Ah, 2014. It was the year of Peyton Manning getting blown out in the Super Bowl, Brazil getting blown out in the World Cup final, and the Philadelphia 76ers getting blown out every game. We saw LeBron disappointing two separate fanbases, America caring about soccer again (for a month), and Sportsnation’s Facebook page churning out terrible sports related humor like Nick Saban churns out mediocre quarterbacks. We saw the emergence of rookies like Clowney, Wiggins, Manziel, and Parker. (Well, 3 of those guys are now injured, and the 4th plays for the Timberwolves, so I guess “emergence” is kind of a strong word.). We had heroes, villains, and Paul George snapping his leg like a twig on live television. So, as we leave this year and head on to 2015, first, there are some awards to be handed out.

THE 2014 YEAR END AWARDS, CLERKS EDITION

The Kevin James movie Clerks (at least, in this writer’s humble opinion), is possibly the most quotable ever, and thus, I’ll award quotes from the movie to the athletes who made us laugh, cry, and throw things at our television screens (here’s looking at you, Aaron Craft). Enjoy!

“I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?”

TO: Jerry Jones

Ugh. Fine. Jerry, you…you did good. Really. I mean, granted, you DID ruin the Super Bowl teams of the 90s by hiring Barry freaking Switzer, whose lack of coaching discipline led to the team slowly falling apart. And sure, you led the team to mediocrity throughout the early 2000s, botched your only chance at a Super Bowl by (again) hiring a coach that didn’t know what he was doing, and had the team set for mediocrity again this year. But you know what? Jerry, things…actually worked out this year for Dallas. Really. Tony Romo isn’t getting death threats mailed to his house by angry Cowboy fans. (well, he is, but there’s substantially less of them). Demarco Murray is the NFL’s leading rusher because it’s 2014 and the feature back is dying out. Your O-Line is the envy of the league. Dez Bryant doesn’t have to lie about hanging out with Deon Sanders anymore. Jerry, I’ve gotta hand it to you. You’re living proof that someone with literally no football administrative experience can put together a winning team. I mean, sure, all it took was ten years and you pissing off the NFL’s biggest fanbase, but hey, the ends justify the means, right?*

*Even when the ends are Dallas getting upset in round 1 by a wild card team and Cowboy fans calling for the literal execution of Jason Garrett. It’ll happen. Give it time.

“I’m stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages, working on my day off. The goddamn steel shutters are closed. I deal with every backward-assed fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish.”

TO: The Oakland Raiders

Eugh. This team is a dumpster fire, and has been since like 2003. Let’s take a look at what’s happened with this abomination of a franchise, shall we?

-They get screwed over in the Tuck Rule game, because they’re the Oakland Raiders. This spawns many conspiracy theories.

-Jon Gruden gets shipped to Tampa Bay, because when you have a young, dynamic head coach, it’s clearly in your favor to ship him off.

-Bill Callahan is hired.

-Bill Romanowski nearly kills a teammate in a training camp fight because Bill Romanowski is fucking insane. Later, Bill will be pushed by some fans as a Raiders Head Coach hopeful. Honestly, giving a known psychopath with literally no coaching experience an NFL Head Coaching job wouldn’t even be the worst decision this franchise has made.

-The Raiders, under Callahan, make the playoffs. They get to the Super Bowl and promptly play…Jon Gruden and the Tampa Bay Bucs!

-The Raiders get blown out because of course they did.

-Jon Gruden knew all of their plays because of course he would.

-This was the last time Oakland has been to the playoffs because of course it was.

-Then-Oakland wide receiver Tim Brown accuses Callahan of losing on purpose by changing the offensive game plan the week of the big game, because everything about this franchise is both terrible and confusing.

-Next season, Oakland goes like 4-12. Callahan, aside from sounding like a surly New Jersey auto mechanic, is also a terrible coach.

-Norv Turner is hired as head coach. This goes about as well as you’d think it would.

