Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! It’s been awhile since the last induction (a little over a month). I’d like to apologize for that. I recently moved into an apartment with my best friend, so that took up a lot of my time. The rest of it was spent on getting “Movienalia Volume One” finished. Now that the book exclusive editions are completed, it’s time to get back to our normal scheduling!
How do I apologize for the delay? By inducting an often requested Disney Channel original movie! My “High School Musical” inductions were universally loved and people have been clamoring me to cover the “Camp Rock” films. Today, I start with the first one.
So kick back, relax, grab your bug spray and enjoy my torture of “Camp Rock”!
-Who names their daughter Mitchie? Was Butchington taken?
-Nobody wakes up and looks that good and polished in the morning. Mitchie should have frizzy hair, glazed eyes and no makeup on (though she might not, which is a compliment to Demi Lovato).
-Who is she trying clothes on for? It’s kind of depressing to have a “trying on clothes” montage without having a partner in crime to judge you.
-Mitchie has a book of songs she’s written. I wonder what they are. “Rainbows & Unicorns”? “Boys Are Stupid”? “My Parents Understand Because This is a Disney Movie”?
-The Jonas Brothers play a band by the name of Connect 3. Not much of an acting stretch.
-“What’s wrong with that boy? He’s got everything.” “Except for a clue.” Oh snap!
-Only in a Disney movie would a high-level celebrity scandal be about a singer walking off of the set of a music video. I wonder if their version of Charlie Sheen overdoses on pixie stix.
-Mitchie wants to go to Camp Rock, but her parents can’t raise the money. She’s a teenager. Go get a job and pay for it yourself, you lazy moocher!
-Of course Mitchie has a smart, nerdy friend. I’m just surprised it’s a girl and not a boy who secretly pines for her.
-“Guess who got an A+ in AP Mandarin?” Iron Man?
-According to this movie, you only become a musician if you attend Camp Rock. Tell that to the recent crop of Youtube sensations.
-“I was just so excited to have a summer that was all about music.” You know, because she can’t stay home and listen and write music. That’s an impossibility!
-Mitchie does have a job, actually. Why didn’t she save money for the camp, then?
-Turns out Mitchie’s going to Camp Rock after all. Who could have seen that coming?
-We’re only five minutes into the movie. Why have a dilemma of Mitchie not being able to go to Camp Rock if it’s going to be immediately resolved? Especially when she didn’t even fight for it. It was sprung upon her. Do the writers have a short attention span?
-Mitchie’s mother’s catering service is going to be working at Camp Rock, hence why Mitchie can go. All she has to do is help in the kitchen. Ten bucks says we get a musical number in the kitchen.
-Do they only play rock music at Camp Rock? What horrible discrimination!
-Being a drummer in this movie requires you to bang everything in sight. I don’t think that’s a result of being a drummer. That’s a result of being an asshole!
-This is Camp Rock, not Camp Step Up. Stop dancing!
-A rich white girl has arrived to camp. Ladies and gentlemen, we have our villainess!
-The camp director is doing his best Bono impression.
-“You knew Mick Jagger?” Actually, he only knows his moves.
-“She’s good at trying too hard to be good.” So, she sucks! Just say that. I think we can all handle the villainess being called terrible.
-“Hi, I’m Caitlyn. Camper today, top selling music producer tomorrow.” I’m holding you to that, Caitlyn. If you’re not a top selling music producer by tomorrow, I will hunt you down and give you a stern lecture on lying.
-“Hi campers! My name is Dee La Duke.” Why do all of these characters have ridiculous names? Whatever happened to naming someone Sally?
-“Here at Camp Rock we sing!” No shit!
-Disney’s version of rappers is depressing. They’re about as edgy as the Teletubbies.
-Never make the middle aged camp counselor say “Holla!” ever again.
-Connect 3 will be celebrity instructors at Camp Rock. The loose cannon of the group (they have names, but only their caricatures matter, so I’ll refer to them as such) is displeased with this. Watch out! He may spill a glass of milk in protest!
-“This is where Connect 3 connected!” There are no words to effectively describe how lame this line is.
-The other two band members are the nice one and the dumb one.
-“Can you make me a birdhouse or something?” He is no longer the dumb one. He is the brain dead one.
