Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! Last week, I got stranded at “Camp Rock”. I tried calling Mudda and Fadda, but they wouldn’t come and pick me up. Hell, I would have taken a transfer to Camp Grenada, but no dice. I was stuck at “Camp Rock” for another week. Which means this week’s induction is “Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam”.
So kick back, relax, grab your Jonas Brothers cardboard cutout and enjoy my torture of “Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam”!
-Why is Mitchie acting as if this is the first time she’s been to Camp Rock? I understand being excited to go back, but some of the enthusiasm had to dissipate.
-“You and subtle aren’t good friends.” You leave subtle out of this, Mitchie! He did nothing wrong!
-Mitchie and the loose cannon (who I guess isn’t a loose cannon anymore, but he’s not getting a new nickname) have only texted each other in the past year. Your telling me he never once visited her or took her on tour with him? What happened to all that lovey-dovey crap he was spewing at the end of the last film?!?
-They opened a Camp Star across the lake from Camp Rock. I never understand this business decision. Why would you risk your upstart business by putting it right next to a successful business that delivers the exact same product? You have such little chance of succeeding. It’s the equivalent of me opening a coffee shop right next to a Starbucks. I’m practically begging for failure.
-Mitchie and Caitlyn not seeing each other for a year makes more sense. There’s travel involved that neither one could accommodate. The loose cannon is a millionaire who could have easily flown to see her or had someone pick her up and bring her to him. Maybe I should change loose cannon’s nickname to douche bag.
-They’re bunking with the villainess’ lackeys from the last film. Now that she’s not evil (I swear if she is again, I’ll lose my shit) and they’re not lackeys, I guess I’ll have to learn their names. Boo!
-The villainess is no longer a bitch. She does, however, update her status every two seconds. Therefore, her new nickname is status whore.
-Mitchie told the girls that she feels that her relationship with Shane (I’ll acknowledge him by name now, though his brothers are still receiving nicknames) is doomed to fail if they can barely see each other. Gee, you think?!?
-The Jonas Brothers’ bus broke down. Does that mean they won’t be able to be in the movie? Please?!?
-“It’ll be cool. I have it all planned. She’ll walk in and I’ll be sitting there and I’ll say, “Hey, Mitchie!” She’s going to be so surprised.” You know what would really surprise her? Seeing her more than once a year!
-“I’m just excited to finally spend some time with her!” Oh, really? If you really wanted to spend time with her, you would have made the time earlier, you ass!
-The brain dead one had a bolt to the tire in his pocket the whole time. He kept it because he thought it would be important. I’m going to forego the obvious joke and ask a rhetorical question. The brain dead one can actually think?
-The bus overturned and fell off the cliff and into the lake because a bolt was missing. Why would it just now flip over? If it’s been missing for awhile, shouldn’t it have flipped over already?
-Mitchie sang and everybody loved it. Go figure.
-Mitchie just greeted a few extras from the last film as if we know them by heart. I’m sitting here wondering who they are.
-Let me get this straight. Mitchie only had the first few lyrics written and was blanking. One of her friends (the one that doesn’t matter) suggested they repeat the opening lyrics and she stated, “That’s it!” She ran outside and is singing across the camp with brand new lyrics to the song. Where did she find the inspiration for those lyrics and why did she state, “That’s it!”, after the non important character made an unrelated suggestion? Did I miss something when I was questioning who the stock characters were?
-“I’m going to dance until my feet can’t move.” That sounds painful and a bit masochistic.
-How does everybody else know the lyrics to the song? She’s making them up on the spot.
-Bono Lite is back. If I wanted to watch someone pretend to be Bono, I’d watch Coldplay music videos.
-“Welcome to the heart and soul of rock and roll.” Camp Rock is the heart and soul of rock and roll? No wonder rock and roll sucks nowadays.
-“Whether you’re slick and happening or dark and jamming…” What does dark and jamming mean? Is he calling people out for being black?
-The Jonas Brothers have arrived at Camp Rock. And the crowd goes mild! Fine, they go wild. Blegh!
-How did the nice guy and the brain dead one tie Shane’s shoes together without him noticing?
-The Jonas Brothers will be attending Camp Rock all summer. Bono Lite is putting Shane on the spot and making him acknowledge he’s here to spend time with Mitchie. If he really wanted to spend time with her… you catch my drift.
-“We know it’s going to be hard, but just treat us like normal campers.” Treat them like normal campers? Quick, shove them in a locker!
-A thought just hit me. All three Jonas Brothers will be at Camp Rock for the summer. That means I have to put up with the brain dead one for a longer period of time. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
-Camp Star is stealing campers away from Camp Rock. Maybe if you promoted that the Jonas Brothers would be attending your camp for the entire summer, you’d have more campers. Just a thought.
