What if I were to tell you there was a film that existed that had Meat Loaf chasing a diminutive Yeti throughout New York? What if I were to tell you that said Yeti, which looks like an overgrown Furby beaten with a shovel, rode around New York City on a skateboard? What if I were to tell you the Yeti is intended to be delivered to a spoiled rich kid who gets tossed around by Meat Loaf & punched square in the face by a little girl? What if I were to tell you said little girl adopted the Yeti & named him Hank because she confirmed he was a boy by “checking him”?
If none of that interests you, then it’s quite possible you’re a sane human being. If you’re anything like me, though, that sounds like a gold mine of trashy treasure. And it is! It produces some of the cheesiest and most stilted acting I’ve ever seen. In turn it produces some of the biggest laughs I’ve ever seen in a film! All of them unintentional, I promise.
The story goes that Big Jake Grizzly (Meat Loaf) is the world’s greatest wildlife hunter. With a name like that, he better be. Wealthy couple Arnold (Mike Panton) & Angelica Sturgeon (Mona Matteo) hire him to retrieve the legendary Yeti for their spoiled son, Wesley (Jeff Moser). A son they loathe, mind you, yet they can’t figure out why he’s such a sniveling little snot. Maybe, and this is just a hunch, it has to do with you giving him whatever he wants. It’s a theory.
Big Jake recruits his trusty sidekick Blubber (Richard Howland) and they’re off to find the Yeti in the mountains. What they find is a small creature that more resembles a frozen monkey than it does a descendant of the urban legend that is Bigfoot. Grizzly theorizes that it’s been able to elude capture due to the common misconception it’s a giant. The reason for the big footprints are the ridiculously large feet that don’t match the rest of the creature’s body. To be fair, Big Jakes’ theory is correct.
Just as the two hunters are about to capture the Yeti, it escapes into a local mountain climber’s bag. Said mountain climber is Dave Bristow (Jim Gordon), who unintentionally carts the mythic creature back to his home in upstate New York. His daughter, Amy (Chantallese Kent) immediately takes a liking to it, naming him Hank after her former stuffed animal that resembled him. By stuffed animal, I assume she means Furby (see: opening paragraph).
Not wanting to miss out on a huge paycheck, Jake tracks the Yeti down and finally retrieves it. He does so by breaking into the Bristows’ house, taking the animal by force, then locking Amy in the garage. This doesn’t sound that amusing, but the way it’s played out is hysterical. It seems as if this is the end of the movie, despite only being a half hour in, as the parents decide there’s no use in rescuing an illegal “pet”. Amy disagrees and buys a bus ticket to New York City and somehow finds the mansion of the Sturgeons. Just go with it.
It’s here that the film picks up. The Sturgeons are disappointed that the Yeti is the size of a puppy, causing the snooty Wesley to give Jake a mouthful. Grizzly snaps and chucks the kid across the room. It’s at this point the mother realizes Big Jake is her one true love, smiling like a maniac in heat. It’s a shame she never followed up on her temptations. Instead, she pays the hunter more money in order to take the little maid torturer off of their hands. Did I forget to mention that the kid electrocuted multiple maids? How could I forget such an important detail?
In the middle of all of this, the Bristows infiltrate the mansion and take back Hank. It’s at this point that Amy clocks Wesley, causing me to jump out of my seat in joy. I’m not kidding. It’s also at this point that I began to believe the producers had it in for this child actor. The fact that he’s buried in a mound of snow and left for dead later on pretty much confirms this belief.
The rest of the film is essentially a game of Hot Potato with Hank the Yeti playing the part of the potato. He goes back and forth from being in the possession of the Bristows and Big Jake. Occasionally, he wanders off on his on, hopping onto a skateboard and taking a ride through New York City. This comes to an end at the Bristows’ cabin in the mountains with a sequence that strongly resembles the finale of “Home Alone”. It’s as if the producers were begging critics to claim this as, “Home Alone meets E.T.!”
While it’s certainly not as good as “Home Alone” or “E.T.”, the film has it’s qualities. None of them good, mind you, but they’re amazing! As I mentioned earlier, the acting is awfully hilarious. Meat Loaf switches back and forth from being an intimidating brute to a scenery chewing buffoon. Chantallese Kent has one emotion and that’s to be cute. Jeff Moser, the other child actor, also only has one emotion and that’s to be as annoying as humanly possible. If there was ever an award for the whiniest character in film, he’d surely win it. The rest of the cast simply occupy space.
I do wonder if director Bob Keen set out to make a wholesome family film. By all means, the story is innocuous enough to be so. Yet, there are dark undertones surrounding this film, such as the aforementioned beating of Wesley. This may shock some, but it astounds me. I can’t say for sure what they were going for when making this film, but I can safely say it’s a masterpiece of a fun failure!
Final Rating: FF (Fun Failure)