-Wait, so only the loose cannon will be a celebrity instructor? Why not the other two, as well? Are they too good for Camp Rock?
-The loose cannon will have to perform a duet with the winner of Camp Rock (that’s right, there’s a winner). Oh, the inhumanity!
-Mitchie doesn’t want to perform on open mic night due to stage fright. Then why the fuck are you at Camp Rock?!?
-Mitchie is spying on the villainess (she too is a caricature, so I’ll refer to her as such). What does she see? The villainess being a bitch. What a surprise.
-“Okay guys, I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve taken a cold shower. I’ve looked at a tree.” You don’t do that normally? That’s weird and disgusting.
-The one positive of just the loose cannon being a celebrity instructor is that we won’t see much of the brain dead one… hopefully.
-Mitchie is singing a moody melody by herself. What’s her melody about? Something about being a shiny star. Not that it matters. She might as well sing the lyrics, “Here’s the part of the movie where I sing about being lonely and misunderstood, despite the fact that I’m seemingly popular and beautiful.”
-The loose cannon has overheard Mitchie singing and likes her. Wouldn’t it be grand if she didn’t wind up winning the Camp Rock tournament, thus destroying this moment?
-The loose cannon went into the cabin, but Mitchie disappeared. I hope he’s convinced for the rest of the film that the campsite is haunted.
-“My usual look isn’t cutting it.” Your usual look is exactly how everybody looks. How is that not cutting it?
-“I think you look cute! In a non-mom way.” It’s kind of creepy that you find your daughter cute in a non-mom way. Does that mean you as a singular person find a teenager attractive?
-We’ve been introduced to Lola, the token black friend. In a horror movie, she would die first. Here, she’ll place last in the tournament.
-Lola is performing at open mic night. In true stereotypical fashion, she’s sassy and wants a good man.
-Did she choreograph with the dancers or are they freestyling? If it’s the latter, that’s rude.
-I haven’t heard this generic of a song since, well, “High School Musical”.
-“It’s all about the bling!” Disney’s version of bling are those cheap rings and necklaces you get out of quarter machines.
-Mitchie lied to the villainess about her mother being president of a music label in China to impress them. Here comes the forced message about accepting who you are and where you come from. Ugh!
-Now she’s lying about being in music videos. They can watch them for evidence, you dolt!
-Mitchie is moving into the cabin with the villainess. Don’t you need authorization for that? Why do I care?
-The villainess’ mother (a famous singer) constantly ignores her. Stop making your villains redeemable, Disney! It’s okay for them to be evil and spineless. That’s why they’re bad.
-“I threw a lot of my clothes away. I just got tired of them.” How is this supposed to make you cool, Mitchie?
-Want to play a drinking game if you ever get stuck watching this? Drink every time a character says “Wow!” You’ll succumb to alcohol poisoning by the time the end credits roll.
-Why are they surprised that Mitchie writes songs? Doesn’t everybody attending Camp Rock?
-“This isn’t real, this isn’t me. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.” This is an actual lyric from one of Mitchie’s songs. The title is “Confusing First World Problems”.
-Mitchie’s alarm clock went off. I bet she’ll write a moody song about that.
-Mitchie is sneaking out early in the morning to help her mother in the kitchen. She doesn’t want the popular girls to find out. Which means they will and nobody will care.
-Caitlyn feels rejected by Mitchie. Their meaningful one day acquaintance has been shaken to it’s very core by the villainess.
-The loose cannon sleeps in late. What a rebel!
-Why would you wait until five minutes before class to wake up one of your instructors? Bono Lite is a terrible camp director!
-Bono Lite chose Mitchie to sing and told her she can’t argue with the finger. If she does, then she has problems.
-“I know you’re singing a solo, but it’s so low that I can’t hear you.” That was a horrible pun!
-Mitchie is delivering a magnificent performance! That can’t be! She needs a dilemma to overcome. Nobody wants to hear a singer wax on about how good she is.
-“Who will I be?” Another Disney pop icon/washout.
-The villainess tricked Mitchie into being her backup singer by taunting her stage fright. You know, the stage fright she just overcame.
-Mitchie’s mother never gets angry at her for being late. Does this girl face any trouble?
