Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! This week I finally cover a film I’ve been meaning to induct for months. It stars Sylvester Stallone, who will surely pop up frequently. It also stars Estelle Getty, who I hope doesn’t pop up again (for her sake and mine). It’s called “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”. The title alone makes it worthy of being inducted.
As for why I pushed it off for so long, I don’t have any specific reason. Other films simply got in the way. Maybe I was subconsciously trying to avoid this train wreck. That I’d rather chill with a Leprechaun in the hood or take a trip to New York with Arnold Schwarzenegger than watch Stallone pal around with his on screen mom. Whatever the case may be, it’s finally taking it’s rightful place in the Movienalia wing. And just in time for Mother’s Day (a day late, mind you)! I promise you that was unintentional.
So kick back, relax, grab your mother and enjoy my torture of “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”!
-I never expected Sylvester Stallone and Estelle Getty to share top billing together.
-“Can you believe this? The bad guys late!” Actually, the bad guys have already been arrested. They were originally going to appear in this film, but the courts deemed that too harsh a punishment.
-“I’m telling you, man. I don’t trust this dude!” Remember when he told us “Rhinestone” was going to be an entertaining comedy?
-“I could be Elvis, I could be the Wizard of Oz and I could he at home watching the Lakers.” Sylvester Stallone as Elvis Presley (who just so happens to be the Wizard of Oz) watching the Lakers sounds like a better idea than this!
-Why exactly is Stallone shooting the bad guys? They haven’t finished the undercover sting operation yet. They have no evidence, which is the whole reason they waited two hours for them. Think, Sly, think!
-If you shoot Sly’s partner in the ass, you’ll piss him off! Just a heads up.
-Sly shot a sign that landed on the bad guys. That may be the most creative thing we’ll see in this film.
-I don’t think a phone would ring up to eighty times. It’d most likely go to voicemail at the ten mark. I guess it’s “funnier” for Stallone to count the rings while his girlfriend ignores his call than to have him leave a voicemail.
-“Is it true you used Tony’s butt for cover?” A question one doesn’t get asked often.
-Sly’s boss looks like Sigourney Weaver. If only she were as talented as her.
-Wait a minute. If Sly and his boss are dating, then why is she complaining about him not calling? We seen her packing her bags and ignoring the call in the last scene. Unless Sly has a hussy on the side. You dog, Sly!
-It turns out Sly was calling his mother. That’s what he’s telling us, anyway. I believe he was calling his agent to complain.
-“That is the most pathetic excuse I’ve ever heard!” It’d be more pathetic if he said he was calling his mother’s aunt’s neighbor’s uncle.
-“She isn’t anybody. She’s my mom!” Your mom isn’t anybody? How rude!
-“You run away from responsibility. You run away from commitments.” The only thing he doesn’t run away from is a paycheck.
-When Stallone gets dumped, he goes fishing. That’s the manly way to handle it!
-“Please, God, make her pick up!” I’m sure God has better plans than to make your mother pick up the phone.
-Do we really need to see Sly touching up his hair at an airport window?
-Sly was a bed wetter when he was a kid. He could have used that to his advantage in the “Rocky” movies. No boxer wants to get pissed on.
-“My pee-pee got stuck in my zipper!” Having Estelle Getty utter lines like this isn’t funny. It’s juvenile!
-If his mother was packing her bags to board the airplane, then why was Stallone just trying to call her? She obviously left already for her plane ride. Think, Sly, think!
-Estelle has a small dog that she clothes in pink attire. I didn’t know she was a fashion model. I guess the “shoot” in the title is referring to a photo shoot.
-Estelle showed everybody on the plane baby photos of Sly. Where is the humor in this?
-“You know, you look real sexy in those diapers!” Did she just call Stallone as a baby sexy?
-Estelle ignored Sly’s calls because he constantly called to cancel her visit due to it being a “bad time”. Simply ignoring the call doesn’t mean he can’t cancel the plan. Think, Estelle, think!
-Sly just called a trucker a moron because his truck broke down. What a dick!
-Sly got a call to a scene of a jumper. If the jumper’s name is Adrian and we get a reference to “Rocky”, I’m out!
-Estelle is afraid that her son will get hurt in helping the jumper. Thus begins many annoying jokes about Estelle being overly protective. Oh joy.
-The jumper is apparently having problems with his mother. Coincidence? I think not!
-Estelle stole the megaphone and is speaking to the jumper. Maybe she’ll convince him that, if he steps back inside shortly, he’ll be out of this movie and possibly salvage his career.