-The Raiders also draft Robert Gallery with Larry effing Fitzgerald sitting one pick down because of course they do.

-Norv Turner sucks as head coach, and the Raiders hire Art Shell.

-This goes as well as you think it would. (horribly)

-The Raiders trade for Randy Moss.

-This helps…a little, kinda.

-They still suck, even with a top 5 all time receiver playing for them.

-Moss is traded after like two seasons. There was a reported Moss/Aaron Rodgers trade in the works, but Oakland decided to instead go with…a 4th round pick from New England. Moss sets NFL records in the Patriots offense and Rodgers becomes the best Quarterback in the NFL, because God hates the Oakland Raiders.

-Lane Kiffin is hired as head coach. This will go well…

-The Raiders have the first overall pick in the 2007 draft. Kiffin wants Georgia Tech wideout Calvin Johnson. Owner Al Davis insisted on LSU quarterback Jamarcus Russell. The Raiders picked Russell.

-Surprise! Russell sucks. Kiffin gets fired after two years, with Al bitching him out in a final press conference.

-Calvin Johnson becomes the best wide receiver in the NFL, and Russell gains a ton of weight and hasn’t played a down since 2009.

-The Raiders consistently suck for a few years. Michael Crabtree, the blatantly obvious pick for the Raiders to make in the 2009 draft, is passed over for Darius Heyward-Bey in a move that shocks everyone but Raiders fans who are used to this by now.

-Heyward-Bey is a bust, as was predicted by everyone except Raiders management somehow

-A bunch of quarterbacks start for the Raiders. Some of them are draft picks. Some of them are veterans. None of them are good.

-The Raiders trade for Carson Palmer and Richard Seymour. They give up like four first round picks to do this.

-Al Davis dies. The team is inspired by the legendary owner, and honors his memory by…going 8-8 and missing the playoffs.

-Laugh all you want, that was their best season in like 7 years and they haven’t been that good since.

-The team comes to the realization that they’ve burned their draft picks for some above average veterans who are probably leaving soon anyways.

-The team drops back down to the NFL doldrums. Palmer leaves for Arizona, and Seymour just kinda leaves.

-After another awful season, the team does solid in the draft. Linebacker Khalil Mack and Quarterback Derek Carr are taken. Could this be…progress?

– The team then goes ahead and signs Maurice Jones Drew, Justin Tuck, and Matt Schaub. Schaub shows up in a promotional photo looking like he’s spent 6 months in prison.

-After some Raiders fans (okay, me) predicted a breakout season, Jones Drew gets injured (again), Tuck does nothing of note, and Schaub loses his job to Carr in like week three of the preseason.

-The Raiders do horrible in 2014, but somehow not horrible enough for the number one overall pick.

-Interim Coach Tony Sparano, as of the writing of this article, looks to be on his way out. Some Raiders fans push for the hiring of Rex Ryan because some Raiders fans are stupid.

-Reggie McKenzie (the General Manager who’s been tasked with cleaning up the mess that Al Davis created by burning draft picks like the Joker in The Dark Knight) promises that there’s going to be a lot of changes this offseason. This might end well, but knowing this team it probably won’t.

I should mention at this point that I’m a Raiders fan. God, I hate this team so much.

“It’s like in order to join they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.”

TO:The North Carolina Tar Heels

Sanctions upon sanctions upon sanctions. North Carolina is in the enviable position of having notable large scale academic fraud among the entire athletic department, meaning that heads are gonna roll in Chapel Hill once Mark Emmert gets on the scene. As if those smug douchebags in the Duke student section need any more ammunition.

“Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?”

TO:David Blatt

Yep. David Blatt’s under a no-pressure scenario for sure. I mean, a first time head coach, entering a job with LeBron, Kevin Love, and Kyrie as starters, with everyone expecting his team to win a title and no less, in a town with citizens more embittered and worn out than Charlie Sheen’s therapist, and a national media that will go nuts at his every move? What’s there to worry about, right?

