Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! This week, Dennis Rodman plays basketball with dwarfs. With a description like that, you know it would be a Movienalia induction. Here, Dennis Rodman plays himself, which is a vast improvement over his role in “Simon Sez”. He’s still not that good, but what do you expect from this film?
So kick back, relax, grab your dwarf friend (but not a midget) and enjoy my torture of “The Minis”!
-Why is there old-timey footage of a father talking to his son in a basketball court?
-“Roger, do you believe in yourself?” Nope! Roger believes he’s fake.
-Roger gets a hug for believing in himself. Pfft. I believe in myself and all I get is a kick in the ass.
-How do we go from a tender moment between a father and son to a rap music video highlighting Venice Beach?
-The Minis Inc. is presenting this film. Who would have guessed?
-The dots in the I’s are basketballs. How (un)clever.
-If this film is dependent on me finding dwarfs playing basketball funny, then this is going to a painful viewing.
-“Dwarfs, not midgets!” We’re not associated with those freaks!
-Roger’s son, Chris, is of normal height. I wonder how many times that’s going to come into play.
-The bullies in this film looked like they walked off the set of an Aeropostale photo shoot.
-Is Roger’s friend doing a Verne Troyer impersonation?
-Why are they laughing at Roger just barely missing a shot from the three point zone? It’s pretty impressive that he nearly got it in.
-The bullies are leaving. Did they really just walk by to laugh at the dwarfs?
-Why are you disappointed in your father, Chris? He almost made a shot that’s difficult for those over six feet tall. Be proud!
-Roger is trying to swat the basketball down from the net with a giant plant. If you find the premise of this funny, you’ll love this movie! If not, you’ll have more fun watching the clock tick away.
-“We always fall short.” How many of these lame puns are we going to get?
-The Verne Troyer look-a-like, Chevy, has a crush on a dumb blonde. You can do better than that, buddy.
-Is she seriously asking Chevy if he knows his own name? He’s not a dumb blonde, you are. Get it right.
-Dumb blonde is from Paris, Texas. With her horrible Southern accent, I’d guess she’s from California trying to pass herself off as a Texan.
-According to dumb blonde, her boyfriend (a tall hunk) plays real basketball. What is Chevy playing, imaginary basketball? Were those basketballs I seen him playing with earlier a figment of his imagination?
-She just patted Chevy on the head. He’s a person, not a dog, you bitch (no pun intended)!
-Chris is playing basketball and being cheered on by his father. Don’t worry, it’s real basketball, not imaginary.
-Dennis Rodman will be playing himself. I’ll laugh if he somehow botches that performance.
-Chris dropped the ball and a fellow player stated, “Like father, like son”. I don’t remember seeing Roger fumbling the ball. Unless, because he’s small, he’s supposed to automatically do that. This joke/insult holds no merit.
-Chris is moping in his room about the basketball game. From what I seen, he only dropped the ball once and made quite a few baskets. Nothing to be ashamed of, kid. Seriously, he’s overly melodramatic.
-What basketball loving teenager has better things to do than meet Dennis Rodman? Is he meeting Michael Jordan instead?
-Chris didn’t make it into college and slammed the door on his father’s face (not before calling him Roger). At least now he has a reason to be dramatic.
-Can we please stop cutting from scene to scene with fast cuts of Venice Beach? This is a movie, not a sitcom.
-“He doesn’t look up to me.” “Dude, don’t you need a ladder for him to do that?” Why does Chevy keep making pathetic height jokes?
-Chevy wants an operation so he can be taller. That way, he’ll play basketball better and get the dumb blonde. Would it be horrible of me to recommend investing in stilts? It’s a lot cheaper and I’m sure the dumb blonde will fall for it. As for getting past the basketball rules and regulations, it’s called bribing.
-Roger and Chevy are entering a basketball tournament to win fifty thousand dollars. How many contests does Venice Beach run that fifty thousand dollars is a regular prize?
-Roger is rounding up some of his dwarf friends to join his team. It’s uplifting, I’ll give them that.
-One of the dwarfs is sitting on a high chair. There goes that uplifting spirit.
-“Those guys in Venice play real basketball!” What’s with this real basketball jargon? Is there a fake basketball that I’m not aware of? One that includes bouncy balls and pogo sticks?
