Wrestlemania XXX is this Sunday. While other websites will give you wishy-washy possibilities, we here at Wrestletaint.gov don’t play that nonsense. We have spent the last three weeks on a mission to find out EVERYTHING that will take place this Sunday at the Mercedes Ruehl-Julie Benz Superdome. This is why we haven’t posted an update in so long. The covert mission literally left us without any WiFi access, which for us is like asking Patton Oswalt not to go on Twitter every time he has a thought about anything.
These are the guarantees…
Triple H will DEFEAT Daniel Bryan
Yes. Read it again. Triple H will win his match against the much beloved Bryan. We overheard the plan two weeks ago at the McMahon Family St. Patrick’s Day Pancake Bruncheon. Side note, the crepes were AMAZING! Back to the point. The plan is for Triple H to win via shady methods. This will force Wrestlemania XXX host and talking tangerine Hulk Hogan to call an audible and put Bryan in the main event WITH Triple H, Orton and Batista much to the chagrin of the Authority and anyone familiar with continuity when they ask the question ‘Wait…I thought he was just the host?’ This leads to….
Daniel Bryan will win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
The plans for this match were finally determined for good last weekend at Stephanie’s book club. Side note, Steph’s pick, Kathleen Grissom’s novel “The Kitchen House” is absolutely dreadful. Do NOT even think about picking up that book unless it’s being used as a weapon against an assailant. The plan is Triple H will tap to Bryan’s Yes-Lock giving fans memories of a similar multi-man main event championship match 10 years ago where Triple H submitted to a very popular technical wrestler. This allows Batista and Orton to lay claim of being the next number one contender where they will feud with Bryan over future PPVs.
The Undertaker will pin Brock Lesnar
Surprisingly, we found out last Wednesday at Vince’s Jai Alai Invitational Tournament of Death that there was actual consideration of having Brock win the match. But after one of the participants in the tournament died to blunt force trauma to the head from a pelota, Vince realized the importance of mortality and decided it was best to keep Taker’s streak alive.
Bray Wyatt will defeat John Cena
It’s gonna happen. The company loves Bray Wyatt. Not as much as the company loves the WWE Network. We overheard Steph telling one of her assistants that her and Triple H have engaged in assplay while watching Elimination Chamber matches on the Network. Dual assplay. Mostly knuckle-oriented.
Damian Sandow will win the Andre the Giant Battle Royal
APRIL FOOLS! He’s not winning shit. It’s gonna be Sheamus. And it’s gonna lead to a heel turn. Speaking of Sheamus, Triple H is really a big fan of him. While we were pretending to be caddies at the golf course Triple H frequents, we were told that Sheamus has gone golfing with Triple H once. Unfortunately, Sheamus had to bow out after the 4th hole due to sunburn. But because Sheamus can lift 500 pounds and spends 17 hours a day in the gym, Triple H wants him to be the guy that ultimately dethrones Bryan in the summer.
Rosa Mendes wins the Divas Championship Invitational
APRIL FOOLS AGAIN! Rosa’s gonna be the first pinned. Tamina is winning it pinning AJ last. The plan has been for this since the day after Royal Rumble about a half hour before the start of RAW.
The Shield beat The Cialis Express
Roman Reigns will pin Kane, Billy Gunn and Road Dogg all the same time with one foot and the announcers will gush about how great Roman Reigns is and how he will save professional wrestling from the depths of obscurity and irrelevance back to the top where it will remain supreme under his guidance. We got that from the script Vince is writing. Vince loves Roman Reigns in a way that could be best described as Jennifer Jason Leigh to Bridget Fonda in ‘Single White Female’.
Somebody wins the tag-team titles
Relegated to pre-show status, nobody seems to have a plan for it yet. Probably the Usos. Or not. Does it really matter at this point? They broke up half the tag-teams recently and have done nothing with any of them individually. Remember Brodus Clay calling himself a main event playa? He’s not even on Main Event on ION! Positively depressing.
The WWE Network will experience technical difficulties
The WWE, for some reason, decided that stress tests are for losers. They went gung ho with this Network allowing their first PPV card to be the one that’s their Super Bowl equivalent. Not a good move. I hope you enjoy freeze frames. You’re gonna get a lot of those. It’ll be just like how when you watch RAW the night after a PPV and they show the events of that night in single pictures with the audio mixed in.
TAINTBITS: How bad of shape is TNA in you ask? Brooke Tessmacher got a job offer to work for Piggly Wiggly as a third shift stocker. TNA couldn’t match the offer so she has left the company. She starts work at PigWig 10pm next Monday…..CM Punk and AJ Lee are most certainly engaged. Fortunately for Punk, an engagement is not a contractual obligation, so just walking away from that situation won’t have the same ramifications…..Rey Mysterio suffered another knee injury last week while watching an episode of “Scandal” when he hyper-extended his knee reaching out to grab his smartphone to tweet about a drunken Jake showing up to Olivia’s door……When the clock strikes midnight on Monday, Brock Lesnar’s second run in the WWE will have officially lasted longer than his first run…..Christian’s latest concussion isn’t expected to be serious, but the WWE still wants him to wear an Elizabethean collar for 6-8 weeks…..The WWE has considered doing another Diva Search this summer. The idea was pushed by one of the company’s newest corporate employees, former CMLL curtain jerker Juan Laurinaitiez…..The WWE is really optimistic about their next TV deal. A bidding war is beginning and the surprise entrant as of late has been the Weather Channel. If a deal happens, expect plenty of crossover taking place. The WWE is high on TWC meteorologist Jim Cantore.