-Mitchie is meeting the loose cannon for the first time with flour on her face. How wacky!
-Mitchie called out the loose cannon for being a jerk. You go girl!
-The loose cannon may have been a jerk, but he has a right to talk to the person in charge of the food if he’s allergic to what is normally being served.
-“What happened to the kid who just liked music?” He became a pop start and became cynical. It’s normal, actually.
-Why is there a Hip Hop Dance class? This is Camp Rock, not Camp Hip Hop.
-Joe Jonas is thrusting his body around. If you listen closely, you can hear the teenage girls swooning.
-They have saxophone water fountains at Camp Rock. I’ll admit, that’s awesome!
-Mitchie is ignoring her mother. And she criticized the loose cannon for being rude. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
-Mitchie is telling the girls that her mother used to cook for stars. Why not just make up that lie from the start? That way, you don’t have to pretend you’re not her daughter.
-“We call this the Campfire Jam. It’s about expression. The freedom to be who you really want to be!” No, it’s about singing in front of a campfire.
-The villainess is performing at the Campfire Jam. She’s singing about being popular and how she’s better than everybody else. Such a touching song.
-Mitchie seems unenthused to be singing backup. Who’s fault is that?
-“I can’t help the way I am!” Yes you can. Stop acting like a bitch. It’s that simple.
-“I’m too cool!” Which one are you? Scotty 2 Hotty, Grand Master Sexay or Rikishi?
-“Was that you playing? It sounded different.” “Different than my usual cookie cutter pop music stuff? Sorry to disappoint!” Whoa! Where did all of that pent-up rage come from?
-Mitchie told the loose cannon she liked his different sound and that made him smile goofily. Who knew complimenting a celebrity would make them happy?
-“You’re like a Camp Rock legend!” Being a Camp Rock legend is like being the best Spice Girl. It doesn’t really matter.
-The villainess poured spaghetti on Caitlyn for accidentally tripping her. I do the same thing to homeless people who ask me for change.
-Bono Lite is punishing Mitchie, Caitlyn and the villainess for fighting. All Mitchie was doing was trying to break it up. You could clearly tell that when you walked in on the fight. Why are you being such a dick? Oh yeah, he’s impersonating Bono. That answers it.
-“I hate when I have to be uncool!” You must hate yourself all the time then.
-Caitlyn is stuck on kitchen duty. That must suck! Right, Mitchie? Oh, wait…
-Why was Caitlyn being a bitch to Mitchie? She never stated that she ignited the fight. Caitlyn herself admitted to that. Mitchie didn’t get her in trouble at all.
-The loose cannon is running a song he’s been writing by Mitchie. Love is in the air and it stinks!
-So, the loose cannon’s answer to his cookie cutter pop music is by writing cookie cutter pop music? What?!?
-“It’s really good! And I don’t lie!” You’re such a liar, Mitchie!
-A pop star just called you different in a good way. Stop being moody, Mitchie!
-Mitchie is trying to hide herself from Caitlyn, who didn’t know she worked with her mother in the kitchen. I thought she already knew, but I could be wrong. I’m halfway through this film and I already forget half of it.
-Mitchie tripped in a water dish (?) and spilled chips all over herself. How embarrassing and telegraphed!
-When accused of being called a liar, Mitchie fought back at Caitlyn, calling her a liar too because she pretends not to care, but does. She stated that, if she didn’t care, she wouldn’t come to Camp Rock in the first place. Yes, because lying about who you are is the same as pretending to not care when someone calls you a name.
-Why would you tell someone they can come visit you and your famous mother in China when you know you can’t live up to it? Do you need another shovel, Mitchie, as you continue to dig yourself into a deeper hole?
-There’s going to be a Pajama Jam. How many gimmick events does this camp have? How long until Candy Jam?
-Caitlyn is performing at the Pajama Jam. But, I thought she didn’t care. What a liar.
-The villainess didn’t like that the loose cannon liked Caitlyn’s act, so she pretended that she thought a power chord was a snake. I don’t think the loose cannon will be impressed by stupidity.
-Mitchie stood up for Caitlyn. Way to quickly resolve an issue. Why am I complaining? The quicker the issues are resolved, the quicker this film finishes.
