Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! With the release of “Prometheus”, I decided to induct “Alien 2: On Earth”. What’s that? You haven’t heard of “Alien 2”? You’ve only heard of “Aliens”, which you were certain was the second film in the “Alien” franchise? Don’t worry; that film is. “Alien 2” is a cheap knockoff trying to cash in on Ridley Scott’s success. Though they partially did (it garnered them attention), the film itself is an abomination.
So kick back, relax, grab your face hugger (who I hope you named “Teddy”) and enjoy my torture of “Alien 2: On Earth”!
-We open with a shot of a “restricted” sign. Ridley Scott should have placed that on his script of “Alien”.
-Now we’re in a space shuttle. Is this the first found footage film?
-“The space shuttle is expected to enter the stratosphere at exactly blah blah blah.” Even the actors don’t find this film worthwhile.
-“Can you hear me?” The world’s first mobile phone spokesperson?
-“We’ve got a job to do!” We have to watch “Alien”!
-“Make sure you superimpose the stock footage sign or the audience will think it’s live.” They’re just begging me to make a joke regarding stock footage.
-Is this a rip-off of “Alien” or an educational video on NASA’s media blitz?
-Nothing moves a plot along like watching cars drive.
-Why are cavemen working for NASA?
-You know what “Alien” was missing? Groovy 70’s music. Glad “Alien 2” picked up on that.
-The music was done by Oliver Onions. What a name!
-Why is that cop dressed as if he just walked off the set of “Logan’s Run”?
-I like how it states that Sam Cromwell wrote, produced and directed this film. You’d think they’d put an asterisk at the bottom thanking Ridley Scott.
-That whole rush through traffic was to arrive early for an interview? Really?!?
-Why are they using a backdrop of a cave (on blue screen) for the interview? Is that to spice things up? Would people be bored with a city outline or normal newsgroup backdrop?
-The interview is about, and I quote, “The wonderful world of caves and caverns!” Sounds like a Disney attraction.
-“Today at the studio, we have a very special guest.” Way to ruin the illusion that you’re in a cave! What an amateur!
-“What makes an attractive girl like you to go exploring underground?” There’s less sleazy men with terrible pickup lines down there.
-“To begin with, there’s not much traffic down there.” My joke was better.
-You know what was missing from “Alien”? Discussions on caves.
-The interviewer asked Thelma (the cave expert) how low below sea level the cave was. She face palmed. What the hell?!?
-She keeps saying, “It’s passed now.” What’s passed now? Do you have a rare case of face palming? Do you take medication for it?
-Their explanation for Thelma’s face palming is that she’s telepathic. Are you freaking kidding me?!?
-I love how the director said they got all the footage they needed. The entire interview consisted of Thelma saying she explores caves. Worst. Interview. Ever.
-No wonder the director decided against continuing the interview with Thelma. They’ve got live footage of astronauts parachuting back to Earth. That’s much better than slimy cave talk.
-Why does this footage of parachuting remind me of sperm floating through an egg?
-Who parachutes into water? You think you’d be able to measure between land and water.
-It turns out he was aiming for a ship. Why not just fly the helicopter over land? There’s no sense in trying to land on a ship.
-The pilot looks a lot like Saddam Hussein. Is the alien in question illegal?
-Thelma left the studio to get a close up look of the parachute landing. Her partner (who looks like he plays lead guitar in a seedy garage band) is too cool for that. He’ll stay in the car and smoke. What a cool bastard!
-Judging by the shots of the perimeter, they could have easily parachuted on land. Why not just do that?
-A little kid just fell over a log. Was there a point to that or does the director just get off on watching children get hurt?
-Why is there dramatic and tense music overplaying an astronaut sailing on a boat to shore?
-The chain smoking hipster is actually Thelma’s boyfriend. Weird, she doesn’t look like a floozy.
-Thelma apparently has nightmares of monsters. I have nightmares about bad movies. We’ve all got problems. At least I face mine.
-“These monsters you feel surround you, maybe they’re there, maybe they’re not there.” Are we sure these monsters that surround her aren’t just people?
-The little boy that tripped over a log found a blue stone. I’ll laugh hysterically if that doesn’t come into play whatsoever.
-You know what “Alien” was missing? Bowling.
-Who asks a couple if they’re still together? Clearly they are. That or they’re both happy with a break up and are flaunting it at a bowling alley.
-“Never say die.” Never say copyright, either.
