Welcome, one and all, to part four of Horror-ble Sequel month. Zombies finally make their appearance this month in the form of “C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud”. Fine, so they’re not exactly zombies. They’re close, though. Not that it really matters what they are. The film is terrible no matter how you cut it!
So kick back, relax, grab your friends from the sewer and enjoy my torture of “C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud”!
-We open with a doctor that looks like Jeffrey Jones’ brother. Quick, hide the children!
-The lady on the intercom at the hospital snapped on one of the doctors and started swearing. Won’t someone think of the children?!?
-Bud the Chud makes his first appearance. He looks like a bulimic Frankenstein’s Monster.
-The government is talking about some Chud enzyme. Sounds like a pill to give you an erection.
-The enzyme makes people cannibalistic. I wonder if tastes good with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
-Bud has awoken and is wreaking havoc throughout the hospital. If your erection lasts longer than five hours, bite a doctor.
-They’re using fire extinguishers on Bud to freeze him. I guess the stop, drop and roll method doesn’t work on him.
-“That’s one frozen stiff!” Weird. I can’t get it up when it’s really cold.
-Bud is being transported to a government facility in Winterhaven.
-What fucking high school shows it’s students an actual cadaver?!?
-“A dead body is nothing to be afraid of!” Clearly you haven’t watched “Night of the Living Dead”.
-Oh great. One of our protagonists is a lousy Steve Guttenberg impersonator.
-Steve Guttenteen set the classroom on fire. And we’re supposed to like this idiot?
-Guttenteen and his friend are being punished (because he’s guilty by association) and are stuck after school in the science closet. Seven minutes in Heaven?
-The two stumbled upon the cadaver to be presented in class. Yes, because the school will allow a dead body to sit in their closet.
-The boys caused the cadaver to start rolling down the street simply by touching it. These are our protagonists,
-The only thing missing from this chase is “Yakety Sax”.
-Guttenteen’s solution to salvage losing the cadaver is stealing another one for class. Wouldn’t the teacher recognize that his cadaver is different?
-We cut to the teens somehow already inside of the highly secured government facility. How the hell did they break in?!?
-“You’re dead, you’re skanky! It goes with the territory.” I didn’t know death meant you became a slut.
-They’re stealing Bud and keeping him at Guttenteen’s house. And they said teens in the eighties weren’t dumb.
-Guttenteen’s parents are so entranced in their television program that they didn’t notice their son wheeling in a dead body. I wish I were watching what they are.
-They heard that Kevin came over and got excited. Way to make your own son feel worthless.
-The parents are watching a nature documentary on Alaska. It has penguins. It’s infinitely better than this.
-Guttenteen just kicked his dog down the steps. Fuck this guy!
-His little sister found her brother dragging a cadaver up the stairs. He told her that she’s having a nightmare and, if she doesn’t go back to bed, he’ll come to life and kill her. Talk about foreshadowing.
-Guttenteen’s name is actually Steve. Fantastic!
-Steve stuck the cadaver in the bathtub. Yeah, because nobody will find him there.
-Steve’s trying to calm down by blowing himself with a blow dryer. The only reason he’s doing this is so he can drop it into the tub (which, for some reason, is filled with water) and electrocute Bud back to life.
-“I wanted to take my bath before dinner dear.” As long as she doesn’t mind company.
-“Come quick honey! The penguins are mating!” Can we please just watch that documentary?
-Bud came back to life. I believe he’s freaking out not because he’s alive again, but because he’s covered in bubbles.
-Bud slipped and fell. Queue the wacky sound effects.
-“Do you realize what we have done here?” Started spinning the wheels for an insipid sequel?
-“We have discovered the secret to life, pal!” No, the government discovered it. You just stole it from them.
-Steve believes he can get an A in biology because he brought a dead guy (who he stole) back to life. He could get a jail sentence, that’s what he could get.
-Kevin is checking to see if the coast is clear. The penguins are distracting mom and dad. How I envy them.
-They took Bud into the basement. Why not hide him in your room? People go in the basement, you know.
-They’re discussing the situation at Bossy Burgers. That’s a fantastic name!
-The government has surveillance footage of the boys stealing the cadaver. Who knew it could be that simple?
-“The worst case? The body is somehow reanimated and turns on it’s captors.” Yeah, like that’ll ever happen.
-Steve is telling his girlfriend about Bud. There’s nothing a girl wants to hear more than you brought home a stiff.
-Bud escaped from he basement and is eating dog food. I was pondering how this was a comedic horror film. Now it hit me. The film’s humor is so bad it’s frightening that it made it to screen.
-Bud is now chasing the dog. Once again, “Yakety Sax” is missing.
-Bud flushed the toilet and is freaking out. The key to defeating zombies is flushing toilets.
-Bud seen his reflection and is freaking out. Wait until he finds out he’s involved in this sequel.
-The chase for the dog continues. Oh how I missed it so.
-He’s ripping pictures up and eating them. Please tell me this isn’t the high point of the humor.
-“I bet we all get some type of special achievement award for this or something!” Nice to see that Steve’s girlfriend is just as stupid as he is.
