Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! I took off last week to go to Indianapolis for HorrorHound Weekend, where I promoted the book and site, mingled with friends and made out with Linda Hamilton (I have photographic proof). While there, good friend of the site Emily (of The Deadly Doll’s House of Horror blog and the podcasts, Girls on Film and Gleekast) hooked me up with a copy of “Big and Hairy”, a film about a sasquatch playing basketball. I had seen a copy of this at a thrift store awhile ago, but regrettably put it back on the shelf. When I went back to get it, it was gone.
Thanks to Emily, I was able to borrow a copy and induct it into Movienalia! There is no film more fitting for Movienalia than “Big and Hairy”. Unless they make a film where a giraffe goes golfing (get on it, Toys ‘R Us). Until then, we’ll settle for this cinematic glory.
So kick back, relax, grab your favorite basketball-playing sasquatch and enjoy my torture of “Big and Hairy”!
-This film is brought to you by “Feature Films for Families”. This is for families who like to punish their children.
-Remember Richard Thomas from “It”? He decided his career wasn’t going anywhere, so he starred in this. Too bad he’s the child protagonist’s father and not the saquatch.
-The child protagonist is named Picasso Dewlap. Was Michelangelo Hickenbottom taken?
-Picasso writes in a diary. You’re supposed to paint, damn it!
-Picasso’s father works as a designer at a lawn ornament factory. What new designs is he bringing? Is he adding a dimple to the gnome?
-This was based on a novel?!? What has the world come to?
-Picasso joined the basketball team to make friends, but was unsuccessful. Maybe he should enlist in the army.
-“Tonight, my life on the island changed. It got worse!” Steve Guttenberg replaced Richard Thomas as your father?
-Bumstock Sportsplex may be the worst arena name ever.
-They named it Bumstock Sportsplex after the local lawn ornament tycoon. That’s right, a lawn ornament tycoon. They just opened a restaurant down the street named after the pool noodle tycoon.
-Bumstock has an obsession with middle school basketball. Are we sure he doesn’t just have an obsession with the middle schoolers?
-“I’d rather be ignored than despised.” Now he’s quoting Gary Coleman.
-“Good thing my parents love me no matter what.” They named you Picasso Dewlap. They don’t love you.
-Picasso lost the game for his team. Maybe he’ll get lucky and find Michael Jordan’s shoes.
-“You choked! You’re a choker!” Says the girl dressed up like a jester from the Renaissance Faire.
-Their team name is the Lawn Ornaments. Are you fucking kidding me?!?
-We just had a gag where Picasso turned on the fan and he and the coach struggled to turn it off. I hope when the sasquatch appears, he eats them all.
-“I want to talk about tonight’s game.” You all suck! That is all.
-Richard Thomas looks like he’s on drugs. Maybe that’s why he took this role.
-How does a sasquatch sneak around a crowded island unnoticed?
-“Every Lawn Ornament gets a free burger after every game.” Sweet! I’m bringing Gnomeo with me next time.
-“Cedar Islands is famous for two things. Lawn ornament and basketball.” Isn’t that what Cedar Rapids is famous for too?
-This may be the first season the Lawn Ornaments don’t make the tournament playoffs. How many other teams are there on the island? Three?
-A local kid seen a bear on a boat. That sounds like a Lonely Island song.
-“There aren’t many opportunities for a ceramic lawn ornament designer.” You don’t say?
-This movie is boosting my confidence. If a lawn ornament designer can find a woman, then so can I!
-How has nobody besides Picasso seen the giant footprint in the dirt?
-The Lawn Ornaments have traveled to Rockweed Middle School for a game. The writers were on crack, weren’t they?
-Did Picasso just score? Is he dreaming?
-“I think I have the flu. The Canadian flu.” What?!?
-The Lawn Ornaments lost to the Fighting Clams. I can’t wait for their next match against the Jumping Giraffes.
-If the Lawn Ornaments don’t get into the tournament, the coach is fired. He may be better off.
-It’s Christmas Day! I hope they got the producers a better script.
-Why do people shake their presents? Just open the damn thing!
-Picasso’s father painted a basketball to match his son’s eyeballs. That’s just creepy.