-One of Thelma’s friends was losing at bowling, but he came back in the end after going double or nothing on a strike. This has nothing to do with the plot, but Cromwell felt it was crucial to include.
-Did that cave explorer just say he suffers from claustrophobia? Why would you take up that profession then?
-One of the explorers is a writer. When asked about progress on his latest book, he responded “Just another two thousand pages to go.” He does know books don’t have to be that long, right? Around five hundred usually suffices.
-Why is Thelma so entranced with a little girl on the beach?
-The kid got up and Thelma shouted, “No!” That’s usually a tell-tale sign of a child molester.
-The little girl spotted a monster. How nobody else noticed this in broad daylight is beyond me.
-Instead of yelling for your daughter, why not go find her? Just a thought.
-The little girl got her face eaten. I bet people will blame it on a zombie apocalypse.
-So, Thelma predicted something was going to happen to the little girl due to her telepathy. Can she predict the lawsuit that’s coming their way?
-Apparently, there are no traces of the astronauts. Then who was that parachuting earlier?
-Nice product placement of Crush orange soda. I’m sure they’ll be happy to have their likeness used in this film. Their sales must have went through the roof.
-Are these long and drawn out shots of them driving supposed to show the director’s artistry? If so, it’s failing.
-I guess setting this film in a cave differentiates it from “Alien”. Following the same basic plot and calling it “Alien 2” doesn’t help your case of it being a rip-off, though.
-How is Bert being an asshole to the women in the restroom? He has to pee and asking for them to hurry up. If anything, they’re being rude by purposely taking long to change.
-Bert found a rock while pissing. True story.
-Now they started to leave without Bert and made him chase them. What dicks!
-“I found it where people find things.” That is an actual line of dialogue in this film. Did Cromwell ever graduate elementary school?
-They’re finally in the caves. And this one isn’t a blue screen effect.
-I love how they all turned their flashlights on at different times, making a dramatic effect that somehow perfectly bounced off the music score.
-The music score is reminding me of the theme to “Freddy’s Nightmares”. Was the composer of that show a fan of this movie?
-Who brings a typewriter into a cave?
-“How come you always type by candlelight?” He’s in a cave. He has to type by candlelight in order to see, dimwit.
-He uses the candlelight to burn his terrible writing. I feel the same way. When I write something terrible, I too like to risk lighting my surroundings on fire. It’s a metaphor.
-When your movie is boring, there’s only one way to fix it; boobs!
-“You can’t ruin every second of the day like this.” I know. I could be spending my time wisely and watching something much better.
-Nothing says erotic like a damp cave.
-Now they’re turning their flashlights on at the exact same time. It’s like they choreographed this.
-“Hey, look! Over here!” I found some rocks!
-They took a group photo, but there’s too much light. That’s right, there’s too much light in a cave. Let that sink in.
-The stone Bert got earlier is beating like a heart. I guess that old adage of a heart of stone was literal.
-An alien hurled out of the rock and into the one woman’s face. Seem familiar?
-I don’t think a first aid kit is going to help repair a missing face.
-“Maybe we can save her.” She doesn’t have a face! Even if you could save her, would it be worth it at that point?
-“Do you think you can remember where you’ve been?” Is he asking the girl or the alien? If it’s the latter, it was seen in theaters worldwide.
-Did he find Jill (the faceless one)? If so, that other woman is a lying bitch! She still has a face.
-“She’s still alive!” She also has a face. Why not bring that up?
-“Her face is intact.” That other lady needs to put a quarter in the Lying Jar.
-The woman is intent that Jill’s face was devoured. Is it possible that the alien can shape shift? Or is this woman a filthy liar? Stay tuned to find out!
-Jill is being wheeled to a higher ground of the cave on a stretcher. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen too many cartoons, but I find this hysterical. I keep expecting her to swing wildly into the walls with kooky sound effects playing.
-Jill looks like she fell asleep. She must have watched a rough cut of this film.
-I’ll give Cromwell credit. He’s trying to build tension. Too bad all of this lingering takes place in a boring film.
-Jill’s face is beating like a heart. She’s a rock!
-The alien popped out of her face. It’s different because it wasn’t her stomach.
-I love how her eyeball resembled a googly arts and craft eye once it popped out of her head.
-The alien resembles a paper machete bat. Not that terrifying, really.
-One of the guys (we shall call him Stock Character #6) was choked to death. His head even fell off. I guess if Cromwell couldn’t best “Alien”, he’d make it gorier.
