Sex, Swerves, and Stunners: Backlash (Part 1)

After a horrendous Wrestlemania, we are moving on to the show that features the fallout from The Showcase of Immortals, Backlash. The PPV after Wrestlemania is usually an important one as a lot of feuds that were started during Mania season come to an end as all of the loose ends from the show are tied up. In recent years, it’s not uncommon for the show to be better than Mania itself. Let’s see how this year’s edition holds up. This show was headlined by a WM rematch as the Rock tried to win back the WWF championship from Stone Cold.

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– We start with an opening video hypes up the main event as an epic encounter between two megastars in Rock and Austin. Kinda goes without saying at this point but great video, really established how similar both guys are at their core despite being rivals.

– The logo for this show, on the other hand, is a piece of crap. Very rinky-dink.

– The boys are back in town as Jerry Lawler and Good ole’ JR are our announcers for the night. Guess Cole got moved back to backstage announcer. Shame, he actually wasn’t half bad.

– So, on Sunday Night Heat, the main event was made a No Holds Barred match. Of course, how else would they get in the monthly Austin crowd brawling? Also, Shane McMahon is the ref and if Austin touches him, he’ll get DQ’ed and lose the title to Rock. The fix is in, brother.

– Christian and Gangrel look like they could be twins. Edge stands out with his random ass trench coat.

– Story is that Christian betrayed the Undertaker’s orders by telling Ken Shamrock where the Ministry was hiding Stephanie McMahon while being tortured in the ankle lock. Obviously, the Ministry doesn’t like snitches and Taker tried to sacrifice Christian but Edge & Gangrel saved their friend, thus leaving the Ministry themselves. So yes, the blood sucking goth vampire-wannabes are the babyfaces. Awesome.

– Mideon is carrying an eyeball in a jar. Grody to the max.

– Christian & Mideon start off the match.

– The vampire goths are working wrist locks which just comes off as a gimmick killer to me.

– Crowd just went nuts for some reason after being dead for the first few minutes of the match. It must have been something off-screen because they quickly simmer down.

– This is a really poor choice for an opener. Action is solid so far but fans don’t care about anyone in the match.

– The heels get heat on Edge after a Spinebuster from Farooq.

– Crowd randomly breaks out into a loud “Mideon sucks!” chant. Dude wasn’t even the ring when they did it. To be fair, he does suck.

– Fun little spot where Mideon teases stomping Edge in the nuts with ref Teddy Long telling him not to do it. He seemingly follows the rules before dropping a headbutt into Edge’s sack behind the ref’s back.

– Edge does a cool looking Spear off the middle rope. While in 2005, this would have been the finish, in 1999, it just gives him time to make the hot tag to Christian. Possibly the quietest hot tag you’ll ever hear. Seriously, nobody gave a shit.

– Match quickly breaks down as Christian and Bradshaw are left as the legal men in the ring.

– JBL nails Christian with a huge Powerbomb but Gangrel makes the save. Edge then hits Bradshaw with a Missile Dropkick allowing Christian to roll Bradshaw up causing Farooq to make the save.

– After doing a dive on the outside, Christian is attacked by an interfering Viscera. In a classic moment of babyface stupidity, Edge clearly sees Viscera walking down the ramp but does nothing to stop him. Christian is quickly thrown back in the ring where Bradshaw murks him with the Clothesline from Hell for the win.

– Very eh match. Wasn’t anything wrong with it but it didn’t really do anything for me or the crowd until the last minute or so

– Viscera is on that J.Cole flow with his crooked ass teeth. Not sure how many people will get that joke but shout out to those that do.

– Announcers mention that the Brood and the Ministry aren’t done with each other so this feud must continue. Yay?

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– Show cuts to backstage where the Rock is dragging Austin’s Smoking Skull title as he enters the building. I’m guessing he stole it at some point during the build to this show.

– Oooh, this should be fun.

– These guys have been feuding for a while now as they’ve been in matches with each other three PPVs in a row now.

– Snow is very over. Crowd goes mild for the master of the Alabama Slamma though.

