One of the perks of working in the wrestling industry is the ability of obtaining important insider knowledge of the goings-on in the world of sports entertainment. Sunday night is one of the most heavily-speculated evenings in the WWE. The night where one man will be locked into the main event of Wrestlemania. And many others will go about doing nothing for the next two and a half months as a bunch of part-timers show up and collect a paycheck.
Tonight, our source is pretending to be a current Pittsburgh Penguin so he can get a backstage pass. Our source has never played hockey or even ice skated before. We’re hoping nobody has any hockey-related questions for him. We figured if we have him do a really thick European accent, people will leave him alone for the most part. So our source spent the last month learning how to sound Finnish while attempt to say phrases in broken English like ‘let’s get this party started’ and ‘don’t go there!’
So without further ado, here’s our source’s transcript of Sunday’s festivities….
12:32 pm: Vince arrives. He gives his a couple of fans outside the arena the middle finger. Walks around backstage complaining about the city of Pittsburgh’s odor. He describes the smell as ‘butterscotch and asphalt’.
12:38 pm: Triple H and Steph arrive. Steph is constantly checking her phone. Triple H is staring off into space most of the time. He seems to be bouncing his head to the rhythm of Billy Ocean’s ‘Carribean Queen’ even though the song is not being played anywhere.
2:01 pm: Stage crew puts up the Wrestlemania XXX sign. Vince starts rubbing himself inappropriately. Michael Hayes walks over and puts his arm around Vince. They share a smile.
2:13 pm: The plan, as of now, is Batista winning the Royal Rumble and facing Orton at Wrestlemania.
2:22 pm: Plans have changed. Roman Reigns is gonna win the Rumble, eliminating Batista. Roman Reigns has no idea since he’s not there yet.
3:03 pm: 3MB are trying to start a Grammy pool. So far, only Justin Gabriel has filled out a ballot.
3:17 pm: Batista arrives wearing an unbuttoned navy blue double breasted blazer, a breezy white linen shirt, white denim pants, a nautical scarf that matches the blazer and deck shoes. He says to a couple of the stagehands that he’s gonna be ‘balls deep in poon’ before the night is over.
3:18 pm: Batista is informed of the Rumble changes. He throws one of his deck shoes at Kevin Dunn thinking he’s responsible for this.
3:23 pm: Xavier Woods is informed he’s being bumped off the Royal Rumble for Kevin Nash. Nash walks over to Woods and asks ‘are you still doing that awesome Macho Man impersonation?’
3:28 pm: Curtis Axel waits word on whether he will be part of the Rumble. After careful deliberation, the creative staff decides to go with the midget in the bull costume. Axel understands and puts on his sweatpants and plays some “Call of Duty: Ghosts” on the Xbox One with the Prime Time Players.
3:36 pm: Plans have changed. John Cena is expected to lose his title match, but win the Royal Rumble after a ‘phantom’ injury to Jack Swagger. Batista throws his other deck shoe at Kevin Dunn. Batista is now walking around barefoot.
3:41 pm: Roman Reigns arrives. Discovers that at one point he was supposed to win, begins crying thinking that if he had shown up earlier he would have kept that spot. He arrived late because he was dealing with an invoice issue at his hotel. He only ordered two adult films, not three.
3:52 pm: Big Show is talking to Triple H about a recurring sex dream he has of Heather Graham in “Boogie Nights” and realizes he has some sort of weird fetish for women in rollerskates. Triple H doesn’t seem all that interested in this conversation. He’s looking at his fingernails the entire time.
4:10 pm: Xavier Woods is going through an existential crisis backstage. He’s coming to the realization that his role in the company is like a grain of sand in the ocean in which he will invetiably be stepped on by someone who doesn’t care about his well-being and casually wiped off that person’s foot as soon as they reach the sidewalk where he will be separated from the other specks of sand on the beach for all of eternity until a great flood washes everything away.
4:22 pm: Tyson Kidd comes up to me. Asks me what position I play for the Penguins. Says he’s a big hockey fan and he’s never heard of me before. I, in my best attempt, to sound like I’m from Finland reply with “I shoot stick.’ He smiles, says ‘OK’. I think he’s on to me guys! I’m gonna try and keep a lower profile.
4:39 pm: Plans have changed. Batista is informed he’s gonna win it all tonight, but no plans yet on whether he wins at Wrestlemania. Batista hugs Kevin Dunn, apologizing for his behavior.
4:48 pm: Kofi Kingston is out near the ring trying to leap from the guardrail to the ring. So far after five attempts he keeps falling short. They might have to scrap this idea.
4:59 pm: Daniel Bryan is summoned to Vince’s office.
5:06 pm: Bryan runs out of Vince’s office excited. He tells guys in the locker room that he’s gonna win the Royal Rumble tonight. Everybody gathers around him and congratulate him. Batista stares at Kevin Dunn.
5:07 pm: Steph walks over with a cameraman and says to Bryan that her father was pranking him and everybody was in on it. The roster looks around at each other mystified. Then Steph gives a thumbs up to the cameraman standing nearby. We think this might be part of that practical joke show they’re filming for the WWE Network called “Prime Ribs” that will premiere in June.