-One of Roger’s friends looks like a Garbage Pail Kid. Not because of his size, more because of his face.
-“If we believe in ourselves, nothing’s impossible.” I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. However, if I try, the only place I’ll be flying to is my grave.
-Roger and Chevy convinced their friends to join their team. How do they celebrate? By playing basketball to cheesy music. Laugh, damn you!
-Chevy fell into a trash can. Wocka wocka!
-“We need a giant!” Call Billy Crystal. He may loan you his.
-Roger is going to enlist Dennis Rodman to his team. Doesn’t that go against the inspirational spirit of the team?
-Dennis Rodman will play on their team if he gets paid. Oh, I’m sorry. That’s how he’d appear in this movie.
-Rodman is being fed lines to give a motivational speak (he originally was telling the crowd to be greedy). This is actually funny and clever. How long until we get another height joke?
-“If you do your best, you’ll always be a winner.” What if I do my best at being a loser? Then what am I? Actually, I have the answer to that question. I’d be Jason Biggs.
-You’re telling me that Dennis Rodman only attracted roughly twelve people and they’re all bored? What alternate dimension does this film exist in?
-The dwarfs are chasing after Dennis Rodman. I’m used to seeing this happen all the time, except the dwarfs are paparazzi.
-Dennis Rodman believes he’s getting Punk’d. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is all ad-libbed.
-“Time is money.” If that’s the case, I’m using watches as currency.
-“Who needs Rodman anyway?” The Dallas Mavericks.
-Chevy’s waitress friend, Lorraine, is a dwarf. Considering Roger’s comment earlier about Chevy not wanting to date dwarves, how much do you want to bet these two end up together? As clichéd as it is, I hope he chooses her over the dumb blonde. She actually has a personality and an IQ.
-When Chevy told her he wanted to be a basketball player, she laughed it off. Why is everybody a prick in this movie? I know dwarves playing basketball is unordinary, but it’s a believable dream.
-Lorraine stopped being mean and told Chevy that, if he wants to play basketball, then he should. Way to quickly backtrack.
-When Chevy stated that he was a dwarf, Lorraine made the greatest sarcastic face ever. It’s times like these I wish I did video reviews.
-“I want people to respect me, I want people to like me for who I am and I want to win the basketball tournament.” Luckily for you, you’re in a movie, where miracles can actually happen.
-Enough of these jerky shots of Venice Beach. I get that’s where the film is set. I don’t need to be bludgeoned over the head with it.
-Dennis Rodman’s agent said he made him a freak for the money, but they’ve run out of things to do. You could always do a “Simon Sez” sequel. Oh, wait. You said you wanted money, not to lose some. Never mind.
-“We need a gimmick.” How about Dennis Rodman, the astronaut farmer?
-Dennis Rodman is going to play with the dwarfs for publicity. Too bad that publicity didn’t pay off for the film.
-I love how Rodman’s agent has a few people on hold simply to fire them. If the film was filled with more jokes like this, it’d be better.
-The agent is naming off dwarfs from “Snow White”. One minute, he’s making me laugh. The next, he’s making me cringe.
-“You may be little, but I’m going to make you big!” Did they read through those joke books you find at a dollar store for material?
-“I want every inch of you!” Is the agent coming on to The Minis?
-“I smell endorsements. I smell commercials. I smell your own comedy special.” I smell a shitty movie.
-“I smell a mini-series.” That joke literally hurt me. It made my head pound (against the wall).
-“What about short film?” Oh, come on!
-A montage of the Minis training by lifting weights and doing pull ups. What’s next? Are they going to go pole vaulting?
-The song playing over the montage has wonderful lyrics such as “I’m not a little boy, I’m not an dollar toy.” I think I’m going to hurl.
-“I think we may have a problem.” You think?!?
-“We need to be more creative.” I never thought Dennis Rodman would be the one speaking logically.
-How is dancing preparing them for basketball?
-Who are these random dancers and why are they eating up screen time? Shouldn’t they be in a straight to video “Stomp the Yard” sequel?
-Chris is angry at his father for playing basketball and trying to earn him a college tuition. Why is he such an angst-ridden asshole?
