Well after years of being funded by the United States federal government, Wrestletaint.gov was notified at the beginning of the new year that we will no longer be given subsidies from our sugar daddies up in D.C. You’re probably asking yourself why the feds have funded a wrestling news and rumors website for several years. It’s a fair question which I will not answer due to the gag order handed down by the Attorney General. But as the old saying goes…when one door closes, another one opens. And now Wrestletaint.gov has found a new home.
Now let’s get back to what The ‘Taint does best. Fake stories bordering on libel Providing insider information obtained legally depending on your definition of what constitutes as ‘moral’.
Royal Rumble Preview
The Royal Rumble is only a few days away and there’s lots of speculation regarding which one of the 30 participants will win the over-the-top battle royale and face the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania Tres Equis. Well we know about 20-25 guys aren’t for sure. So we don’t have to talk about them (maybe next time Damien Sandow). Let’s focus on the potential winners and look at the odds…
Batista
Real good shot. Made his triumphant return on Monday Night RAW wearing jeans that look like they were tight enough for him to wind up with three testicles. His two year contract stipulations include guaranteed world title shots, his own bus, endorsement deal with AXE Body Spray, monthly budget on polo shirts and a recurring role in E!’s “Total Divas” attempting to use his charms on an unsuspecting Eva Marie.
Odds: 4-1
CM Punk
Chicago’s Very Own (trademarked by WGN) CM Punk was announced as the #1 entrant in this year’s Royal Rumble. This virtually guarantees he will remain in the contest until the end. At several points during the match, Michael Cole and/or Jerry Lawler will marvel over this achievement as if it’s the first time it’s ever occurred in a Royal Rumble contest. There is a belief, however, that Punk will feud with Triple H going into Wrestlemania so unless Triple H wins the title between now and March, it looks like Punk is probably going to be on the outside looking in.
Odds: Chicago Cubs winning the World Series in 2015
Daniel Bryan
The WWE’s golden boy for the past six months is undoubtedly Daniel Bryan. Main evented Summerslam. Feuded with Randy Orton. Went through a two week heel turn that had its plug pulled faster than ABC did with “Lucky 7”. No question that Bryan is their hottest piece of ace they got going for them. Naturally, this means the WWE will let his momentum deflate like a pool raft made of Mexican latex.
Odds: Same as Andy Samberg winning a second Golden Globe
Xavier Woods
The dark horse. Not because he’s black, but because there’s always somebody that hangs around even though you least suspect it. Rick Martel made a living off of this. Well, that and his chain of erotic massage parlors he owns and manages in Quebec.
Odds: The inverse of John Cena in a handicap match with 3MB
Tom Zenk
It’s been a long time since we’ve seen the Z-Man. Everyone’s talking about Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts surprising everyone with his presence. Nobody would ever anticipate hearing Zenk’s theme song. Mostly because nobody can remember Zenk’s entrance theme. Since he wrestled in the 80s, it likely sounds like generic butt rock. Think Rick Derringer’s cousin’s Def Leppard cover band that only knows songs from the albums after ‘Hysteria’.
Odds: Kate Upton-Kat Dennings sex tape with Katy Perry as the camerawoman who also joins in midway through
Richard Sherman
Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman entered our nation’s hearts Sunday evening with his best Jim Cornette impression. It’s been told to me through my sources that Vince McMahon was watching the game this weekend and was very impressed with Sherman’s mic skills. He’s already contacted both Sherman and his adversary, San Francisco 49ers wide receiver Michael Crabtree to see if both parties are interested in doing a steel cage match at Wrestlemania. Since the Super Bowl is in two weeks, it’s virtually impossible for Sherman to show up in Pittsburgh to compete knowing he has to prepare for Peyton Manning. A man who’s head is so big, we hope his birth was done via caesarian section.
Odds: About the same as Damien Sandow
Chris Christie (R – N.J.)
The embattled Governor of the state of New Jersey turned full blown heel last week when it was reported that his staff was involved with the closing of multiple lanes on the George Washington Bridge in Fort Lee, a major artery to New York City for commuters. While he is denying any wrongdoing, as the Governor, he is expected to have responsibilities of knowing what is transpiring in his administration. The WWE would love to get Christie out of the Governor’s office and into the battle royale. His low center of gravity would make him a likely candidate to be the one participant that requires several WWE superstars to join forces together in eliminating.
Odds: Better than an Ebola virus outbreak happening inside a Carl’s Jr. in Carson City, Nevada on a Thursday afternoon in mid-October
Your Grandmother
For the love of Pete, will you call her already? She misses you! She hasn’t heard from you since she gave you that birthday card with the $5 bill inside you ungrateful bastard. You know how many hours it took back in the 1930s to earn 5 bucks at a job? SEVERAL! She didn’t help America during World War II working at a factory making munitions just so she can be ignored by you 360 days a year. She’s gonna enter this Rumble to get you to think she’s cool once and for all. And if she busts her hip being thrown over the top by Curtis Axel, so help me God, I will go to your house and punch some sense into your disrespectful face.
Odds: Patrick Swayze being resurrected through science just so Hollywood can go forward with their “Road House” remake
TAINTBITS: How bad is the shape of TNA you ask? Dixie Carter’s husband Serge has been informed that they will only pay him in gruel to write entrance themes…..The WWE is extremely excited that their reality show “Legends House” will finally be seen on their Network platform. They filmed it back in 2002 which explains why the Big Boss Man makes a cameo appearance…..WWE Films has secured the rights to make a movie adaptation of the syndicated 1980s sitcom “Small Wonder”. No plans on who will play the main role of VIKI, the pre-teen robot housemaid. Early prohibitive favorite is AJ Lee due to her adolescent-ish looks…..Kaitlyn’s abrupt departure was a bit of a shock to those backstage. It is not believed to be because of Batista’s arrival, but because she hasn’t outright said it, we believe it is…..Shane Douglas is interested in getting another ECW reunion together for his daughter’s birthday party. Only CW Anderson has signed on so far…..Matt Morgan has started a Kickstarter fund for a 50 inch plasma flat screen TV. Currently, he’s at zero…..Evan Bourne was spotted at a medieval cosplay convention in St. Louis over the weekend. He looks 100 percent according to those who seen him. Then again, he was wearing roughly 40 pounds of plastic armor and pigtails.
That’s all for now. Don’t forget to wash the back of your ears. That’s where the lies accumulate. XO