5:08pm: Bryan quits.
5:09pm: Bryan immediately recants his resignation realizing his only other option is TNA.
5:10pm: Bryan is informed due to his insubordination, he will lose to Bray Wyatt tonight as well as not participate in the Royal Rumble.
5:14pm: Plans have changed again. It’s now believed that CM Punk will win the Royal Rumble and Triple H will win the WWE Title at Elimination Chamber. Batista takes off his scarf and attempts to choke Kevin Dunn with it. He has to be pulled away by several guys backstage.
5:26 pm: Sheamus arrives. He gives anyone who sees him the shush hand gesture over his mouth. Kinda hard to just blend in when you’re a 6’4″ ginger with red hair wearing a t-shirt with your name and face on it. The sunglasses aren’t fooling anyone.
5:32 pm: Plans have changed. Sheamus now expected to win the Royal Rumble, turn heel in the process and face Batista at Wrestlemania after Batista wins the WWE HW Title at Elimination Chamber. Batista puts his scarf back on and high-fives a clearly frightened Kevin Dunn.
5:51 pm: NXT prospect Alexander Rusev and Brock Lesnar are at the food table. There’s one cinnamon roll left. Rusev and Lesnar both go to reach for it. They look at each other realizing this awkward situation. They get within inches of each other’s face. Neither man is willing to blink.
6:14 pm: All of a sudden, Rusev begins tickling Brock. Lesnar starts to giggle. Seconds later, Lesnar is on the floor while Rusev’s fingers are shoved deep into Brock’s armpits. While this is occurring, Goldust grabs the cinnamon roll, takes a bite, realizes that is has cinnamon on it, spits out the food in his mouth and throws the remaining 2/3rds of the roll in the trash.
6:22 pm: Due to lack of general interest, 3MB cancel their Grammys pool. Justin Gabriel does not receive his money back.
6:27 pm: Eva Marie arrives to the arena wearing rollerskates. Big Show immediately goes to the men’s bathroom.
6:44 pm: Arn Anderson is reading Gillian Flynn’s New York Times’ bestseller “Gone Girl” waiting for official word from upper management regarding plans for Orton and Cena. He refuses to speak to either of them until he knows for sure what’s happening. He’s almost to the end of the book and the gettin’s good.
6:55 pm: There’s Tyson Kidd again. We just had eye contact. I immediately went to the men’s bathroom. Heard audible moaning coming from a bathroom stall.
7:01 pm: Rey Mysterio is putting the finishing touches on the two signs he made for Zeb Colter.
7:09 pm: “Total Divas” film crew is filming a scene backstage where Cameron, Naomi and the Bellas are fighting about a tweet one of them wrote about someone’s boyfriend. They had to re-shoot it several times due to them breaking.
7:22 pm: Lesnar and Big Show go over with Dean Malenko the strategy for their match. Malenko and Lesnar agree that they should have Lesnar hit Big Show with a steel chair about 30-40 times. Big Show tries to make it 5-10. His suggestion is shot down.
7:28 pm: Bray Wyatt is informed that he and Bryan are kicking off the show. Bray does his pre-match routine. Getting into character by eating a bowl of Spaghetti-Os and talking and reciting lines from his favorite movie “Austin Powers: Goldmember”.
7:40 pm: Orton and Cena are informed of their matches’ outcome. Arn Anderson explains to Bray, Harper and Rowan the plan and Bray responds by saying ‘would you like a shmoke and a pancake? ‘ Arn Anderson stares him down and says ‘if you ever quote that shitty movie in front of me ever again I will rip out your intestines and use it as a garden hose for my backyard.’
7:59 pm: Plans have changed for the very last time. They’re going back to the original plan for the Royal Rumble ending. Nobody seems surprised because this is par for the course. Vince goes into the Gorilla Position and says ‘I have a feeling the fans are gonna love this show tonight’.
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TAINTBITS: How bad of shape is TNA in you ask? TNA Heavyweight Champion Magnus did a meet-and-greet at a Publix store in Orlando last weekend. Six people showed up. It got so bad in order to kill the time, Magnus helped out stocking shelves. He was paid $8.25 an hour…..Tammy Sytch is thinking about writing an autobiography. She’ll likely just copy and paste all her Facebook status updates…..Congratulations in order to former WCW tag-team specialist Kenny Kaos from High Voltage as he won the Pick Four in the Alaska lottery two weeks ago. He picked the same numbers he always does, 1-9-9-6…..Big plans expected for Wade Barrett. His platform will soon be mobile…..There is some backstage tension between the WWE Network and the WWE App. The App feels its being upstaged and is publicly calling out the Network to anyone willing to listen. This isn’t the first time the App has been in hot water as there was the whole Tout-App altercation last year…..JTG purchased some new ring attire he will probably not get a chance to ever use…..Lastly, Aksana is off the market gentlemen. She is dating Russian bear trap mogul Alexei Zhurgkevolzhev.
7:09 pm: