Survivor Series (Part 1)
November 14th, 1999
LIVE from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, Michigan (should have been Bombay, Michigan)
Attendance: 18, 735
Before I dive into the introduction, let me say this. *cough*
And they sayin’ I’m back, I’d agree with that
I just take my time with all this shit, I still believe in that
I had someone tell me I fell off, oh, I needed that!
And they wanna see me pick back up, well, where’d I leave it at?
Sorry everyone, school and real life obligations got in the way of this series but now that the school semester is close to wrapping up, I can get back on my grind! And what a way to get back into the swing of things than with Survivor Series 99’. I know what the main event is (it was originally scheduled to be Stone Cold vs. The Rock vs. HHH) and not much else about this show. So, let’s get into it!
– Like every PPV, we start off with a hype video, this one focusing on the main event triple-threat match. Just to make things more dramatic, Vince appoints himself as the special ref for the match.
– “I want to know if you’re a lying asshole or an honest asshole!”- Stone Cold to Vince. Tremendous.
– Haha, Lawler outright says, “you think the 97 Survivor Series was something? You ain’t seen nothing yet!” For some reason, I feel like that’s not gonna be true.
Match #1
Traditional 8-Man Survivor Series Match
The Godfather, D-Lo Brown, and The Headbangers (Mosh and Thrasher) vs. The Dudley Boys (Krispy Kreme & Butterbean) & The Acolytes (Bradshaw & Farooq)
– My lord, the Godfather is over. The roof comes off the joint when he comes out with the baddest bitches that 8-Mile has to offer. Lawler can’t stop talking puppies. Will his thirst ever be quenched?
– “The Godfather and his restaurant-quality hoes…” – JR. What a time to be alive.
– After getting in the ring with his property, he cuts a “Rah-Rah” promo where he openly tells the crowd to smoke some weed (RVD is like, “Get on my level, brah”) and say “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy!”
– Seems like everybody is desperate to get on the ho train as the Godfather’s partners also come out dressed as pimps. Godfather is surprising cool with his teammates aping his style.
– Bubba is still doing that stupid ass stuttering gimmick as he asks the Godfather if he’s gonna offer the Dudleyville natives some of his hoes. The hoes aren’t down with that at all. Think about that for a second. These are women who’s entire profession is based around sleeping with people. How much of an ugly mofo do you have to be for a ho to straight up say no? Godfather, of course, is like “lolno”
– It’s worth noting that The Acolytes and Dudleys actually wrestled each other back in September so understandably, there is some tension as it’s decided that Bubba Ray will start the match for his team. Mosh starts it off for his team and this one is underway!
– Surprisingly, some basic chain wrestling starts off the match as Mosh barely hops over Bubba during a leap-frog attempt. Mosh gets the better of the exchange but ends up getting drilled with a Clothesline after taking some time to flex for the gram.
– D-Von gets tagged in. He dicks around with Mosh for a bit before Thrasher takes his place. Some more dicking around ensues before Bradshaw blind tags himself in and starts beating the shit of Thrasher. Within 30 seconds, JBL murks the goober with a Clothesline From Hell and eliminates him from the match. HA HA, I LOVE IT MAGGLE.
– Mosh comes in with a Crossbody to replace his defeated partner but is soon met by a Big Boot from the Texan. In order to prove that all Republicans aren’t racist, Bradshaw invites his black friend Farooq to join in on this asswhooping. In a bit of nonsensical match psychology, Bradshaw flips off the opposing team, causing them to try to enter the ring. This distracts the ref from…his own partner trying to pin Mosh. What an idiot, haha.
– D-Von gets tagged in as some inoffensive, dull brawling ensues. Mosh earns the first “pause” moment of this show as he rubs his nuts all over the back of D-Von’s head while the Dudley is leaning on the ropes. What da hale?
– Ahahaha, I swear on a stack of bibles this is true. I looked away from the Network for one second to check my phone and when I looked back at the screen, the Dudleys are in the middle of hitting the 3D. Now, THAT’S a smooth transition. I’ve never been big on the Dudleys but I love the 3D. One of the best tag finishers (or hell, finishers period) of all time IMO. Anyway, Mosh gets eliminated.
– Realizing that two of his partners were worthless sacks of shit, D-Lo knows he’s gotta put in some work like his name was Jay-Z as he enters the match. Loud “D-Lo!” chants break out in Detroit as the Brown Man runs wild on Bubba. While beating on Bubba in the corner, D-Lo elbows Bradshaw in the face. For some reason, this sets Bradshaw off as he grabs a chair and proceeds to hit both D-Lo AND Bubba with a chair shot right in front of the ref for the DQ. JBL is eliminated. I must note that Bubba took the hardest freaking unprotected chair shot to the head that I’ve seen in this series since Rock killed Foley at the Royal Rumble. The chair has a massive dent now, that’s how hard it was. PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE. HA HA, I LOVE IT MAGGLE~!
