Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! Feature Films for Families is represented for the second week in a row. Last week, they gave us a sasquatch playing basketball. This week, they give us talking animals who aid a young boy in saving the president from being assassinated. What a film company!
So kick back, relax, grab your favorite pet and enjoy my torture of “How I Saved the President”!
-Melora Hardin is in this office. Her career before “The Office” was painful.
-“Dear Lord, we thank you for your bounty!” Expect to hear me saying “Dear Lord” a lot during this movie. No thanks will be given out, though.
-What does the tough chick in the army have to do with this? I thought a kid was going to save the president, not G.I. Jane.
-Melora Hardin is an agent whose next assignment is to drive around Max (the protagonist) and his parents. Why would you assign an agent to that? There are dozens of taxi drivers and chauffeurs that would be happy to do the job.
-Max’s pets are talking to each other. Was this a rejected “Babe” sequel? “Babe: The Manchurian Candidate”.
-“Animals are our friends, but they can’t really talk.” The same applies for blow-up dolls.
-Why would an agent, who should be making good money, be driving a cheap vehicle? I don’t mean to judge… actually, I do.
-Max has a friend named Buzzy who takes after Anna Chlumsky from “My Girl”.
-This may be the only school where the rich kid gets picked on. Wouldn’t the kids want to be his friend to mooch off of him?
-Melora saved the kids from bullies by jumping out of the bushes. Why was she hiding in the bushes in the first place? People will get the wrong idea.
-A good way to connect with kids is to call them dude. It doesn’t sound lame or forced at all.
-Of course the villains have their own dog as well. I swear if that dog rats everything to Max…
-The villain’s dog told Max’s dog about her master’s plan to assassinate the president. I was close.
-I don’t care how evil a person is; they won’t try to beat a dog in public. Nobody’s that stupid!
-The park rangers came just in time. And by just in time, I mean after the bad guy left. They’re just like movie cops, only less important.
-The rangers aren’t going to do anything about the man attacking the dog, but were considering giving Max a ticket for having his dog in the park without a leash. What dicks!
-The dog couldn’t understand the other’s foreign accent and believes the villain is going to kill a “resident in the rain”. I’m dyin’ in the rain!
-“Dog don’t lie!” And cats don’t dance. What does that have to do with anything?
-Max disconnected his father’s phone to get his attention. I understand your crisis is urgent, but that was rude, kid. He was almost done. I’m sure that resident in the rain would have survived a few more minutes.
-“I was in the park today and there were these guys, foreign guys…” So, because they’re foreign, they plan on killing someone? That’s racist, Max!
-Why would you tell your father that your dog told you about an assassination plot? You’re nine, kid! You should know nobody’s going to believe that.
-“I give up! I’ll never figure humans out.” Just wait until that dog sees “Jersey Shore”.
-“Come on, Max! Are you a man or a mouse?” Who knew pets could be instigators of peer pressure?
-Max is telling his friend Buzzy the entire story. She doesn’t believe him, either. Imagine that.
-“Max, I know we play games, but murder’s no fun.” It’s not? It’s a good thing this movie parlayed that message to me. I never would have known.
-Max is trying to convince Buzzy that his dog could talk by having his dog smelling what’s in her pockets. Couldn’t Max have seen what she put in there earlier?
-The villain’s dog ran to Max and his dog with news that she’s been beaten. That doesn’t matter, though. What matters is that she stole her owner’s valuable medallion. As we all know, stealing a medallion prevents murder.
-I just seen two dogs flirt with each other. My life is complete?
-The villain’s goons are chasing Max and Buzzy through a jungle gym. Naturally, they fall down a lot. Who did he hire these goons from, Rita Repulsa?
-Why would they go down the slide at the same time? They have to know that two full grown men can’t fir in the same slide. Did they get brain damage from falling down a lot?
-Max left his Frisbee back in the park with his number on it. Now the villain knows how to contact him. What I want to know is why someone would leave their number on a Frisbee. If you lose it, go get another one at the dollar store.
-Max and Buzzy go home to tell his parents about the chase and they don’t believe him. He shows them the medallion, but it turns out to be plastic and they think he’s making up a story. Your son just said he was chased by grown men. At the very least, check into it. It’s possible they could be child abductors. Stop being an ass!
-Max’s father is setting him up with a psychiatrist. Maybe the therapist will diagnose his talking to animals with a lack of attention from his parents.
-The cat is laughing at Max. What a bitch!
-Scratch that. She was laughing at a Garfield comic. Somehow, that’s even worse.
-Max read an article in the paper about the president visiting town on a campaign stop. Gaining a level of intelligence that has been missing so far, he puts two and two together and figures out the president is going to be assassinated.
