Last Monday, the wrestling world dealt with a ravenous smark attack while swimming in the shallow waters of boundless speculation all because WWE superstar/internet hero/Pepsi apologist CM Punk abruptly quit the WWE. His sudden departure was the kind of horrible surprise you expect from a loved one trying to put together a surprise birthday party for you only to realize how few friends you actually have so when you show up at the party, there’s only six people there and they’re all family members.
CM Punk has been a staple of the WWE ever since his grand debut in 2006 when he introduced himself to the world on the defunct weekly episodic program (and defunct wrestling promotion due to Paul Heyman thinking Quickbooks was an expression for short-term storylines) ECW. His character made it clear that his only addiction was competition. CM Punk took the ridiculous premise of freebasing off contested fights and made himself into a main event fixture where he added winning multiple world championships as another one of his junkie kicks.
However, last week’s ‘you-can’t-fire-me-cause-I-quit’ routine opened up a wound of questions, uncertainties and conspiracies. Today, consider us the stitches because Wrestletaint.gov has obtained an exclusive phone interview with the Straight Edge Superstar.
WT: Thanks for taking the time to let us interview you Mr. Punk
CM: Sure. It’s not like I got anything to do today.
WT: What are your plans for today?
CM: Well….so far I’ve watched “The Price is Right”, I ate a grilled cheese sandwich and I finally got to deleting my LiveJournal page. I’m improvising the remainder of the day.
WT: Did you read some of the things that you posted on LiveJournal over the years?
CM: Yeah. That’s why I deleted the damn page.
WT: Listen. We got to deal with the elephant in the room.
CM: There’s no elephants in the room.
WT: Figuratively speaking. So are you willing to talk about what happened last week?
CM: I really don’t want to.
WT: Come on!
CM: I really shouldn’t.
WT: COME ON!!!
CM: It’s probably not a good idea at the mo……
WT: COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
CM: Alright. Fine. I left because of Daniel Bryan.
WT: Of cour…..wait….what?
CM: Yeah, everyone thinks I was mad at Batista or Triple H or even Vince. I have no issues with those guys. My issue lies with Bryan.
WT: Why Bryan? What did he do to you?
CM: The ‘yes’ chant was my idea. I told him he should do that. I said he needed a catchphrase. I said ‘Hey Bryan! Just point your fingers in the air and scream YES! ad nauseum.’ He never thanked me for that. Not one lousy interview. Could’ve said, ‘hey, it was my best friend Punk’s idea’. Real prick move.
WT: Wow.
CM: Listen, I know the fans. I know them better than they know themselves. Fact is, those people will chant anything if it’s simple. Look at them! They cheer for Antonio Cesaro, Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter. You know why? Because of three words. WE. THE. PEOPLE. I came up with that too.”
WT: So you came up with the Real Americans gimmick as well?
CM: Oh yeah. A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I’m very anti-immigration. But I built my character to be more focused on abstaining from drugs and alcohol so I thought to myself ‘why not give this idea to a couple of mid-carders and get them over with those mouth breathing drones who sit in the arenas each and every week?
WT: I never took you as a guy who hated illegal immigrants.
CM: It’s not so much that I HATE them per se. It’s more like I wished they would be wiped off the face of the Earth. Like vaporized into dust and forgotten so quickly, it’s almost as if they never even existed.
WT: I think we’re getting off track. Back to Daniel Bry….
CM: …and another thing. I’m still waiting for my royalty check for writing the song “Cult of Personality”.
WT: Now hold on just a minute! You didn’t write that song. Living Colour wrote that song in 1988. You were ten years old when that came out.
CM: LIES! I wrote that song in the summer of 2011 while I was taking my hiatus after winning the WWE Championship at the Money in the Bank PPV. I played the drums, guitars, bass and sang lead and backgrond vocals on that track. I asked Living Colour to perform that song because I couldn’t get my favorite band of all time Collective Soul to perform at Wrestlemania 29 last year.
WT: Collective Soul? Since when have you liked those guys? They don’t seem like a band a guy like you would listen to.
CM: Collective Soul is a musical treasure. Those guys have an unforgettable style and sound.
WT: Quite the opposite. Until you said that name, I totally forgot about that band even existing.
CM: That’s because you have terrible taste in music.
WT: Please. Let’s get back to the topic at han…..
CM: ….Did I ever tell you the story about me being abducted and nearly killed by Somali pirates on a cargo liner in the Indian Ocean only to be saved by U.S. Navy SEALs?
WT: Oh you’re just screwing with us now!!!! That’s the plot to the movie “Captain Phillips.”
CM: Based on a true story.
WT: Yeah. I’m aware of that.
CM: And what’s my first name?
WT: ….Phillip.
CM: Yup. I let my shipmates call me by my first name. We were like family. I almost died for their safety.
WT: You know what? I’m starting to think you’re not taking this interview seriously.
CM: *muffled laughter*
WT: Wait a minute. You are laughing. I can hear you.
CM: No. *more audible snickering*
WT: DAMMIT PUNK! We thought you would give us the opportunity to speak to you first before anyone else regarding the situation last week.
CM: Oh shit!
*voice starts to trail off, speaking to someone who must have entered the room, nothing truly audible*
WT: The hell is going on?
CM: Uhhhhh…..Punk just walked into the room.
WT: Wait. You’re not CM Punk?
CM: Yeah….I’m not. It’s Colt. Sup?
WT: Son of a bitch! This is the fourth time you’ve done this to us. Stop doing that!
CM: Never!
*Colt mutters something to CM Punk away from the phone, sound of tussling over phone*
CM: Who is this?
WT: Wrestletaint.gov. Is this CM Punk?
CM: Yeah. Hey, aren’t you the guys that reported that I have a problem with masturbating in the shower?
WT: Our source says he saw you do it. Anyways, we want to speak to you abou…..
*dial tone*
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TAINTBITS: How bad of shape is TNA in you ask? They taped seven months of Impact episodes overseas…..Chris Jericho will make a guest appearance on the hit TV show “Revenge” later this Spring as Drax Breyer, Grayson family bodyguard. He will only appear for three episodes before he’s blackmailed out of the Hamptons…..Former WCW mainstay Buff Bagwell was seen at a Barnes & Noble over the weekend in Georgia signing copies of any book bought at the store for $5. He was physically removed by management 20 minutes later…..Big Show revealed to friends that he prefers Ragu over Prego in terms of spaghetti sauce taste. He’s also injured and is expected to miss a few months or something…..In case you missed it, Hulk Hogan made a cameo in RadioShack’s Super Bowl commercial. Hogan’s hoping this will raise his contractual value. It won’t…..WWE Films has greenlighted production on their next direct-to-DVD flick “Vasectomy Vacation” starring Lance Henriksen, Rae Dawn Chong, Bronson Pinchot and Alicia Fox…..Betty White was the third Golden Girl Vince McMahon attempted to reach out to be a special guest for next week’s RAW.