The Frozen Envelope
Written by Zachary Rettig and Liam Bodlak
Papa McIlroy Gets Paid; and Other Tales from Royal Liverpool
Z: Last Sunday, Rory McIlroy completed his wire-to-wire victory in The Open Championship despite late charges from both Sergio Garcia and Rickie “Possibly Color-Blind” Fowler to claim his first Claret Jug. And believe it or not, there are two important points to take away from this other than the amusing sub-plot of his father Gerry winning roughly 14 thousand US dollars for a bet he made close to ten years ago.
And you thought Floyd Mayweather made some ballsy bets in his time.
First and foremost, Rory has set himself up as The Future of Golf after winning the third piece of the career Grand Slam. He’s only missing a green jacket from the Masters, and we all should know what happened the last time he was in contention to win one of those. And this convincing victory, not a week after he won the Scottish Open, should put him in line to be pronounced King of UK Sports for the foreseeable future. And you gotta love anyone who treats a distinguished golf artifact like the Stanley Cup. On separate occasions he’s admitted to both drinking Jagermeister out of it and taking photos with it on the toilet. Awesome. Long live Rory McIlroy!
Second of all (and of far greater importance to those who hate Jack Nicklaus with a passion), Tiger Woods finished an abysmal 6 over par, good for 69th place. For context, out of every major tournament (Masters, Open, US Open, PGA Championship) in which he’s made the two-day cut over his career, this is his worst finish ever.
This image should just about sum his weekend up.
The fact of the matter is, time is no longer on Tiger’s side. His last major win was the 2008 US Open, which, at six years ago, might as well be a lifetime in the world of golf. He’s 38 years old and the sport is rapidly becoming a young man’s game. While the Golden Bear did win his 18th and final Major at 46, with the rising talent (Jordan Spieth and Bubba Watson, to name two) as well as several still-game veterans (Phil Mickelson and Ernie Els, to name two more), the field of competition has become far more difficult to surmount. At this point, you have to assume it’s time to close the book on the “Can Tiger break Jack’s record?” storyline. And that’s a good thing. There are several more young stars out there waiting for their story to be told, and if Woods can’t hack it at the four Majors anymore, the window of opportunity should be wide open.
Tony Dungy: Paragon of Virtue
L: The job of an NFL coach is kind of insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Granted, they’re relatively in the public eye and we notice them when we’re watching the games, but not so much when we aren’t watching the sport. Their role in our lives is to prepare a group of large men in tight pants to fight the other large men in tight pants so we have an excuse to dress up and yell at the TV at 11 AM on a Sunday. It’s really not the kind of thing that’d make you a moral authority. Like, Dennis Allen. I think he’s doing a great job with the Raiders, and I’ll absolutely wish him well because they’re my favorite team and he’s the coach, but that’s where our relationship ends. I don’t care about Dennis Allen as a person. He could own every season of Friends, have a recurring nightmare that his wife is sleeping with Albert Haynesworth, or rob banks on the side, and it wouldn’t matter to me. If Dennis Allen the person wants to talk to me about things that aren’t football, I wouldn’t listen. Because football is the only thing he should be an authority on.
Actually, any man who would agree to coach the Raiders is probably insane and should not be an authority on anything.
But as with any profession, there are people in the coaching business who believe that their role goes beyond the gridiron. They feel that, as guys in polo shirts who train 250 pound men to crash into each other, they should be listened to as a moral authority. Tony Dungy is one of these people.
PICTURED: Moral authority.
Yep. Tony Dungy was at it again the other day, explaining to media members how he wouldn’t draft Michael Sam due to the media distraction it would create. It’s a valid reason (or, it would be if Dungy wasn’t the main proponent for Michael Vick signing with the Eagles out of prison, which, if you don’t remember, was possibly the biggest media distraction in NFL history), and Dungy is entitled to his opinions. And speaking of opinions, boy, does he have a lot of them. He thinks Rex Ryan shouldn’t curse as much. He gave Michael Vick his personal approval. He bestowed his help upon Mike Locksley, a college coach suspended for assaulting an assistant. Heck, he even weighed in on the Reggie Bush Heisman controversy, saying “If I’m Reggie Bush, I’d give back the trophy.” Tony Dungy seems to be the NFL’s self ordained moral compass.
PICTURED: Moral compass.