“My friend here’s trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.”

TO:The Miami Heat

A lot changes as a result of one decision. Remember the LeBron Heat? Those were fun teams. Everyone hated them, whether it was D-Wade playing dirty, LeBron flopping, Bosh being Bosh, Chris Anderson looking like the world’s largest dopehead, or Eric Spoelstra looking like Bruno Mars and being twice as smug. Every time the Heat lost, everyone else won. It was awesome. It was like the Bad Boy Pistons, but better.

But now LBJ is gone, and the Heat aren’t evil basketball demon gods anymore. They’re just a regular team, maybe sometimes even a likable team. You don’t root for them to lose anymore, they’re just another veteran team grinding in the East trying to make the playoffs. They start Luol Deng and Shabazz Napier, for God’s sake! Innocent victims, I tell you.

“Are there any balls down there?”
“About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!”

TO:Quincy Acy

Quincy Acy plays sports the right way. If you’re possibly the worst team in your league, down 10 points in a Christmas game, in the fourth quarter, what do you do? Some lesser men might let the clock run down, but not Quincy Acy, no sir. He starts a fight with the other team’s star player for pretty much no reason, gets a punch in, and leaves the floor with a mouth full of blood, being cheered by the drunken New York fans who just wanted to see someone get beat up on Christmas Day. Because screw it, why not? If you’re not playing sports with a pointless bravado, why are you even playing? Sports isn’t about sentimental moments, or pageantry, or anything Bob Costas tells you to get you to watch low level Olympic sporting events. No sir. It’s about starting fights in garbage time on Christmas day with nothing to gain, just because fuck it, at some point the last star will burn out and everything that ever was will be a vast expanse of nothingness forever, so why not punch John Wall in the face? Quincy Acy, I salute you.

“You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I’m not even supposed to be here today!”

TO: Johnny Manziel

Yep, welcome to Cleveland, Johnny. You thought this would be fun? There’s a reason why LeBron left. This place is clearly cursed by some sort of higher being. You have a bad game, then next thing you know the city anoints you a bust and starts looking for other options. It could’ve been different, you could’ve gone to Dallas, or Minnesota, or Oakland (actually, Oakland would be even worse). But nope! Fate brought you to Cleveland, and now you’re injured and likely losing your starting spot. Yay, Cleveland! This place is like the Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can’t leave.

“You get me slapped with a fine. You pick fights with the customers and I have to patch everything up. You get us chased out of a funeral home by violating a corpse. To top it all off, you ruined my relationship with Veronica!”

TO:Jameis Winston

Jameis, Jameis, Jameis. This guy has had a full year. Whether it was winning the Heisman, winning the national title, stealing crab legs from Publix, getting arrested by campus police for using a BB gun, yelling “Fuck her right in the pussy!” around the student union, getting in the title hunt again, and then the whole rape accusation thing. Jameis Winston just can’t stay out of trouble. He’s always in the media, and always on the lips of college football fans who all hate him. And all of this looks to drop his stock somewhat. Surprisingly enough, if NFL teams are forced to pick between Mariota and Winston, they’ll probably go with the guy who isn’t accused of being a sex offender. Jameis had a very, well, eventful year. We can only hope that, for his sake, he avoids these pitfalls in 2015.

But to be fair, if there was a chance I’d get drafted to the Oakland Raiders, I’d probably turn to hard drugs myself.

“I’m a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule”

TO: Mark Emmert and the NCAA

Self Explanatory

“I work in a shitty video store! I wanna go to a good video store so I can get a good movie!”

