Welcome, one and all, to the first edition of Horror-ble sequel month at Movienalia! ‘Tis the season for horror movies, bad ones for Movienalia! What better films to pick on then terrible sequels to horror films? There’s nothing worse than bleeding a series dry and/or trampling over the original.
This week, I take a look at the recent “Howling” sequel. This is the seventh in the series and the first installment in twenty years. Was it worth the wait? If it were, would it be inducted into Movienalia? I think not!
So kick back, relax, stock up on silver bullets and enjoy my torture of “The Howling: Reborn”!
-“Hey, hey! Hey look! I need you to be strong and stay with me.” I’m only a few seconds in and some pretty boy asshole is staring into the camera telling me what to do. I’d rather be weak and give up!
-“You’re the one who’s going to have to kill me.” I may not like you, but I don’t want to kill you. Just watch your career stumble and fail. That’s much more satisfying!
-Werewolves stalk redheads in the city. Does this mean they’re going to take out the cast of “Sex and the City” next? Please?
-The werewolf talks in a seductive voice. Are you fucking kidding me?!?
-“I’ve come for you and what’s inside of you. The real Evolution is coming!” Damn it! Triple H is going to take over Raw with his buddies again?
-Random explosion. I guess they figured the audience was already bored and needed a wake up call.
-The asshole talking into the camera was the baby who was nearly murdered by the werewolf who spoke seductively and caused random explosions. He’s filming a video diary because… the track and field meeting was cancelled?
-“Who am I? I guess I don’t really have a good answer to that question,” The answer is nobody.
-“How can you miss something you never had?” This film never had a good script, yet I miss that.
-Is this going to be a werewolf movie or teen drama?
-“Your parents fading hopes and dreams are hanging on the outcome!” The director’s parents must be really disappointed.
-“You were a part of the debate team that brought home the silver this year.” Is transforming into a werewolf and gobbling your opponents whole considered debating?
-“There’s nothing special here.” You can say that again!
-How the hell did our pretty boy’s friend only sell two yearbooks?!? Those are the most popular items amongst popular airheads.
-“High school girls are like history class; completely fascinating and utterly boring at the same time.” That’s an oxymoron, pal.
-A gang of thugs got enrolled into the school a month before graduation. That makes complete sense in bizarro world.
-Will has a crush on Moze but is too afraid to make a move. When playing up the shy nerdy guy, actually cast a shy nerdy guy. This is like when they cast the ugly duckling who’s actually drop dead gorgeous.
-Moze’s boyfriend just cut Will’s neck because he looked at his girlfriend. Imagine what he’d do if he found out he fantasizes about her each night.
-Eliana just stole Will’s notebook that has drawings of her in it. Instead of freaking out about it, she feels honored to have a stalker. This is bizarro world.
-“There are two types of people in the world. Those who take what they want and those who get taken.” Then there’s those who take Joe Dante’s vision and pummel it into the ground.
-“Fun science fact; what really separates humans from other animals? Two percent of our DNA.” I came for werewolf attacks, not science facts.
-I could have sworn the woman consoling Will and cleaning up his wound was a teacher. Turns out she’s a fellow student. How stressful have these four years been for her?
-Eliana invited Will to a party. What they say is true; chicks dig scars!
-Will’s father’s birthday gift to him is a sad tale reminding him that his mother is dead. Gee, thanks Dad!
-Will, why are you wearing your mother’s silver wedding band? You’re single and not engaged to your dead mother.
-Will is philosophizing about free will. He should start philosophizing about getting this role stricken from his resume.
-Will went to the party he was invited to and immediately had a woman’s tongue down his throat. Usually when I go to parties I have a bouncer’s foot up my ass.
-Will is Eliana’s plus one. According to this movie, stalking pays off. What a good message.
-“It’s more fun being free and a danger to myself and others.” That type of fun can land you in jail. Just saying.
-“Don’t worry. I don’t bite… much.” It’s funny because this is a werewolf movie. Except that it’s not funny at all.
