Frozen Envelope presents:The 2014 NFL Preview!

THE FROZEN ENVELOPE: NFL PREVIEW EDITION Written by Liam Bodlak and Zachary Rettig Bigger than Terrence Knighton’s waistline, more viral than those Kate Upton pics, and more anticipated than Duke Nukem Forever, it’s the Frozen Envelope’s NFL Preview! It’s 2014, and the Shield is alive and well.

And we here at the Frozen Envelope have a great article for you. This NFL season is gonna be one long slobberknocker (copyright Jim Ross) and we’ve got 25, yes, 25 reasons to be excited for it.

1. Being able to get away from your family to get shitfaced drunk on a Sunday afternoon with your buddies.

2. The Seahawks-Niners rivalry.

Crabtree vs. Sherman. Kaep vs. Wilson. Frisco vs. The Emerald City. Both are west coast franchises, headed by former successful college coaches, led by a young, mobile QB, with an abundance of talent. It’s a rivalry with great potential, and we’ve already had an NFL classic moment. Last year, we bore witness to Richard Sherman making a key defensive play and giving a career making speech in which he called Crabtree “a sorry ass receiver” and made himself into a household name.

Last year, the Seahawks won the season series 2-1 against the Niners, with the second win coming in the NFC Championship. This year, we’ve got two more games. They’re playing on Thanksgiving in Levi’s Stadium, and coming back to Centurylink and the 12th man on December 14th. Both teams are facing some adversity, with the Hawks stars coming off their rookie contracts and like ten Niners players getting arrested, but they’re both pushing through it like great teams do. And come Thanksgiving, it’ll be a fight to remember. Get your popcorn ready.

3. JOHNNY FOOTBALL!

God, he’s awesome.

 

4. 8-8: A Tribute to Mediocrity.

I’m not sure many of you have noticed, but the Cowboys have been the definition of “eh” for the past three years. They have finished an “how can you possibly be this middling” 8 wins, 8 losses for three years running. Their record since 1997 is 136-136. And in the running gag that’s made Cowboys fans of all ages want to drink away the pain, for the last three years, they’ve played in a game that would decide the NFC East. And three years in a row, they’ve lost.

So why is this listed #4 instead of the far-easier #8? Well, as I mentioned, the Cowboys have gone 8-8 the past three seasons. And no team in NFL history has ever batted .500 for four seasons in a row. The feeling around Jerry Jones’s Intergalatic Space Palace (Sponsored by AT&T) isn’t really one of optimism this year, more than it is “When will it be January?” January, of course, is when the finals in the first ever College Football Playoff will be held, and I can guarantee that it’ll be the closest Jones gets to a trophy this year.

5.The Great AFC North Clusterf*** of 2014.

Arguably the most unpredictable division this year would be the AFC North: You have the Bengals, who just rewarded Andy Dalton with a 7-year, 115 million dollar extension.

-The Steelers, who graciously showed us that the Bengals front office and Josh Harris weren’t the only potheads in the division thanks to the heroics of LeVeon Bell and LeGarrette “Most Likely to be Suspended for Rolling A” Blount. I guess you could say Pittsburgh’s running game went up in smoke!

-The Ravens, who besides employing arguably the most reviled man in the NFL since the Vick story broke, are desperately trying to figure out ways out of Joe Flacco’s heinous 6-year, 120.6 million dollar extension.

-and finally, the Browns, who besides reason #3 on this list, had their season kneecapped by the loss of two top receivers. The only solace Browns fans might have is counting the days until they put Brian Hoyer (stay tuned, more on him later) out of his misery. Put all those teams in one division and what do you get? Quite possibly the most entertaining, impossible-to-pick division we’ve seen in several years.

6.Celebrating Five Years of Mediocrity. In layman’s terms, the 2009 Draft Class was not a good one. Out of it’s 32 first round picks, only 7 of them have made the Pro Bowl. When you include the entire class, that number only increases to 12. Many have called it the worst class of the 21st Century.

And so, let’s take a look at the Top 5 picks in that draft, and see what they’re up to these days. 1. Matthew Stafford: Quarterback for the Detroit Lions, recently named in an ESPN Magazine poll as one of the 3 QBs least deserving of $115 Million plus this year. 2. Jason Smith: Free-Agent Offensive Tackle, was so bad that the Jets released him not once, but twice. 3. Tyson Jackson: Defensive End for Atlanta. Was good bordering-on-great for most of his tenure with the Chiefs. 4. Aaron Curry: Retired. 5. Mark Sanchez: Currently signed to Philadelphia, where he’ll be paid to sit behind Nick Foles and possibly Matt Barkley. Victim of a highlight that just won’t go away.