-The person running Camp Star is Axel Turner, Bono Lite’s former bandmate that he kicked out. Bono Lite had a band?!?
-“I’m sure we can all peacefully coexist on the lake, yeah?” I sure hope not! If you do, then we have no plot.
-Camp Star invited everybody from Camp Rock to an open night bonfire. To set them ablaze, right?
-Bono Lite believes the bonfire is a set up. Now why would he think that?
-According to Mitchie, you can’t learn how to get out of a canoe by e-mail. Okay then.
-The brain dead one dropped a kid’s camera into the water. Can we please get him off screen?
-Axel Turner makes his first appearance. From here on out, I’ll be referring to him as The Edge Lite.
-“There’s no reason why we can’t both be successful.” Actually, there are a lot of reasons. I’ll simply state the obvious, that being two camps designed with the same intent (music oriented) can’t feasibly work next to one another.
-Shane is finally taking Mitchie on their first date later. It only took a year.
-“First, he tried to take down the Wet Crows…” Bono Lite’s band was called the Wet Crows? What’s their top hit, “She Talks to Demons”?
-“I think I just sowed my scarf to my bra.” How the hell do you do that? I believe the unimportant one is begging for attention.
-“You want to get to what a campfire is all about. Singing.” Actually, a campfire is all about s’mores. To be more specific, it’s all about the actual fire.
-Camp Star is performing magnificently, with pyro and everything. It’s just like a concert experience. Well, like a bad one that’s using fireworks and such to mask it’s inabilities.
-The cute girl that the nice one’s likes accidentally chucked her bracelet at him during her performance. This either means they’re meant to be together or she just accidentally hit him with her bracelet. Reality would lean towards the latter, but the film will towards the former.
-The Edge Lite is offering Camp Rock staffers double the pay to come work for him. You know, I’m starting to think this bonfire was a set up.
-The cute girl’s bracelet was her lucky charm. In her words, it still worked. Lucky because it brought her and the nice one together or it worked because it almost made him go blind in one eye?
-The cute girl is The Edge Lite’s daughter. What a plot convenience!
-The cute girl and the nice one are awkward around each other. Oh joy.
-“I’m an idiot!” No, you’re the nice one. Your brother is an idiot. Get it right!
-Luke, Camp Star’s top singer, just called Camp Rock second rate. Oh snap!
-Immediately after Mitchie told Luke that no Camp Rocker would make the switch to the narcissistic, overproduced ego factory (Camp Rock, not Disney), the status whore arrived to inform Luke she made the switch. It’s as if she timed that.
-“Tess, how could you?” She’s a bitch, remember?
-Camp Rock is closing because they lost most of their staff. I’d pretend to care, but I don’t have that much energy in me.
-Mitchie, the answer to the camp closing isn’t singing a song about not backing down. Hiring new staff is the answer.
-It makes me laugh that, “This is serious!”, is an actual lyric in this song. I never would have known that the camp closing was serious until they clarified it for me.
-“Don’t walk away!” Are they talking to each other or the audience?
– Mitchie found some new staffers, keeping Camp Rock open. How did she find the time to fit that into her busy schedule of breaking into song randomly?
-The brain dead one is the counselor for rotten little brats. I can’t wait for the telegraphed jokes to kick in. I literally can’t wait. I want them to happen now so I don’t have to suffer later.
-The new staff members are overwhelmed with their new jobs. Who knew being a counselor would be hard?
-Now they’re breezing through their new job. Nice to see the quick resolutions from the last film carried over.
-The nice guy is spying on the cute girl with binoculars as she practices piano. That’s kind of creepy.
-Mitchie’s mother ordered fifty cans of black beans, but got fifty cases of beach balls instead. Was that supposed to be funny?
-Shane is helping Mitchie’s mother with the cooking. How long until we get the inevitable “What are your plans with my daughter?” talk?
-Some Camp Star campers were wakeboarding and knocked the nice guy out of his canoe while he was spying on the cute girl. That’s something I’d expect in a bad thriller, not in a bad Disney Channel movie.
-The nice guy is talking to the cute girl. I guess he finally figured out that spying gets you nowhere (except possibly prison).
-The cute girl’s nerdy secret is that she wants to be a dancer. How is that nerdy?
-The cute girl wrote the nice guy’s name on her wrist with a permanent marker. Run as far away as possible from the crazy bitch, nice guy!
-“I’m still an idiot!” No, you’re not! You’re the nice guy. Your brother is the idiot. Do I have to come down there and straighten this out?
-Mitchie and Shane are too busy to spend time together. Why not just schedule themselves as co-counselors? I’m sure there’s a course that requires two counselors. Hell, why don’t they both work in the kitchen together?
-“The whole reason I’m here is to get to know you better.” If you really wanted to get to know Mitchie better, you would have seen her more often, Shane. Do I have to keep repeating myself?