TO: Kevin Love, probably Andrew Wiggins one day

Well, it’s a rite of passage for all athletes drafted by the Minnesota Vikings, Timberwolves, or Twins. Getting the hell out of Minnesota. Johan Santana did it, fleeing to the New York Mets, which made him the only person whose life has gotten more depressing by leaving Minnesota. Kevin Garnett did it, and won a ring in Boston. Percy Harvin did it, but then he got traded to the Jets because bad things sometimes happen to good people. And our most recent addition? Kevin Love, who decided to go from one sad Midwest town to another, signing with the Cavaliers and LeBron James .I don’t blame the guy. He had never been to the playoffs before, and this gives the 3 time All Star a chance to play on a contender. And Minnesota fans, don’t you worry. You have about four years of Andrew Wiggins before he signs a max deal with LA. Hey, I don’t make the rules. I just make snarky jokes about the people who do.

“I saw one, one time, that said, ‘The next week, the world is ending.’ And in the next week’s paper, they said, ‘We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird.’ Crazy shit.”

TO: The Ohio State Football team

Braxton gets hurt, and everybody freaks out, says the team’s not gonna make it. OSU loses to Virginia Tech, Barrett plays horrible, everyone freaks out, says the season is lost. The team manages to win every game up to the Michigan game, with Barrett playing out of his mind at a Heisman level. Barrett gets hurt late in the game, Cardale Jones is pressed into action, everyone freaks out. Big Ten title game, OSU destroys Wisconsin, with Cardale playing the game of his life. They proceed to leapfrog TCU into the playoffs. This team has gone through three quarterbacks, and all of them have been dominant. Every time someone gets hurt, another guy steps up and takes his place. This team manages to win in spite of its horrible luck. Like Matt Hardy, they will not die.

HEADLINES

2014 was a great year, no doubt. But what does 2015 hold in store for us? Will Johnny Manziel get his career together? Will Braxton Miller transfer? Will Rex Ryan receive a head coaching job despite running the Jets into the ground these past few years? As for what lies ahead, we surely cannot predict the future, right? WRONG! Here are some of 2015’s headlines that may or may not come to fruition.

Kobe Bryant demands trade, rest of NBA immediately refuses.

Ron Artest Metta World Peace Panda Friend changes name to “Derrick Rose”, promptly injures self and demoralizes fanbase.

Local man finds Super Bowl ring in cardboard box occupied by Trent Dilfer.

Jabril Peppers: “I know nothing but suffering“.

Terrell Owens eliminated from Apprentice, blames Donovan McNabb

Rex Ryan hired by Oakland

Cleveland Browns sign man who drove the car that hit Cam Newton’s to a 10 day contract

LeBron: “I’m taking my talents to Salt Lake City“

WNBA Finals met with relative apathy

Rex Ryan fired by Oakland

Braxton Miller transfers to UC Santa Cruz, excited to become a Banana Slug

Floyd Mayweather defeated by Super Macho Man, couldn’t time jab properly

Man found living in between Michael Strahan’s teeth

Local suburban teen compares game to Doug McDermott’s

CM Punk loses first MMA fight, to the surprise of nobody

Toronto makes playoff push, signs Vince Carter’s knees to a 1 year deal

Larry Brown leaves job as SMU head coach to become Cryptkeeper

Manziel: “I drink to forget that I live in Cleveland“.

Poll indicates: Alex Rodriguez universally hated

Chris Kluwe seeks attention, gets none

Jacksonville Jaguars move to London, are promptly deported

Allen Iverson found living in Larry Brown’s garage

Local high school football player arrested for felony drug charges, promptly offered scholarship by Jimbo Fisher

Kevin Durant wins first title, immediately thanks Based God

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Note from the author: I wrote this Paul Konerko piece around October to be a part of the old Frozen Envelope column with Zach. But we decided to split up, I took a break from writing here, and it never got posted. So hey, even though it’s not related to year end stuff, I figured I’d just publish it here because, if I may say so myself, I thought it was pretty well written. Enjoy!

Liam Bodlak on Paul Konerko

The Chicago White Sox are not the New York Yankees. Let’s start right there.