Boy oh boy, wasn’t that fun? And now for a few notables drafted after that top five: BJ Raji, Brian Orakpo, Brandon Cushing, Clay Matthews, Percy Harvin, LeSean “Shady” McCoy, Mike Wallace. In that list, I named 7 of those aforementioned Pro-Bowlers. And I must mention that those rookie contracts expire after this season. Will the members of this class that haven’t gotten an extension tighten up and get one? Survey says: probably not.

8. Revenge of the Broncos The Super Bowl is the biggest game in sports. Bar none. You can’t argue that. You can’t.

NBA Finals? There’s at least four games there. The drama is spread over seven games, reducing the drama per game rate. (Can Bill James make this an actual statistic? Please?)

World Series? See NBA Finals, and add in the fact that baseball kinda sucks.

Stanley Cup finals? See the previous two, and add that to the fact that nobody cares about hockey.

World Cup? Well, that’s close, but it’s not popular in America and therefore isn’t important.

You can put it up against any sporting event, hell, any event, on television, and it’s the bona fide favorite. It rakes in billions in advertising. It’s lusted over by every network. It’s watched by everybody, even non football fans. It’s the two biggest teams, in the biggest sport, fighting for the biggest prize.

It’s the Super Bowl. The supreme god of all television events. Everybody is watching.

And last year, everybody saw the Broncos get the everloving crap kicked out of them.

It was awful. Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. Manning was flustered. The Seahawk offense was explosive. Hell, the Seahawks scored a safety on the first play of the game. The first play! That’s just morbid. Things like that don’t happen to you unless  A: You’re cursed by Satan himself or B: You live in Cleveland. (Which probably means you’re cursed by Satan himself to begin with. Sorry.) Regardless, this hurt the Broncos perception in the eyes of the common fan. They were losers. Terrible. Shouldn’t have been there. Overanalytic football fans took the opportunity to dump all over their accomplishments and claim a weak strength of schedule. (Shoutout to Unocal76 on the forums.). The Broncos got their asses kicked in front of all of America. They were losers. Dirty stinkin’ losers. That game destroyed them.

Except, it didn’t. First, take what they had from last year. Manning, obviously. Welker as the top gun receiver (even if he’ll be suspended for the start of the season), Julius Thomas as the uber-athletic tight end, and an underrated defense.

Then, add Demarcus Ware to form a kickass pass rush duo with Von Miller, Aquib Talib to be the man in pass rush, a bigger role for Montee Ball, and a desire to right the wrongs of this past Super Bowl. So, basically, the Broncos are out for blood. Do you think an absurdly talented, obsessive film watcher like Peyton Manning is gonna let this past loss go? No way, Jose. Denver’s looking for retribution, and they can only get that on the biggest stage.

9. The Continued Ineptitude of the New York Jets

The New York Jets are hilarious. At this point, they pretty much exist to be laughed at. Their coach had his foot fetish publicly revealed and joked about by everyone, they traded for Tim Tebow for no real reason and had it blow up in their face once everyone started to realize how much Mark Sanchez sucked, #buttfumble happened, they drafted Geno Smith and threw him into the fire right away (spoiler:he kind of sucked a lot), and if that isn’t enough they’re constantly tormented by the New York media. And this summer, what did they do to stop the bleeding? Signed a #2 receiver for big money, and signed past-their-prime Michael Vick and Chris Johnson. So, they basically threw a full tank of propane onto the fire, and told themselves that things are getting better. But hey, New York fans, don’t you worry, at least you can look forward to tanking for Marcus Mariota*. Have fun!

*And wind up with Jameis Winston (and his rap sheet) instead. #loljets. They’re the TNA of football.

10. DA RAIDAAAAAZ

They’re back, baby. Derek Carr at QB, MJD at running back, and Khalil Mack at linebacker. They might not be the best team, or even a good team, or even a mediocre team. But for the first time in a while, there’s hope for Raider Nation. They’ve got a new front office and some promising young kids. As someone who’s supported the team in lean years, this is admittedly the same hope I had when Carson Palmer and Seymour arrived, and that got us nowhere. But hey, you never know. It’s a new year. I really want to believe. Maybe this time, it’ll be different. Maybe it’s a new era in Raiderland.

Or maybe it’s not and Carr is a bust and MJD gets hurt and we go 3-13 and tank for Mariota. They’re the Raiders, after all.

