Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! We’re still getting comfortable with the back to school season, so we’re staying in class once again. This time we’re joined by Miley Cyrus and her insufferable friends as we learn about love and parenting in the digital age. If that doesn’t sound appealing, it’s because it’s not.
So kick back, relax, text your best friend and enjoy my torture of “Lol”!
-“Everybody” by Ingrid Michaelson is the song playing to introduce the film. I’m surprised they didn’t go with a Miley Cyrus film.
-Miley’s character attends Wrigley High School. Is their slogan “Even better, longer lasting”?
-“Every year it’s weird going back to school.” You don’t say, Miley?
-“We’re in slo-mo because that’s how the hot girls always show up.” Miley just broke the fourth wall (kind of) to call herself hot. I can tell already that I’m not going to like this film.
-Thomas Jane is in this. Why, Thomas, why?!?
-According to Miley, kissing her boyfriend is her not caring. What?!?
-“I’m sick of all the pretending!” Miley is sick of living a lie. She’s Hannah Montana no more!
-Ashley Greene is playing a character in this film that Miley refers to as the Post-It. She sticks to every guy and pretends to love them. Sounds like one of my exes.
-Miley wants to have a good year like the previous one where she fell in love with Chad. Is it wrong that I want her to get her heart broken? You need to learn that life can be devastating and not turn out the way you want it to, Miley!
-“Speaking of forever, that’s how long me and Kyle have been friends.” You’ve been friends since the beginning of time? Damn! That’s a strong friendship.
-“Based on the film “LOL (Laughing Out Loud)” This isn’t even an original idea? There’s another film out there that already took the LOL acronym and made a film out of it? I’ve lost all hope in humanity.
-Kyle is a male teen who’s been her best friend forever. How much do you want to bet he’s secretly in love with her and they end up together by the end?
-“Trying to love, live and laugh out loud. Which is nice, because my name is Lola, but everyone calls me LOL.” Yeah, I’m not calling you that.
-It’s nice to see Adam G. Sevani, whose only other previous films were the “Step Up” movies, branch out and play a nerdy strikeout with women.
-Lola and Chad haven’t seen each other all summer due to him being at camp. Camp Rock or Camp Fred?
-Chad just told Lola that he cheated on her. Being the douche bag that he is, he said it so nonchalantly that I actually thought he was kidding. I hope the twist at the end is that he was kidding.
-Lola just erased the “Chad + Lola 4ever” heart they made in the bathroom. Shit just got real!
-Lola’s mother is Demi Moore, who just doesn’t understand her and wants her to be safe with boys. Oh the misunderstandings, wackiness and lame drama this will produce!
-Lola and her mother are having a serious talk while her mother is taking a bath with their young daugther and Lola sits beside them only wearing a towel. Couldn’t this have occurred somewhere else, preferably with them all clothed?
-“Aren’t mothers supposed to have some kind of protective instinct?” Becoming a mother doesn’t automatically grant you superpowers. You earn them over time. It’s clear your mother has them. Stop whining!
-“This is so not the perfect day!” Like, totally!
-Lola texted her mother to come lay with her in bed and comfort her. Weren’t you just complaining about her? Make up your mind!
-Lola made her mother get up early to take her to school and is yelling at her for going too slow. Why am I supposed to sympathize with her?
-“What do you want me to do, mom, freeze?” “Depends. Will it make you nicer?” Burn!
-Lola is ignoring her mother and listening to her iPod. Oh, those crazy kids nowadays!
-They’re singing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”. Can they drill the message into our heads any further?
-Kyle just told Lola that, if her were Chad, he never would let her go. And so it begins.
-One of Lola’s friends took trigonometry solely because the teacher is attractive. Right now, she’s standing at the chalkboard staring at him creepily. What’s the “cute” texting acronym for stalker?
-All of the girls are fantasizing about the hot teacher. There’s a better film in here. It revolves around this teacher having to avoid his many stalkers.
-The students are acting up in class. What will these crazy kids do next?
-Lola’s friend is asking her teacher to tutor her at home. This isn’t going to end with him tied to a bed and her crying “Love me!”, will it?
-Ms. Post-It is going after Chad. That bitch!
-Chad just asked to get some from Lola. We get it. You’re a douche bag! You can tone it down a bit.
-Lola overheard her mother talking on the phone to her ex-husband and believes they’re getting back together. You know, because she’s five.
-“I still can’t believe the secret guy Mom’s dating is Dad!” Dun dun dun?