The New York Yankees are a juggernaut. They’re so big that pointing out their legendary stature is merely a formality. Ever since the early days of baseball, when home runs were rare, the players were all white, and a “performance enhancement” was having sex in a speakeasy the night before the game, the Yanks have dominated. From age to age, from year to year, from title to title. Ruth begat Gehrig, who begat Dimaggio, who begat Mantle, who begat Jackson, who begat Mattingly, who begat Jeter, who begat the next great Yankee, whoever it may be. They keep rolling, through integration, through the breaking of the reserve clause, through the PED era. The Yankees are King Kong, Goliath, Godzilla with Wolverine claws. They’re a slick, corporate war machine and have rolled through everything that stood in their path. They are unmatched. No franchise in any sport can compare to the Yankee tradition. They’ve got a payroll the size of a small country’s GDP, the biggest market in baseball, and an empire that stretches worldwide. They’re the friggin’ Yankees.

The White Sox are not a juggernaut. Ever since our inception we’ve been the little guy, the steel worker, the underdog. We made the World Series in 1919, and promptly had the core of the team banned from the sport for literally gambling it away. We finally won it in 2005 with a core of overperforming role players, great pitching, and a constantly pissed off Hispanic manager. The Yanks have guys like Ruth, Mantle, and Jeter, who do we have? Shoeless Joe Jackson, a poor kid who became one of the sport’s biggest pariahs, Louis Aparicio, a feisty Latino who was known for his defense, Billy Pierce, a miserable bastard who had his own appreciation day rained out, Dick Allen, a talented but moody prick who was Bonds before Bonds, and Al Belle, who was Al Belle. We didn’t win a World Series for like 80 years, and never even got mainstream attention for it like the Red Sox did. We’re never the top team, always the gritty hustlers who come really close a lot. In a sporting world where the concept of an underdog has been played to death, the White Sox are the real deal. We toil just short of the top for so long, but sometimes we have our day, and punch the top dogs right in their stupid fucking Yankee faces. But for the most part, we’re the scrappy reject underdogs from the South Side. And we love it.

Paul Konerko is not Derek Jeter.

Derek Jeter is an ESPN wet dream, to put it bluntly. What’s not to like? He’s never been on PEDs, he’s a well mannered guy, he’s a whiz in the field, a solid contact hitter, a notorious ladies man, and, to top it off, he plays for the YANKEES.

*swoon*

Skip Bayless, if you have to take a cold shower, do so now. I’ll wait.

…

…

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You back? Good.

THE FOLLOWING IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY ESPN

Derek Jeter is an icon. He’s friggin’ perfect. He came along with the A-Rod/Nomar generation of shortstops, and proved himself the best of them all. He won a few rings, garnered himself a Hall of Fame resume, and did it all cool as ice. He’s the man. The Captain. If you land on the topic of Derek Jeter nowadays, you realize you are speaking of a minor diety. He’s just the greatest. Derek Jeter doesn’t play shortstop for the New York Yankees, he plays savior for the world. He is loved by everyone. Like, did you even watch the commercial? It doesn’t matter who you are (Red Sox fan, Jay Z, Alex Rodriguez) or where you are (Boston, a swank apartment, the fiery bowels of hell), you love and respect Jeets because he’s the greatest, period.

And after you’re done loving and respecting him, he’ll give you a gift basket too. That’s how cool he is. You know what Babe Ruth gave groupies? Herpes. That’s decidedly less cool than a gift basket. Jeter is a God. Men cry and tremble in his presence, woman are aroused by the mere though of him, and small animals explode into a cloud of happiness when exposed to his presence. He’s a supernatural being that floated down to earth, played shortstop, and banged Minka Kelly. He’s greatness in pinstripes and a Yankee cap. He’s the captain, for chrissakes! Derek Jeter is a hero, and you will love him as such. Now buy some Gatorade, jabroni.

