Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! Hulk Hogan makes his second appearance. Last time, he was playing Santa Claus. This time, he’s playing Zeus. Maybe the next time, he’ll play an actual actor. Nah, that’ll never happen. He’ll always be stuck with cheap children’s movies such as this. Ones that take classic tales like “Hercules”, put it in a grinder and spit out lousy fables for children.
So kick back, relax, put your togas on and enjoy my torture of “Little Hercules”!
-“On the day that time began, the heavens were filled with flaming fireballs.” That’s not some kind of homophobic slur, is it? If so, that’s just rude.
-“It was the place where all myths and legends began.” Disneyland?
-“Hercules questioned whether he belonged in the heavens.” He felt he belonged in the Jersey Shore, as he was more orange than a stripper in Hollywood.
-Why is Elliot Gould narrating this? Did he blow all the money he had on cocaine?
-“Hercules longed to discover what it meant to be mortal.” To teach him, his father gave him a job, kicked him in the nuts and took all of his money. He now knew what it was like to be a mortal man on Earth.
-I can tell this was supposed to be in 3D, as the title cards are flying at me. I hope this is the only time Nick Hogan comes speeding at me.
-It freaks me out that this twelve year old sounds like a man on steroids in his thirties.
-Little Hercules is beating up three monks. If this is his way of converting religions, he might as well be an atheist.
-Hercules was daydreaming in Elliot Gould’s lap. Somebody get Chris Hansen, pronto!
-“What about the discipline of dreams?” Freddy Krueger is the discipline of dreams.
-“Why waste your time dreaming about being a mortal?” Mortals get in fights with monks? I guess I got to start livening it up a little.
-Hulk Hogan looks more like the ghost of Christmas Present than he does Zeus.
-“With mortal joy comes mortal pain and disappointment.” And a mortal divorce, right Hulk?
-Out of anger, Zeus just beamed lightning from the heavens and sent it hurling at the screen. This lightning looked like a flashlight beam.
-Big Show is Marduk. It’s essentially just Big Show if he had a new gimmick as a Greek God.
-“The true home of the Gods is my Babylon.” The true home of the Gods is on TNT?
-Hulk Hogan and Big Show are cutting a promo on each other in togas. Worst Wrestlemania hype ever.
-Mardook shoots fireballs that look like they were extracted from Windows Movie Maker.
-This fight feels like it belongs in a Sega CD game.
-They’re chucking brick structures at each other. ECW! ECW! ECW!
-Little Hercules’ mother let him slip into Earth while his father and Mardook were fighting. Isn’t that how everybody gives their child up for adoption nowadays?
-“Is this the way for Gods to act?” You call this acting?
-Little Hercules is sky surfing on a metal platter and carrying a plastic sword. Movie magic in progress, folks.
-Little Hercules landed on Earth by diving into a pool. Considering how high up he was and the velocity he gained, I’m surprised he didn’t crack his skull open.
-Little Hercules is in Hollywood. Now his star can truly shine… to stardom not seen since Frank Stallone. And I mean not seen literally.
-With how many times Little Hercules is saying, “I made it”, I almost expect to hear the Kevin Rudolph hit of the same name.
-“I can force my subjects to do anything.” That’s called slavery, Hulk. I don’t care if you’re a God, that’s frowned upon.
-“My son is not wayward.” He’s also not an actor.
-Zeus and Mardook made a deal that Little Hercules must be stuck in Burbank for four days without his powers. If he can survive and make it home unscathed, Mardook must leave indefinitely. If he is broken and accomplishes nothing in four days, Babylon will become the new home of the Gods. If this movie doesn’t get any better, the audience will be snoozing. Now there’s a gamble!
-What I want to know is their definition of succeeding. Is he supposed to become a famous child actor? What is he supposed to do?
-“My lords, this is note wise.” What Hogan and Gould’s agents tried to tell them when accepting this movie.
-Why are we watching Little Hercules wander Burbank in a water ripple effect commonly used in Windows Movie Maker?
-Is this kid (not Hercules) trying to reason with a dog? It doesn’t understand English, buddy. Try barking.
-Little Hercules just spoke to the dog by speaking the language of the Gods (basically babbling). What a lame power.
-“You talk to dogs?” He’s Cesar Milan’s long lost son.
-“I don’t talk to dogs. I’m not Doctor Dolittle.” You were just trying to reason with it, you hypocrite.
-“I ain’t never heard of no Hercules.” Really? Here I thought that Disney cartoon from the nineties taught our youngsters of the Greek god.
-Curtis’ nickname is Little C. When he gets older, that nickname will haunt him with the ladies.
-Nick Hogan is playing a skateboard punk with spiked hair. Hilarious!
-Nick Hogan is bullying little kids. I hope he doesn’t get into a car chase with them.
– “Kobe and Shaq can cause us trouble, but not you, little man.” The courts can also cause you trouble, Nick.
-Little Hercules is sloppily beating up Nick’s lackeys. I’ve seen better fight choreography in a Hanson music video.
