Blockbuster Porn: Incredible Hulk XXX

The Incredible Hulk XXX: A Porn Parody is a real marvel, somehow starting out as my most disliked parody, but becoming one of the ebst over its (very long) run time. There are  stretches where it’s dull and the acting is so wooden, but then they fade away and are replaced by entertaining scenes that set-up a lot of plot and character. That doesn’t matter to some viewers, but I appreciate it.

To start, I’ll admit to not being a huge Hulk fan. I’ve read about a year and a half of Greg Pak’s recent run (From Planet Hulk through World War Hulk) and a good chunk of Bruce Jones’ ‘Banner on the run’ stories from a decade ago. The rest of my knowledge about the beast is from various appearances in other books I enjoy (like his titanic battles with Thing from the Fantastic Four series, my favourite comic).

Much like Superman XXX though, Incredible Hulk XXX takes its cues from its most famous pop-culture iteration: the 1977 Incredible Hulk television series starring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno. I’ve maybe seen one episode of this show, and it was over 15 years ago so I’m not one to speak on the mythology. Story-wise it’s the way I prefer the Hulk, with a larger focus on Banner running away from the Hulk rather than the monster being the focus. It’s what I liked about Bruce Jones’ run initially. In his debut issue, Hulk v.2 34, the Hulk doesn’t even show up expect for small flashes in Bruce Banner’s mind.

Our movie opens with David Banner (Dale Debone) and his lovely wife Tori Black. Her character’s name is Laura Banner, but for me Tori has crossed over to the point where I’m just rooting for and excited to see her, where if I verbalized my thoughts during the opening it’d be along the lines of “Yeah Tori Black, have some sex with David Banner!” Tori’s part is a small one, and her entire pre-sex intro is all musical like in Up! (which I do not believe has yet been a porn parody). Then obviously following that is naked Tori Black, of which I have no complaints. She has a wonderful natural body.

And she’s not even my favourite girl in this movie, so as far as girls go I’m giving this film a  *******************/*****

However, David’s story is a tragic one, and it starts with the death of his wife. I think losing Tori Black for any reason is cause enough to flip out and start smashing up the place, can’t imagine how bad it would be for him. But at this point, there’s nothing for him to do.

This is where the movie really starts; David and Lily Labeau’s Dr. Elaina Marks are studying what it is exactly that grants some people super-human strength in times of great duress, and why David Banner couldn’t access it to save Tori Black. Most of their research is done with computers I grew up with in school.

Incredible Hulk XXX Is a huge movie, and this research portion is a big reason why. I’m guessing that because the Hulk is so massive, the amount of sex should be too. The next two sex scenes are from the subjects who ad bursts of strength, and this being a porno means that sex was always happening right before. First is Marie “hey a black girl in a parody that isn’t Misty Stone” Luv, telling how her and her husband (Jon Jon) rented a hooker to share (India Summers). Like David, she had a car accident, but unlike David, she was able to save her man.

After that they talk to the greatest man alive, Anthony Rosano. He was having a swinging party with a murderers row of hot women; Zoe Voss, Alexis Texas, and Sara Stone.

Funnily enough I didn’t recognize Sara, until her top came off. I’m still torn on if that’s something to be proud of.

During sex a statue falls on the girls, and Rosano’s Mr. Jacks saves them so he can continue to have sex. This is about an hour and half into the movie now, and its where I really started to enjoy it. In the first half of the movie I though Labeau sounded really unnatural and the scenes just seemed to drag. But Anthony Rosano is like a magical porn unicorn, whose horn is on his crotch. He’s just so much damn fun that his few lines are the non-Tori Black highlight of the movie so far. And from him being there, everything just gets BETTER. I really liked Lily Labeau’s performance from that point on, and the scenes didn’t feel as dull. I can’t explain it other than Rosano magic. Although even if he wasn’t there, what comes next would have put me in a terrific mood either way.

