The Top 3 Best (and Worst) Moments of Monday Night Raw (8/4/14)
Best
3. Dean Ambrose vs. Alberto Del Rio (Del Rio isn’t completely useless)
You know, it’s very rare that I can say that Alberto Del Rio was a highlight of Raw (or any show, for that matter) but The Mexican Aristocrat earned some props this week as he had a good, competitive match with Dean Ambrose. Usually, Del Rio only gets to show off his aggressiveness by holding onto his deadly Cross Armbreaker after the bell on Sin Cara or some other goof after a nothing 2-3 minute match but this particular bout went 15+ minutes as Ambrose was competing in a Beat The Clock challenge with Summerslam opponent Seth Rollins. After a back and forth battle that saw Ambrose taken to his limit, the Headlock Driver known as Dirty Deeds put Del Rio away. Nothing amazing here but a good battle for those of you who aren’t entirely convinced that Del Rio can have an enjoyable match with the right opponent. Oh and I just read that Del Rio got fired this week so looks like this was his last good WWE match. At least he went out on a good note.
2. HEATH SLATER WINS!!! (lol, Seth Rollins lost to a turd that calls himself a One Man Band)
Something even rarer than a good Del Rio match also happened this week as Jobby McJobberson, legal name Heath Slater, picked up a huge victory over Seth Rollins thanks to the wacky antics of Dean Ambrose. Originally, Rollins was set to compete in his Beat the Clock match against RVD but the 4:20 enthusiast was replaced by Slater thanks to a last-minute decision by the Authority. With Rollins having 15:42 to beat Slater, like 2 years in jobber time, it seemed like the fix was in. The Authority’s plan was foiled, however, by everybody’s favorite Titty Master as Ambrose ripped up the MITB contract and screwed with Rollins’ briefcase. After several minutes of unfocused offense from Rolins, Slater finally managed to surprise the former Architect of the Shield with a Schoolboy Rollup for the win, giving Ambrose the right to pick the match type for their match at the PPV.. Not as nice as my beloved Truth’s win last week but still nice.
1. Brock Lesnar/John Cena hype video (“Lesnar’s gonna kill you!”)
It’s been pretty well established by this point that WWE’s production crew is aces and they lived up to their reputation this fine piece of video production. In it, both competitors in the WWE title match at Summerslam explain their motivations and why they are going to win at the PPV. For Lesnar, it’s basically boils down to him being a goon and taking the WWE title for seemingly no reason other than because he can. “I don’t give a fuck who’s in my way. As long as I get the pure satisfaction of getting my hands on my opponent and making him feel MY pain…that’s what makes me happy.” He makes a valid point that he’s coming off the biggest win of his career against Taker and promises to take Cena’s belt AND his girl at Summerslam. …Ok, he didn’t say he would bang Nikki Bella but he was serious about murking Cena. Cean did his usual spiel about how he loves WWE and how Brock is a cold mercenary that fights for money. Good stuff right here from both men.
Worst:
3. Adam Rose has another lemon segment
Is there a more pointless character on the roster right now than Adam Rose? He’s been on the main roster for months and, outside of a brief feud with Jack Swagger, has proceeded to nothing of note. He continued that trend this week as he was in a bizarre segment where he looked in a mirror and saw himself as a suit-wearing sellout. The only reason why this dude even exists is to fill up time on Raw in stupid, short little segments every week. Really, the only upside is that he often has hot girls in his Exotic Express group that comes down to the ring with him.
2. Roman Reigns vs. Kane in a Last Man Standing match (Who thought this would be good?)
This was one of those match didn’t even sound good on paper. You got Roman Reigns, a green yet talented performer with little experience competing in lengthy singles matches, taking on THE DEMON KANE, who is very old and beaten up and really can’t do much of anything nowadays. The result was a very dull Last Man Standing match that probably went like 5-10 minutes longer than it should have. God bless these guys, they tried. They really did try to have a good match but it just wasn’t happening. The only upside to this one is that Roman got put over super strong as he managed to get up after eating a Chokeslam through a table and was able to put Kane away with his usual Superman Punch/SPEAR combo. Probably the worst non-divas Raw match in a while.
1. WWE Network = $9.99
The thirst is so real for WWE when it comes to the WWE Network as they stressed that the WWE Network was “Nine Ninety-Nine” with all the subtlety of a Sledgehammer to the skull throughout the night. The show’s opening promo was basically one long plug for the Netowrk as HHH ran down the card for Summerslam and reminded the viewers that, yes, they can watch this blockbuster show for $9.99! This was pretty terrible. WWE tried to get cute with it by being self-aware of how obnoxious their constant shilling was but that only made it more irritating, if possible. Honestly, if I didn’t already have the Network, I would not order it out of pure spite because of how desperate this came off. WWE wants your $9.99 and they’ll do anything for it. ANYTHING. Just remember, HHH isn’t bilingual but for $9.99, he’s bi a lot of things.
The Rest of Raw
This Raw was pretty dull. A completely skippable show if there has ever been one. It’s a good thing I take notes while watching Raw because I seriously had trouble remembering anything that happened other than the obnoxious Network shilling after finishing it. Not the worst show of the year or anything but let’s hope next week’s show is better.