-Estelle wants Sly to wave to the crowd. I’m positive it’s not police procedural to do this, but it should be.
-The jumper got angry at Sly for swearing at his mother. You teach him a lesson, random guy!
-“It’s your mother and you do what she tells you to do?” What if she tells you to shoot the president? Do you do that because she told you to? Think, random guy, think!
-The man is threatening to jump if Sly doesn’t wave to the crowd. I’m dead serious (no pun intended).
-Why is Sly embarrassed that he was a small child? It’s not like he’s small now. Unless she was referring to something else.
-She’s showing the crowd pictures of Sly when he was young. Ahem, there is a man attempting suicide. Now’s not the time to stroll down memory lane.
-The jumper retreated and went back inside after seeing how bad Sly has it. If there’s one thing that makes this film worthwhile, it’s that you can use it to save someone’s life. If they feel like jumping, just tell them it could be worse. You could be Sylvester Stallone and having to star alongside Estelle Getty in a film called “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”.
-“I’m telling you. That guy needs help.” The joke here is that a suicidal man feels Stallone needs help. I know it’s not funny, but that’s the joke.
-Estelle doesn’t like her son’s house because it’s filled with dust. This isn’t funny!
-Estelle packed a whole suitcase full of canned pineapple chunks. You know, because she couldn’t buy any in California. Think, Estelle, think!
-Estelle is vacuuming in the middle of the night. If she’s having problems sleeping, she could read the script for this movie. That’ll put her right out!
-Stop asking Sly to prevent your mother from ignoring you! That’s selfish and a waste of his powers.
-Estelle is cleaning Sly’s gun. Reading that out of context will create nightmares for many.
-If his gun won’t work because it got wet, I’m going to go ballistic. Sly’s guns got drenched in “Rambo III”, yet they still worked. By that logic, they should work in this film too.
-She’s cleaning the bullets, too. Weird, she only discarded a few. I thought this being a Stallone film, there would be an unlimited amount pouring out.
-If I woke up to Estelle Getty pointing a gun to my face, I’d shit bricks!
-“Go ahead! Make your bed!” Really? We’re going to butcher the famous line from “Dirty Harry”? Really?!?
-Estelle walked in on Sly taking a shower. Embarrassment doesn’t equal comedy.
-Sly doesn’t like being stared at by dogs while he showers. Good to know.
-Sly is being forced to eat Cocoa Puffs. Worst product placement ever!
-“We’re not off to a very good start.” You can say that again!
-There is a gun shop called Waldo’s World. It’s like a violent version of “Elmo’s World”.
-Estelle is buying Sly a new gun. How much do you want to bet she ends up getting him a water gun?
-A biker is stalking Estelle. If she winds up kicking his ass, I’m out!
-The biker is trying to illegally sell guns to Estelle. If the image of a husky biker selling an old lady machine guns is funny to you, then this is your movie.
-Two cops were spying on the gun dealers and Estelle. Is Sly going to have to arrest his own mother? Does anybody care?
-I apologize. The two men spying on them are businessmen who’s guns are being counterfeited. I still don’t care!
-Estelle intimidated the men into lowering the price of the uzi from five hundred to three fifty. Never before has comedy been this forced.
-The two men assaulted the two gun sellers and is engaging in a car chase with the big biker. Meanwhile, Estelle Getty watches from the sidelines. Sneaky witch slithered away just in time.
-Sly is chugging Pepto Bismol. I’ve never found this to be funny. Just disgusting.
-Is it supposed to be funny that Sly’s mother made him a huge breakfast? All it’s doing is making me hungry.
-Sly’s mom is at the station showing everybody his baby pictures. This joke wasn’t funny the first time. It’s not going to be funny the next dozen times you do it.
-Estelle witnesses a murder and all she has to say is, “Terrible things happen.” How heartless and cold. She’ll fit right in to the politics field.
-Sly’s annoying co-worker, Ross, is taking in his mother’s case. If it’s illegal to force yourself upon someone, it should be illegal to force humor upon them, as well.
-“This whole thing is ridiculous!” Sly has finally come to terms with how bad a role this is.
-Due to witnessing a murder, Estelle has to stay a month longer. You’re telling me she was going to be leaving sooner, which meant a shorter movie? Son of a bitch!
-Sly just said he’d kill himself if his mother didn’t leave in a few days. I’ll admit she can be annoying, but she’s not as bad as he’s making her out to be. If he burned the photos, half of his worries would go away.