-I don’t care if people think Max is crazy. If someone says there’s a plan to assassinate the president, the FBI will have no choice but to look into it.
-“I can’t just call the president. They’ll lock me up for sure.” I’d question how calling someone could get you arrested, but sleeping on a refrigerator outside in Pennsylvania is against the law. Therefore, I’ll buy into this one.
-It’s illegal to call the president, but writing him a letter is fine. What a double standard.
-Why doesn’t Max just tell Melora about the assassination plot? I know his father told him she’s just a driver (because he’s a prick), but at least he’ll have someone to confide in. She called him dude, for crying out loud! That right there means she’s on his side.
-The FBI got Max’s letter, which opened up with, “You don’t know me, but somebody is trying to kill you.” This is going to end with Max getting arrested and thrown in a mental institution, isn’t it?
-The FBI are sending agents to Max’s house. Since they noticed he’s a former agent, they suspect him of assassinating the president. Hence why he sent the letter.
-Melora brought Max’s dog to pick him up from school and she’s confused when he keeps talking to him. If Max knows people think he’s crazy because he talks to animals, wouldn’t he not do so in public?
-Max is visiting his psychiatrist for the first time, who has his own dog. What would happen if one of his patients was allergic to dogs?
-When choosing a psychiatrist for your child, make sure you don’t send him to one that’s crazier than his patients.
-“Not all animals can talk, Max.” What?!? Why are they being selective all of a sudden?
-Some animals are born mute. The cat’s reasoning is because of the cruelty of humans. How would that make them mute from birth? Wouldn’t they develop that over time?
-If the shock is great enough, Max’s pets could become mute. Quick, somebody shock them!
-Secret Service Agents were waiting for Max at his house. When he and Melora arrived, they strangled him. What the hell?!?
-“We just want to talk to you and your son.” Hence why we strangled him.
-Max never mentioned anything in the letter about talking dogs. Unless he just told them that, they shouldn’t know that. Even then, as preposterous as it sounds, they’d be wise to keep extra security around the president. Even joking about murder can get one arrested and the target under special care. Why are they taking this so lightly when the fucking president is involved?!?
-If this film were made today, the kid wouldn’t be put into psychiatric care for talking to animals. He’d get his own reality show.
-The goons from the park are dressed as gas company workers to infiltrate Max’s house. How many times will they fall down once inside?
-The cat and dog are attacking the goons. How much do you want to bet Max gets blamed for this?
-Max just whacked one of them with a golf club. That he deserves to be blamed for. Good moves, though.
-The cat just broke a painting on the goon’s head. You read that right.
-Max’s mother arrived just in time! And by just in time, I mean right as the goons were running away and made it look like Max assaulted them for no good reason. Ugh!
-Max is finally telling Melora about everything. Took him long enough.
-Max’s father got an urgent phone call and is now in Washington, D.C. Plot convenience rears it’s ugly head once again!
-The psychiatrist called to inform Max’s mother that he’s become delusionally involved with his pets. You weren’t helping by talking to your dog, too.
-The psychiatrist’s plan is to separate Max from his pets. That may solve the delusional involvement with his pets, but it’ll create a newfound deep depression. What’s next, doc? Take away all of his belongings and hand him a razorblade?
-The pets are being taken away. Max is afraid this will shock them into never speaking again. One can only hope.
-Clyde arrives just in time! And by just in time, I mean just as Max’s pets are being taken away. Does anybody show up on time in this movie?
-Melora is following Max’s pets to make sure they’re safe because she believes his story. Before you start face palming, she acknowledges how crazy this is. I think she’s doing it out of boredom.
-Max is wearing the medallion. The goons are coming back to get it. More falling down will commence.
-Why is Melora using a phony accent when talking to the animal shelter worker?
-Melora convinced the worker that Max’s pets are dangerous and she needs to take them back to New York for research. Were the writers high?
-The goons broke into Max’s house and drugged his mother. This is getting eerily close to an R-rating.
-By the way, they don’t plan on hurting Max. They just want the medallion back. You know, the one supposedly made out of plastic. What is it, a bomb?
-One of the goons drugged Max, preventing him from telling them where the medallion is. They think it’s a smart idea to shove him in a big bag and abduct him.
-Melora arrives just in time! And this time, I mean it. She gets to Max’s house just as the goons are leaving with him. She doesn’t know this, but the dog does and is chasing after the van. The first time someone arrives on schedule and it’s because of the animals.
-The cat is trying to talk to Melora, but she can’t understand her. How exactly can someone communicate with animals? All Max said was he knew how to listen. That’s very cryptic.
-The only way the cat can get through to Melora is by having her follow her. You know, just like how animals communicate with us in real life.