– As the refs are making sure Bradshaw leaves, D-Von slides in and tries to pin the destroyed D-Lo. For some incredibly stupid reason, however, Farooq comes in and breaks up the pin. He wants to be the one to pin D-Lo as if it makes any kind of fucking difference. It looks like we are about to have a ninja moment on our hands as the teammates starting getting uppity with each other. Like the biggest goobers you’ve ever seen, they start brawling with each other outside of the ring and head up the ramp. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Bubba tries to pin D-Lo but he’s recovered enough by this point to be able to kick out.
– Farooq and D-Von are gone so I guess they got counted out. I’m guessing because it’s not made clear at all. They are just gone now and the match continues. Whatever, D-Lo hits the Sky High Spinebuster on Bubba but the stutter master kicks out. The Brown Man tries to finish Bubba off with a Hurricarana off the top ropes after placing him on the top turnbuckle but Bubba manages to counter it into a Powerbomb off the top! He got a mouth full of D-Lo’s salty balls but it’s still not enough as D-Lo kicks out.
– Both men get knocked down by a simultaneous Clothesline. D-Lo makes the hot tag to Godfather while Bubba makes the tag to…oh wait. The Godfather runs through his signature comeback including hitting the Ho-Train! Bubba’s goofy ass selling is perfect for that move. A Lo-Down Frog Splash from D-Lo ends it as the babyface team picks up the win!
– Decent little opener. There was some stupidity but the action was perfectly fine and the crowd did love D-Lo and the Godfather. Certainly not anything you need to go out of your way to see but it’s inoffensive.
– Now, it’s time for the debut of some nobody named Kurt Angle. Wonder if this kid will be anything in this business. I doubt it. Still, the WWF Production team does their best to put him over with a hype video. It’s basically Angle riding his own nuts and listing off all the amateur wrestling championships he’s won.
– “Kurt Angle, the most celebrated REAL athlete in WWF history!” That’s what the video closed with. …Huh. I mean, it’s true but what does that mean in the scope of kayfabe? That all the other wrestlers on the roster are fake athletes? Maybe that was meant to be heelish but that line just really stuck out to me for some reason.
Match #2
Shawn Stasiak vs. “The Most Celebrated Real Athlete in WWF History” Kurt Angle
– Weird hearing Angle coming out with no “You Suck!” chants. Hell, it’s weird hearing his WWE theme at all considering how long he’s been in TNA.
– Angle controls the early goings of the match, utilizing his amateur wrestling background. Not hard to see why they chose Stasiak for his first match since he can actually keep up with the amateur wrestling stuff since he’s got some collegiate credentials himself. The crowd ain’t feeling it though as they chant for the Red Wings.
– Angle snaps off a Belly to Belly Suplex and actually gets real heat from the crowd when he starts showboating. He spends too much time flexing, however, as Stasiak cuts him off with a Lariat and starts working him over in the corner.
Pictured here: the moment that made Randy Orton want to be a wrestler
– The crowd sits on their hands as Stasiak gets the heat (I guess? Both guys come off as heels) on Angle. The Olympic Gold Medalist fights his way out of a chinlock and wow, his strikes look horrible. Thankfully, he’d get much better at them as the years went on.
– In the middle of his comeback, Angle heads outside of the ring and grabs a mic. Right then and there, he cuts a short promo where he tells the crowd that they shouldn’t boo an Olympic Gold Medalist and that he’s the best in the world. I should also note that much like watching Kane in 1999 and comparing him to Korporate Kane in 2015, it’s kinda sad watching Angle in 1999 and comparing him to King Angle in 2015. Not as sad as Kane but still.
– Angle and Stasiak dick around for a bit to a tepid reaction before Meat hits a modified F5. He heads to the top rope and tries to hit a Crossbody but Angle demonstrates one of his “I’s” by moving out of the way. Mr. Moonsault quickly swoops in and hits the Angle Slam for the 3 count.
– Not a horrible match but it really wasn’t any good. As far as getting Angle’s character over, it was effective but the actual work itself was really uninspired. No kind of flow or psychology, they just did moves for 5 minutes and then had a finish.