11. The Most Excellent and Lamentable Tragedy of James Graham.

The plotline is simple on this one. Jimmy Graham, stud Tight End for the New Orleans Saints, was hit with the franchise tag in the off-season so that the Saints could keep him for another year. Simple, right? Well, not really. See, Graham felt like that since he was the top receiver for New Orleans, he deserved to be paid Wide Receiver money, which is a difference of roughly 4-5 million dollars extra per year. And in the off-season as Graham presented his case well…things got strange.

You read right, at one point the Arbitration board used Graham’s Twitter bio as evidence that he should be paid Tight End money because he identified himself as such. To make a long story short, Graham was classified as a TE, and contract negotiations have been shelved until the end of the season. Now, the intriguing part will come into play once it’s game over for New Orleans: can they sway Graham into staying with them after the long, awkward Franchise Player process, or will he jump ship to a team that’s willing to show him the money? Or will he have accrued enough fines from the NFL for continually dunking on the goalposts to make this a moot point? Only time will tell.

12. I Mean Hey, You’ve Gotta Watch Something With Impact on Wednesdays.

Another ongoing subplot of the coming season is the fact that the NFL, in an effort to make people care about Thursday Night Football, has announced that they’ll be simulcasting games both on the NFL Network and CBS. Now the problems that have plagued TNF have been myriad and hard to ignore. There’ve been some dreadful matchups in the past (I distinctly remember a Jaguars/Titans matchup in 2012 that was terrible before it even happened); the commentary and graphics, compared to other NFL productions, could be charitably described as “uninspired”; and perhaps most obviously, the quality of play, when compared to the average Monday Night game, is noticeably worse. Now the question is, will this alliance with CBS help the popularity of the mid-week game? Will people come around to the idea of watching football four days a week? NFL’s been working at this for 8 years now, and sometimes you have to put a struggling franchise in the ground. But then, very little the NFL has applied it’s name to has failed.

So in conclusion, you have to see this as a crossroads for NFL on Thursday Nights. Either the alliance with CBS brings it back to life, or it continues to fail and the NFL pulls the plug. No pressure.

13. Andrew Luck’s Beard!

JUST LOOK AT IT.

14. Michael Sam is a Cowboy. Snarky sportswriters like yours truly will drop enough Brokeback references to…well, we’ll drop Brokeback references. Jerry Jones has possibly never met a gay guy before, so he’ll be fascinated by this whole thing. Cowboys fans already mortgaged their houses for tickets, so they probably don’t care. And Sports Illustrated will attempt to be current and topical by running stories about Sam in the shower and pretend like they’re still relevant. Kyle Orton will probably still suck. And Michael Sam will be a reserve defensive end for the Dallas Cowboys. Ah, the circle of life.

15. Sam Bradford tears ACL, hilarity ensues.

So, Sam Bradford tore his ACL. Who does Sam play for? The Rams.

Who owns the Rams? Stan E. Kronke.

Who is, at least in his mind, Kronke’s mortal enemy?

Oh yeah. Ask Bischoff. Vinnie Mac gets his revenge, one way or another. Enjoy a 6-10 season, Enos. You prick.

16. Tim Tebow will do nothing of note.

I’m really sorry. He’s not coming back. He’s gone. Jaguar fans, you can stop those rally things now. Your team is moving to LA anyways.

17. New Coaches! An interesting crop right here. Jim Caldwell looks like a sitcom dad from the 80s, Jay Gruden is just a fatter, less charming Jon Gruden, Lovie Smith is the most boring man in the universe, Mike Pettine looks like a grizzled cop who’s seen some shit, and Bill O’Brien looks like your fat uncle who just sits around at Thanksgiving, watches football, eats, and just grunts until it’s time to leave. It’s a motley crew to be sure.

18. What will Ndamakong Suh do next?

There’s a lot of fun involved when a near 300 pound football player has anger management issues. Let’s pull up the Frozen Envelope odds on what he does this year.

Curses out Jim Caldwell– 5:1

Stomps on Matt Schaub’s nuts again– 6:2

Bodyslams a guy after the whistle– 4:2

Nick Fairley misses his gap, Suh cuts off his thumbs– 10:3

Suh beats up a reporter– 9:3

Suh bangs a teammates wife– 5:1

Suh bangs a teammate– 7:2

Suh holds out for a pay raise, holds rookies hostage in the trainers room until this is accomplished– 20:5

Suh hires a hitman to kill a teammate and make it look like an accident-10:1

Suh beheads a teammate on live TV-15:1

19. Rookies: How I learned to stop worrying and love my shitty football team.

Your team sucks. It’s okay, mine does too. Say it out loud. It’ll feel better.

MY TEAM SUCKS!

