Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! This week’s edition is brought to you by fellow FAN columnist Michael Coello. He recently watched a film called “Modus Operandi” and recommended I induct it into Movienalia. After reading over a few brief notes of his on the film, I knew I had to induct it. It seemed so strange and confusing. It was perfect for Movienalia!
So sit back, relax, grow out your Danny Trejo mustache and enjoy my torture of “Modus Operandi”!
-We open up with the Hollywood sign being blown up. There’s subtlety jabbing at Hollywood and then there’s giving them the middle finger. This is the latter.
-Usually when I read the words, “Sasha Grey presents”, I expect a lot of penetration.
-A wife is complaining about her husband being an assassin. Here I thought I was watching a movie, not a reality television show.
-“He hardly ever talks anymore.” He’d rather not utter the pithy dialogue in this script.
-“Sometimes, he gets lost in the past.” He likes to remember the good old days before doing this movie.
-We’re viewing men digging through ice in Russia, set to black and white to appear like old stock footage. We’ve gone from reality television to a National Geographic documentary in under three minutes. That must be some kind of record.
-They fished out two briefcases from under the ice. The scriptwriter for this film was hoping nobody would find the script if he buried it under ice.
-Boobs! Who would have guessed seeing some nudity in a Sasha Grey produced film?
-This opening title card is reminiscent to 70’s exploitation films. We’re going all over the place!
-A dead hooker lying on the stairs. When did they raid Bill Clinton’s home videos?
-Now we’re going skydiving. Symbolism for this film going downhill?
-One of the men has a tarantula in his belt buckle. That’s badass!
-An agent just got shot in the back of the head after doing a trade off for the briefcases. How did she not see that coming?
-The man with the tarantula belt buckle looks like Ted Turner.
-They took back the briefcases. Why hand it over to her if you were just going to kill her? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to simply shoot her when she landed?
-Two women are making out. Need I remind everyone Sasha Grey is producing this?
-Danny Trejo is being fed grapes by women in bikinis. This wasn’t in the script. The director simply filmed a day in the life of Danny Trejo.
-Tarantula Turner is a cowboy? Mario Van Peebles is more convincing as a cowboy than he is.
-Now we’re at a funeral. They must be mourning the loss of good filmmaking.
-We keep getting shots of a depressed man lying in bed. I didn’t know they made a documentary about me.
-Naked man is peeking out the window and hoisting a pistol. By pistol, I mean a gun, not his penis.
-The best way to eat Chinese food is to be sitting Indian style whilst being naked.
-We just got to watch fruit deteriorate and die. Even food would rather take the easy way out rather than watch this film.
-CIA Headquarters looks like a break room of a paper printing company.
-When you see a man in a wheelchair wearing an eye patch, you think two things. 1) Should I be suspicious of him? 2) What the hell happened to him?!? There’s being clumsy, then there’s just being injury prone.
-“We were double crossed by the cowboy.” Who could have seen that coming?
-The actors aren’t even putting an effort in. They seem ashamed to be in this.
-Now we’re in Milwaukee. Are we going to make our dreams come true for me and you?
-A man just walked into a public restroom and pissed on a drunk man’s head. You stay classy, Milwaukee!
-Only a drunk man would get pissed on and take it like a bitch.
-The drunk man (who looks like the lovechild of Ron Howard and Matt Walsh) went to the bar and ordered scotch with egg yolk. You need to drink after getting pissed on for being flat out drunk.
-The drunk man is leaving the bar. He must be going to his job as a public urinal.
-Two schoolgirls are looking for an agent. Say what you will about James Bond, but at least he doesn’t go after underage women.
-So, the drunk man is an agent. I’d think I’d trust Johnny English before I trusted him.
-When you need schoolgirls to help you shower, you’re life is in the dumps.
-Tarantula Turner doesn’t even take his cowboy boots off to swim. He’s a true cowboy.
-Are we really watching a man struggle with lighting a match? It’s called editing.
-Tarantula Turner just got shot. Mario Van Peebles lasted longer than he did.
-This film needs to stop switching back and forth between black & white and color. It’s getting annoying!
-Agent Piss Drunk is listening to his mission rundown. Will the tape explode immediately after it finishes or will he just get pissed on again?
-“If you’re not listening to this, then your dead.” And if you’re dead and are still somehow listening to this, the set for the zombie film is next door.
-Agent Piss Drunk’s wife was murdered, hence why he’s so depressed. He was even more depressed when she was alive, as she constantly pissed on him.
