Welcome, one and all, to the conclusion of Horror-ble Sequel Month of Movienalia! We’ve encountered demonic lamps, moody werewolves, urban corn and… well, “Bud the Chud”, which is in a league of it’s own (that’s not a compliment). We bring it all to a close with what is possibly one of the strangest sequels ever, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation”. Not strange just because it stars a pre-famous Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger, but strange simply because of cross-dressing Leatherface. You read that right.
So kick, relax, put on somebody else’s makeup and enjoy my torture of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation”!
-This film’s original title was “The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. While not a great title (the massacre itself can’t really return), it’s a bit better than “The Next Generation”. All I can think of when I hear that title is “Star Trek”.
-“August 18, 1973. News of a bizarre, chainsaw wielding family–reports which were to ignite the world’s imagination–began to filter out of central Texas. Regrettably not one of the family members was ever apprehended and for more than ten years nothing further was heard. Then, over the next several years at least two minor, yet apparently related incidents, were reported. Then again nothing. For five long years silence…” …which had to be shattered to dig this series out of it’s grave and rape the corpse.
-It’s weird to see Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey’s names appear in front of such a terrible film. Actually, no it’s not. Carry on.
-How long is this woman going to put on her makeup? It’s red enough, damn it!
-It took the sounds of her father beating her mother to wrap up her lipstick job.
-The lipstick aficionado is Renee Zellweger, who’s preparing for her prom. I bet she wrote all about it in her diary.
-Her mother is taking pictures of her and her date and… wait, where’s the lipstick? You’re telling me she wasted all of that time applying makeup, only to wipe it all off? Oh, you bitch!
-Her date looks like the pretty boy version of Cillian Murphy.
-This prom is less exciting than mine. And I didn’t even go to mine.
-It is interesting that a woman, Kim Henkel, wrote and directed this. While not a shining achievement, it’s always nice to see women get a chance to direct horror. They can handle terror just as well as a man. This may be a bad example, but my point still stands.
-Barry is cheating on Heather. That rat bastard! Wait, scratch that. I don’t care!
-Heather is driving recklessly with Barry in the passenger’s seat. Steal his car and endanger your life. That’ll teach him!
-Barry thinks Heather is being too possessive by getting angry at him kissing another girl once. In his words, “It’s like I can’t even talk to my friends anymore!” It’s hard to talk to them when your tongue is down their throat.
-By the way, Heather isn’t Renee Zellweger. It’s one of her air headed friends. Didn’t want to confuse anybody.
-According to Barry, you can get prostate cancer if you don’t have sex. I believe masturbation lowers your chances of getting prostate cancer, buddy. Let your hands work their magic if you’re not getting any. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything. *shifts eyes*
-Renee Zellweger and her boyfriend popped up from the backseat. Kim wasted a jump scare on two teenagers screwing in the back of a car. I take back the nice comments I had for her earlier.
-Heather crashed into another car and drove away. We’re supposed to root for these people, why?
-When Jenny (Zellweger) told Barry he was lying about the cancer bit, he stated, “My father’s a doctor, so I think I know what I’m talking about!” Talk to your father and I’m sure he’ll diagnose you with stupidity.
-Heather believes Barry about the cancer line. Are you fucking kidding me?!?
-Barry and Sean used to best friends until the eight grade. Barry became a popular jock and Sean became a geeky loser. This is going to be (the polar opposite of) interesting.
-Barry once told a girl that his father was a doctor and he told him that women get breast cancer if they don’t get felt up. I hate this idiot!
-“It’s not my fault they’re stupid enough to believe it!” As much as I despise this guy, he’s got a point.
-Jenny and Sean were only getting high, not making out. I thought smoking dope made you “cool”?
-Heather wants to get in a car accident so someone will write a song about it. This would be the time where I’d jump out of the car.
-“Girls have tits!” Thank you Barry for that insightful information.
-Jenny drove onto a deserted road and crashed into another car. I told you to jump out.
-The other driver walked out of his car, stated he was alright, then passed out. He seems fine.
-“I’m not staying here all alone! What if he dies?” I’d like to know the answer to that question, as well. Why is she scared to be alone if he dies? It’s not like he’s going to come back to life and kill her. This is a TCM movie, not a zombie flick.