– Match quickly goes to the outside as Holly smashes a jug of water in Snow’s face. Snow, for some incredibly stupid reason, blades for this so now he has a good amount of blood on his face after getting hit with plastic. lol.

– They brawl in the crowd for a bit before going back to ringside where Snow does a Moonsault off the barricade! It’s not enough to get him the win though.

– Snow whacks Holly with the razor sharp plastic water jug before digging out a hockey stick from under the ring which he quickly hits Holly with.

– Snow does this thing where he grabs some kind of stick and then just hits his opponent over and over and over again in the head while they are on the ground. It sounds goofy I’m sure but it looks good.

– Snow tosses a table in the ring to easily the biggest pop of the night so far. The challenger tries to set it up in the ring but Holly cuts him off.

– COOKIE SHEET SHOT TO HOLLY! BAH GAWD, THE CARNAGE!

– They brawl up the ramp and it’s time for some backstage brawling wackiness.

– Holly tries to hit Snow with a literal kitchen sink but is stopped after getting sprayed by a water hose.

– They make their way to the parking lot and throw each other into cars and shit. Hey, “WWE Shut Your Mouth” lied to me, these cars aren’t exploding upon impact!

– Eventually, they brawl off a set of steps and Holly knocks Snow into a pile of garbage next to the steps. Holly then dives into the trash in an awful attempt to splash him.There was like no impact because the trash is, of course, soft. HE’S HARDCORE, HE’S HARDCORE. Holly tries to pin but it’s not enough.

– They brawl their way into the production truck as they both stop wrestling so they can beat the crap of Kevin Dunn. …Ok, they just kept brawling but come on, I can dream.

– Holly takes a rough looking hip toss onto the hood of a car before kicking out of an Elbow drop.

– This match is too long. This Hardcore stuff can be fun in small doses but like 75% of this match is just these two walking around and aimlessly brawling.

– Snow is bleeding quite a bit as some of his hair is stained red. All from a plastic water jug shot.

– They finally go back to the ring where Snow whacks Holly with a frying pan. Snow tries to get fancy and finish the match by splashing Holly through the table but the champ stops him with a frying pan shot to the head.

– Holly quickly capitalizes and puts Snow through the table with a Superplex that looked like it SUCKED for Snow to take.

– Actually, the replay shows that the way Holly did the move, both guys ended up going through the table so they are both selling it. Holly eventually throws an arm over Snow but he kicks out because f*** it, why not waste a table spot in the second match of the night?

– Swear to god, Snow then just hit Holly with Head and got the win. Yes, in kayfabe, a shot from a mannequin head is, in fact, more damaging than being thrown from the top rope through a table. What a lame finish. It made sense that they wanted Head to be the weapon that won the match for Snow but it came off as so freaking anti-climatic after both guys had brawled all over the place and gone through a table.

– Dumb match. I mean yeah, pretty much all Hardcore title matches are dumb but the fun quickly wore off with this one. The match they had at St. Valentine’s Day Massacre was significantly better because it didn’t overstay it’s welcome.

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-Austin is in the building. SOO-WOO.

-We get a promo with the Ministry of Darkness. They must be using two cans and some string as a mic because I can barely hear a word Taker is saying. Once the audio volume increases, I still have no clue what he’s talking about as he babbles on about some “Hower Power” (direct quote). That seemed pointless.

– I-C title must be getting passed around more than one of Godfather’s hoes.

– Wait, they are showing a recap of Godfather’s title win on Raw where he beat…Goldust for the title? The hell happened to Road Dogg!?

– According to my legal advisor, Goldust just randomly won it on Raw after Mania and then even more randomly lost it Godfather a little while later. Of course he did.

– Goldust is accompanied by his “son”, Blue Meanie.

– Meanie hops on the mic before the match and does a parody of Sable’s “grind” shtick from Mania. Alright then. Blue Meanie really isn’t funny. Maybe he was super funny back then but he ain’t getting nothing from me now. He’s pretty much an anchor on every show I’ve seen him on so far.

