Welcome, one and all, to part two of Horror-ble Sequel Month! Last week, we witnessed “The Howling” get reborn for the “Twilight” crowd. This week, we see the “Amityville Horror” series get converted for the “Antiques Roadshow” crowd. The fourth installment of the franchise is dubbed “The Evil Escapes” and it revolves around a lamp from the Amityville house being possessed and overtaking a home in California. You read that right.
So kick back, relax, turn off the lights and enjoy my torture of “Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes”!
-It’s just now occurred to me that the Amityville house appears to be making a grumpy face. This should add to the terror, but it’s making me laugh uncontrollably.
-This is based on a book? There’s actually a book about a demonic lamp? And they say reading is good for you.
-A group of priests are spreading holy water throughout the Amityville house. You know, because that’s worked in the past.
-Why did nobody call an exterminator about the flies in the bathroom? I don’t think that has anything to do with the evil spirit. It’s possible that’s the reason it’s so angry. A bug invasion would set off any ghost.
-The house through a chair at a priest. ECW! ECW! ECW!
-One of the priests discovered the demonic lamp. It looks like it came from the Wicked Witch of the West’s lair.
-How much can a possessed lamp do? Oh no, it’s going to turn on and off randomly!
-Demonic eyes appeared in the lamp and knocked the priest back against the wall, apparently killing him. Forget the exterminator. Call an electrician!
-The priest is in the hospital on his death bed. That had to be hard to explain to the doctors. “He get knocked unconscious by a demonic lamp! Why are you looking at me like that?”
-The Amityville house is having a yard sale. Who exactly is sponsoring this yard sale?
-Our main priest has announced that the evil is gone. It exasperated all of it’s energy possessing a lamp and murdering a priest. What a way to go!
-“The house would not allow me to stand here if it weren’t otherwise.” It’s the middle of the day in a random room. I’m sure the house would allow you to stand there without murdering you. It’s done so for the past three films.
-“I just feel it in my bones. He’s quit the house.” This house has murdered people. I don’t think we want to rule it safe because you “feel it in your bones”.
-“This is so much junk, Helen! We’re wasting a perfectly good day!” You can say that again!
-“This is ugly!” “That’s why it’s perfect!” Someday, a woman is going to say this to me and make me the happiest ugly person on the planet.
-The lamp is selling for a hundred dollars?!? Who sells a lamp at a yard sale for a hundred dollars?!?
-Helen is going to buy the lamp as a gag gift for her sister. I hope you tell this story at her funeral.
-Helen cut herself on the lamp. That damn demonic lamp! Giving people a knick on the hand. When will the terror stop?!?
-Helen’s finger is bruised all over and looks infected. Don’t let a demonic lamp give you a cut. You may just lose your finger.
-“That’s a nasty looking finger, lady!” What a rude thing to say, delivery man!
-The lamp has been relocated to Dancott, California. Too bad it’s not going to Los Angeles. The Amityville demon could finally live out it’s dream and become a star!
-“Wow, look at this! It’s like living in the country!” “It is living in the country!” Way to be stupid, kid!
-“It’s probably five miles from school?” Why is the teenage daughter complaining about this? Such an odd complaint.
-Who moves into a house without their belongings arriving for another week? They couldn’t set the delivery up on the moving date?
-The youngest daughter, Jessica, wallows around with her doll. This is “Amityville: The Evil Escapes”, not “Amityville: Dollhouse”. Get it right, little girl!
-“What did you order, mother?” “I didn’t order anything dear. I’m sure it’s another practical joke from my sister.” A joke so funny it’ll kill you.
-The grandmother just owned her daughter. When the son runs up and fawns over her bird, she said, “I got him after the last time you were here, which was two years ago.” She then gave her daughter a death stare. You’re living with your mother again, Nancy. Get ready for Hell!
-“Open your present grandma!” This little girl is a demanding little runt!