-Little Hercules just ripped a pipe out of the wall and clobbered the lackeys with it. This should crush and maim them. Instead, they comically went flying through the door.
-Little Hercules saved the skateboard. Does this mean he’s succeeding so far?
-Little Hercules is staying the night at Curtis’ house. In hope they don’t get into a pillow fight. Herc will slaughter him.
-Curtis’ mother just told him to not bring homeless people home. He’s done this already?
-According to Curtis, the new style for twelve year olds is being half naked. Once again, get Chris Hansen down here. You know what, just have him stay. I have a feeling he’ll be needed a lot tonight.
-Little Hercules is stronger than a gorilla, but can’t handle a little alcohol on his wounds. The Gods’ pain thresholds are slipping.
-The way Little Hercules emotes is similar to a robot.
-“Close your legs, man. Ain’t nobody want to see that.” Are they insinuating that LH’s penis was showing? Don’t go anywhere, Mr. Hansen.
-“Who’s the little Conan?” It’s Hercules, bitch!
-Catty women talking about their sex lives. When did this become “Sex and the City”?
-“How can I leave an injured boy alone?” Just ask any of the women that appeared on Cops with a black eye, a cigarette in their mouth and a baby in their hands.
-The fact that Little Hercules has a better six pack than me is depressing.
-I’ve never seen a kid more excited to go to school. Just wait, LH. That excitement will be dashed shortly.
-Toilet paper confuses LH. They don’t wipe their asses on Mount Olympus?
-Zeus is talking to his through the toilet. This is fantastically terrible!
-“You may use your magical strength three times and only three times.” Hulk Hogan being redundant? Say it isn’t so!
-“If you cannot survive four days on Earth as a mortal, you will not return to Mount Olympus.” You’re just going to leave him there to die? What a horrible father you are!
-“There are dangers to being human.” It’s called a venereal disease. But, you won’t have to worry about that for another few years.
-Zeus ended the call by flushing himself. How ironic that this piece of shit is being flushed.
-There’s toilet paper on LH’s shoes. Get it? Because he doesn’t know how to properly dress and clean up. Laugh, damn you!
-LH is dressed in a hip wife beater and jeans. I’ve got no joke and neither does this movie.
-LH is falling in love already. I said you wouldn’t learn about that for another few years.
-Nick Hogan’s name in this is Double X. He’s no match for Triple H.
-“It’s Zeus, stupid. Jesus is the janitor.” That’s racist!
-“He’s got the body to guard us both.” That was just cheesy.
-LH just ripped a locker door off. Masterlocks nowadays are terrible.
-“Running with your Mohawk between your legs.” They didn’t write any good lines for Curtis, did they? On that note, they didn’t write any good lines for anybody.
-If you ever wanted to see a pre-pubescent Hercules say, “We bad, we cool, we playas”, this is the movie for you.
-A montage of middle school kids in gym class? No thank you.
-“I don’t want Fontana’s final track meet to be an embarrassment to the whole school.” This is Middle School, not college. If your team fails, that’s not insulting. They’re still growing. Cut them some slack.
-“Don’t worry. I’ll only use my regular strength.” What’s your regular strength? Juggling horses?
-LH is an excellent disc thrower. You know what that means? He’s going to be put on the team and take them to first place. Yadda yadda yadda.
-The school is closing? Are they going to have a blow-out sale?
-LH said he’s an expert in wrestling. Did Hulk teach him the leg drop?
-Elliot Gould just face palmed. I feel you, buddy.
-LH just used his strength to hurl a javelin through a stop sign. This is when you start testing him for steroids.
-That was one? You used your super strength more than once, LH. I guess they don’t teach simple math on Mount Olympus.
-LH threw a weight ball so far it went to what I believe was the opposing school’s field and broke a table. He better have to pay for the damages.
-Why is Double X still in Middle School? Shouldn’t he have graduated High School by now?
-So, LH used all of his super strength. That was quick (which he hopefully won’t hear when he gets older).
-Is the school really having a yard sale? I feel bad for laughing, but I am.
-Curtis’ mother is falling for his principal. It’s every kid’s worst nightmare.
-Everybody thinks LH is crazy. The only people I think are crazy are the producers of this film.
-LH’s mother hates him and tried to kill him. So she’s who Curtis’ mother Dana needs to talk to about leaving an injured child alone.
-“My stepmother tried to kill me many times.” That’s a phrase many married men use.
-“In Burbank, there is better philosophy than Socrates.” Hahahaha. Oh wait, she was being serious.
-“If you can’t take heat, stay out of kitchen.” ‘The’ doesn’t exist on Mount Olympus, does it?
-LH lifted the principal (in his chair) above his head and threw him into the pool. Every kid’s best dream.
-Zeus took away all of LH’s powers to make him more mortal. Now he’s going to bullied and overpowered, you dick.
-The principal just failed Curtis in any class he’s in. He’s not the one who threw you into the pool, you jerk.
