Welcome, one and all, to part three of Horror-ble Sequel Month of Movienalia! I induct a sequel to a film that’s very near and dear to my heart. That film being “Children of the Corn”. Why is it so special to me? I’ve grown up around cornfields since I was nine. A lousy reason, but it suffices. So imagine my shock when I found out that they were taking the third film to a dirty and dangerous city (where I originally grew up). It’s like my worlds were colliding! And not for the better.
So kick, relax, slather your corn with butter and enjoy my torture of “Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest”!
-Miramax: Distributor of fine cinema such as “Pulp Fiction”, “The Piano” and “Good Will Hunting”… and some “Children of the Corn” movies.
-*Dimension Films logo appears* That’s more appropriate.
-Do they really think these animated scythes cutting up the credits is clever and original?
-Creepy church music also isn’t clever or original.
-AHHHHHH! CORN!
-Adults still live in Gatlin? I thought it was eradicated and taken over by children. Or have those children of the corn become adults now? If so, does that mean they have to kill themselves in order to appease the Gods?
-A teen named Joshua is being chased by his father with a scythe. Never drink his last beer!
-Eli, Joshua’s much smaller brother, is going to fend off their drunk father. Did these two get their roles mixed up?
-“I’m the only one who can handle him!” In Yahtzee maybe, but not in a physical fight.
-There’s a scarecrow in the background. Can’t I just see a film about him?
-Eli left his father’s briefcase in the cornfield and ran off with what appeared to be a Bible engraved with corn. This is going to be a weird movie, isn’t it?
-Father went to pick up his briefcase and the corn started attacking him because Eli commanded it to with his mind. I don’t even need to make a joke.
-The corn is ripping his arms and legs off. This is why I don’t eat vegetables.
-The scarecrow fell over. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
-His father’s eyes and mouth have been sewn shut and he’s become a scarecrow. A better plot would be him coming back from the dead as a scarecrow to exact revenge. I didn’t say it was a good plot, but it’s better than this.
-As if the faux crucifixion wasn’t enough, we cut to close-ups of biblical statues. You know, just in case the audience didn’t grasp that this is about religion.
-Joshua and Eli have moved to the urban jungle. Where da corn, where da corn, where da corn at?
-Why are they dressed in amish gear? They were wearing normal clothes in the opening?
-The boys are noticing how different the city is from farmland. On rare exceptions do I like the “fish out of water” tale. This isn’t one of those exceptions.
-What I don’t understand is why they were shipped off to the city. I know their father died and put them in foster care, but wouldn’t they be transferred to home in the country? It’d be a better fit for them. And corn.
-Joshua was ordered to put down a very expensive antique. Looks like that’s getting broken later.
-The antique just got broken. That was quick!
-The camera panned to Eli who had a smirk on his face while ominous music played. Which means he used his telekinesis to break the glass antique. Why is he bad all of a sudden?
-Foster Dad began to freak out, but Foster Mom told him to calm down because it’s just a piece of glass. I’m sure she’d react the same way if they broke one of the vases.
-Foster Dad started dinner off by hyping up his brand new Japanese recipe… pizza. Was that a joke?
-Eli got pissed because they started eating before saying grace. Wait until he finds out that they had promiscuous sex when they were young and watch Jerry Springer.
-Foster Mom has a garden. But, this is the urban jungle. The only thing that grows there is chaos.
-Eli is angry because the social worker stated their foster parents grew corn and they don’t. The first sign a child is mentally unstable is when they have an unhealthy obsession with corn.
-“Oh, I know! I sell corn!” Never before have I heard someone say they sell corn so emphatically.
-There’s an abandoned factory next to the house. A wall was built by Foster Dad as it’s not safe. Hmm, I wonder if Eli will harvest corn there and start a new cult. Call it a hunch.
-Joshua is meeting his inner-city neighbors. Get ready for tons of amish jokes.
-“What’s with the clothes? Is that the new Amish wear?” I’m surprised Abercrombie & Fitch haven’t started an Amish clothing line. Might as well suck the money dry from another demographic.
-“What’s with your hat? Why’s it turned backwards?” Burn?
-Joshua’s foster father ordered he come home. Racism?
-Foster Mom opened Eli’s briefcase to discover dozens of beetles. It was nice of him to bring souvenirs!
-“It was going to be a surprise!” I think the surprise worked, Eli.
-“You have to be more careful! You can’t just walk up to strangers and start a conversation.” You’ll never know if they’ll hurt you by throwing down some amish insults.