-“Mother, it’s as ugly as sin!” This is why the Amityville demon haunts people. It gets it’s feelings hurt like that and exacts revenge. Way to go, Nancy!
-The lamp is freaking the bird and cat out. When animals don’t like a lamp, that means you get rid of it. After all, they’re expert critics in the field.
-“It does seem a shame that Frank would leave you in such a state.” How dare he die on you?!? What a prick!
-“The man dropped dead at forty-two. Do you think he planned it?” You never know. Maybe you weren’t putting out enough and he decided to cut his losses.
-“Can we just get past the twenty year arguments please?” No. These soap opera arguments are the bread and butter of the “Amityville” films. That’s why people come to see these.
-“I have a daughter that talks as if her father is still alive. That’s a problem!” She’s a young child. Children don’t know how to cope with death, hence why some block it out. Send her to a therapist who will slowly help her learn to cope with the loss. There you go. Problem solved! No demonic lamp was needed in my scenario.
-“She’s an eleven year old acting like a five year old!” She’s eleven?!? She looks like she’s seven, eight tops.
-The lamp is turning on and off by itself. The horror begins.
-The demon in the lamp transferred through the electrical chord and is now inhabiting all of the appliances in the house. The demon’s first act is to turn on the radio. All it wanted was some music. All of the horror from the past three films could have been avoided with some music.
-Grandma burned her hand on the tea pot. How the hell was that caused by the demon?!?
-“How could that happen?” It’s very simple, Nancy. The tea pot grew too hot and burned your mother’s hand. It’s not rocket science.
-Nancy seen her dead husband’s reflection in the mirror, but turned around and noticed he wasn’t there. Is the demon manifesting itself in the form of her husband or is she going crazy? The tension rolls on.
-Jessica is sleeping with her mother tonight because she’s scared. Her mother begrudgingly obliges, as ashe feels an eleven year old should be able to sleep alone. I’m starting to think Nancy’s grieving has confused her. Jessica can’t be older than eight.
-Jessica left her mother’s room and is talking to the lamp downstairs. Now I’ll side with Nancy. This girl is crazy.
-“Daddy was here!” His second life is in the form of a lamp, mommy!
-Two flies appeared on the lamp. Does this demon have an odor problem?
-Jessica is freaking out her older sister by stating she seen their father. I can understand the grieving process is still in effect and hearing such things can be bothersome, but the adults should be able to handle a precocious little girl’s wild imagination.
-Grandma’s friend hates the lamp. No wonder this demon is so angry. He has no friends.
-The lamp is turning on and off again. Does this demon have no heart?
-Brian found the bird dead in the oven. Either the demon somehow transported the bird into the oven or it committed suicide. Maybe it was related to the bird from “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge”.
-“I get the feeling that grandma thinks what happened today was our fault.” “How can you say that?” Very easily. You guys move in and her bird winds up cooked in the oven the next day. I’d be suspicious of your family, too.
-“She’s upset, Jessica! Just like your upset with your first day at a new school.” Yes, because the death of your pet bird and the first day of school elicit the same emotions.
-“You’ll knock them dead, sweetheart!” Bad choice of words.
-The dead bird is making Brian reminisce about his father. That’s… kind of odd.
-“How could I have made such an awful mistake?” This is what the producers must have thought when this was released.
-“I’ve lived alone so long I don’t know if I can handle all of this commotion.” Move Nancy and her children outside into tents. Problem solved.
-The priest from earlier survived his encounter with the demonic lamp. World’s strangest battle scar.
-“I blame myself for this!” I blame you too, Father.
-We finally found out who commissioned the yard sale earlier. It was the detective. I didn’t know he had that kind of power.
-Who keeps records of a yard sale? Talk about a plot convenience!
-The two priests are getting Grandma’s sister’s address from the local police. Why the cops aren’t suspicious of someone asking for a woman’s address is beyond me.
-“A dozen years ago, evil was simply a concept in my mind.” Now it’s a lamp. There’s something wrong with me.