-“Her love is driving me nuts!” The one downside to doing these Movienalia’s is that I can’t provide the reader with a clip of the film. Right now would be the perfect time to do so. The way Stallone delivered this line was hysterical! He nearly went into a seizure.
-Stallone believes his boss is getting revenge on him by making his mother stay longer. If she really wanted to get revenge, she’d make him star in a terrible comedy. Oh, wait…
-Estelle wants to work on the case with her son. But, it’s Ross’ case. Think, Estelle, think!
-Estelle cleans the sink immediately after Sly brushes his teeth. This obsession of hers isn’t funny. She should seek help.
-She held back all of the information on the shooting to give it to her son. She could get into legal trouble for that. I wonder if Sly will use that to his advantage and lock her up?
-“You can’t fool around with a homicide!” That’s The Three Stooges’s shtick!
-Estelle is displeased with the way her son lives his life. I’m displeased with this movie. Life sucks! Get used to it, Estelle.
-A shootout sequence. Finally! Something interesting.
-Sly is having a nightmare that he’s in a diaper in the middle of a shootout and his mother wants to change him. This isn’t funny. It’s disturbing!
-Estelle came to her son’s rescue and is tucking him into bed. The writer of this film must have watched Rocky and thought to himself, “You know what this movie needs? Stallone being tucked in to bed.”
-Estelle is singing a lullaby to Sly. I’ve seen root canals that were funnier than this.
-Sly just received the uzi his mother bought him. She must have salvaged it from the “Cobra” set.
-Are we supposed to sympathize with Estelle because Sly is angry about her gift? Her buying an illegal weapon could land them both in jail. Not only that, but she’s a grown woman. She should know that it’s illegal to buy a machine gun from a van.
-Estelle is withholding information and getting on Ross’ nerves. At least the audience has a relatable character now.
-Why would Sly bring the illegal uzi into his station to show his partner?!? What if he got caught and arrested? Think, Sly, think!
-Estelle is showing Gwen, Sly’s boss, baby photos of him. THIS ISN’T FUNNY!
-Estelle just told Gwen that, from an early age, she could tell her son would have very nice “equipment”. If my mother ever tells someone she knew I was going to have a huge penis, I’m disowning her.
-Sly never sent Gwen flowers. How inept do you have to be to not give your girlfriend flowers? I’m terrible at relationships and even I know to do that!
-Sly’s father died when he was thirteen. Estelle was disoriented from shock, so he took care of the funeral arrangements and the like. Is this the film’s way of developing characters? Through baby photos?
-Sly never cried, according to Estelle. I guess this means he’ll be shedding a bucketful of tears by movie’s end.
-“This is the point of no return.” I’d say the point of no return was at the ten minute mark.
-Sly is going to handcuff his mother to a sink. This family has problems!
-Estelle is telling her son all of the information on the murder. All he had to do was threaten to handcuff her to a sink. I think we found a new method of interrogation.
-The two murderers are holding a woman hostage. Why? Because they’re evil. No logical reason is necessary.
-Why would you bring your mother to the murderer’s house? Sly is just begging for her to be captured. Actually, he probably did this on purpose.
-Sly saved the woman, but the two goons got away. Oh no! This means they’ll go around doing more random acts of violence. These one-dimensional villains are going to wreak havoc on the town.
-Estelle is driving the car and chasing after the bad guys. This probably sounded better on paper.
-She’s driving on the sidewalk. Just because she’s old doesn’t mean she has to dust off old shtick.
-The car crashed into a dumpster full of boxes. They must be filled with rejected Stallone projects. One involving him and Joe Piscopo as Siamese twins who track down a drug lord played by Steve Buscemi called “Two Heads Are Better Than One” and another that involves him and Whoopi Goldberg as a married couple who inherit a house being haunted by Don Knotts called “The Ghost, Stallone and Mr. Chicken”.
-“Look who it is. Norman Bates and his mom.” Imagine if the Psycho remake starred Sylvester Stallone as Norman Bates instead of Vince Vaughn. The version we got doesn’t seem so bad after all, does it?
-“Both my son and I think you’re an asshole!” Why do Hollywood screenwriters think old women swearing is funny?
-Stallone and his mother finally found something to bond over; an annoying asshole named Ross. See folks, this is why assholes exist. To bring families together. So, the next time an asshole gets on your nerves, just remember; he/she probably inadvertently saved a family crisis.
-“Her cookies suck!” Ross just crossed the line!
