Wrestlemania XV(~~!!!)
March 28th, 1999
Live from the First Union Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Attendance: 20,276
It’s the Grandest Stage to them all. The Showcase of Immortals. Where superstars become legends and legends become icons. It’s Wrestlemania!!! Yes, I’m now on WWE’s biggest show of the year, Wrestlemania XV. This year’s show was headlined by Stone Cold, who had been through hell and back to earn this shot and make it to Mania thanks to the Corporation, challenging the Corporate champion, The Rock, for the WWF title. The Rock had regained the title in a ladder match on Raw the night after St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. There are 10 matches on this card and I have no idea what most of them are so let’s go!
I’m marking out, bro!
– The national anthem is performed by…BOYZ II MEN!? They even get their own pyro!
– After these angels showed all the crackers in the building how the song should be performed, the show cuts to a fantastic video hyping up the history of Mania. It’s all stuff you’ve heard before but damn, it’s impossible to not be a little excited for the show after watching that.
Just realized Lawler has had the exact same smirk in all of these reviews.
– Cole & Lawler are our announce team once again. F***’s sake, Lawler, It’s Mania. You couldn’t shave your chest hair a bit?
Match #1
Hardcore Championship
Al Snow vs. Bob/Hardcore Holly vs. Billy Gunn (???)
– Uhh…what? At the last PPV, Gunn looked like he was in a feud for the I-C title Now, he’s just randomly the Hardcore champion. Apparently, he beat Holly on Raw for the title a couple of weeks before the show. Why did he attack Venis at the last PPV then!? What was the point of any of that if Gunn was just gonna win the Hardcore title out of nowhere? I’m pretty confused right now.
-Oh yeah, by this point, Holly had pretty much completely shed the “Sparkplug” Bob Holly thing.
– Gunn tries to do a “Rah Rah” DX promo before the match but gets jumped by Snow.
– Match quickly spills to the outside as each guy just punch and kick the closest guy to them.
– Snow is the first one to bring in plunder as he whacks both guys with a hockey stick. Crowd seems pretty hot for this.
– Gunn breaks the hockey stick over Holly’s back.
– You are on some other s*** if you think I’m bout to write down every weapon they use.
-Snow is beating ass left and right with a broken broom handle.
– Snow does a cool-looking one man Poetry-in-Motion with a chair. He tried to do the same to Holly but missed. Holly quickly got sent to the outside by Gunn.
– Some outside interference for Snow as Head viciously attacks his opponents with headbutts. Like most men after getting Head, all they can do is lay on the ground exhausted.
– Snow tries to whip Holly into a table set up in the corner but Holly counters. Hardcore quickly turned around into an unprotected chairshot to the head from Gunn because it was 1999 and they didn’t know any better.
– Gunn hip-tosses Snow through the table and tells the crowd to suck his d***, causing the crowd to into hysterics! I’m not kidding, for some reason, Gunn essentially telling them to give him some dome really pleased them.
– Gunn hits Snow with the Fame-Asser on a chair but Holly breaks up the pin with a chair shot. With Gunn still selling the chair shot, Holly covered Snow for the win. New champion!
– Gunn argues with the ref about how he lost his title but ref basically goes “Cry me a river, bitch.”
– Fun little match. It was sloppy but enjoyable.
– A video plays recapping Sunday Night Heat. Apparently, there was some kind of battle royal where the last two guys left got to team together later in the night and face the tag champs, Owen & Jarrett. Looks and sounds like complete ass.
Match #2
Tag Team titles
Test & D-Lo(w/Ivory) vs. Jeff Jarrett & Owen Hart(c)(w/Debra’s titties)
-This is stupid. Two guys that were just fighting each other earlier in the night are now expected to wrestle as a cohesive unit against the tag champs. I’m sure there won’t be any miscommunications! Oh Russo, you truly are a master storyteller.
– Ivory got burned by Terri Runnels a few weeks ago or something. I don’t know, they weren’t clear.
– Can D-Lo go from ashy to classy!?
– Test is wearing a shirt that says “Guns don’t kill people. I kill people.” Which is one of those things that sounds clever but actually makes no sense. He’s the hired GUN so if he kills people, that means that a gun is still killing people. Why do I care about this, you might be asking? Because.
– D-Lo & Test are arguing before the match even starts. Yeah, I totally can’t guess what the finish of this match is gonna be.
– Debra put on her white-trash skank A-Game tonight. Motorboating her would be considered self-harm because her boobs look concrete as f***.
– Yes, I would still smash if you were wondering.
– Hahaha, Ivory rolled her eyes at how much of a ho Debra is despite the fact that she’s basically a prostitute that was originally brought in to throw p**** at Mark Henry. Hate the Game, not the Playa sweetie.
– Match kicks off with a bang as Test hits the Big Boot on Owen and botches clotheslining him to the outside, causing poor Owen to get crazy whiplash.
– D-Lo works over Jarrett a bit before both guys tag out to their partners.
– Cool looking Powerbomb by Test on Owen.
-Owen turns the tide with his awesome Enzugiri. Owen tries to slap on the Sharpshooter but D-Lo surprisingly saves his partner.
– D-Lo just randomly tells Owen that he sucks as the crowd pops.
– The heels get the heat on D-Lo after Owen hits him with a sweet looking Wheel kick.
