(Not So) Classic Cuts: Top Ten Songs Ruined by Drunks

 

Drunk people have ruined a lot of things for me in my 23 years.

I’m talking to you, overzealous asshole trying to get our section to start “the wave” at baseball games. Or guy stumbling into the seat next to me at a concert, wanting to high-five after every song. How about the drunken lingerer? You know, the guy who bumbles his way into a conversation then sits there when it’s done, relishing in his drunken stupor and oblivious to his own stupidity.

The fact of the matter is, the alcohol-influenced community has been annoying me since I’ve been old enough to realize that being drunk in public is a terrible idea (sidenote: this includes me. One time at a bar, I participated in a full-table sing-along of, “With Arms Wide Open,” by Creed. Even ironically, I realize that’s not okay. But we all make mistakes. I’m a terrible person but please keep reading anyway.)

Yet, as I look back at all the times a drunk has ruined my night, I find that the worst transgression you can drunkenly commit is choosing a song from a jukebox.

Here is a list of songs that are prime examples of what I’m talking about and may even raise the question: Was prohibition really such a bad idea?

10. “Closing Time” – Semisonic

Someone always has to be “that guy.” Its 2 a.m. and the bar employees are screaming about last call. Then, almost like clockwork, “that guy” stumbles up to the jukebox while yelling to his friends, “Hey guys, you know what time it is?”

Well, “that guy,” I say yes, we all know what time it is. It’s time for you to play one of the worst one-hit wonder songs from the 90s and wait, let me guess? Sing every damn word of it too? What’s most unfortunate about this situation is that I won’t be able to drown away your foolishness with anymore booze.

9. “Party Rock Anthem” – LMFAO

I get it. People like to dance when they are wasted. But is it really necessary to play LMFAO? Hey Mr. DJ, can’t we pick something that isn’t on a fucking M&M commercial?  How about a little, “What is Love?” Hell, I’d even take some Cher over this.

Plus, has anyone else actually seen these dudes? These guys are not sexy, even though they’ve convinced themselves otherwise. They look like the offspring of an 80’s Bret Michaels and Sideshow Bob, for Christ’s sake.

Furthermore, their music is just downright awful, which, duh. That really goes without saying. I mean, no amount of drinks could make it tolerable, let alone good. So next time you’re on the dance floor and you start singing along to LMFAO, just remember, they aren’t sexy and neither are you.

8. “Pour Some Sugar on Me” – Def Leppard

Def Leppard used to be great band (I may have just lost all credibility here but bear with me) and “High and Dry” was one of the best party rock records of all time. But as Joe Elliot’s mullet grew thicker, things seemed to progressively get worse. This terrible snowball culminated in their 1987 hit, “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”

Nowadays, this song is usually played by that one creepy old dude at the bar, trying to relive his glory days by squeezing himself into his “Molly Hatchet” t-shirt and trying to pick up the drunkest 20-something he can find.

I salute you for your effort Creepy Old Guy, especially with the feat of shimmying your lumpy body in that 25-year-old shirt, but please don’t make us all suffer through the mid-life crisis with you.

7.  “Jack and Diane” –John Cougar Mellencamp 

This is a song I grew up on. My mom is still in love with John Mellencamp, and subsequently, will probably be pissed when she reads this. But guess what MOM? It’s not my fault.

Be angry at the drunken frat boys. See, being from a “small town” is cool now. In addition to that, I feel like they really connect with what Mellencamp is saying here: “Oh yeah, life goes on/ Long after the thrill of living is gone.” Their life has already lost its thrill, but they go on living, doing keg-stands and being a general annoyance to society.

It almost makes me want to let them have this one. Unfortunately, almost doesn’t count.

6. “Come Sail Away” – Styx

I don’t like Styx when I’m sober. So when I’m at a bar and a group of inebriated chuckleheads play this song, you may as well be water-boarding me.

Honestly, if you ever need to get information out of me, lock me in a room with a group of drunken “sorostitutes”and put this song on repeat. I’ll tell you everything you need to know and then some.

I can only hope that one day Dennis DeYoung will actually sail away, taking every single one of his fans with him.

5.  Anything “new” country

I know this is broad, but in reality, I could have made this whole list on what’s popular in country music right now.

For some reason, rich men and women from the suburbs have connected with this “new” aesthetic of being a country bumpkin. Guess what guys? I don’t think those Sperry’s or plaid pants would hold up well out in the Styx (ha! See what I did there?).

But that’s fine, go ahead and pretend that you guys are “country” and play your terrible songs all night long. I’ll just fill up my “Red Solo Cup” get on my “Big Green Tractor” and run over your “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk’s” with it. HOW SEXY IS MY TRACTOR NOW?

4. “Bohemian Rhapsody” – Queen

This is the one song on the list that actually saddens me. It’s probably one of the most inventive and interesting pop songs ever created. But just like everything else that is well done and easily accessible to the masses, it’s been ruined forever.

Yes, it was hilarious in “Wayne’s World” when the loaded dude in backseat was singing along, trying not to puke. But unintentionally reenacting that scene when you are next to me at the bar is not cool, bro.

3. “Margaritaville” – Jimmy Buffet

Jimmy Buffet was right about one thing. Some people have claimed that there was a woman to blame, but it really is “his own damn fault” that he ever recorded this song.

I mean, reallypeople? Jimmy Buffet is music for people who don’t like music! He’s like tofu with a guitar. So please, if you’re going to be “Wastin’ away in Margaritaville,” do it on your own time and not while I’m at the bar.

2. “Piano Man” – Billy Joel

Billy Joel has changed listening to music in a bar forever. “Piano Man” is what drunken sing-a-longs are made of. He made it okay for a bunch of booze consuming idiots to get together and scream this song at the top of their lungs at the end of the night.

News flash Billy, it’s not okay!

While people are asking you to “Sing us a song,” I’m begging you to not. Hell, I’ll even pay you to go away and take your stupid piano with you.

1. “Don’t Stop Believin’” – Journey

“A singer in a smokey room/The smell of wine a cheap perfume,” is the perfect description of the moments leading up to this song being played at a bar. A very drunk girl walking past me, smelling like booze mixed with Hollister perfume, staggering to the jukebox to find the one, the only, Journey. Then, the singing starts…

I suppose it’s hard to start “Believin’” if you never actually started. To be honest, if it wasn’t for bars, I would probably never have to hear this song. But alas, I feel the need to drink in public and Journey will always be a part of that.

I’ve always hated this band. Steve Perry’s voice makes me want to murder kittens (I’m just kidding PETA) and at one point, Randy Jackson was part of the band, which is reason enough to hate them (right dawg?)

But the fact of the matter is this song either gives the drunken listener something to believe in (i.e. “I can get laid tonight!” or “It’s totally not herpes.”) or makes the wasted party completely despondent, like me (i.e. “In Hell, this song is on repeat.”) Either way, for the sake of humanity, please stop. Stop Believing. Please.

Dishonorable Mention: “Born to Run” – Bruce Springsteen, “Rolling in the Deep” – Adele,  Anything Spice Girls, “Stairway to Heaven” – Led Zeppelin, “Welcome to the Jungle” – Guns n’ Roses.