Everyone’s story of super-human feats is accompanied by the fact that they were denied orgasm. For Marie, her husband was just a selfish dick. For Rosano, the disaster happened mid-orgy so he hadn’t came yet. David Banner and Tori Black had sex before the accident, and it looks like that’s part of the puzzle. To test this theory out, we get the best idea science has ever come up with; having sex for three hours with Katie St. Ives!

As I’ve shouted to the heavens on this site before, Katie St. Ives is one of the premiere beauties in the world to me. She’s so, so pretty, and her breasts are nothing short of perfect. She doesn’t get much to do here, except have some sex, which is never a bad thing. But her partner in the scene, BJ (Alec Knight) accidently gets off after looking at Dr. Marks stretching through the observation glass. This is the ONE time I found this pornographic origin of a giant rage-fueled green man unbelievable; if you’re going to cum when you’re not supposed to while having sex with Katie St. Ives, it’s going to be because you’re having sex with Katie St. Ives. There are just some things I can’t buy into, even with my years of comic book training in the suspension of disbelief.

 

That said, Lily Labeau is a very attractive woman, and the scene is pretty funny.

Elaina and David get into a fight and she goes home, when David decides to bombard himself with gamma rays as high gamma rays were also a part of the link he had discovered connecting the subjects. Of course the machine is set wrong and he takes far more then he was supposed to, and on the way home gets a flat tire. David Banner has shit luck with cars. He cuts himself, and then we FINALLY get the Hulk!

Having been quite a bit of story between now and the Katie St. Ives scene, the movie rewards you for your patience with Lexi Belle and Gracie Glam.

The following morning the two girls wake up, and do the most logical thing you can when you see a giant jade monster in the woods.

Hulk, not being one who enjoys it when people anger him, proceeds to deal with the event in an emotionally healthy way.

For those counting, that’s five sex scenes so far, and we’re still not done. This movie really is packed with smashing. And the sixth is up next, between Dr. Marks and Dr. Banner. It’s in Lily Labeau’s imagination, but we can still see it and whats much more important is that she’s thinking about it in the tub, and I am a very big supporter of solo tub scenes. All rubby and bubbly.

The real Banner comes in and tells her what happened to him, and they return to the lab to run some tests. This eventually leads to Elaina feeling herself up watching a sleeping Banner, and again I’m a fan of ladies masturbating, even if she is a sleep creep. We should all be lucky. However, while this dream come true is happening, Banner is having a nightmare about his car crash and begins to Hulk-up, brother. This is when we finally get green on girl action, with Lee Stone as Banner’s alter-ego.

What’s most shocking to me is that after this scene, there’s still more story and ANOTHER sex scene, with Randy Spears and Tanya Tate. Randy plays an investigative reporter that was at first looking into Banner and his tests, but soon ends up on the Hulk’s trail.

He brings a police officer to confront Banner; confront him with a cock-cast!

The climax of the film runs another ten minutes, with an accident claiming Elaina’s life, and David thought dead but on the run from Spears reporter and BJ the scientist, who was in love with Dr. Marks. I am really impressed with everything set up in this movie. Like the Star Trek TNG XXX film, it feels like a real episode in the character’s lives that could continue in further adventures.  Parts of the movie are really frustrating, but by the end it’s an engrossing if simple origin tale. And it has eight full length sex-scenes, so you’re definitely getting your money’s worth from this purchase. If you’re a fan of the older Hulk show you may take more away from this then I did, but I enjoyed it.

As for some for the stories I mentioned:

Hulk 34 was very recently reprinted in Hulk: Return of the Monster hc. I currently own in in Marvel Visionaries: John Romita Jr.

Hulk is stronger than a tree in Moon Knight: Countdown to Dark. Great collection of early MK tales by Doug Moench and Bill Sienkiewicz.

Hulk and Thing have battles numerous times, but the fight listed above comes from Fantastic Four Omnibus v. 1, Essential Fantastic Four v.2, and Marvel Masterworks Fantastic Four v.3.

Next week…the Avengers!