Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! Ever since I started this series, people have been begging me to do “Troll 2”. The only reason I haven’t done it is because I feel it’s been played out. Everybody’s taken their shot at it. I don’t feel I have anything else left to add.
When pondering on what I could add to the equation, it struck me that the first film doesn’t get tackled often. It’s been done, but not as much as “Troll 2”. It also hasn’t been mockingly dissected as deeply, either. I decided this was a better alternative than doing the sequel (for now). Which is what I have in store for you today.
So kick back, relax, grab your troll dolls and enjoy my torture of “Troll”!
-Charles Band producing a movie that’s not about dolls. What alternate universe have I walked into?
-The background music just started moaning. Even the orchestra is tiring of this movie and we’re only a minute in.
-What’s worse? Julia Louis-Dreyfus starring in “Troll” early in her career or Jennifer Aniston starring in “Leprechaun” early in her career?
-They’re filming a picture book. They were supposed to film a movie, not a book. What laziness!
-They segued from a man in the book pleading for his life to trees in real life. What I want to know is why the man was crying. Was it because he was turned down for the role as one of the Troll’s victims?
-Was the moving company’s name “Starving Students”? Is that how they save money? By hiring students and not paying them?
-Their way of painting the Potters as an average American family was having them refer to hamburgers as rat burgers. I’ve never met anybody who’s referred to them as such.
-“I’d rather watch Star Trek.” You and me both, buddy.
-Thanks to horror movies, I don’t trust little girls who bounce plastic balls. They always seem to be up to no good.
-Your ball rolled into the laundry room, not a torture chamber. Stop being scared and go get it.
-I’ll take that last comment back. A creepy noise came from the corner. It’s either the troll or John Waters.
-The troll just yanked the little girl out of focus. He’s doing her a favor. He’s sparing her career and saving her from this dreck.
-The little girl’s name is Wendy. I now believe that wasn’t the Troll that grabbed her. It was Peter Pan.
-The troll is wearing bling on his fingers.
-The troll looks like Danny DeVito if he wouldn’t shave.
-The troll is impersonating Wendy. Now he can be annoying, but get away with it because he’s a kid. That maniacal genius!
-How do they write off Wendy mysteriously wearing the Troll’s ring? She found it somewhere. Good enough.
-Nothing says wholesome American family like having a picnic indoors.
-I understand they just moved in. But, they could have easily set a table up to eat on. Lazy bums.
-The burgers they’re eating is like a mutant offspring of McDonald’s and Burger King.
-Wendy’s making strange noises while she eats. Maybe that’s her bowels burning from the filthy burger.
-Wendy stole the rest of the burgers. Is the troll’s mission here to steal fast food?
-The fire alarm just went off. I guess you could say they were saved by the bell! Read that in David Caruso’s voice to get the full effect.
-A good way to meet the new neighbors is to push them down the stairs.
-“My name is Harry Potter.” That’s right, folks. Both the father and son in this film are named Harry Potter. Either J.K. Rowling was a huge fan of this movie or it’s the strangest coincidence ever.
-If you’re wondering, “I wonder if Justin will make a bunch of Harry Potter jokes?”, the answer is, “You bet your ass I will!”
-When your daughter grabs a man by his wife beater and yells, “Ratburgers!”, to his face, you may want to send her to a psychiatrist.
-Swingers can’t score if kids are having pillow fights in the apartment downstairs, apparently.
-Harry Potter just got knocked over by a jogger. That’s what Voldemort should have done to beat Harry. Jog!
-Harry Potter reviews books for a magazine. This is too easy!
-“I prefer to go by John Wayne.” Why not? If the main character can go by Harry Potter, I say let the other characters be named after famous figures as well, fictional or real.
-Running around yelling rat burgers makes your child spirited. That’s a nice way of putting it on the medical form.
-Reading newspapers and books make you an egghead. What if you read loosely veiled reviews with a satirical edge? Does that make my audience eggheads?
-An old woman with an attitude. We couldn’t have an eighties horror movie without one, could we?
-Wendy just bit her father. If that’s not enough of a reason to send her to a psychiatrist, I don’t know what is.
-She bites her father and all they say is, “You scared mommy and daddy so much!” What is wrong with these people?
-The swinger’s bachelor pad is essentially the eighties in a blender. Japanese symbols, tacky wallpaper, lava lamps, etc.
-The woman the swinger hooked up with looks disgusted. The alcohol must be wearing off.
