It’s finally come folks, my favorite month of the year, October.
This list is scary, but not Boy George scary.
In honor of the most badass 31 days on the calendar, for the whole month I’m going to dedicate Classic Cuts to the most sinister, scary, and generally shocking artists to ever grace my eardrums.
To be completely forthcoming, I also feel like my balls have been cut off and placed in a jar on my bedside table from all the emo reviews I’ve been doing lately, so this is my first step in getting them back. LET’S GET TESTEE PEOPLE!
This week, we are looking at the top 10 scariest bands of all time. No I’m not talking about Culture Club scary. I’m talking real, bloodcurdling horror; all hail the dark lord type stuff. You know, bands that would be on Anton LaVey’s iPod if Steve Jobs was for some reason sent to the fiery deep.
10. KISS
Why they are scary:
OK, so KISS really isn’t that horrifying anymore. They are kind like the old Universal monsters that were once truly terrifying, but
Watch my shitty television show! OR ELSE!
now are just sitting at the old monster’s home, sipping on Tru Blood, reminiscing about the young virginal teenagers they dismembered back in the day.
In their heyday though, KISS were shocking, pissing off scared Christian mothers around the country being deemed as “Knights in Satan’s Service” (not what KISS stands for, by the way.)
Yet, can you really blame these women? I mean, when Gene Simmons puts his demon makeup on, spits fire, and has pouring blood from his mouth all over his war-axe bass, how do you not get the feeling that there is something heinous going on here?
Sure, the music was never intrinsically horrific, but their look was definitely evil.
Creepiest cut: “God of Thunder”
9. The Misfits
Why they are scary:
Punk has never been all that scary unless you are the Queen of England, a disco fan, or a Nazi skinhead douche. The Misfits, however, made it abundantly clear that this was all going to change. With their horror story lyrics and general demonic look, Glenn Danzig and the boys created a whole new sect in the punk scene (Horror Punk) and became legends in the process. Their scariest song has to be, “Halloween II” just for the fact that the whole thing is in Latin (a dead language), which always carries this creepy archaic undertone when you hear it.
Creepiest cuts: “Halloween,” “Halloween 2,”
8. Marylin Manson
Exactly.
Why he is scary:
When Marilyn Manson started covering The Eurythmics and The Human League, he definitely lost a lot of his credibility in hell (I talked to Satan, he said it, not me.) But before all of that nonsense, Manson was the poster child for all things wrong in America. His videos were like mini horror films and to be honest, his look scared the shit out of me when I was 10.
I mean, people were so afraid of guy that they even blamed a school shooting on him. I don’t know what’s more spine chilling, Marilyn Manson or America’s reaction to him.
Side note: didn’t this guy have boobies at one point? That’s really scary.
Creepiest cut: “Disposable Teens”
7. Ghost
Why they are scary:
Although this is a relatively new band, their creepiness knows no bounds. In 2010, lead singer, Papa Emeritus and his Nameless Ghouls (that’s not just me making that up; that’s what they go by) released, “Opus Eponymous,” a love letter to their number one guy, Beelzebub (which coincidently is also my favorite pet-name for the man downstairs.) Even though their music isn’t all that heavy, the lyrics are riddled with satanic references and the soft tone of Papa Emeritus’ voice almost makes it more creepy than if they were a straight up metal-in-your-face type band. Additionally, the satanic priest’s costumes and theatrical antics on stage give them a throwback feeling to the metal days of yesteryear, where a kick-ass stage show was God (or Satan in this case.)
Creepiest cut: “Elizabeth” “Death Knell”
6. Cannibal Corpse/Slayer
Why they are scary:
Alright, I know these bands aren’t the same. In fact, they are completely different, but to me their scary levels are about equal (Also, I didn’t want to make a “Top 11 Scariest Bands” list because that’s dumb and they both deserved to be on here, so just drop it people!). I mean, Cannibal Corpse’s lyrical content goes above and beyond traumatizing and is more generally grotesque than anything Slayer has written (you couldn’t out-gross “Entrails Ripped From A Virgin’s Cunt” if you tried.) But that calculated chaos that Slayer’s sound inhibits really gives them that “elevator music to hell” vibe that can’t be topped. Either way, both these bands have been scaring the piss out of people for decades and even in their old age (they aren’t OLD per say, but they are getting up there) they show no signs of slowing down.