-Caitlyn was once friends with the villainess. What a shocking revelation! Actually, for it to be shocking, I’d have to actually care. Therefore, it’s just a revelation.
-“Being popular is so not a “So What?” My head hurts from so many so’s.
-Damn it! The brain dead one has returned via a phone call. And he’s still talking about birdhouses. Here’s a tip: make sense! It makes it much more easier for the viewer to warm up to you.
-Oh, and the nice one returned too. I forgot because he has no discerning characteristics. Even the brain dead one has his dimwittedness.
-The loose cannon is searching for the girl with the voice he heard earlier. Lo and behold, it’s actually Mitchie. What are the chances?
-Was “Start the Party” used in “High School Musical”? I swear I heard it in one of those films. Maybe it’s because all of these songs sound familiar.
-Mitchie and the loose cannon are canoeing. Maybe he’ll find his voice girl out there. Right after he gets hit with a paddle and gets some sense knocked into him. It’s clear it’s Mitchie. If the voice girl is the one that touched you and she right now is touching you (figuratively), you’d think you’d put two and two together. At the very least, you’d forget about the mystery voice girl and make a move on Mitchie. You’re a rock star. It’s not like you’re going to get turned down. Even if you do, you’ll have plenty of girls in line that will say yes.
-“Being a jerk is a part of the rock star image.” He’s got a point.
-“I know you’re not a jerk. I mean, you’re helping Andy with his dancing.” As we all know, jerks can’t help people with their dancing for their image.
-“Those screaming girls seem to like you.” I don’t know if that’s a plus or not.
-The villainess spotted Mitchie and the loose cannon spending time together. Engage bitch mode!
-How did the loose cannon hear about Mitchie’s rumored famous mother? It’s nothing but a mere coincidence so when Mitchie founded out, he can feel betrayed. Blah!
-The villainess spotted Mitchie with her real mother. Why is she just now coming to her senses in discovering the obvious?
-The loose cannon is Bono Lite’s nephew. No wonder he’s the Camp Rock legend. His uncle pulled some strings. What a crock!
-The other Jonas Brothers arrived at Camp Rock and all three are performing a song. I can hear those girls swooning again.
-They’re singing another cookie cutter pop music tune. Nothing of note here.
-Why would the label turn down the song they just played? It’s cookie cutter pop music that the girls went crazy for. Tell me again how it’s any different and goes against the cookie cutter pop music mold.
-“We are talking about finishing my birdhouse, right?” Enough with the Goddamned birdhouse!
-When I like a song, I too randomly high five people that had nothing to do with the song.
-The villainess is revealing Mitchie’s secret. Oh no. Whatever.
-“What’s your Mom like?” “Uh, she’s like a Mom.” Never let the Peanut Gallery speak.
-Come to think of it, Mitchie’s father owns a hardware store and her mother runs a relatively successful catering service. Why are they trying to make it seem as if Mitchie’s poor? Judging by her house and clothing and whatnot, her family is well off. Maybe not as rich as the villainess’, but they live comfortably. If you’re going to make the main character of low wealth, follow through with that.
-The loose cannon snapped on Mitchie for lying to him. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t remember her ever bringing up her fake mother or anything to him. Sure, she beat around the bush when he brought it up, but she never outright lied to him. Even if she did, it’s his fault for getting so connected to her after only a few fucking days!
-I love how all of the other campers don’t seem to care about Mitchie’s lies. Even they’re not invested in this story.
-The loose cannon and Bono Lite are having a heart to heart talk about Mitchie. Will he relate it to him being betrayed by The Edge Lite?
-The villainess overheard the loose cannon singing Mitchie’s song and stole her songbook in order to convince him that she’s the voice he’s been looking for. Wouldn’t he notice the voice doesn’t match? Not only that, but didn’t she already audition for him? She’s not the brightest bulb in the bunch, that’s for sure.
-“Mitchie, you are so not going to see Final Jam.” Lucky her!
-Mitchie is sitting in the corner in shame in class. Why show up in the first place?
-Mitchie is trying to convince her mother, and the audience, that she’s an outcast. Her mother’s not buying it and neither am I.