-The swinger just demanded she make him breakfast. And they say chivalry is dead.
-“I’m worried about that child.” Now you’re worried? Biting your husband’s arm didn’t make you worry, but her staring at you did? What is wrong with you?
-Wendy just hurled her brother across the room. I didn’t know Troll’s had freakish strength.
-Wendy just snarled at the swinger’s date. She doesn’t like whores, I take it.
-Wendy just barged into the swinger’s apartment. Is she going to toss him around, too?
-Wendy is playing hide and seek with the swinger. Let me remind you the troll is still possessing her. That means the troll’s purpose is to play hide and seek with sleazy men. That’s a job usually reserved for hookers, not fairy tale creatures.
-The troll has shown his true form. I’m surprised the swinger is horrified by it. He’s had to have dated worse.
-The troll lightly stabbed him with his ring. I’ve seen more violence on “Sesame Street”.
-The swinger turned into larva then hatched plants. Weird way to kill your victims.
-Where did those creatures come from? Why does one resemble the Creature from the Black Lagoon and the others miniature versions of Roseanne Barr?
-The old lady called Harry Potter Jr. shortstuff. He’s about as tall as you, you wench.
-“Can I come in? I think I’m going to throw up.” That’s how most of my dates end.
-The swingers apartment has become a jungle filled with strange creatures. It’s like a Roger Corman fantasy.
-The troll turned back into Wendy. Oh joy.
-The old lady has a mushroom that’s alive. That’s not a drug reference.
-She’s hiding the plant by putting a lamp shade over it. What if it burps? How is she going to explain that?
-“I’ll just pretend you’re not here.” That’s also how most of my dates go.
-I’m starting to like this old lady. She’s a bitch, but she has a good sense of humor. My kind of woman!
-The old lady is confiding in Harry Potter Jr. because he has no friends and his younger sister beats him up. When did this become a Hallmark movie?
-Her name is Eunice Saint Clair. Did they steal that name from a soap opera?
-Wendy almost got ran over by a car. I guess trolls aren’t used to looking before they cross the street.
-Wendy just insulted the man who saved her by staring rudely at him due to his small stature. You think the troll would confide in him, not criticize.
-“Are you an elf?” Poor guy can’t even act in movies without being asked that.
-Wendy refers to Malcolm as “Brother Elf”. That shit wouldn’t fly with Warwick Davis and Peter Dinklage!
-The troll is spying on a buff dude who’s checking himself out. When did this become fetish porn?
-A new apartment doesn’t make children run around screaming about rat burgers and biting people. This may be the most naïve mother in the history of cinema.
-“Weird kid. Probably reads a lot.” What?!?
-Harry Potter is rocking out to “Summertime Blues”. That’s his battle music when fighting creatures in Hogwarts.
-Harry’s imitation of playing a guitar resembles that of a man suffering from a seizure.
-Wendy just barged into Duke’s (the butch one) house. What a rude little girl!
-“Uncle Duke has seen everything there has been to see, little missy.” Have you seen a man eat his own head?
-“What does death look like?” Cher, oddly enough.
-Death looks like a troll who lost his razor.
-So, does the troll speak? He does when he’s impersonating Wendy, but never in his own form.
-Duke just handed the troll a bat. Why would you hand him a weapon?
-The troll was shot, but the bullet got sucked into his belly. The troll’s love handles just saved his life.
-The troll just bent the gun in half. He’s a shoo in for World’s Strongest Troll.
-The troll is back to impersonating Wendy. His first act is to scare Harry Potter Jr. shitless.
-“Harry fell down outside and went to sleep.” He’s using his blood as a pillow.
-Duke got turned into a jungle producing larva too. I was hoping he’d sprout a tropical rainforest.
-Harry Jr. has posters of “The Dungeonmaster” and “Parasite 3-D” in his room. Badass!
-“I just don’t understand any of this.” The mother speaks for the audience.
-Malcolm is coming over to the Potter household for dinner. Here’s hoping they don’t mistake him for Dobby.
-The awkward stare down between the parents and Malcolm is hysterical. It’s like they don’t know what to do around his presence.
-The mother offered Malcolm chocolate milk; he brought wine. I say mix them.
-Harry Jr. spends his time watching cheesy movies. We would get along.
-Malcolm used to travel with a circus. Just because he’s small doesn’t mean they can’t take the character seriously.
-“I always wanted to run away with the circus when I was a kid.” Instead, Harry Potter’s parents shipped him off to wizardry school. Those heartless bastards!
