A sad thing happened this past week. Everyone’s favourite “DESTINY” enthusiast and Luchador abuser, Alberto Del Rio was fired from WWE for slapping a dude over a racist remark, Which I can kinda get, but considering the dude was some skinny wiener who works for WWE’s social media department and Del Rio’s, well, a bronzed god, slapping isn’t the best route.
“BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT!”
So I figured fuck it, I’ve already mentioned Mirko Cro Cop, why not talk about Del Rio’s ill fated foray into Mixed Martial Arts? And I realise I said I’d try and do something non-PRIDE, but this is a special occasion. Cro Cop, as you should know from my previous review (If not, go back and read it, you fuck!) is an all around Badass, former Croatian SWAT, former member of the Croatian Parliament and all around badass, who lived by the credo of “Right leg hospital, Left leg cemetery.” I mean shit, if someone goes around saying something like that with his reputation, I’d be inclined to believe them!
Also, anyone who can do this with a face that serious gets my respect.
Dos Caras Jr (Also known as Alberto Rodriguez, FUCK YOU KAYFABE!) is the son of, surprisingly enough the son of famed luchador Dos Caras, meaning “Two Faces” (Which may explain his hatred of fellow luchador Sin Cara/Mystico/Whateverthefuckhecallshimselfnow) and nephew of one third of the “Big Three” of Lucha, Mil Mascaras.
Also the owner of a snazzy matching mask/tights combo.
He also earned himself a substantial amount of fame for himself in the AAA and CMLL, as well as being on track to compete in the 2000 Olympics on the Wrestling team. Well, until Mexico apparently ran out of money for them and decided not to send them. Dick move Mexico. Anyway, he decided to venture into the world of MMA in 2000 after the whole olympics fiasco, having a varying amount of success, including breaking an opponent’s arm via a belly to belly suplex (Not holding the armbar after the bell, much to the disappointment of various wrestling fans.)
“WE’VE NEVER SEEN HIM THIS AGGRESSIVE BEFORE! WELL, EXCEPT FOR LAST WEEK! And the week before. And the week before…”
By far His most famous fight however, was against Cro Cop at PRIDE Bushido 1 (Somehow not as Japanese-y as the other ones we’ve mentioned!) in October 2003 in what is increasingly becoming our usual hangout of Saitama, Japan. We begin per usual with the tale of the tape, telling us that Caras possesses a 3 inch height advantage, with Cro Cop holding a weight advantage of 13 pounds. Also, the most dramatic music ever. Seriously, this is the most intense shamisen ever. They list Cro Cop’s style as Kickboxing, rather understandably, whereas Caras’ is listed as “Pro Wrestling.” I swear to god, if this match doesn’t end with Caras hitting a Shooting Star Press off the top rope, I’ll be pissed. It’s also worth mentioning at this point, due to Caras’ heritage, he wished to compete whilst still wearing his lucha mask, as it’s widely considered as like, the worst thing that can possibly to a luchador to have their identity revealed, and once it has happened they cannot perform under that mask or name ever again. It might sound silly, but it’s a huge deal in Mexico. Like, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal. For realsies. If a luchador does lose his mask, it’s usually a sign that they’re retiring or moving on up to a bigger, foreign promotion such as WWE or Ring of Honour. Not TNA though. Fuck those guys. Anyway, we are shown Caras standing in the corner in his half-mask, which has the top and back of his head exposed, (Not really covering that much of his face if I’m honest) along with his cornermen, consisting of his cousin, Sicodelico Jr, his father Dos Caras and some dude I don’t recognise. And yes, they’re all masked. Well, apart from the random dude.
This mask, not so snazzy.
We then cut to Cro Cop loking unamused. Not much to say really, seeing as he looks pissed like, 95% of the time. The announcers talk about how Caras is the first hispanic fighter in PRIDE (Neat!) and the first ever masked one (Probably a good reason for that!) The two then square up as the ref does his usual fondling and rule explaining, and then the two fighters back off into their corners after touching gloves. The announcers talk about how this is a scary match. I think they basically mean that we may well see Cro Cop kill Caras. They also call this a “Baptism by fire” for Caras. Fuck no, this is like, a baptism by napalm. Or throwing someone into a volcano. Jesus. Anyway, bell rings and we are underway! Caras starts by rapidly circling Cro Cop, giving us a chance to see the initials “RVT” emblazoned on his butt. Must be a huge fan of Rob Van Dam’s Vietnamese cousin, Rob Van Tran.
“I’m just as confused as you dudes!”
Caras does the smart thing and tries to clinch Cro Cop, attempting for double underhooks, then trying to lock his arms down when Cro Cop shoves him off. Cro Cop then throws a few half arsed punches towards Caras, obviously ranging him rather than trying to hit him as Caras keeps circling. Dos shoots, and Cro Cop sees it coming from a mile off, almost cartoonishly standing aside. He then throws like, the sloppiest leg kick ever, missing and resorts back to backing away, trapping himself in the corner, probably not the best move in this case. Cro Cop manages to land a right hand and tries to grab Jr, but the future WWE champ manages to evade, then retaliating by bum rushing Cro Cop, hitting him once and then literally running away into the ropes. I mean, I know his style was listed as “Pro Wrestling”, but I don’t think running the ropes is gonna help here! He then gets himself backed into the corner again, guard up as it should be and FUCK! Someone call it, because Caras eats the Cemetery Kick! The deceased passed at 46 seconds of the first round, someone inform his goddamn family! Fucker just collapses straight down into the corner, straight up donion rings.
Well, he’s dead!
Cro Cop knows this, as he throws one punch, then backs up as the ref half heartedly checks Caras as his family rush in (That was quick!) and start taking his mask off whilst to relieve the pressure. Well, I assume. They keep cutting back to this Japanese bloke in the crowd who I don’t recognise, but he’s wearing the most garish tiger stripe shirt ever, so from now on he’s “ERNESTU THE CATU MILLAAAAAAH” to me.
“SOMEBODY CALLU MY MOMMAAAAAAAA!”
Anyway, Cro Cop celebrates, having literally not broken a sweat and generally not giving a fuck. Well, that’s all folks! Join me next week when I’ll try to finally get around to reviewing something that isn’t in PRIDE!