-“Now, I believe that the evil in that house could transmigrate into that lamp.” They had to know how hysterical that line is when they wrote it.
-The demon can transmigrate into another person. That’s a helluva lot more frightening than possessing a lamp!
-Brian grabbed the chainsaw and the demon turned it on. Now, he’s running around the basement sawing things in half. Cue up “Yakety Sax”.
-Grandma’s friend stopped the chainsaw by making it saw through a pipe. If only the victims in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” knew to do this.
-Grandma believes Brian started the chainsaw and went crazy. Can’t say I blame her.
-“A mistake is human but a lie is the devil’s work.” That damn devil! Always lying and sending his minions to possess lamps.
-“Brian doesn’t lie!” Except for those times when he does lie.
-Is the lamp inching closer to Nancy? Is it going to stab her?
-Amanda feels like Grandma thinks she’s an intruder, which Nancy admits makes sense. She then stated, “Despite all of that, she really does love us.” Well, except for Brian. He used her basement as his audition for Leatherface.
-Grandma’s sister is in the hospital. I swear if that cut kills her…
-The young priest is making his way to California to fight the evil lamp. I never thought I’d write that sentence in my life.
-Whenever somebody calls the house, the demon hangs up on them. How rude!
-You’re telling me that the electrician looking at the malfunctioning appliances is a teenager? Where did he get his experience, in woodshop?
-They’re moving the lamp into the attic. Now it can turn on and off by itself in peace.
-The demon nearly turned the garbage disposal on Amanda, but the cute electrician saved her. Romance is in the air. As is evil, but that’s not as lovely.
-The demon turned the garbage disposal on the electrician instead. If it wasn’t for Amanda, his hand never would have been in there. I always said women are nothing but trouble.
-“How can machines turn on by themselves?” Skynet.
-The young priest’s name is Father Kibbler? Bwahahahaha!
-Grandma’s sister finally awoke only for her to die after repenting her sins to Father Kibbler. You’re causing nothing but trouble, Kibbler!
-Father Kibbler hopes the lamp is sitting in a warehouse instead of Grandma’s house. Wouldn’t it cause damage at a warehouse, too? Or do you not care about warehouse workers?
-Father Kibbler called Grandma’s house again, but nobody answered. The demon called back immediately and demanded the priest stay away. It then melted the phone. He should have called collect.
-Nancy found Jessica talking to the lamp in the attic. Take her to a therapist already!
-Jessica just slapped her mother. Lamps are serious business!
-Amanda is investigating the lamp. She noticed it was never plugged in. She never knew it was on, so I don’t know why she’s investigating.
-“I want her seen by a psychiatrist.” It’s about damn time!
-Grandma just said that she’ll call her doctor and have him decide if Jessica needs to see a psychiatrist. You don’t need to be a doctor to know that an eleven year old thinking a lamp is her father needs psychiatric help.
-“I pray this will turn out to be a wasted trip.” Your phone just melted due to a demonic spirit, Father. This isn’t going to be a wasted trip.
-“Go with God.” If not him, then Buddha. As long as you go with somebody.
-The person investigating the faulty disposal switch came to the conclusion that the electrician had the disposal turned to on when messing with it. Wouldn’t it have been on the whole time then?
-Father Kibbler’s telegram arrived at Grandma’s house, but Brian lost it. Damn it, Brian! First, you demolish the basement with a chainsaw. Now, you’re losing Grandma’s nail. What’s next? Are you going to accidentally poison her oatmeal?
-The doctor came to the conclusion that Jessica’s delusion is the result of grieving, moving and her illness. Does that mean I’m allowed to slap my mother the next time I lose someone and move away while sick?
-Amanda just brushed her teeth with black water. Hillbilly toothpaste!
-“Has someone been fooling with the water pipes?” As we all know, you can fool with the water pipes enough to turn the water black. It has nothing to do with the town’s water supply.