-This movie is the second worst thing to happen to Demi Moore this year.
-It turns out Demi’s ex husband is Thomas Jane. As much as it saddens me to see Jane in this, at least he can salvage my experience.
-Demi is asking her psychiatrist if getting back with her ex husband is a bad idea? You don’t need to pay someone to get the correct answer here. Just go through a fast food drive thru and ask the clerk. Even he/she knows this is a bad idea.
-Lola is chatting online with her friend. We get to see their conversation via pop-up bubbles. At least the film isn’t lying when it says it’s centered (somewhat) around the texting generation.
-Lola’s friend snapped on her brother who was practicing on his flute and was playing too loud. Why am I supposed to like these people?
-Kyle had to bail on band practice because his mother told him to come home. Parents just don’t understand!
-Kyle’s band (which includes Chad) are singing a song with lyrics that go, “I won’t let you go! All this time, I’ve been crazy about you!” Kyle constantly looks at Lola while singing this. Can he make it anymore obvious?
-Kyle and Lola almost kissed. Can’t have that happen now. The story would be over, wouldn’t it?
-Kyle lied to his parents and said he was working with Chad on a history project. What a rebel!
-Kyle’s father doesn’t understand his love of music. Parents just don’t understand!
-Demi got stuck at the courthouse paying a parking ticket and broke her heel on the way out. What’s next? Is a football going to be thrown at her face?
-A stranger is offering Demi a ride home. Considering today’s society (which this film is trying to play off of), wouldn’t it make sense for her to turn him down out of fear that he’s going to hurt her?
-The stranger assisting Demi is a detective. Apparently, that means he can ride his motorcycle without a helmet. I don’t think that’s how it works.
-“I’m not going to go out with a random cop.” I only take rides from them.
-Lola is asking her mother for a scooter because her friend got one. What teenager wants a scooter?
-Jeremy’s parents said that he hates drugs and then we cut to him smoking. Uh oh!
-Lola just asked Jeremy to sleep with her and he’s saying no. This is unrealistic!
-“I respect you too much.” Fine. I’ll cut him slack. That’s a good reason and some guys feel that way about close female friends. Still hard to believe, though.
-The director is cutting between the teenagers talking about sex and their parents talking about it. If she thinks this is clever, it’s not. We all know that adults and teenagers think differently. She’s not uncovering some hidden secret.
-Demi and Thomas are sneaking around again. He feel asleep on her. He probably dozed off reading the script.
-Demi is asking her ex-husband, I repeat, ex-husband, if he’s sleeping with someone else. If she thinks they’re back together, then why doesn’t she ponder why they have to sneak around?
-We’re getting closeups of Ashley Greene’s ass in the locker room. If I didn’t know a woman directed this, I’d be convinced this was the work of a horny forty year old going through a midlife crisis.
-The girls are talking about their asses. I’m trying hard to convince myself that the female director isn’t a male using a pseudonym.
-Chad “accidentally” knocked Lola over while playing volleyball in gym class. What is this, Elementary school?
-Chad called Lola a skank-ass ho and she snapped on him. I don’t like her, but she was in the right on this one.
-When Lola was explaining to the principal that Chad was harassing her, she was told that she was now harassing the principal. What?!?
-Demi took Lola’s phone to punish her. Lola defended herself by finally telling her mother that she and Chad broke up and he’s harassing her. Maybe she’d be more understanding of you if you didn’t hide this from her. I understand not wanting to talk to her about it, but getting mad because she doesn’t understand you because you hide stuff from her is ludicrous.
-Did Demi really just ask her daughter why Chad would call her a ho? He’s an asshole, that’s why!
-Let me get this straight. When Lola made the obviously false remark to Chad that she too slept with someone over the summer, everybody started believing her. This is why Chad called her a ho. People call others horrible names all the time without justification. No reason to give him an extremely lame one.
-“I don’t want you making stupid mistakes out of spite.” I only want you making stupid mistakes out of depression.
-Demi gave Lola her phone back. All is right in the world!
-Lola and Kyle are chatting online. The reason this exists is so she can send him a smiley face. You get your money’s worth, folks.
-A montage of Lola and Kyle having fun together. Really?!?
-“I can’t love him, but I do!” Ugh. Really?!? I know she feels telling him will ruin their friendship, but hiding it will too. I’m probably sick of this more because it’s clear they both like each other, but don’t want to make a move in fear of ruining their friendship. It’s predictable, tired and I don’t care about these characters. To stay in line with the film, I’m feeling L right now.