-“We’re getting out of here!” This is usually one’s thought when they see their friend decapitated.
-“How the hell are we going to get up again?” Viagra.
-Fifty minutes in and Cromwell finally delivers a boo scare. I guess he couldn’t resist the temptation.
-This cave used to double as an underground river. That means that, within a couple hundred miles, they may reach the sea. Attempting to climb the rocky exterior with their bare hands seems like a better option. Not an easier one (or highly possible), but better.
-“How could those astronauts disappear?” They could have accidentally (or purposely) ejected into space.
-“This was once an underground lake.” Is it a lake or a river? Make up your mind!
-It looks like they bought their electrical equipment at a dollar store.
-Is she being attacked by an alien or a bat?
-“Who’s there?” Who else would be there?
-The score isn’t providing any tension. It’s just making my head bop.
-The woman that stated that Jill was faceless is having her face eaten. Is that irony?
-The blood in this film resembles spaghetti sauce.
-When shifting scenes, you don’t simply cut off the score in mid-beat. You slowly scale it down until it’s silent.
-For a film that takes place in a cave, I’m not getting much of a claustrophobic feel. Maybe it’s the head bopping score that’s distracting me.
-How do we know Thelma can’t use her telepathy? There’s a green glow emitting around her eyes, which is meant to symbolize the alien(s) preventing her from using it. A simpler solution would have been to not give her telepathy in the first place. Cromwell seemingly forgets about it anyway until it’s convenient to the story.
-She’s sending telepathic messages to… what’s his face. Why didn’t she send a message to the little girl earlier? Plot holes!
-It looks like sausage links are attacking him.
-What’s his face is back, but he’s acting strange. He’s acting emotionless. Actually, that’s not strange at all. The actor’s been like that the whole time. Carry on.
-Thelma’s hair is flowing elegantly in the wind. If she’s going to be trapped in a cave, she’s going to have to look good.
-Thelma used her telepathy to blow up what’s his face’s head and reveal the alien (which looks like a bloody health class skeleton). Why not?
-The one guy who’s secretly in love with Thelma sacrificed himself to save her. Nothing says love like being devoured by sausage links.
-They escaped the cave. Wait a second. There’s no way they hiked as many miles as they were supposed to. Not only that, but it appears they’re escaping from the top of the cave. I thought they couldn’t climb without the rope, hence why they were trekking through a secret route. So many plot holes, so little time.
-Thelma yelled stop, then they got in the car. If she can sense danger (like she did earlier with the little girl), why follow through with the reason you were stopping? It’s clear she had a fear of going into the car. Why brush it off?
-They found a police car randomly sitting on top of a cave. How convenient.
-Shouldn’t the highway patrol be on the highway?
-“Let’s go into town.” Why didn’t you think of that in the first place?
-Nobody is in town. Either they’ve had their faces eaten off or they’re all at the movies seeing “Alien”.
-All of the phones are dead, too. Are they being stalked by aliens or a serial killer?
-“We’re just wasting our time here.” You can say that again.
-Nobody’s at the bowling alley. It’s just like real life.
-The bowling pins are being set up, despite nobody playing. I guess the aliens find it amusing to mess with the bowling system. That or they’re about to play a game.
-The video games are playing themselves. Is that considered masturbation?
-Thelma’s boyfriend shouted for her in sheer terror. My immediate reaction was, “Oh no! Not that character I don’t really care about.”
-Enough with the head bopping music! It’s ruining any minimal tension that was built.
-My copy of the film is being a bit jumpy, so I can’t tell if she’s seeing her boyfriend being devoured or simply the alien staring her down. What I do know is that I don’t care.
-The alien is chasing after her. Our POV shot is from what appears to be the alien’s stomach. That or it’s eye continues to open and shut randomly and in a weird, flubby motion. That and the alien’s eyes are covered in spoiled meat.
-She ran outside to a ghost town screaming for help. Maybe she’ll get lucky and the sole survivor will be a talent agent.
-It ends with her lying defeated in the middle of the empty town. Okay then.
That’s “Alien 2: On Earth”. It’s not bad in the sense of being offensive and horrifically painful. It’s just very boring and a clear rip-off of Alien. If it wasn’t dubbed “Alien 2” and garnered attention that way (whether it be out of curiosity or lawsuits), nobody would even be really speaking about it today. It’s possible they’d forget about it and mistake it for one of the other dozen cheap alien flicks out there. That’s a worse crime than anything.
I’ll see you all in two weeks!