-Melora got the hint that the cat wants her to go into Max’s room. She decides it’s a smart idea to break into his room instead of going through the front door, because that’ll wake his mother and send the animals back to the pound. No wonder she was complaining about this inept job in the beginning of the film.
-“All I have to do now is become a cat burglar.” A pun at this time? Really?!?
-Melora noticed that somebody ransacked Max’s room and that he’s missing. A secret agent needed a cat’s assistance to figure this out. I weep for our government.
-How did the dog get back to the house so quickly? He was just miles away a minute ago.
-Melora can tell that Max’s mother was drugged by feeling her temperature. Is that even possible?
-Melora is starting to understand the animals. Is it because she’s listening more intently? No, it’s because of plot convenience.
-The villain found the medallion on Max after shaking him. Why was he shaking him? He’s an asshole, that’s why!
-The medallion is a radio receiver. Shouldn’t they have been able to track it?
-“Today, we will assassinate your president and change history!” You know, a few presidents have already been assassinated and that didn’t turn out well for the murderers. Just saying.
-“Tonight, we will ship back to our country and you and your president will be dead!” Will they be dining in Hell?
-So, the villain is evil because he’s foreign? Really?!?
-Now the goons are impersonating caterers. If we get a pun about them dishing up punishment, I’m going to be pissed!
-“What am I supposed to tell the police if we get in an accident? I’m sorry officer, the cat and dog were driving.” You’ll never know if it’ll work or not if you don’t try.
-Why is there a raven in the headquarters with Max? Oh, that’s right. Max’s dog made the remark earlier that ravens can’t talk. Or was it that they can, but choose not to? Does it really matter? We all know the raven’s going to talk and save Max. Let’s just get on with it.
-Max complimented the raven and it started talking. This is how you get politicians to talk, as well.
-Is the raven voiced by the guy who did Finster’s voice on “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers”? Did I really make two MMPR references in one Movienalia induction?
-The catering disguise worked. The villains are in the party the president will be attending. I believe the message here is that, as long as you have cake, you can break in anywhere in America.
-The raven got a few animals to save Max by bribing them with hamburgers. He has to give them the burgers, though. This raven is kind of a jerk.
-“Now, here’s my plan…” Your plans haven’t worked so far, Max. What makes you think this one will?
-Max’s plan was to have the dogs howl and charge the guards once they opened the door. Simplicity works, folks!
-All of the dogs are piling into Melora’s car? How are they going to fit?
-They somehow all fit in. Is she driving a clown car?
-If these villains can’t even hold a kid hostage, how do they plan on assassinating the president?
-Melora has driven straight through the security to get into the party. You’d think security for a presidential party would be more efficient.
-Melora saved herself from getting arrested by showing her badge and telling the agents that there’s an assassination plot to kill the president. Why didn’t she do that from the start?
-I love how the goons are taking their role as caterers so seriously that they’re actually making food. Talk about method acting!
-The dogs have crashed the kitchen and are chewing up the goons. Even the putties got in more offense. Yes, another MMPR reference.
-One of the goons was able to easily knock out a spotlight guard and take his spot. Why does the president’s security suck so badly?
-The agents from earlier seen Max and are freaking out because the crazy kid is present. They’ll worry about a kid before they get good security to prevent an assassination.
-The cat attacked the sniper and stopped him from shooting the president. The secret service can’t take out a murderer, but a kid and his pets can. Seriously, our government sucks!
-The villain went to shoot the president, but Max hit him with a plate. This may be the first time an assassination plot was averted by a plate.
-The dog jumped in front of a bullet to save the president. Why did this have to happen? Once the plate hit the villain and he shot into the air, the dozens of security guards present (a few of which were close by) should have tackled him. Do we really need an emotional spot where Max cries to his dog to not leave him?
-The villain is in custody now. The agents will let a dog take a bullet before they do. What jerks!
-It’s one month later and the president has invited Max to a public speech to honor him and give him a medal. His pets and Melora are also getting medals. That’s right, a cat and dog have received a medal for saving the president. What have you done with your life?
-How did the dog survive, you ask? It was just a flesh wound. Wouldn’t a flesh wound from a bullet on a dog still be pretty impactful?
That’s “How I Saved the President”. I was hoping this would be a fun failure like “Big and Hairy”, but this was just very dull. I never thought I’d say that about a film where a boy saves the president from being murdered with the aid of talking animals, but there you have it. The only importance this film has is an early role for Melora Hardin.
I’ll see you all next week!
-Melora Hardin is an agent whose next assignment is to drive around Max (the protagonist) and his parents. Why would you assign an agent to that? There are dozens of taxi drivers and chauffeurs that would be happy to do the job.