-The water is clearing up. I guess the demon got bored with turning the water into black goop.
-I understand your mother accusing your family of causing trouble in her house is troubling, Nancy, but she has a reason to think so. You guys move in and her house goes to Hell (literally, actually). Not only that, but she’s your mother and allowing you to live with her due to your husband’s death and you not having a job that can financially support your family. She has a right to accuse you of causing trouble. She also has a right to kick your asses out. So watch your tone, young lady!
-The plumber went down into the basement to look at the pipes. Beware of the chainsaw!
-Grandma’s friend turned on the washer while the plumber was in the basement messing with the pipes. Why would you turn it on at that time?
-Ah, she turned it on so she couldn’t hear the plumber’s screaming when a plank of wood trapped him underneath the pipe, which would drown him in black goop and the electrician’s missing hand. Good thing on the demon’s part that she planned that perfectly.
-The demon made the plumber’s van drive away. How the fuck is that possible?!? I thought it could only transmigrate to the appliances in the house.
-Grandma’s friend went into Jessica’s room to find it trashed. It must be her time of the month.
-Jessica is in the attic talking to the lamp. Is the demon’s plan to possess her or become friends with her?
-I must correct myself. Jessica’s laughter was heard from the attic, but that was the demon’s way of tricking Grandma’s friend to come up. It then locked her in and strangled her with the lamp’s chord. That’s a bit deadlier than randomly turning on and off.
-Father Kibbler has finally arrived to Grandma’s house! And now he’s running away scared. You son of a bitch!
-That’s right. Puke your guts out, you chicken shit!
-He’s now taking notes. They must read, “The house is scary, so I ran away”.
-“What we’re doing is the best that I can do! And if that means putting up with a cranky grandmother, then that’s what you have to do.” What about possessed lamps? Where do they fit into this equation?
-Father Kibbler left a note in the mailbox. He wants them to meet him at a hotel. You can’t fight the demon from a hotel, you pussy!
-Jessica drew a picture of somebody being murdered. She’s a young slasher.
-Jessica said that Grandma’s friend went home. And by home, she means her permanent home in the graveyard.
-Jessica gave her mother an evil smile. Oh snap!
-Nancy found her daughter’s room trashed. Maybe now the doctor will think she needs a psychiatrist.
-“Go call the police!” How did we jump to that conclusion? The drawings on the wall and Jessica’s attitude point to this being her work, not an intruder’s.
-“Mom, if you say Jessica’s responsible for this, I will hit you!” To be fair, all signs point to her. She’s talking to lamps, she slapped you and she just gave you an evil smile. It’s time to face the facts, lady!
-“She went home.” “Peggy didn’t go home! Her coat is still in the closet.” She can’t leave without wearing a coat?
-“Who told you she went home?” “Daddy!” That rat bastard!
-Brian found Peggy’s body in the attic. First the bird and now her friend. Brian’s good at finding Grandma’s dead loved ones.
-The cops are suspecting that Jessica trashed her room. Before anybody accuses them of being cruel, look at the facts. We may know that it’s the demon, but to an average person, everything points to Jessica. Life can be cruel sometimes, but we must face reality.
-The coroner ruled Peggy’s death as a heart attack. How do you explain the strangulation? Did her heart attack cause her to choke herself?
-“I’ll do an autopsy, but I’ll bet money on a heart attack.” You’re going to poorer shortly, doc.
-“She thought Peggy went home.” “And what made her think that?” How about the fact that Peggy went missing from the house. I know I’ve spent the better part of this viewing accusing Jessica (in the realistic sense; I know it’s the demon), but even I have to come to her rescue here. It’s not hard to understand how she thought Peggy left.
-Nancy is going to contact Father Kibbler. You may have to chase him, though.
-Nancy is leaving her children behind while she goes to see Father Kibbler. Why not take them with you?
-Jessica is humming creepily. This is why you don’t have children, folks. They may be possessed by a demon someday. Do you really want to go through that hassle?