-Picasso’s father just called the basketball a football. I don’t know a thing about sports, but even I can identify the correct balls. How stupid is this guy?
-Picasso’s parents made a mock-up of Hawaii to have a tropical Christmas. They even have a volcanic Santa Claus. Volcanic Santa Claus sounds like a better movie.
-One of Picasso’s gifts is a basketball net shaped like North America. This way he can study geography while he practices. What about the other countries? Where are their basketball nets? Racists.
-Who drops by their coach’s house for Christmas?
-Picasso arrived just in time for the sasquatch to break into his coach’s house. What a weak way to introduce the monster. The Hendersons at least ran over Harry.
-The sasquatch looks like Gheorghe Muresan.
-“Well, he certainly is big and hairy.” Did we really have to have somebody say the movie title in the film?
-The sasquatch is pretending to squeeze. How cute! And by cute, I mean stupid!
-The coach’s wife is allergic to sasquatches. That’s a rare allergy.
-“Did any of you see that show about Bigfoots?” You mean the Discovery Channel’s main lineup?
-The sasquatch is staying the night at Picasso’s. Let’s hope their sleepover doesn’t get big and hairy.
-The sasquatch is laying in flowers. I’m getting uncomfortable.
-The sasquatch is playing basketball with Picasso. This is the entire joke of the film, folks. Eat it up!
-“Close the doors.” Picasso said this rather seductively to the sasquatch. Now I’m really getting uncomfortable.
-“A Bigfoot playing middle school basketball?” Yep, that’s the premise. I can’t believe it either, coach.
-Picasso believes the sasquatch is twelve years old. How did he deduct this?
-“The league is for kids. It’s not for animals.” Tell that to Air Bud.
-Picasso thinks exploiting the sasquatch will make the other kids like him. He’s like a young paparazzi.
-The coach is going to let the sasquatch play on the team. But, it’s the Lawn Ornaments, not the Urban Legends.
-Picasso named the sasquatch Ed. But, that’s Matt LeBlanc’s monkey’s name!
-Wait a minute. Ed enrolled into the Middle School so he could play on the basketball team. Does this mean he has to attend classes too? Oh the lame and cheesy scenarios that can ensue.
-“Ed learns by imitating what he sees.” Let’s hope he doesn’t stumble upon a screening of “Encino Man”.
-If Ed learns by imitating what he sees, won’t he just choke like the rest of the Lawn Ornaments?
-“I want you to show him how to play basketball right.” If they knew how to play basketball right, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.
-Roland is the cocky player who never passes the ball. My guess is he’ll be a used car salesman when he grows up.
-Who knew a sasquatch would draw media attention?
-“Where’s the sasquatch?” A question often heard outside of the Lakers locker room.
-Is the coach being mistaken for a sasquatch going to be a running gag? I hope not.
-Picasso gave credit to the kid from earlier who spotted the sasquatch. Why not just have Picasso be the first to find him?
-Ed is having a public photo op at the lawn ornament factory. You read that right.
-Dexter is becoming friends with Picasso because he gave him credit. I once became friends with someone after giving them credit for finding a possessed Furby.
-People are claiming that Ed is a fake sasquatch. Even the crew aren’t buying the lousy costume.
-“Cedar Islands welcomes a big, hairy Lawn Ornament.” That’s a headline you don’t see every day.
-“It’s not fair to put a seven foot tall animal in against a bunch of kids.” Well, life’s not fair. That’s a good lesson for the kids.
-The coach has to attend a hearing to prove to the board that Ed should be allowed to play basketball. Are they going to pull out the same handbook that was used in “Air Bud”?
-Picasso’s father just made fun of the Fighting Clams’ name. Really? You’re going to make fun of their name?
-He wants them to change their names to the Nurturing Clams. What the hell is wrong with Richard Thomas?
-Picasso stated that the rulebook never stated that animals can’t play basketball. Yep, they pulled the “Air Bud” trick.
-The board said they’d change the rulebook and ban sasquatches from playing basketball… next year. Why wait until next year?
-Picasso is making more friends thanks to Ed. He’s just using Ed. How sad!
-Ed was wearing sunglasses. What a glorious sight!