-Mitchie is standing up to the villainess. That was a quick breakthrough. Once again, why am I complaining? The quicker we get through this sappy crap, the faster this movie ends.
-“If it wasn’t obvious, you’re so out of the group.” Wasn’t she already out of the group?
Mitchie and Caitlyn are going to form their own group and perform in the Final Jam. Aren’t registrations closed now?
-A montage of everybody preparing for the Final Jam. What a bland way to kill some time!
-The villainess set Mitchie up to look as if she stole her bracelet. How blind is Bono Lite to fall for this?
-Mitchie and Caitlyn have been banned from the Final Jam. Give it a few minutes and this will be resolved.
-Goddamn it! The brain dead one (and the nice one) are back! Can’t I just have a boring film? Why make it annoying?
-The press will be covering the Final Jam competition. This will add another layer to the concert. It will still suck, but it’ll have another layer.
-“This was supposed to be a fun summer about music and all I did was get caught up in Tess drama.” Welcome to life. Nothing pans out as perfectly as you hoped. Get used to it.
-Mitchie just came to the realization that Bono Lite specified they were banned from activities until the end of the Final Jam. Therefore, they can perform immediately after it’s finished. I told you the dilemma would be solved in a matter of minutes.
-The villainess’ friends are snapping on her too. She’s finally getting her comeuppance (until the sequel where everything goes back to normal).
-“BTW, your lip gloss is so not glossy anymore!” You don’t say text acronyms in actual speech. You just say the words themselves. Ugh!
-If you win the Final Jam, you get to record a duet with the loose cannon. What are the nice one and brain dead one, chopped liver?
-Connect 3 will be the judges. Only one of them matters, though.
-Are we actually going to sit through all of the performances? We all know these extras that had no character development won’t win. Just skip them.
-The villainess’ mother showed up to the Final Jam to watch her daughter perform. I’m supposed to hate this girl, remember? Stop trying to make me feel sympathy for her.
-The villainess’ mother answered a phone call during her daughter’s performance. What part of I don’t care don’t you understand?
-The villainess ran to the back and started crying. I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE!
-One of the villainess’ ex-friends entered the competition at the last minute. What a drab turn of events.
-Flashbacks to the villainess and her friends? Really?!?
-The villainess complimented her friend and apologized for being a bitch. Guess what? I don’t care!
-Bono Lite is happy that Mitchie and Caitlyn caught on to his plan of letting them perform after the Final Jam. Here’s a thought: why not ban them from the Final Jam in the first place? If you had to punish them, you could have done it differently. Way to be a douche bag!
-Mitchie is performing a cookie cutter pop music song. She has learned from the loose cannon!
-The loose cannon discovered that Mitchie is his mystery voice girl. Somehow, this makes him forgive her for lying to him. Whatever, it’s making the film come to a close. That’s all that matters.
-The loose cannon is singing a duet with Mitchie. This just makes the Final Jam winner seem pointless. How rude!
-The villainess’ friend won the Final Jam. Good for her! I’m glad her (minimal) character development led to this triumphant victory.
-The villainess is complimenting Mitchie and apologizing to them. She also told Bono Lite they didn’t steal the bracelet. Couldn’t she have told him before the Final Jam concluded so they could still be in it? Why do I care?
-“See you next summer.” NO!
-“I’m sorry you didn’t win.” “But, I did. I won the best summer of my life thanks to you!” Who knew a hardware store owner and a successful caterer could help their daughter achieve her best summer ever?
-There’s a Final Jam jam session? Go fuck yourselves!
-Three months later, Caitlyn built a recording studio for all of her friends (which includes the villainess). I bet you that, in three months, I won’t even remember this movie. I sure hope I don’t!
-“We’re done, but it’s not over!” Yes it is! Just let the end credits roll in peace, please!
– “Our time is here!” What a horrible time it is!
That’s “Camp Rock”! It somehow found a way to be cheesier and less memorable than “High School Musical”. At least that film had an image. This one reeks of cash in and none of the songs are catchy or memorable. Notice how I was able to extract content from HSM’s musical numbers, but not this one? There’s a reason for that. Here’s hoping the sequel isn’t as bad, as that’s next week’s induction.
I’ll see you all next week!