-The dumb blonde just called Chevy “Chimney”. Who would even think someone is named Chimney?
-The dumb blonde’s house is filled with plush cow dolls and furniture painted with cow spots. I’ve heard of creepy fetishes, but this one takes the prize.
-“So, this is what Mad Cow Disease looks like.” Chevy proves that he’s not just about bad height jokes. He also has an arsenal of lame animal jokes. What diversity!
-Why would someone want to be Miss Bovine?
-Chevy playing basketball with Dennis Rodman makes him suddenly attractive to the dumb blonde. All he needs now is money and a farm filled with cows and he’ll be set.
-More shots of Venice Beach. This film doubles as a travelogue for Venice Beach.
-Lorraine is jealous of the dumb blonde. Jealous isn’t the best word. She’s just angry an airhead such as her is winning Chevy’s heart. I don’t think anybody would be jealous of someone who probably can’t even spell her own name.
-The woman interviewing the Minis is beyond obnoxious. She makes Joan Rivers’ daughter look refined.
-According to this movie, living the American dream is doing lousy photoshoots. Actually, that’s pretty accurate.
-Since when is dwarfs wearing swimgear funny?
-Mini-mania is running wild, brother!
-The Minis have their own merchandise. I swear if they come in mini-size, I’ll snap.
-“Action figures? Are they life size?” That’s close enough. Time to snap.
-There’s going to be a Minis video game. The characters are going to be dots.
-If they’re making so much funny from endorsements, can’t they put Chris through college without winning the tournament?
-Chris volunteers at the hospital. I bet he walks around whining about how bad his life is to cancer patients.
-“You can’t buy your son with money.” You can only buy him with coupons.
-Chris is getting picked on for having a famous father. How exactly does this work out?
-They’re taunting Chris by informing him his father is famous. How is that insulting?
-Chris is standing up for his father. Of course, he does this when his father isn’t around. He needs to keep his cred around the old man.
-Did you know Venice Beach has carnivals? If not, this movie will prove it with random shots of a carnival in Venice Beach! Hooray!
-What wife demands that her husband dances with a model?
-Why is Chris acting mopey at this party? He was just defending his father a minute ago. Now that he’s around him, he has to act as if his life is Hell? Get your act together, kid!
-Dennis Rodman is convincing Chevy that getting an operation to make him taller is ludicrous. This would be touching if Rodman wasn’t clearly phoning in his performance.
-The Minis are dancing with average sized women. Oh, the hilarity.
-The one Mini’s wife attacked the model for dancing with her husband. Now that’s a sensible woman!
-Chris’ problem is that he doesn’t want to play basketball. Then just say so! Stop sulking and expect everybody to figure out what you want to do.
-Chris wants to be a clown. He does know clowns are supposed to be cheerful, right?
-Chris wants to go to clown school in Paris, France. Why Paris? Is their clown school refined?
-The dumb blonde keeps avoiding having sex with Chevy. How obvious is it that he should dump her?
-A montage of the Minis playing basketball that isn’t resorting to laughs? Where did this come from?
-The agent wants to run a national commercial where the Minis dress as babies to sell diapers. Who in their right mind would think this is a good idea? Who in their wrong mind would think this is a good idea?
-He also wants them to do a commercial for hemorrhoids. Why?!?
-Even Dennis Rodman doesn’t like it when you call dwarfs midgets.
-Chevy is the only Mini that wants to go through with the commercial. That’s because he has a comedy gold mine in diaper commercials.
-When Dennis Rodman thinks a commercial is degrading, you know you’ve hit a new low.
-Dennis Rodman used to work at a 7-Eleven. He used the slushies as hair dye.
-The Minis taught Dennis Rodman that life is more than just money. It’s also about height jokes.
-Dumb blonde just told Chevy that, if he’s not a Mini, it won’t work out between the two of them. What if he was a farmer?
-Chevy is consoling in Lorraine. About time he got his head on straight.
-“I’m not going to tell you I told you so, but I told you so.” You said you weren’t going to say that! You liar!
-Chevy is apologizing to Roger and the team is getting back together. That was the quickest breakup ever!
-Dennis Rodman is also back on the team. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a team breakup resolved this quickly. If you went to the bathroom in the last few minutes, you wouldn’t even know they broke up.