-The students are force feeding Ed. That’s kind of disturbing.
-The girls are giving Ed a makeover. Now he looks like one of my exes.
-Ed is now the mascot for a shoe company. Just go with it.
-Roland doesn’t like the fact that Ed is getting all of the attention. It’s not like there were Roland chants before he came on the scene.
-Ed got hit in the face with a basketball. I guess that spot was inevitable.
-They laughed at Ed getting hit with the basketball. How cruel!
-There’s a “We want Ed!” chant. I like to believe it’s a “We Want Head!” chant and Al Snow will burst from the locker room and win the game.
-You’d think they’d play Ed from the beginning. I guess they had to build suspense.
-Ed slam dunked. Not as good as Ernest, mind you.
-The coach is conducting an interview for the news. I guess they’ll allow anybody on television, no matter how uncharismatic they are.
-The board just announced that they overlooked an infraction on the Lawn Ornaments part. They have thirteen players and are only allowed to have twelve. How do you not take notice to that? I mean, that is your job.
-The Spuds won by forfeit because of this. They lose at life, though, because their name is the Spuds.
-The only way Ed can play on the team is if one of the members quits or gets kicked off. Naturally, everybody expects Picasso to drop out. I say Dexter should. He technically seen Ed first.
-Picasso can’t decide whether to stay on the team or drop out. He joined the team to make friends, but will lose them if he stays on and gets Ed kicked off. This is the strangest case of first world problems I’ve ever seen!
-“Who needs a choker?” Professional wrestling. They almost need somebody to make the main eventers look good.
-Ed is wearing overalls. Cue “Dueling Banjos”.
-The coach is also a teacher. That means if the Lawn Ornaments don’t make it into the tournament and he’s fired, he still keeps his teaching position, right?
-Picasso announced in front of the class that he quits the team. What a shocker.
-Picasso is hiding from Ed. Why? It’s not like he forced you off of the team.
-There are more sasquatch sightings on the island. Are we going to get a horde of sasquatches playing basketball?
-Ed is depressed because Picasso is ignoring him. Way to be a dick, Picasso!
-“Who’d want a geek like me for a friend?” Other geeks?
-Ed drew a picture of him and Picasso and left it in his diary. I’d say that’s sweet, but it’s more an invasion of privacy.
-Ed and Picasso are hugging it out. Ari Gold be proud!
-I couldn’t care less about the happenings of the lawn ornament factory.
-“He was born to be a Bigfoot and live with other Bigfoots. It’s not fair to him to keep him on the team.” Philosophy from a middle schooler.
-“The only thing people care about is winning stupid basketball games.” That rings true in all walks of life.
-Why is attendance low for the game? Are people getting tired of seeing a sasquatch playing basketball? I know I am.
-Why are they playing “Stuck in the Middle With You”?
-The Lawn Ornaments winning is causing the local restaurant to lose business. What?!?
-Everybody in the film is getting bored. Now they know how the audience feels.
-Ed is standing over Picasso’s parents’ bed while they sleep and staring at them. That’ll replace the whale in my nightmares.
-Ed is sleeping with them. Now I’m definitely feeling uncomfortable.
-Ed made the bed break. I guess that gag was inevitable too.
-Ed is depressed because he misses the Bigfoot lifestyle. What lifestyle? The one where he wanders around aimlessly and avoids being caught on video?
-Ed is freezing in the woods. Shouldn’t he be used to that temperature? Not only did he used to live out in the wilderness, but his fur should keep him warm.
-The Lawn Ornaments are playing the Bulldogs. Finally! A basketball team with a sensible name.
-Ed isn’t playing this game and Roland is being a ball hog. We’re back to the beginning.
-“You couldn’t coach girls’ field hockey.” That’s kind of sexist.
-Picasso’s father unveiled his latest design; a regurgitated duck.
-Why wouldn’t Picasso unveil a sasquatch lawn ornament? You’d think that would sell well.
-Picasso’s father gets fired and he says “Thank you”. Does he always have to be nice and cheery?
-He’s happy he got fired because now he can start his own lawn ornament line. You know, because that’s a lucrative business to get into.
