark and this match had me clamoring to see more of the DX/Corporation feud. Big thumbs up for this one)
Worst Match of the Night (and I hope to god, the worst of this review series): Sable vs. Tori
Updated Match Rankings
1. The Rock vs. Mankind (Royal Rumble, WWF title, I-Quit match)
2. The Rock vs. Mankind (St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, WWF title, Last Man Standing)
3. X-Pac vs. Shane McMahon (WM XV, European title)
4. The Rock vs. Stone Cold (WM XV, WWF title, No-Disqualification)
5. Ken Shamrock vs. Val Venis (St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, I-C title, Special Ref: Billy Gunn)
6. D-Lo Brown & Mark Henry vs. Jeff Jarrett & Owen Hart (St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, Tag Team titles)
7. Kane & Chyna vs. HHH & X-Pac (St. Valentine’s Day Massacre)
8. Bob Holly vs. Al Snow (St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, Hardcore title, Hardcore match)
9. Billy Gunn vs. Ken Shamrock (Royal Rumble, I-C title)
10. Al Snow vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Billy Gunn (WM XV, Hardcore title, Hardcore match)
11. X-Pac vs. Gangrel (Royal Rumble, European title)
12. Road Dogg vs. The Big Bossman (Royal Rumble)
13. Kane vs. HHH (WM XV)
14. Bart Gunn vs. Butterbean (WM XV, Brawl 4 All)
15. D-Lo Brown & Test vs. Jeff Jarrett & Owen Hart (WM XV, Tag Team titles)
16. Val Venis vs. Ken Shamrock vs. Goldust vs. Road Dogg (WM XV, I-C title, Elimination Fatal Four Way)
17. The Big Bossman vs. The Undertaker (WM XV, Hell in a Cell)
18. The Big Bossman vs. Mideon (St. Valentine’s Day Massacre)
19. Mankind vs. Big Show (WM XV, Winner refs main event)
20. Royal Rumble Match (Royal Rumble)
21. Stone Cold vs. Vince McMahon (St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, Steel Cage, if Austin won, he got a WWF title match at WM XV)
22. Sable vs. Luna (Royal Rumble, Women’s title, Strap match)
23. Goldust vs. “Bluedust” (St. Valentine’s Day Massacre)
24. Sable vs. Tori (WM XV, Women’s title)