-Lola’s friend is video chatting anonymously online. How the fuck do you anonymously video chat?!? I see that they’re obscuring their faces and only texting, but that seems to be pointless. Why not just solely text? I understand doing it this way shows that the person isn’t lying about their personal appearance, but they could still have facial scars or the woman could actually have a penis.
-Lola’s friend kissed the camera and is filming her whole body. I’m convinced the director is a male in disguise.
-Why the hell did Lola’s friend steal her mother’s uncooked chicken?!?
-Marlo Thomas is playing Demi’s mother. How did they get so many talented actors to appear in this dreck?
-If Demi and Thomas are trying to sneak around, why would they embrace each other in the parking lot where Lola can see them when they told her that she was going to the beach with her friends? It’s like they’re trying to get caught!
-Lola is drugging her grandmother so she can have more friends over to party. Tell me again why I’m supposed to like her.
-Emily (Lola’s friend who I finally decided to look up the name for) just noticed that the nerdy guy that’s always hitting on her is wearing the same shirt her anonymous video chatter was wearing. So that’s why she video chatted? So we could have a cheap gag? Are you freaking kidding me?!?
-Kyle just told Lola that he really wants to kiss her, she said she wanted to as well, then somebody bumped into them and they forgot about this and started dancing. Just make out already!
-Lola and Kyle are kissing. It’s about damn time!
-Lola and Kyle went to the room to have sex, but couldn’t stop giggling. Therefore, they just made out. What?!?
-Demi came home early and found the house trashed from the party. Uh oh!
-When Demi threatened to ship Lola off to her father’s, she responded, “That sounds like a dream. I’ll probably see you there in the morning.” Burn! It’s disrespectful, but I have to appreciate a good burn when I see one.
-If Kyle is in love with Lola, why would he still hang out with Chad? I understand the whole long friendship thing, but he clearly thinks he’s an asshole for the way he cheated Lola. If I cared about someone that much, I couldn’t still be friends with her asshole ex.
-Lola’s grounded for a whole month and may miss the school trip to Paris. Oh the inhumanity!
-“I want us to stop fighting over nothing.” “You call sleeping with random sluts nothing?” No, Thomas Jane calls that Tuesday.
-“You are the best thing in my life and you’re also the worst!” I say this to a box of Twinkies every day.
-Chad just hit on Ms. Post-It’s stepmother in front of her husband. Classy.
-Since when do schools host anti-drug seminars that includes both the students and their parents?
-The detective that was flirting with Demi earlier is the one giving the lecture. What a coincidence! And by coincidence, I mean plot convenience.
-“I’m sure you all have something better to do than sit here and listen to some guy who thinks he’s cool and educated.” Your damn right I do! Matlock is on!
-The detective showed a picture of the effects of long-term drug abuse and it turned out to be a photo of the principal. This wasn’t a prank by one of the students, but by the detective himself. The principal, who’s been a serious woman so far, laughed this off, as if she were in on the joke. Way to suspend your character’s personality for a cheap gag.
-Demi tried to avoid the detective, but he caught up with her. He actually used the fate line on her. I guess that works when you’re attractive.
-“It wasn’t a question. I’m telling you I’m going to buy a drink!” I don’t care how attractive you are. Forcing yourself on someone like this isn’t a good method to woo them.
-Lola found Kyle in the bathroom making out with Ms. Post-It. And by found them making out, she found her purse on the ground in front of a stall. Granted, she seen them come out, so I understand her assuming he cheated on her. By the way he’s reacting, I can tell Ms. Post-It set this up. Ugh!
-It turns out that Emily and the nerdy guy were in the bathroom stall making out. Emily has the same purse as Ms. Post-It. Which means that somebody had to tell Lola that Kyle was in the bathroom, for her to mistake the purses and see both Ms. Post-It and Kyle come around the same corner at roughly the same time in order for this misunderstanding to work. My head hurts!
-Kyle, I understand you’re insulted by Lola’s accusations that you cheated on her. However, when confronted with this, you don’t say, “Wow. I guess we’re done.” To her, it makes it seem as if you did cheat on her. It’s called communication. Work on it!
-Lola came home crying and her grandmother tried comforting her. When Lola said she wasn’t hungry, she said, “We’re not turning anorexic now?” You know, because this is an appropriate time to make an anorexic joke.
-In order to make herself cry, Miley Cyrus imagined what her career will be like in twenty years. The thought of starring in crappy Lifetime movies made her break down.