-Jenny is going in search for a phone. It’s 1996. Barry is seemingly a rich bastard. You’re telling me he doesn’t have a cell phone?
-For someone so scared, Jenny seems excited to be murdered. I call it bad acting.
-The gang found the corpse of a… dog? There wasn’t a good enough angle for me to tell.
-The gang stumbled upon a businesswoman shacking in the middle of nowhere and she’s calling the police. Say hello to your first victim, folks!
-“Why do blondes stick their heads out of car windows? To get a refill!” We don’t need tired comic relief, lady.
-The businesswoman just flashed some high school boys. Getting in a wreck doesn’t seem so bad now.
-Enter Matthew McConaughey as the tow truck driver. His shining moment, ladies and gentlemen!
-Matthew diagnosed the other driver as dead. When Sean was informing him he was just talking, he snapped the guys neck. Never challenge McConaughey’s word!
-Matthew has a mechanical leg. When did this become “The Texas RoboChainsaw Massacre”?
-Now he’s chasing Sean with his tow truck. He’s slowly driving slow to tucker him out. This is how hillbillies spend their Saturday nights.
-“Come back to pappa now!” McConaughey needs to use this line in one of his romantic comedies.
-He’s repeatedly running over Sean. Guess I was wrong about the businesswoman being the first to be offed. Looks like she’s working with the family. Between her and McConaughey, I’d like to know when the family got so attractive?
-Barry and Heather are chasing down a truck for a ride. I wouldn’t want to hitch a ride with someone who clearly didn’t want to pick me up. It may end in disaster.
-Jenny was just attacked by a trash bag. I knew not to trust those after seeing “American Beauty”.
-“Don’t call me dumb, Barry! I may not be the smartest person in the world, but I’m not stupid!” You believed the no sex equals cancer line. Hate to break it to you, but you’re stupid.
-“I just act that way sometimes to get people to like me, that’s all.” Ah, the Steve-O effect.
-Heather is telling Barry that Jenny has a body to die for. Leatherface would agree.
-Jenny’s flashlight burned out. If only there were spotlights that made everything visible.
-Heather and Barry are going to lie to a family in the backwoods about giving them fifty dollars for a ride. This explains why Leatherface is a murderous lunatic. He’s still waiting for his fifty dollars.
-Barry is being held at gunpoint by a hick and Leatherface is standing behind Heather and smelling her hair. This seemed like a good place to stop and get help.
-The hick just called Barry a bonafide moron. I like this guy!
-Leatherface (who’s rocking jerry curls) is attacking Heather in his house. Is it technically trespassing if you drag them inside?
-Leatherface locked her in a casket. And by locked her in, I mean he shut the lid and she was able to open it. He’s dumb, but not this dumb.
-He placed a barrel on top of the casket to lock her in. It’s about time some common sense hit him.
-This version of Leatherface looks like he’d down a beer and watch football.
-This hick is quoting famous historians. I’m feeling bad for calling him a hick now. He’s rather smart.
-Barry has been forced into the house. This is the strangest case of trespassing I’ve ever seen.
-Barry is using their bathroom, which resembles a white room at an insane asylum that’s been rotting away.
-He found a dead body in the bathtub. At least they keep their corpse clean.
-Leatherface knocked him out. Thank you!
-Why is Leatherface wearing a camo jacket? Did he just get back from serving in the Army?
-He retrieved Heather from the casket and hung her on a hook. Now she resembles a mannequin even more so!
-Jenny just waved down McConaughey. I like to think these two have coffee once a year and discuss this film.
-McConaughey is getting angry at Jenny for not getting in the truck. When Matthew tells you to get in the truck, you get in the damn truck!
-McConaughey is scaring Jenny. Funny, he’s only making me laugh.
-“You want scared? You want scared?” Take a look at your career in 2012, Renee. Now that’s scary!
-He just shown her Sean’s dead body in the back of the truck. In an ironic twist, that actor’s career died while their’s soared.
-Jenny just jumped out of the truck. Had she done that earlier while driving with Heather, she would’ve avoided this whole mess. This is what she gets for not listening!
-McConaughey blasts 80’s rock music while chasing his victims. At least he’s giving us a bitchin’ soundtrack!