– Haha, for absolutely no good reason, Stasiak no-sells the shit out of the move and hops right back up to his feet almost immediately after the bell rings. Weird. Lawler is insisting that the Angle Slam was originally his move. That’s another dude that’s like night and day when you compare their work this year to their work in 2015. Lawler is freaking hilarious on these shows.
– A recap of Sunday Night Heat is shown where HHH lured Rock and Austin into a trap by DX (Road Dogg & X-Pac) in the ring. His plan is thwarted, however, when his crew gets their asses handed to them as Rocky and Austin stand tall to close out the segment.
Match #3
Traditional Survivor Series 8-Man Tag Match
Val Venis, Mark Henry, Gangrel, & Steve Black man vs. The British Bulldog & The Mean Street Posse (Joey Abs, Pete Gas, & Rodney)
– …Jesus, could this match look any more random on paper?
– Does Gangrel’s entrance not make you want to rub your hands together like Birdman? It makes me want to.
– Bulldog is the European Champion if anybody cares. Apparently, the Posse is serving as his “backup.” OK, if you were gonna get backup to protect you, why would you bring three dudes that get no money, no power, and no respect like the Mean Street Posse? That’d be like if I needed a bodyguard and I hired Urkel.
#Squad
– Venis and Bulldog start it off. They go through “generic wrestling sequence #23” before Bulldog gets scurred and tags out to one of the Posse members. …Rodney, I think? Venis calls Bulldog bitch-made causing Davey Boy to nut up and tag himself back in the match.
– After planting Venis with a Suplex, Rodney gets tagged back in and immediately puts the boots to the porn star. The Posse member Slingshots Venis into the turnbuckle before hitting a Back Suplex.
– Venis fights his way back to a standing base before tagging in Blackman. Also, it turns out this Posse member is actually Pete Gas, not Rodney. Whatever, I’m not going back and editing my notes for a Mean Street Posse match.
– Much like how Bradshaw quickly murked Thrasher, Blackman murks Gas with a Bicycle Kick to make him the first man eliminated from this match. Crowd don’t give a fuck BTW.
– Black man tries to hit another Bicycle Kick as the real Rodney comes into the ring but the Posse member surprisingly ducks under it and takes “Hater of The” Blackman down with a Clothesline. Rodney does some dookie offense (Pete was alright but this dude outright sucks) before Black man takes over.
– It’s Gangrel’s turn to kill a jobber. He comes in and beats on Rodney for a bit before Abs cheap shots him from the apron. He tries to whack Gangrel again but ends up nailing his own partner like a true goober. Gangrel quickly hits Rodney with an Implant DDT to send him back to the showers.
– Abs is now the legal man and gets in some token offense before getting taken down by a Belly to Belly Suplex. I’ve lost interest in this match if you can’t already tell. Henry gets tagged in and quickly beats Abs with a Running Splash
– Bulldog is now the sole survivor for his team as he gets sent flying through the air by a Gorilla Press Slam from Henry. He has got that swamp ass like RVD as there is a big wet spot on the ass of his pants. Oh and Gangrel gets eliminated via a Superplex. LOL, you suck Gangrel.
– This is the weirdest Survivor Series match I’ve ever seen. Like a babyface, Bulldog fights against the odds and manages to eliminate Black man. Venis and Henry come in and try to double-team Bulldog but he catches them with a double Clothesline. So…is he still a heel or…? I have no idea what on earth is going on.
– Like a babyface, Bulldog fights off both men at the same time. Eventually, Venis gets sent to the outside and Henry mixes it up with Bulldog. Venis still the legal man though. That’s important to remember as Henry hits his Running Splash behind the ref’s back, leaving Bulldog in perfect position for a Money Shot for the win.
– Dookie match with some of the most ass-backwards psychology I’ve ever seen in a Survivor Series match. Like, wow. I have no idea who was supposed to be a heel or a babyface during that. Were there even any babyfaces in that match? It sure as hell didn’t feel like it. This sucked.
– Backstage, our best friend Michael “Black As” Cole walks into the diva’s locker room to interview them about their upcoming match. Like total pervs, they harass poor Michael Cole until it’s too awkward for him and he has to leave. Ah, baby Cole.
Match #4
Sudden Death 8-Woman Tag Match
Mae Young, Fabulous Moolah, Tori, & Debra vs. Jacqueline, Luna, Terri Runnels, & Ivory
– It’s worth noting that Debra comes out to a big pop. The magic of puppies~!
– This match is being held under “Sudden Death” rules meaning that there is no eliminations. It’s one fall to a finish. Thank the Lord. Moolah jumps Ivory as she is making her entrance and this one is on like a pot of neckbones, daddy. Luna and Mae are the two legal women to start off the match as the crowd chants “We want puppies!” to show that Lawler isn’t the only one dying of thirst.