-“I don’t know. I feel weird!” That’s called puberty, Will. It’s about time you hit it.
-Eliana turned into a werewolf. I didn’t know Will was into furries.
-Will escaped the sewer and Eliana snuck up behind him back in normal form. Then she bailed on him when the school security guard busted him for being high. What I’d like to know is why he was there. Last I checked, the party wasn’t at the High School. That and it’s the middle of the night and he worked all day. Doesn’t he have a replacement? The fact that I care more about the pointless security guard goes to show how boring this film is.
-I love how Will asks his friends about werewolves and he’s not the least bit concerned about his friend’s newfound fascination with the beasts.
-“That’s what Hollywood gets for casting geezers in lead roles. I mean, if I wanted to see someone in their forties, I’d just go home and look at my parents!” Yes, because casting a bunch of teens in this werewolf movie certainly worked out for the best.
-Will’s friend is making fun of vampires. What a cheap pot shot!
-There’s a full moon tonight. How convenient.
-“When somebody had a question they didn’t know the answer to, they’d ask God. Now, they ask Wikipedia.” To be fair, Wikipedia usually responds.
-Eliana and Will are texting in class. How cute! And by cute, I mean dull.
-Will no longer needs his glasses to see? Did he get by a radioactive spider?
-Eliana’s boyfriend cornered Will in the bathroom. If this were college, he’d get date raped.
-Will punched the asshole and he briefly turned into a werewolf. That’s… interesting.
-The asshole just pulled out a gun. How did he get into the heavily secured school with that?
-Either Will turned into a werewolf or that random thug who walked out of the bathroom did. I’d probably know if I actually cared.
-The asshole got chucked down a flight of stairs. These werewolves are lame!
-Will kissed Eliana. If you listen closely, you’ll hear the sound of nobody caring.
-The school chef stuck a finger in Will’s hot dog. How much restraint do the filmmakers have to resist making a “finger licking good” joke?
-That woman who helped Will earlier has to be a teacher. That must mean her boyfriend from earlier is a student. There’s a much more interesting film in here.
-The woman is hitting on Will’s father. I guess she likes them both young and old.
-Will just asked his friend how he becomes a werewolf. You know, it makes sense for us to piece the puzzle together, considering we know this is a werewolf movie. Will, however, is jumping to conclusions. How does he know what he seen in the sewer wasn’t a regular wolf? That may sound crazy, but so does believing in werewolves.
-Did Will’s friend just tell him to try and kill himself? What a prick!
-If Will’s actually a werewolf, he can only die from fire or a silver bullet. If he stabs himself to death with a knife, his wounds will heal. What if he’s not a werewolf? Is he going to just kill himself?
-Will’s friend started to freak out about his friend slitting his wrist, then decided to record it on his phone. What a sick bastard!
-Will’s wound healed. Talk about good luck!
-Will just told Eliana that he’s a werewolf. This is what I tell dates when I hope to never see them again.
-“Vampires, they’ve got it easy!” What is with this movie’s obsession with knocking vampires?
-Eliana’s answer to the werewolf reveal is to make out with Will. I have a feeling if I try this, it won’t work. Call it a hunch.
-While Will hooks up with Eliana, his father hooks up with the possible child molester.
-“All I’m thinking about is what sex with you would be like.” Why are all of the women in this horny? Oh right, bizarro world.
-Both Eliana and the possible child molester are tying up their lover’s hands. All of the women are kinky, too. Can I live in bizarro world?
-The possible child molester is a werewolf that can change form into his father’s dead wife. What?!?
-Will’s father has been devoured. Who cares? He’s getting lucky!
-Scratch that. Will never got passed second base. Boo!
-Eliana opted to talk about her father who abandoned her instead of having sex. This is more realistic.
-“You’re kind of like a good book I can’t put down yet.” Really?!?
-Eliana is going to Europe for the summer. What a terrible excuse! Oh wait, she’s serious. I’m sorry! I’m just used to hearing excuses from women.
