“Snow Shark” could’ve been good. Hear me out. In the hands of a director such as Jim Wynorksi, it could’ve been a fun, cheesy romp that played up the premise. Have this shark that resides in the snow come bursting out of snowmen & chomping on unsuspecting skiers. Hell, set it at a ski resort and do a riff on “Jaws”. All the film needed was a playful sense of humor to make it intentionally enjoyable.
I’m not trying to insinuate that Sam Qualiana took his film too seriously. Nor am I trying to insinuate that he didn’t care about his product. All I’m saying is that he doesn’t play up the cheese factor enough. It seems as if he was trying to pitch his film to the SyFy Channel. Because of this, he sacrificed any balls-to-the-wall antics in favor of well-timed snow shark attacks that are mostly off screen. The rest of the film is made up of pedantic dialogue to pad the time.
The story goes that, in 1999, three scientists are in search of a creature that’s been disturbing a small town. Just as they discover that a prehistoric snow shark is the cause, they’re all chomped to pieces. Twelve years pass and the creature goes into hibernation apparently. The urban legend has grown, though, and more ammo is given to the believers after a couple of teens are found eviscerated.
The Mayor (Robert Bozek) issues the town sheriff, Donald Chapman (C.J. Qualiana), to hunt the creature down. Just before two scientists and a great white hunter descend upon the town to help in the search, the sheriff’s lazy son is killed by the snow shark. This is supposed to add drama to the situation, but I honestly forgot he become shark fodder shortly after it happened. It’s a good thing the sheriff and the rest of the townsfolk continually reminded me who died.
There are also multiple side characters who help in passing the runtime. The most notable is Mike Evans (played by the director), a local hunter who claims to have killed the legendary snow shark before. Some believe he was simply capitalizing on the hoax, others…just seem to occupy space. That’s the main issue with this film. None of the characters, even the main ones, truly feel like fully developed human beings. Their sole purpose is seemingly to spread rumors and act obnoxious. That’s their character trait.
Speaking of obnoxious characters, let’s backtrack to the snow shark investigators brought in to help. These three may be the most obnoxious and annoying characters I’ve seen in a film in a long time. Wendy (Kathy Murphy) & Lincoln Anderson (Andrew Elias) are the brains behind the operation, yet they only seem interested in touting their intelligence (and kissing the Mayor’s ass, in Lincoln’s case). On the flip side is Cameron Caine (Andy Taylor), a supposedly well-regarded hunter who hits on every woman he sees and touts his lack of education. I’d be more forgiving of his attitude towards the scientists as they were admittedly being stuck-up primadonnas, but he’s not doing himself any favors by doing the same. I get they were all supposed to be annoying, but it’s clear Qualiana was shooting for humorous bickering. Instead, we got excruciating bickering that had me begging for the snow shark to appear and devour them.
I’d like to at least give credit to the actors for at least trying. Most of them seemed like friends of Qualiana, so their amateurish acting skills make sense. Some, such as Andy Taylor, try their hardest to instill some charisma into their role, but they’re hung out to dry. This occasionally results in some unintentionally hilarious line delivery, but not enough to make up for the monotony.
One scene showed a glimmer of hope for the film. That one involves an auto-mechanic dressed as Santa Claus being attacked in a junkyard by the snow shark. This scene was enjoyable not just because of the surprisingly well-shot sequence of the victim being munched on from inside of the shark’s mouth, but because of the possibilities it presented. The snow shark making it’s way throughout town and descending upon locations such as this junkyard is wonderful. I’m a little disappointed we didn’t see it jump through a broken down school bus, but I’m happy with what I got.
The problem is that’s all we got. The only other quirk is that the shark can seemingly drag people away and nobody notices, even if they’re only a few inches away from the victim. Everything else is either off screen or filmed by a five year old who likes shaking the camera. Which is kind of a shame, as the actual model for the shark looks pretty good given the budget.
I wish there was more to report on “Snow Shark”. I was honestly hoping I’d either be surprised by a film that was self-aware and playfully amusing or at least get a fun failure. Instead, I laid witness to eighty minutes of mediocrity that felt pre-manufactured for the SyFy Channel. Chuckle at the title, then move on with your life.
Final Rating: D-