…

*Stephen A Smith, so driven by his own powerful oratory, spontaneously combusts live on set. As he burns to the ground, he says something about Kwame Brown.*
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*exhales *

Thing is, Paul Konerko isn’t like Derek Jeter. Isn’t like him at all, really. Save for the fact that they’re both the captains of their respective teams, and both won World Series titles, the two men are quite different. I know you’ve heard all about Jeter. We all have. But forget about Jeter for a second. We’re here to talk about a guy named Paul Konerko.

Paul Konerko came from humble origins. Well, sort of. He was a top prospect back in the day, going 13th overall in the 1994 draft, but he didn’t last that long with the team that picked him, the LA Dodgers. In 1998, he was traded to the Reds, which lasted all of 26 games before he was moved to the Pale Hose. From there, the rest is history. Paulie didn’t have the career of a Gehrig, or a Foxx, or even a McCovey, but the guy did alright for himself. How alright? 6 time all star, 439 home runs, 2005 World Series Champion, and White Sox captain for 8 years. But numbers don’t give you the true essence of Paul Konerko. Paulie was a rock. He was never in the tabloids like Jeter or A-Rod, never had towering numbers like Bonds or Pujols, and didn’t have the goofy charisma of Manny or Ortiz. Paulie was a workhorse. His teammates tell stories of how respected he was, how he served as a clubhouse leader, and how he succeeded despite being one of the slowest players in the league, and being constantly beleaguered with injuries. Paul Konerko never cared about glory. Some guys say that, and then they’ll produce a minute long Nike commercial about how much they hate the spotlight. Not Paulie. When he won the 2005 ALCS Most Valuable Player award, he was quick to point out that the White Sox pitching staff was deserving of this honor more than himself. When he announced his retirement before the ’14 season, he said that he didn’t want the publicity, and wondered what would happen if a team chose not to honor him. Before Jeter’s last game, he had ESPN, Jordan Brand, and just about all of the major sports media kissing his feet, waxing poetic about the illustrious Jeets. Konerko wrote the names of his kids in the sand before his final game, and jogged out there to play, just another game for the old workhorse. Paulie didn’t need a whole advertising campaign to announce his farewell. He produced a 3 minute long video of him packing up baseballs into his bag and leaving the batting cage, thanking Chicago fans for the memories. It might not have looked like a perfect farewell, but for Paul Konerko, it was all too perfect.

So, it’s done now. Over and out. Jeter’s gone, Konerko’ s gone. Two of the greatest players of mine and Zack’s generation are gone. And while my partner, and most of the baseball world, will remember Jeter’s farewell fondly, the captain going out amid a sea of glory, me, and other Sox fans, will remember Paulie. The captain. Our captain. We’ll remember the 2005 World Series, his humble attitude, how he might not have been revered, but he was respected. Konerko’s got it pretty good, I’d say. A World Series ring, the respect of his peers, and a loving family. The guy’s set, and after all of those years with the Sox, it’s time to say goodbye. Maybe he won’t be in the Hall of Fame, maybe he won’t be remembered in 50 years, maybe he’ll be overshadowed by Jeter. But who cares about Jeter?

The Chicago White Sox are not the New York Yankees. Paul Konerko is not Derek Jeter.

The Chicago White Sox are the Chicago White Sox. Paul Konerko is Paul Konerko. And that’s a damn good thing to be. Thanks for the memories, Paulie.

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and now, finally, without further ado…

THE 14 WORST PEOPLE OF 2014!

You know, this list could easily be flipped around. The 14 Best People of 2014! It’d be a lame, awkward lovefest to things we’ve already seen. Yes, Tim Howard saved a bunch of shots in a World Cup game. Yes, Derek Jeter retired. Yes, LeBron voluntarily moved back to Cleveland. Nobody cares anymore. If you want bland commentary on things everyone’s seen a million times, you could watch that Barbara Walters special about the year in review. But not here. This is the Freakin’ Awesome Network, and we’re gonna count down the 14 worst people in sports of 2014. These are the screwups, the scumbags, and the Skip Baylesses of the sporting universe. So, as we bid adeu to 2014, let’s take a look back.