– Moolah and Mae double-team Ivory with a Double Clothesline before Moolah pins Ivory for 3. …Wait. THAT’S IT!? I don’t know if something got fucked up there or what because Terri was clearly coming in to try and break up the pin. Maybe she just missed her cue and was too late or the ref screwed up somehow.
– Just to drive home the point that the match didn’t matter at all, Debra yanks off Terri Runnels top after the match for absolutely no good reason other than “hey, here’s some boobies. CHEER~!” The heels pout in the ring as the babyfaces celebrate…doing nothing, I guess. Moolah celebrates with Ivory’s title causing the two to get in a catfight where Ivory gets her ass kicked in a fair fight with a 60+ year old woman. And then, it’s over. What shit, haha. As poor as the divas division is now, it is undeniably in a better place than the division in 99’. Why not just flat out call it the “Fake Tits and Ass” division? If you’re gonna be this blatant about it, go all the way. This was the absolute worst of Crash-TV booking.
– So far, this show sucks. Not one match that I would call good on it.
– Lillian Garcia is backstage in the interview pit with X-Pac. Pac basically says that he carried Kane for months and now he’s gonna beat him in a match. Not a good promo but it was fine.
Match #5
X-Pac vs. Kane
– At some point between No Mercy and this show, Pac turned on Kane to re-form a heel version of DX. Before the match, we get a recap of Sunday Night Heat where Cole interviewed Kane and his girlfriend Tori. Better not let Katie Vick know that you are cheating on her, Big Red Machine. Anyway, Tori actually cuts a damn solid promo hyping up how Kane was the only one that backed Pac when he was dealing with his inferiority complex and that he’s gonna brush off everything Pac has said to focus on the match. Oh and she implies that Pac has a small dick. Turns out Kane isn’t the only one that can burn people. Maybe this is just casual sexism on my part but I honestly was not expecting her to be that natural of a talker. Better than X-Pac for sure, who’s been cutting promos a hell of a lot longer than Tori. So yeah, shout out to Tori. She may have put on the worst PPV match of 99’ with Sable but the gal can talk.
– Kane gets one of the biggest pops of the night so far when he comes out. The Local Man before he was famous!
– Pac jumps Kane from behind while he’s setting off his ring pyro to start the match. Pac lays into his opponent with strikes but Kane, of course, no-sells them. After returning fire with some shots of his own, Kane knocks the degenerate down with a Clothesline.
– Kane goes for the Kane Clothesline but gets cut off Pac and ends up nutting the turnbuckle before falling to the outside. The announcers are trying to tell the story that because Pac was his partner for so long, he knows how to counter every move Kane does. That’s all well and fine…except for the fact that Kane does THE SAME MOVES EVERY MATCH. Forget being his partner, all you have to do is watch like 5 Kane matches to be able to counter the Kane Clothesline.
– They brawl on the outside for a bit before they roll back into the ring where Pac takes control. The degenerate manages to knock Kane off his feet with a Spinning Heel Kick but Kane just goes “lol” and sits up.
– Pac goes for the Bronco Buster but ends up getting goozled! Fortunately, he fights his way out of the Chokeslam attempt but ends up eating a Tilt-A-Whirl Backbreaker. A young Brian Cage must have been watching at home as Kane gets his shit in by finally hitting the Kane Clothesline. Kane hits a super ugly Chokeslam (seems like he was going out of his way to protect Pac there) but Road Dogg runs down and breaks up the pin by pulling Kane off his friend. Of course that’s not a DQ.
– After murking Road Dogg for his interference, Kane rolls back into the ring but gets caught by an X-Factor! 1-2-NO! Kane tosses Pac off of him! A desperate Pac goes for a Crossbody but gets caught. It looks like it’s time for the Tombstone Piledriver but here comes HHH! He whacks Kane in the head with his WWF title for the instant DQ. Lame.
– After stomping on the Big Red Machine for a bit, the dastardly heels hold Kane in position so Pac can hit the Bronco Buster. Before he can do it, however, Tori runs down to make the save. She grabs Pac from behind but the degenerate, not knowing that it was Tori behind him, turns around and hits a Spin Kick right to the face of the blond bombshell. Uh oh, Spaghetti-O’s. Seeing his bae get laid out is enough for Kane to hop up to his feet and cause all the heels to flee in terror.
– Medical staff come in to check on Tori and bring her back to the world of the living with smelling salts. The match was alright given the time they had. Probably could have been better if they had more time and had an actual finish.