-We just got a rainbow screen (the screen that plays when a channel is off the air). They may think they were being clever, but it was really just pointless.
-Now we’re seeing a dating video. Pick a story and stick with it!
-The person in the video is a model. If you call stripping modeling, then yes, she’s a model.
-Back to the storyline. Just forget that dating video ever took place.
-Agent Piss Drunk is praying with a nun. I bet he’s praying that his career won’t plummet after this.
-A montage of him training is airing. The music being played is somber and sad, not heroic and uplifting. Even when training, Agent Drunk Piss is depressed.
-Agent Piss Drunk is eating Chinese, but he’s kept his clothes on. Progress?
-Agent Piss Drunk is watching an exploitation film about a sexy female agent. Why does he get to watch a better movie?
-A man is directing a woman blowing bubbles. What does this have to do with anything?
-Ah, Agent Drunk Piss is meeting with this man. What I want to know is how you get into the profession of filming women blowing bubbles? Is there a course you have to take?
-The director is snorting cocaine. I’m not referring to the actual director of this film, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he was too.
-“I need a couple people removed.” Mainly the scriptwriters for this film.
-The man’s name is Casey Thunderbird. What an awesome name!
-A man is brushing his teeth naked in a bathtub while his girlfriend (I assume) is shaving her pussy. I have no joke. This is just weird.
-Why did he have to put his pants on to answer the phone?
-A montage of a woman taking in the pleasures of the city. Good for her, bad for us.
-Her name is Black Licorice. There are only two professions you can have with a name like that; a stripper or a Blaxploitation star.
-“Perhaps it’s time this proceedings got under way.” If by proceedings you mean plot, then yes. It is time that got under way.
-Are women not allowed to wear clothes in this movie?
-A woman is painting a portrait of a man in the nude. This should feel out of place, but it fits right in with the rest of the film.
-That RV trailer could double as an ice cream truck.
-A random woman in a bikini. Who could have seen that coming?
-Do we need a gong to go off before a couple start making out?
-The man’s name is Zanadu. I take it in this universe, being named Phil or Kelly makes you a weirdo.
-Danny Trejo is tapping into phone calls. He’s hoping to overhear of an audition for a better film.
-Another dating video interrupts this film. Is she going to strip, er, I mean, “model” too?
-“It feels good to hurt.” I’m hurting right now and I can guarantee you it doesn’t feel good.
-She got handcuffed and shot. Worst dating video ever!
-Why are we being read a book? I’m not complaining about being told a story that’s better than this one. I’m just confused, that’s all.
-“We’re intercepting your package.” A line most commonly heard on the set of a porno.
-You can’t look cool riding a motorcycle if you’re wearing the clothing line from the “Leave It To Beaver” show.
-A man is being chased by a helicopter. Are they making a nod to “North by Northwest”?
-“I lost him. He’s going into the woods by the lake.” If you lost him, you wouldn’t know where he’s going.
-A woman in a bikini posing on a car. This is getting redundant and less erotic by the minute.
-Agent Piss Drunk tries to help her with her car and she pulls a gun on him. She must be a women’s rights activist.
-The man from earlier (I can’t recall who exactly, as people keep appearing out of nowhere) is now being chased by a motorboat in a lake. He can’t catch a break.
-Naturally, there are women in bikinis on this motorboat. I’m surprised there weren’t any naked women on the helicopter.
-They locked the man in a dingy room in a hidden building. When did this become “Saw”?
-“I don’t know what you did to deserve this and I don’t care.” I don’t know what I did to deserve this, either.
-“Human life is trivial.” So is this movie.
-They’re beating him with bottles and random assortment of knives. I take back my “Saw” comment. This is “Hostel”.
-A foxy lady is rollerblading through an abandoned warehouse. This is what I expect the post-apocalyptic world to be like.
-More shots of women in bikinis swimming. This is like a Sasha Grey porno without the sex.
-Wait a minute. Is this swimming pool in the abandoned warehouse?
-They must have blew their budget on bikinis and hot tubs.
-Two women are making out in front of the tied-up man. At least they’re being nice and giving him a show.
-Oh no! The two women are making out with the tied-up man. The horror!
-Now they’re biting him. When hickeys go too far.
-Two men are doing pot. Now this is a stoner film.