 14. Lance Stephenson

FOR:Ruining the Chemistry of two separate playoff teams in one year.

Ah, Lance Stephenson. Born Ready. The latest in a long and distinguished line of selfish, overrated, New York bred guards who disappoint in the pros. Remember Stephon Marbury and Sebastian Telfair? How about the illustrious Felipe Lopez?

 

Yeah, Lance has some big shoes to fill. And fill them he did. First, he decided to piss of LeBron James for no real reason, claimed that this pointless skullduggery was working, and watched as LBJ and the Heat mollywhopped the Pacers back to Eastern Conference mediocrity. But, as a great American named Billy Mays once said, there’s more! Lance signed a big deal with the Charlotte Hornets, who proceeded to transform from a playoff team to an Eastern Conference bottom dweller. Now, as of the writing of this, they’re looking to deal Stephenson to another team. If Lance can ruin a third team’s mojo, he’ll be right up there with Stephon Marbury as a great chemistry killer. Which is not something to be proud of, but is actually kind of impressive. So, hats off, Steph. Here’s hoping you ruin a team that deserves it next.

 13. Najeh Davenport

FOR: Starring in a 30 for 30 documentary attempting to come across as serious and respectable, when we all know what he did.

Ahem. From Wikipedia:

 “Prior to entering the NFL, Davenport allegedly broke into the dorm room of a Barry University woman and defecated in a laundry basket on April 1, 2002. A woman sleeping in the room told police she was startled by a strange grunting sound and observed Davenport squatting and voiding in her closet.”

 12. The City of Cleveland

FOR: Existing.

Damn, first LeBron, then like six Browns quarterbacks, then Johnny Manziel, then LeBron again? You’re too much, Cleveland. I’d make more jokes, but I’m 60 percent sure there’s a legitimate curse on this city and I’m not trying to be a part of it, thank you very much.

 11. Rey Mysterio

 FOR: Being the number 30 entrant in the 2014 Royal Rumble, and promptly being booed like he’d just murdered a kitten in front of everyone.

Poor guy. All Rey had to do was run out in his little Mysterio shirt that he wears now because he doesn’t want people to see how out of shape he is, and bump for Roman Reigns and Batista a bit. He probably didn’t think of the fact that the people in attendance REALLY wanted Daniel Bryan to win this Rumble. Like, a lot. So, Rey was the last entrant, meaning no Bryan for the crowd, meaning they promptly booed the entire rest of the show. Although, to be fair, this was the first time anyone’s cared about Rey Mysterio in six years.

 10. Lane Kiffin/TNA Wrestling/Jason Kidd

FOR: Surviving even though common knowledge dictates that they should have been done a long time ago.

JUST GO ALREADY, GEEZ!

9. Derek Jeter

 FOR: Being an ESPN darling for too long and too often.

Eugh. Okay, fine. Derek Jeter was good. It’s good that the MLB had a flagship player who could connect to the audience they wanted (read:Middle Class White People), while also not pumping himself up with steroids and then lying about it under oath. So, Jeets was pretty solid in that regard. He left gift baskets for groupies, nearly killed himself diving for meaningless foul balls, and won some rings too. Not a bad career. But still, Jeter announcing his retirement gave ESPN the opportunity to make another sports deity, and with Tebow now irrelevant, they needed it. So there ya go, Jeter. You’re just an older, better Tim Tebow.

 8. The NFC South

FOR: Being terrible in so many ways.

The division winner, the Carolina Panthers, went 7-8-1 and have a star quarterback whose most memorable moment this year was almost dying in a car crash. The second best team was 7-9, the third was 6-10. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers managed to out-terrible the field, going 2-14 and winning the #1 overall draft pick, where they’ll probably choose Jameis Winston because this team is really good at screwing things up. This might be the first division in NFL history where each team has a very valid reason for firing their head coach. It’s objectively awful. Which is why Carolina will no doubt make a playoff run. Because the sporting world is ridiculous and stupid and doesn’t make any sense.