-McConaughey left Jenny in the woods. Either he grew tired of her or he’s setting her up for Leatherface. I’m kind of hoping it’s the former. I’d rather he be working for himself and battle Leatherface later. Chainsaw vs. Tow Truck!
-Here comes Leatherface! Guess the second option was correct. Bah humbug!
-Leatherface is chasing her through the river. If he drops the chainsaw, won’t the water ruin it? Then again, this is a movie. You can drop a gun in the water and it’ll still shoot.
-Jenny ran into the house. At least she wasn’t forced in like her friends. Well, she kind of was.
-Leatherface looks deflated in this film. Did he go on the Atkins diet?
-Jenny just jumped out of the attic window. It turns out Leatherface can crawl through the window and chase her on the roof. She’s just making it easier for him.
-He’s sawing down the chimney. Just go around it!
-She’s climbing the antenna. Why are you making it so easy for him to catch you? Just jump off the roof! It’s not that far of a drop.
-She latched onto the cable wire just as he sawed the antenna in half. When did this become “Mission: Impossible”?
-Leatherface sawed the cable wire (who knew he could do that) and she fell into the greenhouse. At least Leatherface’s family is eco-friendly.
-Jenny seems relatively fine after crashing through the greenhouse roof. Told you it wasn’t a long drop.
-Leatherface arrived and the chase is back on! Now through the woods. How long until we get to that awesome underground dungeon from the second film?
-Jenny ran to the businesswoman’s work trailer. Maybe she will be killed. I thought she was too attractive for the family.
-The businesswoman didn’t find anybody and figured it was one of the local boys playing a prank on Jenny. Nothing says funny prank like murder!
-W.E. was the smart hick that chased Barry into the house. The businesswoman called him into her office. Is she with the family or not?
-The businesswoman told him to tie Jenny up. It’s settled! She’s with the family. Not that it makes this film much better.
-W.E. is whipping her repeatedly. This is almost humiliating for Renee as “Case 39”.
-Now he’s shocking her with a tazer. He’s going to have to start doing that to me to keep me awake during this boring mess.
-The businesswoman got pizza with Jenny locked in the trunk. Unsurprisingly, the worker could hear her screams. Who would have thought that would happen?
-Now a cop car is behind them in the drive-thru. We’re only halfway through this film. Expect them to not notice anything suspicious and move along.
-The cop approached her and asked her what’s in the trunk. She flirted her way out of it. Never trust cops!
-Now she abducted Heather, who was lying in the middle of the road. When and how did she get off the hook? Also, why is there no scar on her back?
-The businesswoman is lightly tapping her with a stick. Is this the film’s idea of violence? The original makes this one look like “Sesame Street”!
-Forget the abduction. She left Heather behind. She doesn’t have time for that. She has a pizza to eat!
-Leatherface is dressing like an old lady now. Is his new name the Gender Bender?
-The woman just told W.E. to go get Heather. Why couldn’t you? You were right there!
-McConaughey is in a relationship with the businesswoman. Want to know why Chop Top was effective? He wasn’t an attractive model. He was a hideous monster!
-McConaughey is fish hooking Jenny. I guess that’s only illegal in the UFC.
-Heather has been dragged into the house by Leatherface. He must have tapped her harder with the stick.
-McConaughey is making out with Heather. How is that a bad thing? Oh, he bit her. So he gets a little rough. A lot of women would love to be bit by him!
-“He’s not near as bad as he seems once you get to know him!” Once you do, he learns he writes poetry… after abducting teenagers.
-According to the businesswoman, it’s McConaughey’s job to kill people to keep the world in line. Leatherface and his family were the ones that shot Kennedy. Are you fucking kidding me?!?
-McConaughey burst into the room to call Jenny a little desert flower. He is nice when you get to know him!
-He’s holding a knife to her throat. At least he gave her a compliment before endangering her.
-She saved herself by saying, “You want me alive for some reason!” That actually worked?
-Now he’s slapping the businesswoman around. Who’s side is she on?
-The family spat gave Jenny enough time to grab a shotgun and is holding them up. How do four people let one woman get a gun that easily?
-McConaughey is taunting Jenny by cutting himself and not listening to her demands. This is how he convinced the directors to include a scene with his shirt off in every film.