-Malcolm is going to recite “The Fairy Queen”. We get it. He’s small and this is a fairy tale type of movie.
-The creatures in Duke’s house are singing a song for no apparent reason. It sounds like Nickelback. Screechy and intolerable.
-I take it Eunice is The Fairy Queen. Panning to her when the story is being told and the creatures are singing is a giveaway.
-Blowing a horn silences the creatures. It also puts the audience to sleep.
-“That will give those little suckers something to think about.” They’re thinking, “Why couldn’t we be cast in a Roger Corman movie?”
-Harry Jr. believes his sister is a pod person from the planet Mars thanks to watching a cheesy movie on television. You’re giving us genre fans a bad name, kid.
-Wendy just poured Harry’s juice onto the ground. What a rebel!
-Wendy won’t listen to her father. Harry Potter is going to bust out his magic wand and perform a spanking spell. I didn’t intend for that to be as filthy as it was. I apologize!
-Harry Jr. saved his sister from being punished. If you believe she’s a pod person, you shouldn’t have saved her, you twat.
-Eunice knew it was Harry at the door because his knock is pre-pubescent. What?!?
-“Eunice, why are you here?” You’re a talented actress. Why not be in a better movie?
-Harry Jr. asks Eunice if she’s a witch, then asks her again why she’s here. I guess getting beat up by your little sister makes you delusional.
-“I’m here because I have to be.” She has bills to pay, hence why she took this role.
-Wendy got Julia Louis Dreyfus flowers. Her agent would get her a better present years later by landing her a gig on “Seinfeld”.
-Julia Louis Dreyfus is playing an actress in this movie. Her first performance is going to pretend to not be in this movie.
-Back to Eunice and Harry Jr. We still haven’t figured out why she’s here.
-“I wasn’t a witch, I was a princess.” Eunice said this, not Princess Diana.
-Eunice fell in love with a wizard named Torok. He dumped her, slightly altered his name and became and became an employee for Nintendo.
-Harry Potter Jr. just asked Eunice to teach him to be a magician. I’m convinced J.K. Rowling seen this movie before writing the Harry Potter books.
-Julia Louis Dreyfus just emerged from a plant pod and is doing a seductive dance for the troll. This almost happened on an episode of “Seinfeld”, believe it or not. In one episode, she was going to do a striptease for Kramer.
-Seeing a mushroom say “party hardy” would freak me out, too. Harry.
-“Your sister isn’t an alien. She’s something much worse.” She’s a child actress.
-Julia Louis Dreyfus’ boyfriend is pounding on her door, trying to find her. Her response is to give him a headache. Typical woman.
-Julia’s apartment just turned into an actual forest. I’d complain about how unrealistic that is, but this movie is the farthest thing from reality.
-Is Julia hooking up with the troll? She can do better than that. She should date a goblin instead.
-Wendy barged into Malcolm’s apartment. The characters in this movie need to learn to take control and kick her out.
-“You seem to be at peace with the world around you.” That’s usually how I compliment a person’s apartment.
-Did Malcolm seriously just tell a little girl he’s going to die? You’re supposed to lie and say everything’s going to be okay, you schmuck.
-Malcolm wanted to be an elf when he was a kid. So did Will Ferrell.
-Malcolm used to hope he was magical and not sick due to his recessive genes. This got depressing quickly.
-Eunice is going door to door with a sword in your hand. This woman is awesome!
-“Do you know what day it was when they dropped the bomb on Hiroshima?” What does that have anything to do with this?
-“She’s worse than a pod person. She’s a monster.” I see Harry Jr. has been dating one of my exes.
-“Honey, did you do a lot of drugs before we met?” Harry Potter Sr. is finally coming to terms on how screwed up his children are. Naturally, he blames his wife. Typical man.
-The troll has taken his natural form and turned Malcolm into a larva. A larva that is seemingly humping the air.
-The troll turned Malcolm into an elf. That’s sweet considering the confession he just told. It’s insulting to the actor due to not being able to branch out.
-The Potters are having dinner. This consists of Wendy eating like a pig, Harry Jr staring at her and the parents sitting quietly. Now this is more like the average American family!
-Wendy set the coffee pot on fire. Random act of wizardry.
-Eunice’s sword shoots laser beams. Why not just stab people (and creatures) with it?
-The troll is stalking Harry Jr. in his room. He’s practicing to be a preacher.