 7. Donald Sterling

FOR: Being horrible at literally everything.

Donald Sterling is (well, was, sort of) a basketball team owner, a real estate agent, and a person. His basketball team was the laughingstock of the NBA for 30some years, his properties have netted him numerous lawsuits, and he’s known by just about everyone as super racist and generally weird to begin with. Donald Sterling’s probably good at something, like badminton, or building birdhouses, but he’s somehow not good at any of the things he does for a living. Which is why he made this list.

 6. Every single sports journalist who refused to mention the Redskin’s name and acted like this made a difference somehow.

 FOR: Being a pretentious douche.

Ugh. Congrats, you’re aware of the fact that some people care about the Redskins name being offensive. And you refuse to mention that name, and act like you’re fucking Ghandi for taking a stand only you care about. Look, it’s sportswriting. Nobody cares. You come to work, you write pithy jokes about how much the Raiders suck or whatever, and you’re done. If you refuse to mention the Redskins name like they’re named the Virginia Beach Voldemorts or something, go ahead. Just don’t expect anyone to care.

5. Kobe Bryant

FOR: Ruining the Los Angeles Lakers.

Kobe was literally paid more than anyone in the league last year. He didn’t help his team at all. He shows up this year, chucks relentlessly, complains that the team isn’t better even though he took all the money they would have spent, and pushes free agents away because, surprisingly enough, nobody wants to play with an aging, selfish malcontent who thinks he can lead a team to a ring even though he hasn’t been on that level since 2010. And he’s still, as of now, projected to start at guard for the West in the All Star game. That’s assuming he doesn’t blow out his knee. Again. Ugh.

 4. WWE Booking

FOR: Being good enough to bring fans hope, but not enough to create an entertaining product.

Another wrestling entry? Another wrestling entry.

Yeah, Daniel Bryan is a hot babyface…but we give Batista the main event instead.

Yeah, D-Bry gets to the ‘Mania main event, and wins…but he gets hurt midway through the reign, and it’s later revealed we just planned to job him out to Lesnar anyway.

Yeah, Lesnar wrecks Cena and the fans love it…But then Lesnar disappears and just fights Cena in a match nobody cares about anymore whenever he does decide to show up.

Say, when does Trips take over booking?

 3. The Oakland Raiders

FOR: Being life alteringly bad.

I already wrote about this. Just know that there’s hope ahead, at least until we hire Pat effing Shurmur and go 6-10 for three more years. This team is the worst.

 2. Brazillian Soccer fans

 FOR: Literally being this year’s most tortured fanbase

Because being tear gassed by pissed off riot police and having effing Pele tell you to shut up with your needs and watch soccer isn’t enough, you’ve gotta watch your national pride get demolished 7-1 by Germany in your own stadium.

Oh, and for those counting at home, this puts Germany at 4 World Cup victories, and 0 World War victories.

1.ESPN

Everybody who intentionally stirred up controversy about Michael Sam to increase ratings.

Every ESPN outlet who used niche internet humor in an awkward attempt to look cool.

Every needless feature on LeBron or Manziel, every self important talking head, every Thursday night game that nobody asked for.

ESPN’s lack of journalistic integrity has been well documented, and at this point, it’s more Skip Bayless bitching about Johnny Manziel at 10 AM than an objective sports station. Luckily for us, we have places like Deadspin, SBNation, and, to a slightly lesser degree, this place.

Because sports aren’t about big corporations, and high paid superstars, and Colin freaking Cowherd. They’re about players like Aaron Craft, or Patrick Beverly, who are as real and honest as they are fun to watch. They’re about passionate fandom, and forming a bond with someone because you share a favorite group of robotic stat producers. They’re about people who really, truly, and earnestly care.

But most importantly, they’re about watching grown men play a game so we can eat junk food and yell at our TVs for two hours. And that’s what really matters. Happy Holidays, everyone!

-Liam Bodlak