THE BEST
3. R-TRUTH WINS!!! (Also, Bo Dallas lost his streak or something)
This week, my prayers to the Based God were finally answered as my big homie R-Truth won a match on Raw. To the surprise of, well, everyone, that win came at the expense of the undefeated Bo Dallas, who was a bit over-confident going into the match as he did a premature victory lap in the middle of it. Far too wrapped up in the awesomeness of his bouncing moobs, Dallas was caught off guard with a Schoolboy Rollup to give the rapper a rare victory. Unfortunately for Truth, Dallas bo-lieved that win was some bullshit as he jumped Truth after the match and left him laying. Meanwhile, Lil Jimmy screamed at ringside that about how his client had conquered Bo Dallas’ streak. Only time will tell how Bo will rebound from this loss but one thing is obvious. R-Truth certainly is stating his claim to fame to be one of the baddest young brothers step foot in this game.
2. John Cena/Paul Heyman opening segment (Cena has got passion and respect for dis business)
You know, John Cena’s promos are very hit or miss with me. He’s a guy that always has good delivery and conviction but the actual content has a tendency to be so corny and cookie cutter that it often takes me out of what he is saying and causes me to tune it out. Every now and then though, he knocks it out of the park and boy, did he hit a home run on Raw. Trading verbal barbs with Paul Heyman, arguably the best promo guy in the company today, Cena did a fantastic job establishing that no matter how physically imposing Lesnar may be, he truly believes that he will come out on top in their match at Summerslam because he has something that Lesnar doesn’t. Heart. Cena put himself over as a man of the people (stop laughing, guys) and said that he wasn’t fighting just for himself but for the WWE Universe. Maybe that doesn’t sound all that good in text but Cena’s usual great delivery drove it home. Of course, Paul Heyman was no slouch in this segment as he did a good job hyping up Lesnar as an unstoppable force that not even Cena can withstand. Both guys were on-point in this segment. This segment also segued into the best part of the show which was…
1. John Cena vs. Cesaro (AKA the reason why I love wrestling)
White men can jump but only if they are Swiss
After Heyman and Cena had their little spat, Cesaro, like a 14 year old Youtube commenter screaming for more blood and boobies, came out in defense of Heyman, saying that Cena couldn’t wrestle and that he wasn’t gonna let him talk down to his good friend Heyman. Cena, after hearing Cesaro say he couldn’t wrestle, went “lol” and proceeded to put in one hell of a performance in what has to be a candidate for best TV match of the year. Simply put, these guys went HAM in this match. Hurricaranas, Monkey Flips, Yakuza Kicks, Giant Swings, and even an AA off the top rope can be found in this match. Seriously, if you missed Raw, go out of your way to see this. Fantastic match between two of the absolute best that WWE has to offer right now.
THE WORST
3. Adam Rose vs. Damien Sandow was a lemon (This actually wasn’t that bad but I didn’t dislike much from this show)
“Wait til you see my lemon, I’mma beat that Rosebud up”
Damien Sandow continued his quest to be the biggest goober on the main roster as he dressed as an astronaut (because Raw was being held in Houston, Texas) for his match against Adam Rose. He made a couple of jokes about finding no signs of intelligent life (well, he was in Texas) before everybody’s favorite party animal Rose came out and beat him in 10 seconds or so. After the match, Rose’s rosebuds carried Sandow to the back so they could sacrifice him. Wait, no, they just partied to the back as Sandow lay defeated in the ring. Sorry, I’ve been watching a bit too much 99’ WWF. This was just a pointless segment that was there to take up space. I usually find Sandow to be pretty entertaining when he’s doing these wacky imitations but he had nothing to work with this week.
2. Natalya & Naomi vs. Cameron & Alicia Fox (Again, inoffensive but added nothing to the show)
In a continuation of the World Star feud between Naomi and Cameron, the former Funkadactyls each picked a new partner and faced off in a tag team match. On Cameron’s side, the future ex-Ms. Magiconz, Alicia Fox. On Naomi’s side, Bret Hart’s niece (or Tyson Kidd’s wife for you NXT fans). This fairly brief battle ended when Cameron tapped out to a Leg Scissors out of nowhere before Natalya could even tag into the match. How could Naomi be so selfish, it’s Nat’s birthday year for God’s sake! Much like Rose/Sandow, this wasn’t that bad but there really isn’t anything to see here. Sadly, Naomi did not pull Cameron’s lace front out after the match as a symbol of her victory.
1. “The One True Destroyer” Stephanie McMahon slaps the piss out of Brie Bella (This actually did bug me)
Oh Stephanie. I was just starting to like you again before this. For the first time in damn near a decade, a women’s feud ended this week’s edition of Raw as Brie Bella goaded Stephanie into accepting a match with her at Summerslam in exchange for Brie not taking The Billion(More like Million thanks to the stock drop) Dollar Princess to court for hitting her last week. Steph was rightfully terrified at the idea of wrestling her first match in close to a decade against a much younger women but accepted the challenge. The segment was going really well until Steph, for no reason, goes into fiery babyface mode and slaps Brie right off the apron. After being scared for several minutes, Steph screams “I’MA MAKE YOU MY BITCH!” before doing a celebratory “Yes” taunt in the ring. This lead to a pull-apart brawl where, again, Steph showed no fear of Brie and was more than ready to fight. This ending just didn’t make a lot of sense to me. Steph came off so bipolar for going from scared to “I kill bitches dead” mode within seconds. If the idea was that Steph was just playing possum and wanted Brie to drop the charges, it was still goofy to do this angle this week because no paperwork has been signed. Nothing was stopping Brie from pressing charges as soon as she left the arena. It felt like Steph was afraid of looking vulnerable for too long so she had to go into “Asskicker” mode like her husband HHH would do in the situation. She went from a cowardly heel to a bad-ass villain over the course of like 30 seconds. The actual execution of the segment was fine but Steph shouldn’t have gotten this aggressive in the same segment where she showed so much fear.
The Rest of Raw
On the whole, I really liked this show. I thought it was one of the best Raws of the year. In addition to the brilliant Cena/Cesaro match, there was also a great Chris Jericho/Seth Rollins match that I would say is worth looking up. Chris Jericho also had a fun segment with HHH and Stephanie as Jericho mocked Stephanie in a very similar fashion to how he did it in the early 00’s. Outside of the nonsense with Steph, nothing on this show bugs me which is kinda amazing considering how OCD I am about wrestling. So yeah, big thumbs up for this show.