-Grandma took the attic key from Brian. What if the twist is the lamp isn’t possessed and Grandma went on a murdering spree?
-Nancy is meeting Father Kibbler at a fancy restaurant. I could have sworn he said hotel. Then again, this is California. Their hotels may be nicer than mine. Damn rich people!
-Did the director just insinuate that the candle’s flame sparking intensely was the cause of the demon traveling to the restaurant with Nancy? Are you freaking kidding me?!?
-Father Kibbler is explaining everything to Nancy. This should be good.
-“This all seems so crazy!” I know, right?
-“My daughter Jessica, she terrifies me!” She’s only eleven, yet she’s already rebelling. I blame that damn pop music! It’s the devil’s work!
-“That is the devil’s disguise. He’ll appear in the most seductive appearance necessary to get what he wants.” So, if promiscuity is a sin, does that mean he’s disguising himself as a hooker? Damn you, devil!
-The lamp has turned on again. Shit’s about to get real.
-The cat is still alive? I could have sworn the demon offed it like the bird.
-Amanda opened the window to help the cat back into the house, but the demon shut it on her. I always knew cats were evil.
-“It knows that I’m coming. I can feel it.” Stop being such a coward, Father Kibbler!
-Nancy, I understand your frightened, but insulting the priest’s methods for taking out the demon the last time isn’t the smartest thing to do. He could bail on you. Which is what I’m expecting him to do.
-Did Father Kibbler just say his new tactic is holy water? You used that last time, you buffoon!
-Jessica is freaking out and attacking her siblings to get to Father Lamp. Yes, that’s my new nickname for the demon.
-Father Kibbler has entered the house and is locked in. No running away this time!
-Jessica is locked in the attic. Will Father Lamp finally kill her or just cause more harm? He never really seems to harm the main cast of characters in any of his films. Like I said, I think he just wants friends.
-Black goop is seeping from the attic door. Maybe this means Jessica is stabbing the lamp.
-Wait a minute. Father Kibbler had to break a window in order for Amanda to get out of the house due to the demon locking them in. When she got outside, Brian was waiting for her. How did he get out of the house?
-Father Kibbler is axing down the attic door. “Here’s Kibbler!” doesn’t have a good ring to it.
-“Bless this house and all that are in it.” Except for Father Lamp. That dude’s a prick!
-Jessica just flew across the attic and stabbed Father Kibbler in the arm. Why not go for the heart? This demon sucks!
-Grandma just saw the demonic eyes in the lamp. It probably reminded her of her ex husband.
-Father Kibbler is now being wrapped up by the lamp’s chord… by the arm. Why not go for the neck? It’s as if the demon wants to be defeated.
-Father Lamp tried to prey on Nancy’s emotions by impersonating her husband, but she seen through it and called the demon out on his bluff. This pissed him off mightily! How so? His whole face appeared in the lamp. Oh snap!
-Grandma defeated the demon by dousing the lamp in holy water while shouting, “Leave us alone, you son of a bitch!” and chucking it out the window (after cutting Father Kibbler loose). She just did his job for him You suck, Kibbler!
-So, all they had to do was destroy the lamp? How pathetic!
-Jessica is back to normal. Hooray! Wait a few years and she’ll act like this again. This time it’ll be because of raging hormones, though.
-“We’ll never forget you, Father!” Though you really didn’t do anything except constantly run away. Grandma took out the demon. We kind of hope we could forget you.
-The cat found the remains of the lamp and is now possessed. Oh come on!
That’s “Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes”! A film that was intended to be scary, but is one of the most unintentionally hilarious films ever! The only reason to watch this atrocity is if you have a bunch of friends over and want to laugh at the mediocrity. Other than that, do yourself a favor and rewatch the first one. Better yet, watch an episode of “Sesame Street”. I’m sure you’ll find more scares there than here.
I’ll see you all next week as Horror-ble Sequel Month rolls on!