-The Minis are hugging Dennis Rodman. It looks like the face huggers from the “Alien” movies are attacking a giant.
-Dennis Rodman is making all of the shots for the Minis. They didn’t even need to practice. What a waste of time those montages were.
-“The Minis just won the first game.” No way! What a shocker!
-“We saw a little too little from our little players.” Did you know the Minis were little?
-“Five fingers make a fist.” Five critics make a hand with five thumbs pointing down.
-Dennis Rodman’s entire dialogue in the locker room talk was to point and smile. He’s like Sin Cara without the mask.
-The Minis are actually playing this round. Rejoice!
-Dennis Rodman just tossed Chevy into the net and broke the glass. Isn’t that technically against the rules?
-“The Minis have won again!” I’ll be damned!
-Dumb blonde is trying to win Chevy’s heart back. He wisely turned her down. Good for him!
-Lorraine and Chevy are finally hooking up. Who bet five bucks on them hooking up?
-Now we have a montage of The Minis preparing for their big game. I think this movie is trying to break the record for most montages in one film.
-Chevy is driving a big jeep. Are you laughing yet?
-The final game has The Minis squaring off against the Venice Vipers. Is Randy Orton the team captain?
-Roger just told one of his opponents to invest in breath mints. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that joke, I’d be a millionaire.
-The Venice Vipers may be the most generic basketball team I’ve ever seen. It’s as if they just came off an assembly line.
-Chris is in the audience wearing a clown nose. Why not go all out and dress completely as a clown?
-Chevy just pulled down one of the player’s pants. Isn’t that against the rules?
-Dennis Rodman hurt his knee. You can’t cop out of this movie now!
-The Minis have ten minutes to find a replacement. If they don’t, they either play by themselves or forfeit the game. Though they’d be at a disadvantage, them being able to continue is a good thing.
-Chris is going to substitute for Dennis Rodman. The last time a clown substituted for Dennis Rodman was when Dane Cook tried to devour his screen time in “Simon Sez”.
-Is Chris going to play with the clown nose on?
-“If any crowd knows crazy, it’s a Venice crowd.” You know, because Venice is world renowned for crazy crowds.
-Chris took the clown nose off for the game. Boo!
-Roger just punched a player in the nuts. How are they not getting disqualified for this?
-The Minis are making a human ladder. This comes ill-equipped with graphics that resemble the heavens shining down on them. This came out of nowhere.
-Wouldn’t making a human ladder also be illegal? How many rules are these guys breaking?
-Why would all of the Vipers be surrounding Chris? I don’t care if he has the ball. Somebody should be blocking the other four. How did they make it this far? Were the other teams blind?
-The human ladder dunked the ball, but they didn’t get the point because it was an illegal formation. It’s about damn time the ref started docking them!
-The Vipers win and the crowd boos. To be fair, the Minis had been cheating throughout the game. Not the best role models if you ask me.
-Dennis Rodman appeared out of nowhere to complain. He’s walking perfectly fine, despite just injuring his knee. Way to sell, buddy.
-Dennis faked an injury so The Minis could prove themselves. I think he just forgot to sell and they winged it.
-The Minis are being cheered on by the crowd. Poor Vipers. They get no love.
-“When I grow up, I want to be a dwarf.” That’s an occupation?
-Chevy is running to the diner to be with Lorraine. You’d think she could take off for the big game.
-Do we really need a recap of their relationship? It’s a short movie (no pun intended). It’s not hard to forget what we just seen.
-Roger’s wife is playing the family video from the beginning of the film on the Jumbo tron. Did we really need to see that again?
-Roger and Chris are hugging, just like Roger and his father in the video. The crowd goes home happy.
That’s “The Minis”. Honestly, it’s not a bad film. It has it’s heart in the right place and will please it’s target audience (small children). It’s a short film (no pun intended) and is never offensive (outside of the lame jokes). It’s just too clichéd and forced for it to really work with me. I didn’t hate the film. I just tolerated it. Not high praise, but that’s uncommon for me to say with an induction.
I’ll see you all in two weeks!
-Who are these random dancers and why are they eating up screen time? Shouldn’t they be in a straight to video “Stomp the Yard” sequel?