-McConaughey’s choking his girlfriend with his mechanical leg. This is the part where you shoot the gun, Jenny.
-She put the gun in his mouth and it shot a blank. Should have just clubbed him with it.
-McConaughey is going batshit insane right now! He’s acting like Bugs Bunny on meth.
-Jenny escaped the house and hijacked their car. Why is that she can easily get away from these people?
-McConaughey jumped onto the car and is riding along with her. This is unintentionally hilarious!
-Jenny got out of the car like a moron and was dragged back into the house. Wait until they start arguing again and she’ll make her escape.
-Leatherface is putting on makeup. What the fuck?!?
-The businesswoman just told McConaughey that she could always go back to her husband. I bet he doesn’t choke you with his boot like Matthew does. You know you can’t resist it!
-Their idea of foreplay is to mess with Matthew’s mechanical leg. Is it weird that I find this the strangest thing in this film so far?
-It’s dinner time! Nothing makes you hungrier for pizza then corpses at the table.
-McConaughey woke Jenny up by slapping her around and screaming in her ear. Is this how he wakes up his own family?
-Leatherface is decked out in full makeup. Seriously, what the fuck?!?
-Where is W.E. getting these quotes? An encyclopedia set?
-“The only reason for any of this is that he’s a psycho and gets off on this!” It took you that long to figure that out?
-Who dressed Jenny up in a rejected KISS costume?
-Jenny is going to become Leatherface’s new playmate. They can put makeup on together!
-Jenny is slapping McConaughey. It’s on!
-Jenny calls McConaughey an idiot, so he slaps his girlfriend and hits W.E. in the face with a club. Seems like a reasonable response,
-Leatherface was about to chase Jenny, but she demanded he sit back down. He obliged. When did he become such a wuss?
-McConaughey set Heather on fire. I forgot she was still in this movie.
-His girlfriend set the fire out because she wouldn’t be able to get that smell out from her clothes. Isn’t Heather wearing her own clothes?
-Two detectives came to investigate the house. Who tipped them off, the pizza cop?
-The detectives are on the family’s side. What a (lame) twist!
-“I want these people to know the feeling of horror!” Make them watch this film on a twenty-four loop and they’ll witness horror.
-The detective has hoop piercings on his belly button. Is that his definition of horrific?
-Now he’s licking Jenny. That’s kinky, not horrific.
-McConaughey is crushing Heather with his mechanical foot. Horror!
-I think he just had an orgasm.
-Now he’s cutting himself because he got yelled at. No wonder the directors let him take his shirt off. He throws a hissy fit if he can’t.
-This distraction allowed Jenny to run away. Stop letting her go!
-McConaughey caught her and Leatherface is revving up the chainsaw. How will she get out of this? She better hope for another McConaughey meltdown.
-She stole the remote to Matthew’s mechanical leg and is messing with it. How does that stop Leatherface from sawing her in half?
-Jenny escaped the house again. This is getting repetitive.
-Leatherface is on the prowl again. This time he’s screaming like an old lady. Progress?
-“W.E.! Get that bitch… now!” You sent Leatherface, not W.E..
-Jenny hitched a ride with an old couple in an RV to avoid Leatherface. What a pale comparison to the ending of the original.
-Leatherface is riding in McConaughey’s tow truck and sawing at the RV. That’s a bit better.
-The RV tipped over. Did Leatherface shove it?
-I feel bad for the old couple. They had nothing to do with this. Way to be selfish, Jenny!
-A random jet flew by and sliced McConaughey with it’s blade. What?!?
-Leatherface is having a mental breakdown. I… words can’t describe how weird this is.
-A limousine picked Jenny up and is driving away with her. What the hell is going on?!?
-Leatherface is doing the chainsaw dance from the original, this time while dressed as a woman. Not an improvement.
-The government is stating this scenario was supposed to be a spiritual experience. What?!?
-The cops said this isn’t the first time this has happened. That’s not encouraging at all.
-One more shot of the Gender Bender Leatherface chainsaw dancing before the credits roll.
That’s “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation”! What more can be said about a film where Matthew McConaughey stalks (rather goofily) Renee Zellweger in the backwoods while he pals around with a cross-dressing Leatherface? That sentence speaks for itself! What a fitting way to close this year’s Halloween spectacular!
I’ll see you all next week!