-Just catch the damn dog already!
-The toilet is overflowing. What a nice distraction from Bud.
-“Your mother looked like Humphrey Bogart!” “My mother never smoked a cigarette in her life!” That is this film’s idea of humor, folks.
-Bud finally caught up with the dog outside and devoured it. It’s about damn time!
-If Bud bites somebody, they too become a Chud. A zombie, if you will.
-Katie has a police scanner and heard that the police are after them. Why are they surprised that stealing a cadaver puts them on the police’s radar?
-Steve’s solution to the problem is to dress Bud up and take him to a television studio to bask in the glory. Doing that makes it easier for the cops to catch you, moron!
-Why would he have to dress Bud up? He’s already wearing clothes.
-The dog has come back to life as a Chud. Either things will finally start getting interesting or we’ll be treated to more lame humor. Why do I feel it’s the latter?
-“Here stiffy stiff stiff!” Really? That’s how we’re calling for the zombie?
-Get this. The kids don’t nickname the Chud Bud, but the government does. Maybe Steve has a career after High School after all.
-Bud is spying on a woman doing aerobics. Now he’s really stiff!
-Bud is doing aerobics. God damn it!
-Smoking while doing aerobics seems counterproductive.
-Bud arrived and… she’s hitting on him. Really?!?
-She seen his teeth and started screaming. Therefore, he ate her brains. What you’re telling me is that, as long as someone’s nice to him, he won’t bite them? The world’s easiest kryptonite.
-Bud attacked a drunk guy behind a bar. He was already zombie like.
-Bud stole the guy’s clothes. What?!?
-There’s a song playing called “Bud the Chud”. They actually paid a band to perform a theme song for this film. How sad!
-The teens are going to continue their search in the morning. He can cause even more damage before you find him, you buffoons!
-It’s now officially Halloween. Which means people will think Bud is wearing a costume. That’s the first (and most likely only) clever thing this movie has done.
-The Chudified dog is attacking the mailman. The undead even adhere to stereotypes.
-The little girl is watching the mailman being devoured by her dog and… doesn’t seem fazed whatsoever.
-The kids are telling their parents that the school’s plumbing broke down, so they don’t have to go. You can’t learn if you can’t take a shit.
-The government came to Steve’s house and harassed his mother. That damn government is always trying to keep the upper middle class family down!
-Why are Kevin and Katie surprised to hear that Bud is government property? They stole it from a government facility, for crying out loud!
-Bud got a haircut at the barber shop. Is this supposed to be funny?
-“How much trouble do you think we can really get in? It’s not like we kidnapped anybody, right?” You kidnapped a fucking body! That’s pretty severe!
-“You know, in my day if I would have cut school, my father would have taken me to the woodshed. You better believe it!” In your day, zombie films were actually good.
-Kevin is asking Katie to the Halloween Dance. I thought she was with Steve? Also, why are you asking her now? Talk about bad timing!
-“If I were a dead guy, where would I be?” “I don’t know. A Grateful Dead concert?” I hate these people!
-Bud is following the teens. They’re clueless idiots!
-Bud ate a fish out of a fountain. Why were they keeping what looked like salmon in a fountain?
-The barber was bitten and is now a Chud. I expect a corny joke about cutting people’s throats to occur.
-The customer is talking about how he used to be able to keep his doors unlocked and feel safe. He even mentioned how his father would leave their personal belongings outside overnight and nobody would steal them. What I want to know is why his father was leaving their personal belongings outside. Was he drunk?
-“I believe if a stranger came up to me and asked to get in his car, I wouldn’t do it. Unless he had really good candy!” Stop with the jokes!
-The customer got his throat slit. No pun though, thankfully.
-The teens are getting more food from Bossy Burgers. Did they cut a marketing deal with them?
-A group of Chuds went into Bossy Burgers. Bossy Burgers: Even Zombies Love Our Food!
-Bud is sitting in the car next to them and it took them what seemed like forever to discover this. They may actually be smarter if they become Chuds.
-“Follow that stiff!” This is what Larry King’s interns are told to do.
-It turns out the government’s experiment on Bud is illegal. This is the only way to make them the bad guys.
-Chuds are terrorizing Bossy Burgers, so Robert Vaughn blew the building up with a bazooka. Sounds reasonable.
-The Chuds survived the explosion. How?!?
-The teens found Bud in a barn. He must be thinking about his life and writing poetry.
-Bud just said Katie’s name. He has a crush on her. He had a crush on the aerobics woman too and look what happened there.
-The farmer came in and started blowing away some Chuds. If explosions won’t kill them, I highly doubt gunfire will.
-Kevin stabbed Bud with a pitchfork. You’re supposed to be his bud!
-Katie hit Bud in the crotch with the pitchfork and a bail of hay fell on them. This somehow sedated him. Seriously?!?
-The government are attacking the Chuds with flamethrowers. Since that didn’t work, they’re going to freeze them with fire extinguishers. Whatever works.