Creepiest cut: (Cannibal Corpse:) “Hammer-Smashed Face,” “I Cum Blood,” “Entrails Ripped From A Virgin’s Cunt,”
(Slayer:) “God Hates Us All,” “South of Heaven,” “Raining Blood”
Revelations.
5. Slipknot
Why they are scary:
Nine dudes in masks (with numbers for names, by the way) running around screaming, banging on drums and playing some deranged version of homegrown Iowan metal. What’s not alarming about that?
Creepiest cuts: “People = Shit,” “Wait and Bleed”
Wait, how'd we get in this field?
4. King Diamond/Mercyful Fate
Why they are scary:
He is the precursor to a band like Ghost (who in my humble opinion is a better version of Mercyful Fate, but that’s neither here nor there) with his satanic themes and stage presence, but the best part about King Diamond is his vocals. He hits notes I didn’t even know existed. Some of the notes he displays on songs like “Melissa” or “Evil” hit eardrum-shattering heights. I would say his vocal range reaches to the heavens but I’m afraid of King Diamond’s more demonic connections, so I’m not trying to ruffle any feathers. But you catch my drift.
Creepiest cuts: “Evil,” “Melissa”
3. Alice Cooper
Why he is scary:
Without Alice Cooper, there would be no Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie, or even Slipknot. In the 70s, Cooper used what bands like KISS were doing taking it one-step further, adding an element of horror and even a little vaudeville to his unique and unmatched stage show (this guy would cut off his own head during his shows; can you think of something more eerie?) Though over the years we have found out through interviews and his incomparable love for golf (which he’s pretty damn good at) that Cooper seems to be a normal, nice guy (he’s definitely Mr. Nice Guy) in his mid-60s, I had a chance to see him this summer and his stage show is still unparalleled in the heavy metal scene.
Creepiest cuts: “Black Widow,” “Welcome to My Nightmare”
2. Black Sabbath
This needed to be said
Why they are scary:
If you listen to Sabbath records now, they really aren’t that hair-raising. Hell, some people (pimple-faced teenagers who think they know everything about Metal) don’t even consider them to be Metal anymore but Classic Rock. But really, think about what “Black Sabbath” sounded like when it first came out. It was the age of free love and the hippie-bullshit subculture reigned supreme. So next time you hear those three devil’s chords ring through Iommi’s guitar and Ozzy’s wretched howls, keep in mind that no one (I repeat, NO ONE) was making music that dark and twisty at the time. These guys weren’t just out there to freak out the hippies and beatniks, but to freak out everyone.
Creepiest Cut: “Black Sabbath”
1. Norwegian Black Metal Bands:
Why they are scary:
Seriously, it’d probably be easier (and shorter) to say why these guys aren’t fucking appalling. From burning churches to killing their band mates, these Norwegians definitely take the cake for being the most committed to their craft. But for time’s sake (and my sanity) I’m just going to talk about one of them (because this whole post could have been about these crazy dudes.)
Mayhem is probably the most well-known of the black-metal bands out of Norway and it’s not for their music. I mean, really, does the fun ever stop with these guys?
When their lead singer ‘Dead’ slit his wrists and shot himself in the head with a shotgun, his band mate Euronymous was the first to find him. But what does he do, he calls the police right? His FRIEND IS DEAD!!
Nope, he gets a disposable camera, rearranges the body and takes pictures of ‘Dead’ being, well, dead. If that wasn’t enough, there is a rumor (which many have confirmed) that Euronymous used ‘Dead’s’ brain to make a stew and his skull fragments to make a necklace (at least he’s innovative right?)
If that wasn’t enough drama, two years later, new member Varg Vikernes, killed Euronymous in his apartment by stabbing him 23 times. No one knows why he did it. Some say it was because he wanted to be more “evil” than Euronymous. Vikernes stated he did it because Euronymous planned on killing him and making a snuff film out of it. Either way, Vikernes went to jail, and Mayhem definitely lived up to their name.
Creepiest Cut: “The Freezing Moon”
BRIAN WAS TOO EVIL.