– Jarrett’s hair is amazing.
– D-Lo makes his own comeback and catches Jarrett with Sky High but Owen breaks up the pin. Test comes into the ring as hell breaks loose.
– Debra tries to interfere but Ivory stops her. I can see someone running down the ramp but I don’t know who it is.
– It’s PMS which consists of Jacqueline (who might have harder tits than Debra), Terri Runnels and someone else who I don’t see or care to know. They play no role on the finish as D-Lo gets beat clean as a sheet in the ring after a dropkick off the top rope from Owen allows Jarrett to roll him up. Really cool looking sequence.
– For odd some reason, Test argues with Ivory outside after the match. PMS have just vanished. Why did they even come out? D-Lo and Test go face to face and it looks like Test has just found himself wrapped up in a n**** moment.
– Test and D-Lo have a freaking terrible brawl with the phoniest looking punches you’ll ever see that ends in like three seconds before a ref politely asks them to stop. D-Lo then pouts and walks up the ramp with Ivory. Well, that sucked. It was like two Kindergardners getting in a scrap before the teacher immediately pulls them apart.
– Decent match considering how short it was but I have no idea what is happening in this storyline.
– It’s time for the BRAWL 4 ALL~! Video plays as Bart Gunn talks about how tough Butterbean is. Friends of Bart say that they think Gunn is gonna win in like two rounds and boy, it is gonna be hilarious watching this dude get his s*** rocked.
– The Mean Street Posse is in the house!
Match #3
Brawl 4 All
Bart Gunn vs. Butterbean
– They got some famous boxer to be the ref. I’m guessing he’s from Philly based on the good reaction he gets. They even have legit boxing judges. Gorilla Monsoon is also a judge and he gets a great reaction.
– Both guys get boxing-like intros.
– The rules to this sound dumb as hell. I tried to listen but I gave up halfway through the explanation because it was so complicated.
– Gunn is called “The Hammer” because of his deadly left hand. lol.
– Round 1 starts and Gunn quickly gets knocked down. Tempting fate, Gunn decides to get up only get knocked the fuck out like his name was Deebo. They had to bring out the smelling salts. Sucks to be Gunn. Dude may have a concussion.
Butterbean could have at least given Gunn some milk and cookies before putting him to sleep. What a d***
– Suddenly, a chicken runs down the ramp. …No, really, a giant chicken ran down to the ring. The announcers are calling him the “World Famous Chicken.” The boxer ref uppercuts the chicken. No clue what the point of any of that was.
– Video recaps Mankind and Show brawling in the back on Sunday Night Heat.
– Foley cuts a promo in the back with Kevin Kelly. He says that he’s overcome everything else Vince has thrown at him and he’ll overcome this.
Match #4
Winner refs the main event.
“The Big Show” Paul Wight vs. Mankind
– Story is that Show cost Mankind the title on Raw and this is Foley’s last chance to be in the main event.
– Show has Vince’s theme.
– Foley is so sure of his victory that he comes out wearing a ref shirt.
– Foley starts swinging as soon as the bell rings in an attempt to knock the big man off his feet but he is cut off by a Big Boot.
– Fight goes to the ringside area with some give-and-take brawling.
– Show soon throws Foley back in the ring and works him over. Foley ducks under a clothesline sending Show tumbling to the floor. This allows Mankind to pull out Mr. Socko. He slaps on the Mandible Claw as Show gets in the ring . Show desperately tries to fight it but Mankind kicks him in the balls. The ref doesn’t call for a DQ.
– Show appears to be fading but is able to power his way out of the move, squashing Foley in the process. That’s one of the only times I’ve ever seen someone actually get out of the Mandible Claw.
– Wight hits Mankind with a chair in plain view of the ref so I guess this is No-DQ.
– …Wait. Now the ref is arguing with Show and Cole says that he needs to be careful or he’s gonna get DQ’ed. The fuck was up with that chair shot then? Matches that are inconsistent with the rules…THAT’S THAT S*** THAT I DON’T LIKE.
– Show throws some chairs in the ring and sets them upright. He chokeslams Mankind through the chairs causing the ref to immediately disqualify him despite not batting an eye at the earlier chair shot or ball shot.How does it make any kind of sense for Show to get himself DQ’ed here? Bulls*** is what this match was. Complete and utter bulls***.
Pictured here: possibly the dumbest wrestler ever.
– I guess Show’s gimmick is that he’s an idiot because this is the second time on PPV he had a simple task and completely screwed it up.
– Vince comes down to the ring pissed at Show for being a moron and getting DQ’ed. Vince starts getting uppity with Show and Show teases Chokeslamming him before letting him go. Vince warns Show to “not make any more mistakes” and slaps him. Vince is wearing a mic so we hear everything he says, BTW. Great subtle touch.
– Not surprisingly, Show knocked out Vince. So, not even two months into his debut and it looks like Show is having a face turn after being booked as the biggest goof on earth these last two PPVs.. Or maybe he’s not, you never know with Russo.
– Meanwhile, Mankind is still hurting from the Chokeslam so he gets stretchered out
– The Stooges help Vince to the back. He demands that they call the cops and have Show arrested.
– Only match I’ve liked so far was the opener and even then, that was for the train-wreck aspect of it.