-Foster Dad opened the briefcase and didn’t find any bugs, only corn. Eli’s messing with his foster mother. At least he’s bringing vegetables home, though.
-“That’s nice looking corn!” That should have been the quote on the box cover.
-Eli and Joshua are sleeping in the same bed together. The family that sleeps together… I’m not going to finish that sentence.
-Eli snuck out and crawled through a hole in the brick wall to get to the abandoned factory. Why did the father build a wall with a hole in it?
-Eli grabbed a stick of corn and shouted (in a demonic voice), “I offer this to he who walks behind the rows!” This cult is weird.
-This chant somehow caused Foster Father to forcefully make out with his wife and spit rotten corn in her mouth. What?!?
-Apparently, all you need to do to grow an entire corn field (in a factory, no less) is to offer a stick of corn to he who walks behind the rows. Why the hell are farmers working such long hours?
-Foster Mother fell into the hole where the corn was growing in the factory. Oh wait, she’s just having a nightmare. Fuck this movie!
-Foster Father wants a promotion and used the excuse of having two new mouths to feed. Now who’s fault is that?
-Foster Mother heard voices coming from Eli’s suitcase. I’ve heard of hearing voices in your head, but this is just crazy!
-The brothers are going to wear their classy clothes to school. This won’t end well.
-“I’m sure not every kid at school can afford that kind of clothing, so why should we make them feel so inadequate?” You’re going to make them feel inadequate by wearing classy farm clothes, you little prick!
-They were wise enough to send them to a catholic school. Not wise that they have to attend catholic school (they suck, in my humble opinion), but smart in the sense that they didn’t send them to an inner-city school.
-Eli gave the principal the death stare and… he took them to their classrooms. He had to use telekinetic powers to make him do that?
-They may be attending a catholic school, but the students are wearing street clothes. All of the catholic schools I’ve been to make you wear a uniform.
-Eli and Joshua are being split up, which doesn’t sit well with Eli. Watch out! He may make you grow corn and take you to his classroom. His telekinetic powers know no bounds!
-Joshua said hi and got laughed at. Nobody says hi in the urban jungle, fool!
-One of the students told Eli that he shouldn’t sit next to him because he’s afraid he’s going to suck his dick. As we all know, all farm boys suck dick.
-Eli sat down next to the student anyway. Oh snap!
-“Do you have cow shit in your ears boy?” Oh great. Another farm pun.
-Joshua and Eli stood up to the bully, he pulled a switchblade, their neighbors stood up for them, the audience fell asleep.
-The bully looks like Arsenio Hall. He’s no longer intimidating.
-Joshua is watching the boys play basketball. They don’t have this in the country, you know?
-Joshua’s female neighbor is talking to him. I swear, if they become a couple, I’m going to scream!
-“Look, what you did this morning was cool, but really stupid!” I get this same remark about my Movienalia inductions.
-“Hey, Mummy Head! Why don’t you put the Amish kid in?” This line of dialogue was actually spoken in the film. I did not make it up. The girl used Mummy Head as an insult and referred to Joshua as the Amish kid. This somehow became a Z-grade “White Men Can’t Jump” rip-off.
-Turns out Joshua is good at basketball. Who could have seen that coming?
-Eli isn’t pleased with Joshua playing basketball. It’s not in the Lord’s mission apparently.
-Joshua bailed on basketball because of his little brother staring at him. He can’t focus when the spawn of Satan gives him the stink eye.
-Eli doesn’t want Joshua to play their games. That’s racist!
-By the way, Eli growing a cornfield in the abandoned factory wasn’t a part of the foster mother’s dream. That actually happened.
-So, Eli is growing corn in an abandoned factory to wreak havoc on the non-believers and take over the world? Surely you can’t be serious!
-Foster Mother discovered the cornfield in the abandoned factory. She walked through a hole in her garden. What about the hole in the brick wall?
-She took a stick of corn and another magically appeared. I thought religion taught us that magic doesn’t exist.
-She bumped into a random homeless man in the factory. Will he claim to be the farmer?
-Foster Mother is demanding that her husband cut down the cornfield. He said no, stating that it’s an innocent hobby. He’s got a point.
-The homeless man was dining on corn and had corn stalk shoot through his eyes. No free passes, pal!
-Foster Father went to investigate the cornfield and Eli greeted him with some corn to eat. He’s a nice spawn of Satan.