-Sly just gave Ross a swirly. That’s right, he responded to Ross’ bullying by dunking his head in a toilet. This is why your mother treats you like a second grader!
-Gwen returned Sly’s lucky toothbrush to him. It has a frog head on it. Laugh, damn you!
-We don’t need a back story on the gun Estelle bought. It was a part of an illegal gun ring. Bad guys run this illegal gun ring. That’s all that there is to know.
-“His ass was grass and I was the lawnmower.” Did Sly teach Estelle these cheesy one-liners?
-Estelle wants to do good cop, bad cop with Sly. It’s be more like good cop, bad joke.
-Sly is allowing his mother to sniff around downstairs while he interviews the head honcho of the gun ring. He literally went from hating her one minute to making her his partner the next. You have to ease into this. You can’t rush into like a marriage that’ll quickly end in divorce.
-Estelle just threatened the gun lord by telling him she’ll take off his pants and give him a spanking. Yet another joke that’s creepier than it is funny.
-That worked?!? Are you fucking kidding me?!?
-“I’ll be back!” Now she’s quoting “The Terminator”. What’s next? Is she going to run away from a giant boulder?
-These villains are about as menacing as the nerds from “Revenge of the Nerds”.
-Sly locked his mother into the car by removing the locks. How is he going to get back in? Think, Sly, think!
-Estelle is trying to break the windshield to escape. Damaging your son’s car to “help” him is counterproductive.
-She just stole his gun from the glove department. Is she going to clean this one, too?
-Now, she’s making a page to the police station. She’s nosier than a five year old!
-They’re actually helping her escape the car. My head, it hurts!
-All Sly is finding in the abandoned warehouse is junk. Who would have guessed?
-Estelle snuck up on her son, almost prompting him to shoot her. You know the film is failing when you wish he did accidentally pull the trigger.
-“Pull the trigger! I don’t want to live in a world where my son locks me in a car.” Would you rather live in a world where he locks you in a retirement home?
-A wrecking ball just broke through the wall. Seeing an action scene in this film is strangely off putting.
-Sly is carrying his mother on his shoulders and avoiding the wrecking ball. I’m rooting for the ball!
-He just shot the wrecking ball down. Are you kidding me?!?
-“Stop! Or my mom will shoot!” He just said the movie title! *Pee Wee Playhouse hysteria ensues*
-Estelle Getty has about as good an aim as Stallone does in picking movie projects.
-They caught the sneezing bandit, but the other goon got away. How hard is it to take these guys down? Rambo would eat them as a late night snack.
-Gwen grabbed Sly and started making out with him. Catching obese, germ-spreading criminals is a turn on, apparently.
-She made out with him because his mother delivered her flowers that she believed came from him. Soap operas have more edgy humor than this.
-Gwen just punched Sly. She was a shoo-in for his next opponent in the cancelled “Rocky VI”.
-“Mom, you have ten seconds to get your citizen senior butt in here!” Was saying ass too risqué for Stallone?
-“This is my house and I’ll shout if I want to!” The less-popular sequel to the “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To” song.
-Sly is laying down a set of rules for his mother to follow. Wouldn’t it be easier to make one rule; don’t leave your room?
-“Sometimes, forget I’m your son and treat me like a human being.” At the very least, treat him like a sewer rat.
-“I’m know what your problem is.” So do I. Not being able to turn down bad scripts if the paycheck is hefty.
-Estelle is giving a speech to Sly, which the whole neighborhood gathers around to listen to. She should become a street performer.
-Sly drove away into the sound of sad music. The audience ran away to the bathroom to hurl.
-Sly keeps a photo of Gwen and liquor in his desk drawer. Exes and booze don’t go well together.
-Gwen caught Sly practicing his apology in the office. At least his pants were still on and he wasn’t crying. That’s usually what follows the mopey apology. Not that I know from experience or anything.
-“I deserve to get hit! I made a mess out of everything.” Is Sly informing us we’re allowed to hit him for this movie?
-Sly’s dramatic apology is about as heartwarming as an anniversary dinner at Taco Bell.
-Paraphrasing his mother worked and Sly and Gwen are back together. I’m almost choking on this forced melodrama!
-The gun lord is writing a suicide note. Will Estelle talk him out of it by embarrassing her son?
-The problem with a faux suicide note is that, if they don’t find a body, they will come looking for you. Think, lame villain, think!
-They just tossed one of their slums out of the window. Now they’ll think you murdered him and left a fake suicide note behind to cover up. A kindergarten can see through this plan!