-The brats glued the brain dead one to a log. I changed my mind. I can wait for the telegraphed jokes.
-Tess is spying on Camp Rock’s bonfire with Luke and The Edge Lite. She’s starting to miss Camp Rock and it seems the two men have trapped her at Camp Star. Concentration Camp Star?
-Camp Rock are practicing a routine to challenge Camp Star and get their respect back. They had respect?
-Camp Rock infiltrated Camp Star to challenge them to a Final Jam showdown. They’re giving them a preview because it’s been awhile since our last musical number.
-“I hope you’re ready for the time of your life.” I am! When does it start? After this movie ends?
-They’re having an impromptu dance off. When did this become a “Step Up” sequel?
-I just noticed something. The status whore is the villainess again (even if it’s kind of against her will). Son of a bitch!
-The Edge Lite approves of the Final Jam showdown. You know, because we cared what he thought.
-“A champion always needs a good sparring partner.” That’s why Disney allows Nickelodeon to exist.
-The Edge Lite is going to put the Final Jam showdown on television. Who would realistically watch two summer camps compete on TV? Actually, considering people watch a show about meter maids, that’s not much of a stretch. Carry on.
-Mitchie is getting stage fright at the idea of being on television. Wasn’t she on television on last year’s Final Jam?
-The brats are going to be performing at the Final Jam showdown. Stop encouraging them.
-Bono Lite is displeased with the Final Jam showdown as it could make Camp Rock look bad. So much for having faith in your campers.
-“Nobody believes in my rockers more than I do, but we are gonna look like a joke next to Camp Star.” Clearly, you don’t believe in your rockers. That or you do believe in them, but only believe they’re failures.
-Mitchie overheard Bono Lite’s spiel and is upset. I really hope this doesn’t mean we’re getting a moody song.
-“We have come too far just to back down. Agree?” I disagree. Does that mean you’ll give up and end this movie? Please?
-“Think of the biggest thing you can imagine and make it bigger.” There’s a penis joke in there somewhere.
-Mitchie is overwhelmed with her new counseling job and Shane is upset that they’re not spending time together. This is nothing a quick montage can’t fix.
-“Take my advice and never get a girlfriend!” Take his advice and get a girlfriend, but never actually spend time with her.
-The nice guy and the cute girl are staring at each other with binoculars. It’s as if they belong together (in the nut house).
-Mitchie is slowly becoming a bitch to her friends. She called them out for taking a break and slyly told them they suck.
-“Mitchie, we all care! But, you’ve got to lighten up.” “Really? What will that get us?” A less bitchy Mitchie. Hey, that rhymed!
-“That girl is taking the F-U-N out of summer.” Actually, she just took out the N.
-“Seriously, I love her, but I’m going to kill her!” That sounds like a country song.
-Shane just made a “Shining” reference. I don’t know whether to applaud him or be pissed that a classic film is being mistreated in a film like this.
-Shane’s solution to Mitchie’s new attitude is having a water balloon fight. What?!?
-Shane wants to take Mitchie on a moonlight picnic, but she turned him down because she wants to work on saving the camp. That would be honorable if she wasn’t acting like such a bitch.
-Mitchie is singing a moody song. She doesn’t have time to go on a date, but she can stop her planning to sing? What a hypocrite!
-Shane is also singing a moody song. It’s strangely similar to Mitchie’s. It’s as if they rehearsed this.
-“I can’t stay mad at you for anything.” What if he/she stabbed you? Could you stay mad at him/her for that?
-“We’re perfectly imperfect!” What an oxymoron!
-Mitchie woke up to everybody already practicing thanks to Shane motivating them. So, the solution to Mitchie’s bitchy attitude was for Shane to emulate her? What?!?
-I apologize. What Shane actually did was get everybody to help Mitchie with the scheduling. Why was she the only person doing it in the first place? What about Bono Lite? Isn’t that his fucking job?!?
-It’s that time of the film where the Jonas Brothers perform. Girls and myself weep. The girls because they love the Jonas Brothers; me because I have to suffer through a Jonas Brothers performance.
-“Practice makes perfect, but perfect’s not working.” If perfect’s not working, then you might as well give up. There’s nothing better than perfect. That or you could write better songs that don’t have such asinine lyrics.
-Why are we cutting to music video footage of the Jonas Brothers performing tasks around task? They can’t be performing on stage and dancing in the mess hall at the same time.
-The cute girl came to see the nice guy and accidentally tipped him off the bench. I know this is mainly aimed at little girls, but even they have a better sense of humor than that.
-The cute girl is angry at the nice guy because he doesn’t say much to her and gets nervous. I’d complain about how stupid this is, but I’d have to care about them first.