-“It’s like the rest of the world’s in black and white, but you’re in color.” Enough with the cheesy dialogue!
-One of the thugs convinced the security guard to override the system, then shoved his face into the computer. You’re a werewolf. Bite him!
-Will’s father’s killer is stalking him in the library. When did this become a Lifetime movie?
-Is this crazy lady impersonating his mother or is she the real deal? Had she been attacked by a werewolf and survived, she’d become one. Why she’d wait eighteen years to return is beyond me, though. Maybe she had a seminar she had to attend.
-Not only is it a full moon tonight, it’s a blue moon, too. The plot convenience is choking me.
-The thugs revealed that they weren’t trying to kill Will. They were trying to welcome him to the group. Just like a fraternity! Only this one’s a bit more hairier.
-“Forget your books and your technology. That’s not life.” It’s not? My life is a lie!
-She killer her husband because he tried to raise his child normally. What an asshole.
-“He taught you useless facts and called it knowledge.” He was a high school teacher?
-Eliana came back to see Will and seen him walk away with his mother, who she thought was dead. So, she wasn’t a werewolf? Whatever!
-Eliana’s heart is broken because Will told her he doesn’t want to see her anymore. You barely know him!
-Will saved Eliana from being mauled by his fellow werewolves by tackling her through a window. This is why you don’t let stuntmen save the day.
-Will got stronger after falling to his death. Werewolves gain strength via suicide?
-“You know what they say about the white light? It’s bullshit! Or maybe they just didn’t turn it on for me.” Just shut up, Will!
-Will and Eliana got locked in the school with the werewolves. So did his werewolf enthusiast friend, for some reason.
-Will’s friend is filming the rebirth of American cinema. You keep telling yourself that, kid.
-Will’s friend became werewolf chow. His dying wish was for the video to be put on Youtube so his death wasn’t in vain. The attack on today’s culture is so strained.
-“Thank you for earlier, Will!” “You would have done the same for me.” What makes you think that?
-Eliana knew about Will’s obsession with her and was flattered. He made her feel beautiful on days she didn’t and never said anything out of fear of not living up to his expectations. Everybody in this film is crazy!
-They just stumbled upon a few dead bodies. The werewolves have been storing them in the school basement? What?!?
-Werewolves usually eat their prey, not collect them. They’re animals, not serial rapists.
-“He’s outgrown his usefulness!” What a way to divorce your husband, lady.
-Will’s father is still alive. His mother is forcing him to kill him. Will said no, so she snapped his neck. These werewolves are boring!
-“I’ll never kill a human!” Not even a terrorist.
-Will’s mother called him out on killing Eliana’s boyfriend. So it was him and not the random thug! Unless they reveal she just lied. If so, fuck this movie! Just get to the point.
-Will told Eliana to run away. Maybe she’ll get lucky and run to a better film set.
-“Remember that mere two percent that separates us from the animals?” No and I really don’t care.
-Will just set his mother and the werewolves ablaze. And by set them ablaze, I mean started a fire a few feet away from them and left them to escape. They weren’t burning, you moron!
-Will is searching for Eliana. You wouldn’t have lost her if you had her to stay with you for another minutes. It’s not as if she would have accidentally caught on fire.
-A werewolf has captured Eliana. If Will had set them on fire, this wouldn’t have happened. Just saying.
-He somehow appeared right behind the werewolf and stabbed it with his silver medal trophy for the debate team. Wasn’t he a few rooms away a second ago?
-“I guess it’s a good thing you didn’t win the gold!” Now’s not the time for jokes, Eliana!
-“I’ve always been scared of letting someone in. Or maybe I’ve been scared of letting me out.” Stop with the philosophizing, kid. It’s coming across as pathetic.
-Will and Eliana are having sex. They couldn’t do this earlier when they weren’t being attacked by werewolves?
-Do they have to play a lousy rendition of “(Don’t Fear) the Reaper”?
-Now they’re fighting again instead of having sex. Just fuck already!
-Now they’re having sex .At least I hope so. If they stop again, I’m going to be pissed!
