Blockbuster Porn: Avengers XXX

or, Earth’s Mightiest Moaners.

Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody is the next film in Axel Braun’s growing mythology of the pornographic Marvel universe. As with his other projects, it’s a well-made movie with some excellent nods to its comic-book roots. Avengers XXX boasts the most complete Avengers roster on film to date. The plot to this movie is paper-thin, with S.H.I.E.L.D. bringing together several heroes to hunt down the Hulk, who has leveled part of Las Vegas in a brawl with Abomination.

In a move very much inspired from the movie-verse, Nick Fury is played by Lexington Steele, a living legend on par with Captain America, if punching Nazis was an equivalent to fucking girls with big asses. I’ve met Lex in the past, and I have no doubt he could kick my ass. A very admirable trait for someone playing Fury. I’m going to be honest and say I’d still have preferred 616 Fury over the Ultimate Universe inspired version, but when Brian Hitch’s Samuel L. Jackson version debuted his fate was sealed.

Fury has very little to do other than talk about teamwork, and then lament about teamwork, but he does work in a nice screw with Phoenix Marie as agent Sharon Carter.

Xander Corvus returns as Spider-Man, and once again gets in a few funny lines as a super-hero party crasher no-one wants around.

He shares the screen with Lexi Swallow as Ms. Marvel, who pulls double-duty with her sex scenes. It’s a nice nod to 2009’s super-fun Ms. Marvel 47, where she and Spider-Man go on a date.

This version is slightly more graphic.

I like the casting of Lexi here. She fills out the costume pretty spectacularly, and a comment I’ve heard over the past few reviews concerns how busty comic women are. Well, if you wanted girls that looked like they were ripped from the comic page, this movie is for you!

Obviously Phoenix Marie and Lexi Swallows are built for their roles, but dear sweet One Above All, the Scarlet Witch in this was amazing. I was not a follower of Danni Cole beforethe movie , but now I’d join the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants for her in a second. Hell, Danni Cole makes me want to read House of M.

Danni is stunning. I wish Quicksilver had made it in, because I’ve always really liked his over-protectiveness, and this would be a pretty good place for that mentality. As an older brother myself, I can’t imagine how many asses I’d have to beat if this was my sister.

Danni and Lexi share a scene, which is Lexi’s first in the movie but the second I’ve mentioned here.

One thing I didn’t like was that when she found out why they had all been called together, she had a line about only working alone. Has Scarlet Witch EVER worked alone? I don’t even think she had a story in Solo Avengers, when Moondragon and even the Rita DeMara Yellowjacket did!

Still, so absurdly hot.

Chyna also has a scene. I did not particularly enjoy it. I’m not going to pile on with negative comments, because I did think she looked fairly good as She-Hulk, but I just was not into her. As a long-time wrestling fan, it’s incredibly hard to separate her from any character, and her voice is so very, very Chyna.

All in all, I’d rather just masturbate to that John Byrne’s Sensational She-Hulk. Now that was sexy!

And remember when he had Wanda blow Wonder Man?

Fuck yeah, Wanda Maximoff.

Iron man and Thor are featured, with Thor sharing a scene with She-Hulk and Iron Man getting the better deal out of the two, simply flying up to the Hulk and getting his ass knocked 150 miles away. The Hulk isn’t the same version we reviewed last week from Incredible Hulk XXX. This time he’s played by Jordan Lee, and doesn’t do anything then unleash a scream. Whatever they used, I did not like the mix of for this. Dale DaBone makes a good Tony Stark, but he gets only a few minutes of screen time, most in the Iron Man suit.

Brendon Miller’s Thor constantly has things to yell about, and in his sex scene I was surprised to see She-Hulk act as the initial aggressor. However, she always has had a thing for hunky gods.

I actually really like the Thor costume here too. This movie did not skimp in that department, and all of the characters really do look like who they’e supposed too.

Even Hawkeye!

I’d like to take an aside and explain that while I really enjoyed the Avengers movie, I absolutely hated how they neutered any personality Hawkeye – I’m sorry AGENT BARTON – had. It’s particularly disappointing because if you ever read Hawkeye comics, the good ones, you’ll see he’s ALREADY an action star. This porn parody did a much better job giving him his due then the lifeless Hollywood version; he’s cocky and headstrong, but confident and is getting ready to lead the west coast unit. And he doesn’t hold back on his opinions, like what he REALLY thinks about arrows.

Hawkeye shares screen-time with another returning cast member from Spider-Man XXX, Brooklyn Lee’s Black Widow.

More nice continuity from these films, since the two were quite the item back in their more roguish days.

I think Brooklyn’s scene here was better then her Spider-Man one as well, for what that’s worth. She’s another girl I met this weekend. The movie closes with a discovery right from Marvel’s mightiest minds, a definitive moment in Avengers history.

On the whole I didn’t enjoy this movie as much as the smaller-scaled ones, but that’s coming from a  completely nerd standpoint. Too many characters, but then again it is really great getting such a large cast together. I wouldn’t recommend it if you were looking for a super-hero story, but as fantasy fulfillment it’s top notch. The casting is overall very good, and while a few people don’t fit their character’s image the presentation is still strong (I don’t think Eric Masterson looks like Clint, but he plays him well). CG is brief, and about on par with the other movies that I’ve been reviewing. Okay, fake looking andnot spectacular by any means, but kept to a minimum. Looking forward to the sequel.

If you want to read some of the things I’ve mentioned:

Hawkeye is showcased in a trade by the same name, collecting his solo adventure from the 80’s where he met Mockingbird. Pick it up, and follow that with Avengers: West Coast Avengers Assemble. Even Solo Avengers has started to become available again, thanks to Solo Avengers Classic.

She-Hulk’s jump-roping hasn’t made it to trade yet, but her Herc fantasies can be yours in Sensational She-Hulk v.1 by John Byrne.

Pete and Carol go on their date in Ms. Marvel v.9: The Best you Can Be

And Scarlet Witch doesn’t go down on Wonder Man in West Coast Avengers: Darker Than Scarlet

Next week to wrap this up – Batman XXX!