See? Better already. Now, there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that the 2015 draft is looking good. Maybe you’re a fan of all-everything Quarterbacks Jameis Winston, Marcus Mariota, or Brett Hundley. It would sure be great to have one of those guys under center for you, dontcha think? Or maybe you’re a defense guy, in which case Nebraska DE Randy Gregory is at your service. He’ll be a force in the league for certain. The guy’s a monster. QBs beware. ‘Bama wideout Amari Cooper would be great at catching your shitty QB’s shitty passes. Hey, if your QB were any good you wouldn’t be thinking about the draft. But if you want some protection for your man under center, LSU mammoth lineman La’El Collins has you covered in the bruiser and cool name departments. But maybe your QB doesn’t suck, and you just want a stud running back. Hey, Georgia’s Todd Gurley could be the answer to your running game prayers.

The bad news? Your team probably won’t get any of these players. I’m really sorry. Look at the positives, there’s always next year. I heard Christian Hackenberg’s pretty good…but you’re not getting him either.

20. JOHNNY FOOTBALL!

He’s just the best.

21. Old Faces, New Places.

Jared Allen is a Bear! (Not like that, you pervs.) Darrelle Revis is a Patriot! DeMarcus Ware is a Bronco! Michael Vick is a convicted felon Jet! DeSean Jackson is a Redskin! The NFL free agency migration leads to some big names moving around, and it’s here to stay until Braxton Miller signs the first billion dollar contract the sun swallows the earth and destroys all humanity never. It’s here to stay. And that makes Dan Snyder and his overpaid veterans very happy.

22. Jamie, we hardly knew ye.

James Harrison has retired. His hard hitting, badass style was loved by Steeler fans and day drinkers who just wanna watch people hurt other people for their amusement (so, Steeler fans.) And Roger Goodell just fined him 15K. For old times sake.

23. The Return of Fantasy Football.

That’s right, with the season starting within 24 hours, it’s once again time for stats nerds (like myself) to spend hours agonizing over whether or not to start Matt Forte over Giovanni Bernard and vice versa. But, if you’d rather not sit around and watch weirdos (again, like myself) debate over the pros and cons of keeping Wes Welker after he popped Molly at the Kentucky Derby, FX’s The League is back for another season. I heard that they get attractive people to give Fantasy Football a go, so already it’s a must-watch.

24. QB’s with something to prove.

It’s a pretty big year for several quarterbacks in the League this year, all of whom have some lingering doubts hanging around them. Can aging stars like Tom Brady still tear defenses to shreds? Will Nick Foles prove Donovan McNabb wrong and show that his meteoric season last year, in which he only threw two interceptions and led Philly to the playoffs, wasn’t a fluke? Can Tony Romo throw enough TDs to prop up arguably the worst defense in NFL history? Hell, could anyone? How long will it be before Jacksonville and Minnesota give their rookie studs (Blake Bortles and Teddy Bridgewater respectively) the reigns? Is Andy Dalton truly worth 7 years and 155 million dollars, or will he lead Cincy to yet another first round exit? But arguably the man with the most on the line comes to us from the Mistake by the Lake itself.

Poor Brian Hoyer. It was in Week 3 that he finally brought an end to the Brandon Weeden Era in Cleveland. And once he took over the role, he filled it with aplomb. He led the Brownies to 3 consecutive wins and even brought Cleveland to first place in the North. It was around this time that Cleveland fans were filled with something they had rarely felt that late into the NFL season: optimism. Of course, we all know the sad turn this story took; just as “Hoyer the Destroyer” was coming into his own, he tore his ACL and was finished for the year, turning the reigns back over to Weeden to the chagrin of the Dawg Pound. After Weeden was sent packing to Dallas (hold on, I need to beg that Tony’s back doesn’t explode a million pieces…), Hoyer seemed to be ready to ascend back to the starting job and restore hope to the Browns. (Wait, cue up that Behind the Music tune…) (And that’s when everything turned….)

Yep, JFF was drafted by the Browns in Round 1 of this year’s NFL Draft, sending a clear message; Hoyer’s days as starter were numbered. However, despite a QB duel that could best be described as “mediocre”, our hero secured the Week 1 job. One has to assume he’s on a short leash, however. It’s not fair what’s happened to Hoyer. Last year, he was being hailed as the savior of Cleveland, and now he’s the guy everybody in Cleveland wants to see fail. The moment Hoyer throws his first pick, he’s sealed his own fate. And after the miraculous run he had last year, that’s a horrible way to go. …but then again, given who he’s starting ahead of…

25. JOHNNY. F***ING. FOOTBALL.

…perhaps it’s all for the best. At least for snarky blog writers like ourselves, that is. Happy football season, everybody!