-It’s not farming season and the soil is terrible, but the corn grew unharmed anyway. Magic!
-Eli left some bugs in the school cafeteria. Why? I’m thinking it’s to get the lunch lady fired and take her position with his corn. That’s right. When he was proclaiming about taking over and shunning the non-believers, he meant taking over as head chef of the cafeteria and quieting his doubters by feeding them his delicious corn. Genius!
-Joshua (now wearing “normal” clothing) sits with his neighbors at lunch while Eli eats alone. Trader!
-“Why don’t you join me? Or would you rather eat with… that?” Eli’s a racist prick!
-The principal coughed up a bug. It’s either bad cooking or the antichrist rising.
-Eating the bug gave the principal nightmares about the past “Children of the Corn” films. Note to self: never eat bugs.
-“My passage for today is from Genesis 37. Joseph dreamed a dream.” About blacks and whites living together peacefully?
-Eli got in trouble for talking during the principal’s sermon. His punishment will be eating only cafeteria food for a week.
-“Eli, does my sermon bore you?” “Yes, Father!” That remark almost made me like Eli. Almost.
-The principal is demanding that Eli come forward and do his own sermon. In what universe would that happen?
-Eli’s sermon is enchanting the students. Damn it, principal! Look what you caused.
-The principal ordered Eli to leave. Why? He’s only doing what you told him to do.
-The principal is demanding an apology. In the interest of fairness, you demanded he do the sermon.
-When referencing his sermon, Eli stated, “It comes with the soup.” This was obviously a reference to the bug in the soup incident a scene ago, but the dramatic musical tone and exasperated look on the principal’s face was way too corny (no pun intended) and hysterical to be taken seriously.
-It turns out that Eli is Joshua’s adopted brother. Why was this never brought up before?!?
-The social worker called the foster family to report she found some troubling news about Gatlin. She just now found out about all of the happenings in Gatlin? She’s horrible at her job!
-Foster Mother just missed the call. Aw, shucks! Now how can she get a hold of her? It’s not as if she could call her back.
-Eli lit a stick of corn on fire (using it as a candle), which caused the lights to go out at the social worker’s job and for him to transport there. What?!?
-She called the police, but only got gibberish from crazy cult members. The same thing happens to me every time I try to place an order at a Chik-Fil-A.
-Eli threw a fireball in her mouth and she melted. The fuck?
-When Foster Mother gave Eli a kiss on the cheek, he stuck his tongue in her ear. When did the Children of the Corn get perverted?
-Foster Father brought some of Eli’s corn into his office to sell and get a promotion. First he adopts them solely to convince them to give him a promotion (more mouths to feed and whatnot) and now he’s harvesting their corn for his profit. What a douche!
-Foster Mother is trying to cut down the corn, but it won’t cut. Due to Eli drawing a picture in class, she cut herself. This movie makes up the rules as it goes along.
-The corn stalk tripped her and the shears barely missed cutting her head.
-She was being dragged to the abyss, but broke free after her shoes fell off. Evil corn’s kryptonite is shoes. Who knew?
-She tripped on a pipe in the abandoned factory and impaled her head on another pipe, killing her instantly. The corn couldn’t get the job done, so the pipe had to step in and do it. Give the pipe the employee of the month badge.
-Eli’s picture has Foster Mother crossed off. Dun dun dun!
-We cut to the end of Foster Mother’s funeral and her husband is mourning. At least you have corn!
-The principal is having more nightmares about the past “Children of the Corn” films. I hear Siskel & Ebert shared the same nightmares.
-The principal woke up to see “The harvest is upon us” carved in his bible. God wants you to make corn is the message I’m gathering.
-Eli is holding sermons at lunch now. Because that’s how every student likes to spend their lunch; listening to sermons.
-Maria (Josh’s friend) is starting to side with Eli. Why?!?
-Joshua found the picture Eli drew and is showing it to Maria. He doesn’t want to show anybody else because they’re brothers and they don’t abandon each other. Even when murder is afoot.
-Joshua and Maria kissed. They have about as much chemistry together as Jeffrey Jones and a ten year old boy.
-“I’ve never really done this before.” “It’s simple!” You last for about thirty seconds and get your rocks off while she lies there unfulfilled. It really is quite simple!
-Maria’s brother walked in on them making out (right after she took her shirt off). At least it wasn’t Eli. That would’ve been really awkward!
-“Come on, Malcolm! Me and Maria are just friends.” Friends that screw every now and then. It’s called friends with benefits. It’s what all the cool kids are doing nowadays.