-Will scratched her back and stormed off. Son of a bitch!
-“My generation, we’re not about relationships and commitments. We’re about hooking up. It’s like somewhere along the way we were led to believe that knowing too much about a partner makes love somehow less exciting. We were led to believe wrong!” I don’t care! Just have sex already!
-Will’s mother interrupted them. This is the only time that this occurrence was because of said mother being a murderous werewolf.
-The reason the werewolves held the dead bodies hostage was because, once the full moon rises, they’ll convert into werewolves. The ones with broken necks aren’t going to fair so well.
-Where did Will find that gun with silver bullets?
-The video diary from the beginning was Will showing the world that he’s a werewolf so they believe his story and fight the other werewolves. You know, maybe your mother only wants you. Give in and it’s possible everybody else will be saved. Stop being a selfish jerk!
-Looks like I was wrong. Will’s mother’s plan is to unleash her army on the graduating class. How dare those kids be happy?!?
-The werewolves cut the video feed before Will could transform and tell the world about the werewolves. Who knew they could simply unplug the computer?
-It’s raining during the graduation ceremony, which is held outside. Why wouldn’t they just move inside?
-“Imagine finding out after eighteen years that you’re ordinary.” Burn?
-While Will and Eliana lay waste to some werewolves, the graduation speech (which consists of extraneous life lessons) plays in the background. It’s better than a bad “(Don’t Fear) the Reaper” cover.
-When did Eliana get knocked out?
-Will grabbed a wire from the elevator and is using it as a defibrillator on Eliana. What if he shocked her to death?
-Don’t worry. He saved her. Only to lose her to a werewolf. Way to go!
-Will’s name is being called at the graduation ceremony. He’s a little busy right now playing werewolf. Come back later when he’s playing cowboys and Indians. He doesn’t mind skipping that game.
-Will destroyed the elevator with a flare gun. You read that right.
-“You’re alive? How?” You never killed her, Will. Remember? That usually means she’ll still be alive.
-“It’s a cruel world!” That’s why this movie exists.
-Will shoved a silver bullet down his mother’s throat. She’s the Alpha, so it did no harm to her. That or she simply spit it out. Either one works.
-“Now I’m going to do to you what I should’ve done eighteen years ago; abort you!” BURN!
-“Why? Because your boy likes his girlfriend more than his mommy?” Not quite as good of a burn.
-Remember how memorable the transformation was in the first “Howling”? Here, they transform in a matter of seconds via terrible CGI. Ugh!
-Her werewolf attire looks like it came from the set of a “Goosebumps” episode.
-Will turned into a werewolf. Time for a battle between future cabin decorations!
-Does this battle really need to be in slow motion? Why drag this out even longer?
-Will turned back into a human. Just as his mother was about to kill him, Eliana saved him. Here’s the twist; now she’s in werewolf forms. Does this mean they’ll finally have sex, but only in werewolf form?
-Eliana was able to change back into a human by thinking of Will’s love for her. How did Will turn back?
-Why was she naked when she converted back, but not Will? Why do I care?
-There’s a song playing about the book of love. Stop torturing me!
-Our closing shot is Will carrying Eliana away and the graduating class celebrating. Oh and blood trickling on the wall and dead bodies hanging in the basement. How pleasant!
-The dead bodies are converting into werewolves. Don’t worry. Will’s setting the place ablaze. Thank God! I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.
-So that’s what the explosion was earlier; the school blowing up. Why did they show it earlier?
-Will and Eliana walked away from the burning school. Does this mean they’re going to jail?
That’s “The Howling: Reborn!” The long-awaited sequel that nobody was actually waiting for. It gets the Twilight vibe, despite constantly knocking vampires (and the franchise) at every turn. If Team Jacob made a werewolf movie, this would be the outcome. It’s a boring mess with terrible acting (though Lindsey Shaw was decent)! This is the last film you’d want to show someone when trying to get them into werewolf movies.
I’ll see you all next week as Horror-ble sequel month continues!