-The nice guy is singing a song about not knowing what to say, that he only knows how to sing. Why doesn’t he sing to the cute girl? It’d make him different than every other teenage boy.
-Wait? That’s not the nice guy’s song, it’s Shane and Mitchie’s? I guess all of the Jonas Brothers do sound the same.
-“You’re my favorite song!” It’s not cute to call someone your favorite song. They’re a person, not a song. I’d rather you tell me I’m your favorite person than your favorite song. A favorite song changes a lot. Am I supposed to feel like a temporary favorite?
-The nice guy is getting relationship advice from his brothers. You know, because they’re the experts on relationships. Might as well ask MC Hammer for financial advice while you’re at it.
-“If you can’t say it, sing it.” Did the brain dead one just give the nice guy good advice? What alternate universe have I stepped in?
-The nice guy infiltrated Camp Star to sing to the cute girl and give her a list of things nobody knows about him.
-The nice guy is trying to grow a mustache. Nothing says “I love you” like telling someone you want to grow a mustache.
-The Edge Lite caught the nice guy singing to his daughter and isn’t pleased. You can tell because his wrinkles even frowned.
-The brain dead one got scared by a kids’ ghost story. I didn’t know being brain dead meant you were a chicken, too.
-The brain dead one and the brats are wearing plants on their heads as disguises and spying on Camp Star. Even Ray Charles could spot them.
-Luke and the status villainess whore (see what I did there?) are constantly fighting for the spotlight. Lock them in a cabin with a spotlight and call it a day.
-Mitchie and Shane are singing alone for the Final Jam to save the camp. Why weren’t they singing together in the first place?
-The rotten brats are having the best summer ever, which gave Mitchie the best idea ever. If it’s anything like how the unimportant one gave her an idea earlier, it will be totally unrelated to them having the best summer ever.
-Hitz is covering the Final Jam showdown. So that’s how they got on TV, by getting a deal on a channel that nobody watches.
-“By good luck, I hope you fall off the stage.” The status villainess whore has a twisted definition of good luck.
-“Welcome to the ultimate summer camp showdown where you decide the winner!” My whole life has been building up to this moment. The moment where I decide what summer camp is the best in a frivolous competition. Looking at it that way, my life kind of sucks!
-The Hitz reporter is hyping Camp Star and making Camp Rock sound inadequate. It’s as if she was bribed.
-Why would Camp Star perform first? I know in the context of this film, Camp Rock has to go last. But, in the grand scheme of things, Camp Star is the “bigger” of the two, so they would go last. Why do I care?
-I just noticed who the cute girl reminded me of; Fran Drescher. Suddenlly, she’s not so cute.
-“When I get nervous, I sparkle things.” The unimportant one must be a Cullen.
-The status villainess whore sincerely wished Camp Rock good luck. She still has a heart. It’s black, but she still has one.
-The Hitz reporter just told Bono Lite that The Edge Lite fixed the competition. Why would she tell him that?!?
-“Not everything in life is a competition.” Except for this battle of the bands, which is a competition.
-Mitchie and Shane are singing in the crowd. Way to suck up!
-We’re getting flashbacks to the memories they made at Camp Rock during their performance. At the very least, these flashbacks are new footage. Not good footage, mind you, but new.
-Those beach balls Mitchie’s mother accidentally ordered earlier are being used in the concert. Was that why that joke was made? So they’d have a reason for beach balls? You don’t really need a reason for beach balls. I’d expect them to be at a summer camp.
-Camp Rock is calling in to vote for themselves. You can’t vote for yourself. That’s technically cheating.
-Camp Star won. I’m used to Disney movies killing off characters, but not at killing the hopes and dreams of young people. That’s more of a FOX thing.
-“Every song can’t be a hit.” To play defense, too many Jonas Brothers songs are hits.
-Shane and Mitchie kissed and are falling in love. They’re going to have so much fun on their second date next year.
-The message of this movie is that, even if you fail, that doesn’t mean you should give up and stop doing what you love. I’ll give them credit, that’s a good message.
-You got your message across. No need to sing another song.
-Camp Star is coming over to have fun at Camp Rock’s bonfire. How do we know this isn’t a trap and they’re just going to rub their success in their face?
-It turns out everybody thinks Camp Rock is more fun now and are switching there next summer. So, Camp Rock lost the battle, but won the war. Call me a prick, but I preferred the sadder ending.
That’s “Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam”! While it isn’t great by any means and certainly has it’s flaws, I’ll admit to this one being tolerable. It’s a vast improvement over the first one. A lot of the songs are cheesy, but they’re not forgettable. The film has a better energy to it and seemingly moves by faster. I’m not recommending this film, but if you get stuck watching it with your children or significant other, you won’t go through as much pain as you would the first.
I’ll see you all next week!