-Lola is telling Emily about the situation and it’s clear Emily knows that she mistook her and the nerdy guy for Ms. Post-It and Kyle. Instead of being a good friend, she’s going to not tell Lola because she’s ashamed of making out with the nerdy guy. What a selfish bitch!
-“What’s wrong with me? Do I have a sign on my head that says cheat on me?” No, the sign reads, “Property of Disney”.
-All of the kids are getting bad grades. This is the most realistic thing to happen so far.
-“You know what this report smells like? No more music!” No more music doesn’t have a smell. That witty punishment you thought you made for Kyle was stupid. Way to be stupid, Dad!
-Let me get this straight. Lola accuses Kyle of cheating on her with Ms. Post-It. He breaks up with her because of this lack of trust and… goes out with Ms. Post-It. You’re not making yourself look good!
-Lola is making out with a random guy to make Kyle jealous. Since the actor can’t seem to convey more than a meek smile or distraught loner look, she probably won’t succeed.
-Why are Lola’s friends hanging out with Chad and Kyle? Is there no unity with these people?
-Now Kyle’s saying he’s not seeing Ashley. You’re sure making it look like you are, you buffoon!
-Immediately after telling Lola he’s not seeing Ashley, he kisses Ashley. Is he stupid or just an asshole?
-Demi feels that she’s always the guilty party as a parent. I hate this complaint. A message to parents. For a good chunk of your child’s life, you have to be their enemy in their eyes. You have to lay down the law and protect them. In order to do this, you have to be looked upon as the bad guy. It may hurt, but that’s what being a parent is all about. You’re raising a child, not becoming their best friend. Or BFF, to stay in tune with this movie’s lingo.
-Demi is letting Lola go to Paris because the cute detective told her to allow her. He’s cast his attractive spell on her!
-Kyle told Lola he was coming over in ten minutes. Right after he got off the phone, his father burst into his room (after finding pot), destroyed his guitar, took his phone and laptop and threatened to ship him off to military school. It looks like our dear friend, plot convenience, is here to stay.
-Thomas Jane caught Demi making out with the cute detective. Now you’re just being an overbearing prick, plot convenience!
-Remember that attractive teacher from earlier? Emily is back to stalking him. I’m so happy that unimportant subplot that was completely forgotten about is back.
-Emily finally decided to tell Lola that it was her and the nerdy guy she found in the bathroom. This information would have been useful fifteen minutes ago!
-Lola is texting Kyle to apologize, but he can’t answer because his father took his phone. Can we just skip this tired spiel and get to the finale please?
-Lola is getting ready for the Paris trip? So, the whole reason they’re having a Paris trip is to have a change of scenery and a free trip to Paris for the crew (given that they actually filmed there)? Whatever.
-Emily’s mother found lingerie in her luggage and snapped on her. I really don’t care.
-Lola is staying with a random family in Paris? If it’s a school trip, wouldn’t they all be in a hotel?
-Lola is taking her mother’s fancy sweater to Paris with her. Ten bucks says it gets ruined.
-Why is Kyle going on the Paris trip? Wouldn’t his father ban him from it? Don’t give me the whole “It’s a school trip” spiel. If Lola’s mother would ban her from it, then so would Kyle’s really strict father.
-Lola and Kyle made up after he sat next to her on the plane and started kissing. I’d say “Fuck you!” for skipping over the argument, but I did ask for this. So thank you movie for speeding things up! *checks the time* There’s still another half hour left? Fuck you, movie!
-Their principal lied to them. They’re twenty minutes away from Paris and are staying in the regular, non-glamorous part of town. Oh no!
-They’re eating snails, which are icky. What a culture clash!
-Lola and Emily’s Paris parents don’t have a phone adaptor to charge their phones. It’s the end of the world!
-“I hate it when people think your life is over if you don’t have a man.” No, your life is over when you don’t have a phone adaptor. Get it right, Demi!
-Making fun of French people and their lifestyles. Way to be classy, film.
-Emily told Lola who she was screwing in the bathroom. Lola forgave her because she felt bad for her. Well, at least they’re not making fun of the French.
-The class took a trip into Paris and are seeing the sights. Damn it! I was hoping they would’ve been robbed of that experience.
-Ms. Post It was eying up an older gentleman. What a slut!
-They’re all playing in a fountain. Cue up the “Friends” theme.
-Lola snuck out of her French parents house to be with Kyle. Emily’s nerdy fling snuck in to be with her. If this actually played in theaters, the audience would have snuck into another film.