He’s a guy who’s been around the league and is all too eager to bestow his learnings upon others. He’s a guy who will not hesitate to voice his opinion, even when it’s pretty much irrelevant. And, from what we’ve seen, he’s a guy who will help those who need it. Beat up an assistant coach? Tony Dungy is there for you. Run a dog fighting ring? Tony Dungy is there for you. He’s a guy who will go to bat for you no matter what, because it’s the right thing to do.
Well, unless you like dudes. Then he doesn’t really want to deal with it. Too much of a distraction, y’know?
“The MLB has always been at war with PEDs.”
Z: Over this most recent weekend, Cooperstown welcomed six men (Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, Frank Thomas, Tony La Russa, Bobby Cox and Joe Torre) into the MLB Hall of Fame as the Class of 2014. The weekend went off without a hitch (sans Torre forgetting George Steinbrenner in his induction speech), and all in all things seemed to be on the rise for the Hall after it’s widely mocked Class of 2013.
PICTURED: The MLB Hall of Fame, Class of 2013
However, a day or two before the induction ceremony, the Baseball Writers Association of America, the guys in charge of this whole shindig, announced the Hall’s first rule change since the 90s. Effective immediately, players could now only spend a maximum of ten years on the ballot to be inducted, down from the previous standard of fifteen. While those who are on their 11th year or later will be grandfathered in, this means much more than five years. Many are interpreting this rule change as the Association wanting to make players from the so-called Steroid Era, such as Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire, the Senior Committee’s problem. This rule change, in effect, gives the message that the Association (who are basically in charge of archiving the history of baseball, warts and all), are trying to make us all forget the Steroid Era ever happened. Like an ersatz Vince McMahon telling the world that Chris Benoit never existed, but on a lesser scale.
The BBWA exercise their authority.
This also serves to make the BBWA and the MLB as a whole look like a bunch of hypocrites. Given how they glorified the “Home Run Derby” phase of the late 90s-early 2000s, they can’t suddenly do a 180 and say they condemn the same stars they promoted the living hell out of at the time. That’s just not right.
And the thing is, this makes the BBWA look like an even bigger joke than some already see them as. The steadfast refusal to induct Pete Rose into the Hall is one thing (It wouldn’t even be that hard! Just follow Bill Simmons’ advice and put a “Gambled on games while managing Reds, disgraced our sport” on his plaque!), but this whitewashing of an era, as well as the implications that clean players such as Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell might be tarred as guilty-by-association, is another black eye for the Hall. By the way, the Hall’s slogan is (emphasis mine): “Preserving History, Honoring Excellence, Connecting Generations.” This is literally the opposite of preserving history, and it has the unintentional side effect of making Dan LeBatard look like he was on to something when he sold his vote to Deadspin earlier this year. This is just embarrassing for the Hall and embarrassing for the younger fans who want an era that they grew up on to be remembered in whole.
The BBWA’s worst nightmare.
Ray Rice beats up Fiancee, is slapped on wrist.
L: It’s a well known fact that NFL players sometimes get in to trouble. Surprisingly enough, a twenty-something year old multimillionare who’s been told how great he is all his life might not make the best of decisions. Even so, the NFL has an answer to all of the knuckleheads out there. His job is to deliver swift retribution to those acting out of line. He’s been called “The Most Powerful Man in Sports”. James Harrison referred to him simply as “The Devil”. He made 35 million dollars last year alone. His main duty, in his own words, is “Protecting the Shield”. He is the law. He is the man. He is Roger Goodell.
The most feared man in the NFL.
Goodell is known for being very willing to discipline players. Over his tenure (starting in 2006), he’s brought the hammer down on many a football no-goodnik. Here are some examples of these punishments.
- Odell Thurman-Missing a drug test-6 games
- Albert Haynesworth-Stomping on a lineman-5 games
- Vincent Jackson-Playing loud music in his car and having a suspended licence-3 games
- Terrelle Pryor-Selling his football equipment at Ohio State-5 games
- Ray Rice-Beating his wife unconscious and dragging her out of an elevator-2 games.
Yep, that’s right. Ray Rice beat his wife, and he has to sit out for two games. Meanwhile, Josh Gordon smoked weed and will likely sit out this season. There’s been much arguing over whether or not this is fair, but that’s the way it is. Ray Rice is being suspended for two games. Why? Because Goodell said so, that’s why. And you had better not question him, or he’ll fine your ass for being insubordinate to The Shield.
ALL HAIL OUR FEARLESS LEADER.