The kneeling will come Jor-El. Oh yes. The kneeling will come.
Bum ba-ba-bum, bum bum bum
Bum Ba-ba-bum, BA-BA-BUM!
Axel Braun’s Superman XXX is the next movie I’ll be reflecting on for this month’s celebration of super-hero parodies. Superman is the only character out of these reviews to not be featured in a movie this summer, but he does co-star with Spider-Man in an upcoming adult feature. And he’s Superman! I love that guy.
Immediately after the credits we’re confronted with an interesting philosophical question: if a parody has a wholly pointless sex scene, but it features Lexi Belle, is it still wholly pointless?
Deep, man
Lexi is a stewardess on the flight Clark Kent is taking to Metropolis, and as they run into turbulence. She goes to the cockpit, and there flying the plane is Evan Stone and Alec Knight. On the forums someone brought up how Evan can ham it up, and this scene was no different. It had mugging and bad lines (because of the turbulence Lexi needed a seat, so he pulls her on his lap and offer is), but all very fun. It just was completely pointless overall. Being on a plane itself was important; as an engine blew and Superman’s first appearance was making the save, I just think the sex scene was wasted with random people without ties to the Superman mythos.
This could have been Toyman!
It wouldn’t stick in my craw quite as much, but the feature characters feel really under-developed.
The plot of the movie is actually pretty good, a mash-up of the Donner versions of Superman and Superman II. Clark Kent is new to the city, and during his first run-in with Lex Luthor accidentally sets free three Kryptonian criminals from the Phantom Zone. As I enjoyed the originals, I liked the way they managed to work in several Superman rouge into the film. If you count Miss Teschmacher, and I do because it’s Alexis Texas, then that’s five villains from the first two movies. I think Otis is the only one missing, and clearly it’s because no one could have replaced Ned Beatty.
Tying in so heavily to the movies means there’s a lot less comic-book references then Spider-Man XXX had. But its movie inspirations are great. I really liked Zod, Non, and Ursa. Zoe Voss could have been Sarah Douglas’ daughter. Oddly enough the porn version is the one that casted the woman with the smaller tits, but Voss is a very beautiful woman and looks so much like the character I’m still impressed.
Zoe Voss is a babe. Nothing silly to say here.
Zod and Non, being men, don’t hold nearly as much of my interest. But they’re probably the two funniest characters here. Non continues to be a bit dull, up in the noggin, and still has trouble with his powers when he first arrives on earth.
I put in a Derpy reference, so the MLP:FiM fans will retweet this
Zoe Voss, Ben English, and hungry Hef Pounder
Zod won’t shut-up about kneeling, bless his greater-density-then humans-heart. The very first man they encounter, Non clobbers him out and Zod whines “If you kill them, they can’t kneel”. And once they decide the Daily Planet is the headquarters of Earth’s government, he declares “There is much kneeling to be done”. And there is another in relating to a blow-job, don’t worry in this movie they made sure to not skip anything obvious.
Speaking of blowjobs...
While looking for a place to change Clark bursts in on James Dean’s Jimmy Olsen and Kristina Rose’s secretary (couldn’t just be Cat Grant?). He eventually finds a place to put his costume on and flies off, rerouting a missile headed for Metropolis. Jimmy cheers in jubilation, until Kristina asks him if that means they were having sex for no reason.
"Uh, look at that. A second missile."
Kristina Rose. I think I'm feeling leggy today.
Lex Luthor and Miss Teschmacher finally release they’re pent up frustrations as well. Lex really didn’t get to do much in the movie, but I assume he’ll play a larger part later on in the sequel. I always thought Valerie Perrine was really sexy in the movie, so seeing Alexis Texas work over Eric Masterson dressed like she did was allllright. Lex must have been incredibly dedicated to evil to waste time thinking about Superman when he was spending most of the 70’s with that hot of a woman.
Lex not doing this is WRRROOOONNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!
Rounding out the Daily Planet side we have Will Ryder as Editor-in-Chief Perry “Don’t call me Chief” White, and the second hottest Lois Lane ever, Andy San Dimas. The single hottest is obviously Lois from Superman the Animated Series, in particular from the lingerie-filled episode ‘The Target’.
But before the underwear, the show continued its use of repeated Lois ass shots
Look at that heaving cleavage and full, luscious lips
I know lots of women that keep large, stiff 'awards' on their nightstand for when they're in bed.
Look at dem legs. More legs I command it!
Sexy woman in peril, right before she hits the ground...oh yes
But anyway, Andy is quite the gorgeous women herself, even if she isn’t a 2-D murder victim. Leagues above Margot Kidder. I’m not one of those people who question why in the comics Superman likes Lois so much; she’s smart, bold, daring, brave and assertive, determined, and yes, very pretty. Kidder had some of those qualities, but she certainly wasn’t “I’m not going to bang Wonder Woman because you’re so hot” hot. With Andy San Dimas, I could see that. There’s a part of the movie, right before it ends, with Lois naked on a rooftop. Her figure is…wow. I really need more naked women in my daily life. I just wish this particular movie gave her something to do. Her part was much too small, and we never really got to see anything about her other than being a knockout. Perry said she was the best, but nothing on screen corroborated it. She was the best at having sex though, and was the only cast member with two scenes. The first was a blowjob with Non and Zod as she was eaten out by Ursa, and then the finale with Superman.
not needed: Margot Kidder comparison shot
The first scene started out slightly rapey, with the three criminals taking over the Daily Planet and subjugating Lois thinking she was in charge. Andy had a voice-over though saying she was really turned on by the three, but it was still sort of creepy. The voice-over came back one time later when she was horny, so it wasn’t quite as odd as being an isolated incident. There was a very good line at the end of it though, after Superman defeated the three.
"It not what it looks like Superman! It was a blowjob, and technically that’s not even sex"
Clark/Superman is Ryan Driller, who apes Christopher Reeves look perfectly. He’s more bumbling then I like in my Clark, but given the course material I don’t expect anything otherwise. The costume is really well done, and the insignia of the X/S mash-up is pretty good. i’d wear that. However, like Lois, it feels as though Clark just isn’t given enough time throughout the movie. Fortunately the final chunk of Superman XXX is the interview scene from Superman the Movie, and despite not adding too much depth to the characters it’s both Lois and Clark’s largest amount of screen-time (not factoring in the sex). If they had more than two minutes of time together totaled before this I’d be shocked.
We get the two flying together, and while the effects here aren’t great they’re more than serviceable. The missile and plane effects early on were dodgy, but still not groan-inducing to the level a Syfy original can be. Using them sparingly was a good choice.
If she was wearing green panties we could see through them in the movie like Superman!
Overall I liked it, with my biggest complaint being the lack of development of the characters. But this is a porno, and a parody, so the target audience should already have an idea of what to expect going in. I’m also not thrilled about the first Lexi Belle scene, apart from it being Lexi Belle. If you enjoyed the Superman movies I think you’ll enjoy the casting choices and story though.
Next week we look at the Hulk!