-“I just don’t want her getting involved with a family like yours. Especially with your screwed up brother!” She’s not going to get literally involved with Eli, if that’s what you’re hinting at. If it wasn’t, then I apologize for this uncomfortable moment.
-Eli has the whole school under his control. That’s right, this movie wants us to believe all of the inner city kids would spend their days listening to a child get on his soapbox. This movie has officially become unbelievable!
-“Harvest this, motherfucker!” Adding motherfucker to a sentence doesn’t make it edgy, Arsenio Hall’s stunt double. Motherfucker!
-“What are you going to do? Preach me to death?” It’s possible. Those televangelists come close to doing it a lot of times.
-The dead homeless man is rising from the cornfield and eating the bully. How much acid did the writers take?
-Eli saved the bully in return for his services. This is like a twisted version of “My Bodyguard”.
-The students are taunting the principal by whistling at him. How… weak.
-The rest of the school board are supporting Eli, as he’s gotten the kids to get off drugs and do well in school. The spawn of Satan wants to destroy this world, but also give our children a safe environment to learn.
-Malcolm is apologizing to Joshua about freaking out on him and stated that he’s not like his brother. Bros before spawns of Satan!
-Eli is pleased that his corn will be distributed to children around the world. Either the corn is going to convert them or he’s an entrepreneur.
-Joshua is confronting Eli about his father. Eli responded, “I made sure he’d never hurt you again.” I’m starting to see the appeal of this kid as the villain. His intentions are evil and he can be a jerk, but he does stuff such as saving others and being polite that make it hard not only to hate him, but for the adults to suspect him of being dangerous. It’s pretty clever, to be honest. Too bad it’s not on display in a better film.
-The principal is having another nightmare. Take some caffeine and stay up a night or two, pal.
-The principal woke up, only for Eli to attack him. Then, he woke up for real. I hate the double dream cheap scare tactic!
-Foster Mother got a package in the mail. Maybe it’s a Lifesaver.
-The principal was praying to God in the church about Eli’s demonic presence and Eli interrupted him. Speak of the devil!
-The package delivered to Foster Mother was from the social worker (who’s also dead, which kind of means that two dead people are communicating through the United States Postal Service; it’s a ghoulish version of “The Lake House”) was of a newspaper clipping. It’s dated October 17, 1964 and Eli is pictured on the cover on a story about children watching their parents being taken away. You know, because that couldn’t have been a kid that looked like Eli.
-“This can’t be him!” “It’s him alright! I know every inch of his face.” That’s kind of creepy.
-I love how Joshua says that the orphanage keeps good information on their orphans. Their information is so good that they only learn of one of the orphans’ demonic intentions after they’ve been murdered and he’s already begun wreaking havoc.
-Eli challenged the principal to give him his best shot, so he threw a book at him. Really? That was your best shot?
-Eli used his telekinetic powers to crush the principal’s legs between two pews. Now he’ll know what it’s like to have those seats do damage to his legs.
-“Pray to me, Frank!” That’s strangely kinky, which is making me feel uncomfortable.
-Eli tied up the principal on the cross and turned him upside down. Did you know this movie was about religion?
-Eli’s vulnerability is his Bible. What?!? How does that make any sense?
-“You can’t hide from God!” Does that mean he watches you masturbate?
-The angel statue came to life and attacked the principal. Did they have a little extra cash and decide to blow it on a mediocre special effect?
-In order to defeat Eli, you must destroy his Bible, which is still in Gatlin. Aw, no urban showdown?
-Maria went looking for Josh, but Eli caught her instead. Ugh!
-Foster Father signed a deal and the evil corn will be distributed worldwide. Who knew the end of the world would come via evil corn?
-Joshua and Malcolm arrived in Gatlin and there was a gag about his former home being a trashy trailer. We can’t all live in the polished hood, you know?
-Eli brought corn over to Maria’s house and fed it to her and their parents. They’re now coughing up bugs. Why does he need corn to kill people with roaches? Just get roaches.
-Eli’s got Maria under his spell and is making her his servant. I guess she is getting involved with him after all. I apologize for my earlier remarks, Malcolm.
-Josh and Malcolm are searching the entire cornfield of Gatlin for Eli’s Bible. Can we speed this up with “Yakety Sax”?
-Joshua found his father’s corpse posing as a scarecrow. It then turned into a demonic scarecrow. Now we’re talking!