-Estelle left a letter informing Sly she went back home. Hooray! Oh wait, I’m supposed to feel sympathetic. Bah humbug!
-I’ve seen men run through airports chasing a woman, but never have I seen the woman they’re chasing be his mother. It’s a lot less romantic that way.
-Sly is chasing after his mother, who is riding on an airport cart. The fact that he can’t keep up with it is depressing. Rocky would have sprinted towards it in a flash.
-Sly caught up to his mother and convinces her to stay. Ugh!
-Estelle criticized Sly for not proposing, so he’s shipping her back home. Make up your mind!
-Estelle agreed to the rules, so she’s staying. This movie changes it’s mind more times than a stripper changes her underwear.
-The criminals broke into Sly’s house. Uh, you’re supposed to be in hiding. Not leaving a blood trail behind that will lead the police directly to you. Cobra Command were smarter villains than these schmucks!
-The person that broke into their house was the biker who sold Estelle the gun. He probably wanted some milk and cookies.
-I understand Sly is frustrated with his mother’s constant interference, but she just saved him by taking out the biker with a frying pan. Show a little respect. I don’t care if it’s a sliver of cake one would donate to charity because they feel guilty.
-Estelle made them chocolate milk and cookies. I was right! That’s kind of sad, actually.
-The woman that was held hostage earlier was the biker’s girlfriend. He’s turned to Sly for safety. If constantly being caught in the line of fire is your idea of safety, then you’ve come to the right place.
-Sly handcuffed his mother and the biker to the sink, so they’d stay out of his way. Not only does he follow through on his fantasy earlier, but he adds an extra person to the mix. Double win!
-Estelle slipped her hand through the handcuff by washing her hand under warm, soapy water. This makes me worry about our police force.
-She clonked the biker over the head with a frying pan again and is stealing his car. She’s broken more laws in this film than he has in his entire life.
-Sly caught up with the criminals as they’re about to board a jet and fly away. You can cut the tension with a butter knife.
-Estelle found the airport too, but is immediately held hostage by them. If she would have had her frying pan, the tables would be turned.
-They snuck her onto the plane and are taking off. Weren’t you supposed to be preventing them from leaving, Sly? A blind security guard would do a better job than you.
-Sly mounted a MAC truck that was randomly parked in the dock and is playing chicken with the jet. It’s not like they can gently turn to the side and turn it off.
-Sly lost the game of chicken. Maybe he’ll fare better at hide and seek.
-His master plan is to drive under the jet and destroy it. Wouldn’t it crash and, this being an action film, explode, killing his mother? Either he’s and idiot or this has been his diabolical master plan to finally rid himself of his mother.
-Half of the jet has been torn off and they crashed into a gate. This is about as thrilling as giving an old person a sponge bath.
-The fact that Sly is having trouble taking out these miscreants is really bothersome. At the very least, make them gigantic beefcakes. These men are as menacing as Oscar the Grouch.
-Estelle pulled a gun out and is sticking up the villain. The site of an old woman sticking someone up isn’t funny. Too bad that’s the film’s main joke.
-Estelle shot him. Which means the final boss battle ended with an old woman pulling the trigger. How anticlimactic!
-Did Sly just say “Gee Whiz”?
-“No shit!” Once again, Estelle swearing isn’t funny.
-Estelle is finally going home. Unless Sly has another change of heart and asks her to move in. Then changes his mind and shoves her onto the plane. Until he has yet another change of heart and chases the plane and yanks her off. Until he, you guessed it, changes his mind again and tosses her back on. Until…
-Sly proposed to Gwen. There may be one person in the world who actually cares.
-Estelle believes one of the men in the airport is a criminal because he looks like someone she seen on “America’s Most Wanted”. Enough with the forced jokes. The movie is over .Just call it quits. I’m begging you!
-Of course the man is a criminal. It would have been funnier had he not been and she chased after him anyway.
-The criminal shot his mother. Oh come on!
That’s “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”. A film that didn’t sound good on paper and was abysmal on screen. It’s a one-joke film with a joke that’s not funny. Estelle Getty swearing and embarrassing Sylvester Stallone is annoying and dull. The film is so boring it made me yearn for “Rhinestone”. At least the ridiculousness of that film made it memorable (if not for the wrong reasons). The only thing memorable about this film is the title. That just serves as punch line to a bad Sylvester Stallone joke.
I’ll see you all next week!
-If you shoot Sly’s partner in the ass, you’ll piss him off! Just a heads up.