– Godfather brings out his hoes and oh my goodness, these women are FOINE. Aw shucky ducky quack quack.

– Goldust shields his son’s eyes so he doesn’t have to see the whores.

– Godfather gets the crowd behind him by talking about his Hoe Train (which is a national enterprise according to him) and says that Goldust ain’t getting any loving from his ladies of the night because “they don’t like no scrubs.” I wonder if they believe in chasing waterfalls?

– Only in wrestling could a guy who forces women to sell their bodies for monetary gain be a good guy.

– After both guys trade punches, Goldie gets sent to the outside. After maybe 30 seconds of action, Goldust decides that the match isn’t worth it if he can’t even get his D wet and walks out on the match. Meanie quickly reminds his “mommy” that the I-C title is on the line which is enough incentive for the challenger to get back in the ring.

– Godfather quickly does a Leg Drop but Goldust makes Hulk Hogan cry by kicking out of it.

– The champs gets tossed to the outside and Meanie stomps away at him. This allows Goldust to take control.

– Goldie gets handed some white powder by Meanie but the Godfather smacks it into his face Meanie tries to help his mommy but a blinded Goldust mistakes him for his opponent and hits him. Godfather then causes Goldust, who still believes that Meanie is his opponent, to hit his Shattered Dreams ball kick on his son. Ah, I remember when my mom did that to me.

– Godfather then tries to get the win but Meanie, completely no-selling the ball kick, tries to break it up but ends up headbutting Goldust in his golden globes. Not a DQ because this is a Vince Russo creation and the story doesn’t call for the rules to actually be applied here.

– After splashing mother and son in the corner, Godfather drops the challenger with a Death Valley Driver for the win so he can retain his title. Match was…fine, I guess. There really wasn’t anything to it, it was more of a comedy match than anything.

– After the match, the champ celebrates with his hoes.

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– We now go to Michael Cole interviewing newly crowned Hardcore champion Al Snow in a…bathroom for some reason.

– Snow tries to cut a promo but is stopped by Head “talking” to him. They have an argument over the ending of the match where Head asks Snow which hand he used to pin Holly. This is gonna lead to some old dumb shit where Head is the champion, isn’t it?

Match #4

Winner becomes #1 Contenders to the Tag Team Titles

New Age Outlaws vs. Jeff Jarrett & Owen Hart(w/Debra)

– Road Dogg cuts his usual “Rah-Rah” promo before the match to a big reaction. Amazing how over these two are.

– Debra comes out wearing something very similar to the trashy outfit she wore at Mania. Can’t say that I blame her, the girl is hoeing for some tag team gold! Got to look your best when your men are trying to get back into the title hunt.

– Also, some time between Mania and this show, X-Pac & Kane won the tag titles. No idea what’s up with that but whatever.

– Road Dogg asks Debra to show her puppies (cause he’s a dog durr hurr) since they are the only two reasons why everyone showed up tonight. Debra is like “k” but Jarrett covers up his personal set of funbags. Gunn then moons Owen and Jarrett and the heels attack as the match starts.

– After a quick brawl, Owen and Gunn start out as the legal men.

– “Show your Puppies!” chant breaks out for a pathetically long time.

– “Mr. Ass has got it all.”- JR. Pause.

– Dogg tags in and he has a fun exchange with Owen that ends with Hart out-wrestling him and tagging in Jarrett. Gotta say, from what I’ve seen, Jarrett & Owen are a pretty fun pair.

– Great spot where Owen blind tags himself into the match but Road Dogg sees it so the two lay down while Jarrett is running before Owen and Jarrett bump heads.

– The heels regain the advantage after an Owen Enziguri.

– Another “Show your puppies” chant from this thirsty ass crowd.

– I love how Lawler is a complete dick to Owen and his family on commentary despite both being heels.

– Road Dogg gets a visual win over Owen with a Backslide pin but the ref is distracted by Jarrett so the match continues.