-Picasso’s father taught him that being different is good and helps you fit in. It’s a nice lesson, but I don’t care.
-The coach wants Ed to play in the next night’s game and go to the Valentine’s Day dance so he doesn’t get fired. That’s right, this man’s job centers around a sasquatch playing basketball and attending a school dance. I can’t believe I just typed that.
-Dexter just stood up to Roland. What a thrilling development in such a well built subplot.
-The crowd is starting a “We want Ed!” chant. Weren’t they bored of him about twenty minutes ago?
-Ed is actually sick. That wasn’t a cockamamie lie. I’ll be damned!
-Now it’s time for the Valentine’s Day dance. I wonder if Ed will get lucky.
-The coach is feeling guilty for exploiting Ed to keep his job. That’s how life works sometimes. Get used to it.
-Ed is dancing with a pretty girl. She must like her men hairy. I apologize for that joke.
-Ed is dancing to a “Footloose” knock-off. This is wonderfully terrible!
-The coach has announced that Ed won’t be playing in the championship finals because he feels bad for taking advantage of him. Couldn’t he feel bad after the big game? After all, sasquatches will be banned from playing basketball next season.
-“We don’t need him to win. We’re good enough! We really are!” No you’re not!
-Picasso was asked to be back on the team, but Roland pressured him to say no. Ten bucks says he winds up being on the team anyway and makes the winning basket.
-Picasso’s father made an Ed lawn ornament. About damn time!
-“Nobody has ever given us something like this before!” I don’t anybody has given someone a sasquatch playing basketball lawn ornament before.
-If the Lawn Ornaments don’t win the championship, the coach is fired. This has to be against the law.
-The coach stood up to the lawn ornament tycoon (calling him a bully) and got the townsfolk on his side. This town took pride in being famous for lawn ornaments, so their judgment isn’t the best.
-Roland is picking on Picasso and accusing him of convincing the coach to pull Ed from the game so they would be losers like him. You know Roland, if you were as good as you think you are, you wouldn’t be losing in the first place. Am I talking smack to a middle schooler? I’m losing it!
-Picasso stood up to Roland and is taking his spot on the team. Hooray.
-Picasso’s father feels a haiku coming on. I feel a sickness coming on.
-Roland tried to intimidate Picasso by threatening him over the phone, but he blew him off. Good for him!
-Picasso and Ed found other sasquatches in the woods. They should star their own basketball league.
-Picasso was abducted by the sasquatches. This is turning into a “Goosebumps” episode.
-It turns out the sasquatches are Ed’s parents and they’re embracing him and Picasso. The Manson Family also embraces people by abducting them.
-Ed and his parents are trying to take Picasso to the mountains with them. Is he going to squeal like a pig soon?
-Ed has set Picasso free so he can play in the championship game. Why was that a predicament?
-Picasso doesn’t want to play in the game. Wasn’t he just begging to be in? Make up your mind, kid!
-Dexter is playing in the game and doing fairly well. Why is Dexter trying to take over this movie?
-One of the Lawn Ornaments just got elbowed in the face. The championship game can get quite nasty.
-The championship game is going into overtime. Just what I wanted; for this to be dragged out.
-Picasso is finally entering the game. Before doing so, he traded sasquatch noises with the coach. Just when I thought this film couldn’t get any weirder…
-Picasso has two free throws. You know, just like in the beginning. Except this time he won’t choke. They’ll tease that he’s going to, but he won’t. Ray Charles can see where this is going.
-Somebody just started a “Choke!” chant. This crowd is intense!
-“He’s not going to choke. He’s an Island boy!” That’s an actual line in this film.
-Picasso made the game winning basket. Somebody owes me ten bucks.
-The evil lawn ornament tycoon has developed a heart and is apologizing for his actions. Ugh!
That’s “Big and Hairy”! A film that deserves to be in the same ranking as “Plan 9 From Outer Space” and “The Room” as a bad film that’s so entertaining in spite of it’s quality! It’s so cheesy and forcibly family friendly that it’s hard not to have a smile on your face. You’re smiling for the wrong reasons, but who cares? It’s unintentionally hilarious and I thank Emily for loaning me a copy!
I’ll see you all next week!
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