-They opened the briefcases that are heavily being sought after. We didn’t get to see what was inside. In “Pulp Fiction”, we didn’t get to see what was inside the briefcase because we were to come to our own conclusion of what they were after. In this film, we don’t get to see what’s inside the briefcase because they didn’t have any money left to put anything inside of the briefcases.
-Now we’re at a strip club. This must be where they came up with the idea of this film.
-Casey Thunderbird is throwing one dollar bills around. Why is he being so careless with this film’s budget?
-Agent Piss Drunk didn’t even open the briefcases to see what was inside. How does he know that Casey Thunderbird didn’t just buy two briefcases from a Home Depot and hand them to him?
-Now we’re watching women take a shower together. I guess it was only a matter of time.
-The briefcases are full of VHS tapes. This better turn out to be “The Ring”.
-Casey Thunderbird’s car just blew up. At least, I believe that was Casey Thunderbird. I really can’t keep track of who’s who. That and I really don’t care.
-Those dating videos we’ve been seeing (which are actually videos of models stripping, but they’re filmed in the same manner as dating videos, so I refer to them as such) are what’s been locked away in the briefcases. I guess the maker of those didn’t want anybody to see women strip terribly.
-Why would you film yourself killing models? It’s as if you’re asking to be caught.
-Agent Piss Drunk just puked. I feel you, buddy.
-They’re drinking the stripper’s blood. I’ve heard of wanting to drink a hot woman’s bathwater, but never wanting to drink their blood.
-“What is your location?” “I have the briefcases.” You didn’t answer his question.
-The man that was killing models in the videos is a politician running for office. Why does that not surprise me?
-More booze and stripping. Does this film ever get off the ground?
-The stripper is shooting people. I guess they have something to do with this movie. They just appeared for the first time, so I’m not sure if they’re important or not.
-This has evolved into a brutal strip club fight. People are stabbing each other and one woman busted out nun-chuks. About time this film got interesting.
-A song is playing that keeps repeating the phrase, “Modus Operandi”. That’s how they explain the movie title. Really?!?
-Why do the characters in this movie get to watch better films? Why can’t I watch a better film?
-The movie this man is watching is an astronaut who’s wearing a fishbowl on his head walk around a planet. That’s more enthralling that anything that’s happened so far in this movie.
-We’re getting an intermission. We only have about fifteen minutes left. Why not have intermission in the middle of the film?
-The man walked out of the screening. They must have been showing this film next.
-The man is being chased by a truck. His line of defense is to throw briefcases at it. Shockingly, this didn’t work.
-The man’s briefcases were stolen, so he chases the truck. To try and stop it, he pulls out a gun. Why not pull out the gun in the first place instead of throwing the briefcases at them?
-When did they arrive in Egypt?
-Now they’re back in the city. That was strange.
-He chased her through an apartment complex and threw her off the top floor. What happened to his gun?
-He retrieved the briefcases and is now boarding a boat. I’d like to know who this man is.
-A close up of a woman’s breast. I guess it’s been awhile since we got a tit shot.
-The man has arrived in the city and just got picked up by Danny Trejo. I honestly forgot Danny was even in this movie.
-We’re getting stock footage of Russia again. Oh joy.
-They tied a rope around the man’s neck and attached it to a horse. When the horse ran, it ripped his head off. I know this man is important, as I seen him earlier, Yet, I still can’t pinpoint who he is.
-Danny Trejo is meeting with the presidential candidate. Is Danny running for Vice President? I can get behind that.
-“Have you lost your mind?” The producers must have asked the director this after seeing a rough cut of this film.
-“I don’t have time for this bullshit!” Neither do I.
-They’re taping the candidate to a chair and stabbing his hands into the chair with a nail gun. Still not as painful as this movie.
-Danny Trejo just poked his eye out. I’m surprised he didn’t make a corny eye joke.
-Danny is sticking dynamite in his eye socket. Hot damn!
-The candidate gets blown up by having a stick of dynamite shoved into his eye socket. What a way to go!
-Agent Piss Drunk is relaxing by sailing in the lake. Why is he relaxing? I don’t recall him saving the day. Danny Trejo did. Stop taking Danny’s credit!
That’s “Modus Operandi”. It’s clear their intention was to make an ode to grind house cinema. More specifically, to the bad ones. The only problem with intentionally making a bad film is that your movie is still terrible at the end of the day. It doesn’t make you clever to purposely make a bad film. It just makes you the purveyor of shit. Which is what “Modus Operandi” is!
I’ll see you all next week!
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