– Heels work over Dogg for a while before Dogg makes the hot tag to Gunn. Gunn runs wild including hitting an awesome looking Powerslam. Mr. Ass is pretty good, not an all-time great or anything but I would certainly call him underrated by a lot of people.

– Match breaks down as both Outlaws do the ten punches in the corner thing at the same time. Gunn then clotheslines Jarrett out of the ring, taking himself out in the process. James should be trying to get the win but he’s too busy trying to get Debra to show her puppies. Owen tries to jump him from behind but gets laid out by a Pumphandle Slam. For some reason, James dry-humps his opponent before hitting the slam. Dogg tries to pin but Jarrett breaks it up.

– Owen puts Jesse in the Sharpshooter but Jarrett gets tossed out of the ring when he tries to slap on the Figure Four on Gunn. Seeing his partner in trouble, Gunn hits a sloppy looking Fame-Asser on Owen for the win. Finish was one of those things that was better in theory instead of execution.

– Match was pretty solid. Best of the night so far but that’s not saying much.

– As the heels retreat up the ramp, Dogg gets on the mic and says “Billy, just for old time’s sake…WHY DON’T YOU SHOW THEM DAT ASS!?” Mr. Ass gladly obliges to squeals from the ladies in the house. Thank god JBL isn’t around to yell, “He’s twerkin’, Maggle!” Not wanting to be outdone, Road Dogg gets funky like a monkey in the ring. Pro-wrestling, everybody.

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– Michael Cole is backstage to interview Shane McMahon. I’m like 99% sure Cole is wearing mom jeans. Shane basically says that he will count the pin for Austin if he can keep Rock down for a three count. Not holding my breath on that. Also, Shane and Vince are beefing for some reason as Shane says that Vince isn’t his father and needs to stay out of his way.

– We then go to a skybox where Kevin Kelly interviews Vince and Steph. Vince says that he hopes Shane knows what he is doing and doesn’t make a mistake like he did on Raw last week. No idea what happened on Raw but ok. I guess Vince is the psuedo-babyface in this family spat which is weird.

– Show goes into the boiler room in street clothes where Mankind is waiting to attack him.

– This match ends when somebody leaves the boiler room

– Show uses his size to toss Foley around, throwing him into various objects.

– Mankind smashes sheet rock over Show’s head but gets hit with a Big Boot while trying to hit Show with a trash can.

– It seems like really poor match planning to have this on a show that has another match where two guys spent most of the match brawling backstage in Snow/Holly.

– Show puts Mankind in a cart and sends him crashing into some blackboards.

– Show tries to leave but Foley smashes a window pane over his head. Despite the glass shatter, Austin is nowhere to be found.

– Foley, like an idiot, seems to have cut his hand on the glass.

– Mankind climbs a ladder for no reason other than the spot calls for it as Show chokeslams him off the ladder through a couple of tables and some glass. This is straight up garbage wrestling. No thought put into anything they are doing, they might as well say “and now, for our next trick…” before every spot.

– Show is bleeding from the glass pane shot.

– Foley, of course, no-sells the shit out of being chokeslammed off a ladder and is back on his feet within seconds.

– Mother of god, Foley’s hand is cut something fierce. Blood is just pouring out of it.

– Show slams Foley onto some metal platform and man, these guys are killing each other.

– Show can win the match but because he’s a mouth breathing knuckle dragger, he just keeps beating on Foley.

– Ahaha, Foley whacks one of the pipes hanging from the ceiling causing Show to get blasted in the face with liquid. That’s what you get Show, you stupid bastard.

– Foley tosses Show into some kind of stand leading to Show getting buried under a bunch of pipes. Foley is like “deuces” and leaves the boiler room to win the match where he is immediately mugged by Bossman and Test and tossed back in the boiler room.

– Show gets himself out from under the pipes and lays out Test before chasing Bossman out of the room. So, he’s a face, I guess?

– Foley recovers enough from the beating he took to put on Mr. Socko and put Test into the Mandible Claw.

– I mean…both guys worked really really hard in that match. I can’t call it a good match but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. Fun match if you don’t think too hard about anything that happened.