-Kevin, the “smart” one of the group, put two and two together and figured out that the cadaver they stole from the Disease Control Center may be diseased. *face palm*
-The Chud broke free from the ice. How about chopping off their heads?
-Vaughn is having an orgasm over the Chuds’ invincibility. Now he’s stiff.
-The way to defeat them is to freeze them, then shatter them. If Vaughn knew this, why didn’t he do it already?
-Vaughn shot the truck the Chuds were traveling in with a pistol and it exploded. Michael Bay even thinks this is too much.
-One of the Chuds lost it’s head. It’s still moving and simply reattached it. There goes my theory.
-“Bud the Chud” is playing again. Might as well get as much use out of that theme as possible.
-The mailman is being given an autopsy by the coroner. It ended with him being bit. Who would have guessed?
-Steve’s dog traveled the whole way to the government facility to chow down on Vaughn’s driver. Next you’re going to say that dog is going to save the day.
-Remember that “Charlie Brown” “I got a rock!” bit? They just reenacted that with some kids. Referencing the Peanuts doesn’t make this film any better.
-The Chuds were going to bite a little kid, but spared him because he’s a small fry. They’re zombies, not monsters.
-“Bitchin’ costumes!” You almost got bit, kid. That’s not the correct line to utter afterward.
-Bud read the sign for the Halloween Dance and figured that Katie would be there. Was this originally called “Chuds in Love”?
-Some of the trick or treaters have been converted to Chuds and are eating birds. Take that, Sesame Street!
-“How do we kill them?” “Who the hell knows?!?” I thought you deducted that freezing and shattering them did the trick?
-“A world full of zombies.” So, the United States of America?
-Bud tried to steal Katie. It’s apparently very easy to break into a government facility. Why am I surprised? The teens broke in earlier too and they’re dumber than Beavis & Butt-head.
-“I should have been a plumber!” If you were a plumber, you’d still have to contend with Chuds. And their droppings.
-The teens stole the government van and are going to the school dance to save the day. If they are humanity’s only hope, we’re screwed!
-The Chuds have made it to the dance. They almost didn’t make it in since they didn’t have any tickets. They eventually realized they’re Chuds and devoured the lady.
-“Let’s party!” It’s finally dawned on me. These Chuds are reminiscent of those seen in “Return of the Living Dead”. Except they’re not entertaining like those were.
-The teens shoved a pole through their Chudified professor’s head, but he’s still moving. Just throw in the towel and let the Chuds take over. It can’t be all bad. They party, after all.
-They froze their teacher, then Kevin blew it up via electricity. It took them long enough to figure out how to defeat the Chuds after already being told how to do so!
-Katie is going to use herself as bait for the Chuds so Steve and Kevin can finish them. Your really trusting your life in their hands? That’s about as wise as stealing a cadaver from a government facility. Oh, wait…
-Katie using herself as bait was a cheap excuse to get her in a bathing suit. Not that I’m complaining.
-“Katie!” “Yum! Yum! Yum!” Alright, that made me chuckle.
-Kevin came to the conclusion that Chuds are arrived of the dark. What?!?
-The Chuds went into the pool after Katie. I wonder if the aerobics lady will start a water aerobics class.
-Why is Katie finding it so hard to get out of the pool? Climb out! Even the Chuds know how to do that.
-Kevin froze the pool, thus sticking the Chuds in there. It’s about time he started utilizing his smarts.
-Bud broke free from the ice and the other Chuds are melting. Why didn’t they electrify them immediately? So much for Kevin’s intelligence.
-Katie’s bright idea to get away from Bud was to climb on top of the diving board where he can easily corner her. Why not run to the other side of the room?
-Bud just pulled out his heart and gave it to Katie. How sweet!
-Bud got frozen again and fell to his shattering death. The other Chuds were exploded via electricity. It shouldn’t have taken them this long to do this.
-Bud’s head is still speaking. Son of a bitch!
-Steve crushed Bud’s head in with a shovel. That’s the first thing he’s done in this film that I liked.
-“This was all my fault!” You got that right, Steve!
-“Why do I feel a song coming on here?” “Bud the Chud” is going to play again? Oh come on!
-“Bud the Chud” isn’t playing. Hooray!
-Steve is off to see the world so he doesn’t cause his friends any more harm. Where is he getting the money to travel the world?
-Steve said Kevin and Katie make an outrageous couple. That’s high praise if I’ve ever heard it.
-Steve hitched a ride with Robert Vaugh, who’s undercover as a Chud. He knows it’s over, right?
-The female driver converted Steve into a Chud. A third “C.H.U.D.” movie? Dear god no!
-“Bud the Chud” is playing over the credits. I guess I can’t complain as I can turn it off now.
That’s “C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud”! I’ve always heard how terrible the first was, but thought it was actually pretty good. This sequel, on the other hand, is hot garbage! It tries so hard to be “Return of the Living Dead” and fails miserably. One minor chuckle a good movie doesn’t make. When people compile lists of the worst sequels, this has to be on it. No questions asked.
I’ll see you all next week as Horror-ble Sequel Month concludes!
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