-Lola is staying the night at Kyle’s French parents’ house. This sneaking around couldn’t take place in America?
-Kyle and Lola are finally having sex. At the same time, Demi is having sex with the detective. Who isn’t getting laid in this film?
-“It really feels good to love someone it hurts. I don’t know how people survive this. Honestly, I don’t.” Yeah, it must be so hard to be so passionately in love. It’s a lot easier being single and eating Ramen by yourself watching a Miley Cyrus movie.
-Now that they’re back home, Kyle is telling Lola that it’s bad timing to get back together because of the Battle of the Bands. Is he serious? I didn’t know it was so hard to juggle being in a band and being in a relationship with someone who loves you. I guess he should jump on the lonely Ramen bandwagon as well. You can pick and choose when you want your Ramen. Dick!
-Are Emily and the nerdy guy officially dating? Why do I care?
-Chad’s okay with Kyle dating Lola as long as he keeps it real with him. We don’t want this lousy love triangle getting fake, now do we?
-Kyle talked to Chad and he’s now dating Lola again. He had to get permission from Chad to date her? I don’t remember him needing permission the first time he went out with her.
-Lola defended Ms. Post-It when Chad called her a ho. Except in this case, he’d be right.
-Demi was looking for her sweater in Lola’s room and found her diary instead. In it, Lola writes about her first time with Kyle and tapes the condom wrapper into the diary. Why would you keep that? Does she realy need that as a memento?
-I understand that Demi is devastated (no parent wants to find out their daughter had sex), but she should at least be happy to discover she was safe about it.
-Demi’s psychiatrist seems about as interested in her problems as I am.
-Demi and Thomas are having coffee together and arguing again. They’re also talking about Lola doing drugs and having sex. The only reason I care is because Thomas Jane is on screen.
-Demi just told Lola that she read her diary and she snapped on her. This is the only time I’ll defend her snapping on her mother. That’s an invasion of privacy.
-Lola called her mother a bitch and got slapped. If you don’t like Miley Cyrus, you’ll love this moment.
-Wait a minute. Lola stormed out of the car and went to her room. But, her mother picked her up from school (I believe) and was rushing her, saying they were going to be late. They never drove away. They immediately started arguing. Yet, now they’re home. Either Demi picked her daughter up at her house (and I mistook it for the school) and were going somewhere or this movie really fucked up.
-Lola is going to her father’s. Does this mean Thomas Jane and Miley Cyrus are actually going to share screen time? I never thought those two would.
-They’re actually sharing screen time! Why am I excited about this?
-Emily was texting the nerdy guy while he was getting tutoring from the attractive teacher. He caught him, took his phone and noticed a picture of Emily in a bra. Why does this exist?
-The teacher just talked to Emily and told her to tell her boyfriend to change the picture on his cell phone. Kind of weird that he decided to bring that up. I’d assume he’d just pretend he’d never seen it.
-Thomas Jane and Miley Cyrus are eating Oreos together. My life is complete!
-Lola wrote a letter to her mother apologizing about everything and saying she wanted to tell her mother about Kyle and whatnot. Yadda yadda yadda.
-Lola went back home and is making amends with her mother. As long as it ends this movie quicker, I won’t complain.
-Lola and Ms. Post It seem to be friends now. Whatever.
-Kyle is performing at Battle of the Bands. His father found out and came to punish him. Instead, he caught his act and is impressed with him. Blah!
-Kyle’s band won which means they got a record deal. The sequel will be their downfall into drugs and hookers.
-Kyle is singing the “I Won’t Let You Go” song to Lola. In the meantime, her mother is spending time with the detective. Everybody’s happy! Well, except for me. But, who cares about me? It’s all about Miley Cyrus and her magical love story!
-“I guess if I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that you can pretend to be anyone you want. But, when it comes to love, I mean real love, the best thing is just be yourself.” What I learned is that some actors (Demi Moore, Thomas Jane, etc.) sometimes need a paycheck.
-It actually ended with a credit that read “the end… lol” that changed into “the end… lots of love”. No love is coming from me!
That’s “LOL”. A sickeningly clichéd and badly acted (even from Demi Moore and Thomas Jane) film that beats you over the head with it’s message. Miley doesn’t handle herself well on screen and neither do her teenage co-stars. The script is weak and the direction moves at a snail’s pace. I’ve seen better love stories done by Lifetime and those usually center around rape and/or abusive husbands.
I’ll see you all in two weeks! Taking next week due to other commitments.