-Malcolm bailed after he learned the scarecrow came to life. Can’t say I blame him.
-He bumped into the scarecrow and he and Josh double teamed it. Bros before demonic scarecrows!
-Malcolm went to grab the Bible, but the stalk impaled him. The next time someone tells me corn is good for me, I’m showing them this movie.
-Malcolm’s head is impaled on a stalk and is peering over the cornfield. I’ll give them credit. That was nifty!
-Joshua got the Bible and is driving away with it. Why not destroy it now?
-Does Joshua have to destroy the Bible in front of Eli? Is there any reasoning behind this besides the fact that they want a final confrontation?
-Foster Father arrived home, drunk off his ass. Don’t trip on any pipes.
-Eli is holding his sermon (the Harvest Moon edition) in the cornfield at the factory. Keep a look out for homeless people. They’ll steal your corn.
-Foster Father stumbled upon Eli’s sermon. He notices the crowd, the pitchforks and the fire and simply asks, “Who are your friends?” Don’t you know an angry mob when you see one?
-Eli stabbed Foster Father in the heart with a scythe. He may have signed the deal to distribute your corn, but he won’t be able to continue doing so now that he’s dead. They certainly won’t let a child take over, thus ruining your plan. Way to go, Eli!
-“I think I have to get rid of you and your bible at the same time.” What made you come to that conclusion, Josh?
-According to Joshua, Eli is like a worm. A worm has two lives. If you kill one half, the other still lives. The Bible is Eli’s second half. Therefore, Josh has to kill both. It makes sense, but I want to know what made Joshua think about worms and make the connection.
-Eli threw a fireball at Joshua and… it did nothing. Seriously?
-Eli tried throwing another fireball, only for it to bounce off of his Bible and hit him (only sending him for a loop). The Bible apparently doesn’t like being hurt. It’s much better than the traditional Bible. That thing takes more damage than a stripper at Chris Brown’s birthday party.
-The fireball effects look like they were ripped out of “Super Mario Bros.” I’m referencing the game, not the dreadful movie.
-Eli is using Maria as bait to get the book back from Joshua. What if Joshua surprised us all and said he doesn’t care about her and let her die?
-Joshua gave Eli the Bible, then stabbed him with a scythe. Well, that was easy.
-Eli evaporated and his spell was broken. Everybody’s back to normal. Except for those that worked on the special effects for the film. Their careers are tarnished.
-The bully just fist bumped Joshua. It’s nice to know that they’re cool with each other now. Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream is finally coming true.
-A beastly hand grabbed the bully and dragged him underneath the soil. I knew it couldn’t have been so simple.
-A demon (that resembles a dragon that mated with Audrey II) emerged from the ground. Does that have a Bible that acts as it’s second half too?
-A teenager just had a window pane shut on him, the glass shattering his intestines. You bring out a monster and you kill a guy with a window? Really?!?
-Why bring out the giant monster if you’re going to kill everybody with stalk, pipes and windows?!?
-Some of them are drowning in filthy water that randomly appeared. I guess the demon took a piss.
-The monster was after Joshua, so Maria stabbed it in the leg with a scythe. It went over as well Ted Danson’s routine at Whoopi Goldberg’s Roast.
-The monster ate Maria. Don’t worry, she’s still alive. We can hear her screaming inside of it. Just go with it.
-Josh is stabbing it’s leg with a scythe. That didn’t work the first time. Why would it work now?
-He didn’t defeat the monster, but he was able to free Maria from inside of it? Why was she traveling through it’s leg?
-I’m sorry! They’re cutting at the monster’s root. Which makes me beg the question; why was Maria traveling inside of the root?
-They defeated the monster by cutting off it’s root. How lame!
-We cut to a shipping dock and discover that some of the evil corn is being shipped. What a twist!
-Wait, how is Foster Father still alive?
-Putting creepy music over a close-up shot of corn is hilarious, not frightening.
That’s “Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest”! It’s urban setting and wacky tone help it stand out from other entries in the series, but it’s still lackluster. I found myself laughing more than being scared. Some of the special effects were good, while others were downright laughable. It’s not a good film, but it’ll do if you want to sit around and laugh at it with friends.
I’ll see you all next week as Horror-ble Sequel Month rolls on!
-His father’s eyes and mouth have been sewn shut and he’s become a scarecrow. A better plot would be him coming back from the dead as a scarecrow to exact revenge. I didn’t say it was a good plot, but it’s better than this.