-Vines are coming out from under the apartment doors. The horror!
-Oh no! Flower patches are cropping in the hallway. Everybody is doomed!
-We’re finally getting a back story about the troll. It only took an hour.
-So, Torok was turned into a troll after failing to conquer the world. Which is why he came back. He’s a rejected James Bond villain.
-We finally found out why Eunice is here. To stop Torok’s quest for world domination.
-The reason creatures are being hatched in the jungle apartments is to gain minions for Torok. After he births enough soldiers, he’ll finally conquer Earth. How was this not an episode of “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers”?
-Torok chose to use Wendy’s body as camouflage not because it’d be easier to get around, but because he wants her to be his princess. Even though he’s a troll, I believe that still counts as pedophilia.
-Harry Potter has to stab Torok in the heart with a sword to kill him. I guess he can’t do magic tricks to save the day.
-Wait a minute. I thought Eunice was living in this apartment complex to fight Torok once he rose again. Why is she sending Harry Jr. to do her bidding? Lazy bitch!
-Eunice is putting her hair down. Shit just got real!
-Eunice puts her hair down and becomes younger. Forget about the Fountain of Youth. We all need to be searching for the Strands of Youth.
-Eunice is going to battle Torok after all. I apologize for calling her a lazy bitch.
-When your son sits in the house with a sword in his hand waiting for a stray dragon, it’s time to call a psychiatrist. Seriously, your kids need help!
-How does Torok combat Eunice? With powerful gusts of wind! Watch out! He’s ruthless!
-“Where are all of your friends, Torok? Are they hiding from me too?” No. They all got gigs on an episode of “Star Trek”.
-Judging by the point of view shot, the monster chasing Eunice was big. He wasn’t deadly, though. All he did was chase her out of the apartment and shut the door. He’s cranky, not violent.
-“If it’s a fight you want, it’s a fight you’ll get.” Good! I’ve been waiting awhile for something interesting to happen.
-Eunice has been turned into what appears to be a Chia Pet. A fate worse than death.
-It’s up to Harry Potter to save the day. He has to embark on the deathly hallows that await him in the chamber of secrets. He must retrieve the sorcerer’s stone from the goblet of fire to do battle with the prisoner of Azkaban. Only by the order of the Phoenix will the Half-Blood Prince become whole.
-The Potters opened the door to see a jungle invested with creatures. Just another day in paradise.
-Wendy is trapped on a bed in the middle of the jungle and is being guarded by what appears to be an alarm system. It’s like an advanced version of “Tarzan”.
-All Harry had to do to save Wendy was tap the alarm system with his sword. Really?!?
-Giant monster! It’s a trap!
-Torok stole the sword. That’s what happens when you trigger the alarm.
-Either the giant monster is causing the apartment complex to shake or they’re filming in Los Angeles during earthquake season.
-The apartment complex is being eaten by vines. If this is Torok’s plan to take over the world, it’s going to take awhile.
-A crowd is assembling to watch the vines eat the complex. Too bad there weren’t any crowds for screenings of this movie.
-“No! No! Not the girl!” Torok spoke! The fact that him speaking got the biggest reaction out of me goes to show the quality of this film.
-Harry tried to save his sister, but he ate an elbow in the face. What can I say? I laughed.
-Torok impaled the monster with the sword because he was going to kill Wendy. The power of love always trumps world domination.
-Harry and Wendy returned to their apartment which somehow stopped the earthquake. Okay then.
-Saving Wendy turned everything back to normal. What a cheap way to end the movie!
-Here come the cops. What for? Everything is back to normal. It’s not like they’re going to believe a troll was trying to take over the world by having vines devour an apartment complex.
-“You did pretty good in there… for a human.” All that was missing from Eunice’s final line was a drum roll.
-The Potters are moving. You have one encounter with a troll and all of a sudden the place isn’t safe to live in. Stuck up prudes!
-The cop went into the laundry room to investigate and got sucked into the Troll’s world. An opening for a sequel that took place, but had nothing to do with this film.
That’s “Troll”. It may be plagued with problems (most notably an annoying child actress), but it’s kind of fun. It has good creature designs, is relatively short and knows it’s cheesy. It doesn’t have any gore or nudity, meaning it’s safe for children to watch. It’s a decent way to kill an hour and a half.
I’ll see you all next week!
-Wendy refers to Malcolm as “Brother Elf”. That shit wouldn’t fly with Warwick Davis and Peter Dinklage!p