-Why are they doing a close-up of Power Ranger toys?
-“When I’m having problems, I just play with my Power Rangers.” I do the same. Most people think that is my problem.
-Dana is reading up on Greek Mythology. Is she making sure LH’s story is accurate? If they’re going to think he’s crazy, he better at least be smart to boot.
-“You kind of remind me of a Power Ranger.” He can be the Orange Ranger.
-“We should go to bed. We’ve got school in the morning.” No kid says this. What an unrealistic movie.
-Linda Hogan is playing a teacher. Economics, I presume.
-Marduk is impersonating a substitute teacher. Why not impersonate yourself as a high-profile actor and get out of this junk?
-Marduk is the assistant coach now. He’s big, so I expect many jokes and him ripping things off the ground.
-Why do most of these middle schoolers appear to be in their twenties?
-They used the Windows Movie Maker swipe to cut to LH’s mother, Hera, watching him fail at the long jump. I swear they used WMM to edit this movie.
-“I ain’t Dr. Phil. Just jump over the dirt.” You’re better than Dr. Phil. He hasn’t given good advice like that in years.
-Hera made him trip by popping her cheeks. Will she make him break his leg by farting?
-“Curtis knows all about bad events.” Way to be a dick, Coach.
-A montage of LH failing at the long jump. This is kind of cruel.
-Marduk is eating slushies out of the container. The fat jokes begin.
-Hera just magically appeared in the mini market to scold Marduk. Even Goddesses love to verbally abuse their men at any time.
-“It’s amazing! These mortal invented invisible fire.” How poorly advanced are the heavens? Do they still have to grab clubs and hunt animals for food?
-Hera just made the entire store freeze by spitting out an iceball that resembled a computer pointer’s loading screen.
-Hera and Marduk’s plan is to keep LH stranded in Burbank. LH is probably wishing he was Conan now. He’d get kicked out of Burbank after a months stay.
-LH is giving up. Queue the sad music. Oh wait, it’s already playing. Then queue the waterworks. Yeah, like that’ll happen.
-“Strength is knowing what you want.” I want nachos. My strength will get them for me.
-Brooke Hogan is playing a skanky middle school dancer. Go figure.
-Zeus doesn’t permit dancing. He only permits taking your vitamins and saying your prayers.
-“I’m Little Hercules from Mount Olympus. I’m a playa. What’s up?” Yes, folks. That’s an actual line in this movie. Somebody thought this was a good idea. I can’t believe it, either.
-LH and Curtis are dancing with Brooke. Be careful. Her blandness may rub off on you.
-That’s it? They walked into the least attended school dance in history and danced with Brooke Hogan? Why even film that?
-The cheerleaders have about as much enthusiasm as the audience does for this film.
-Does Dana ever go to work or does she just sit around all day studying Greek Mythology?
-Just because LH has a shield and sword that mimics greek warriors doesn’t mean he is one, Dana. I can buy a replica down at the dollar store myself. Which is probably where they bought his at.
-LH’s sword has a weird blue glow to it. It went to the strip club again, didn’t it?
-The principal is reminiscing about the good times in the empty music room. Sad music is playing in the background. This is so cheesy it hurts.
-Is Dana stalking the principal?
-Dana handed the principal the Greek Mythology book and said it was disturbing. I know, history class was brutal!
-“Our Little Hercules may not belong to Mount Olympus, but he doesn’t belong to anyone here, either.” This movie doesn’t belong in any video store.
-Dana is trying to convince the principal that LH is really a Greek God. If she doesn’t land in a mental institution, I call blasphemy.
-“I would like to see the sword.” Dana would like to see your sword, principal.
-How are two groups from the same school competing in the same Olympics against one another? Are all of the other schools closed too?
-Double X just punched Curtis. Couldn’t he get arrested for child abuse?
-Double X just punched LH in the gut. Is he going for the low blow next?
-Zeus magically appeared in the locker room and froze Curtis. Chris Hansen, get back here!
-“I feel pain for the very first time.” Isn’t that a line from a “Foreigner” song?
-“We are from Olympus. We can indulge our whims.” You can also make lightning shoot from your cock. That’s being saved for the porn version, Huge Hercules.
-The fact that Dana is exchanging a sword with the principal at a bar and grill is hysterical.
-The Greek writing on the sword reads, “I embrace my true destiny.” I believe that’s written on spatulas at McDonalds, too.
-To become an official member of Mount Olympus, you must embrace your destiny and claim a sword when the time is right. Worst fraternity ever!
-Of course the principal has a friend who can solidify if the sword is authentic.
-Marduk wants the principal’s sword. Looks like the porn version is starting up.
-Marduk just hurtled the principal over the building. Instead of getting hurt, he comically rolled off the roof.
-Zeus and Marduk are having a showdown in the parking lot. Attendance for their matches is really low nowadays.
-With every punch, they go flying into a car and break it. It’s a parking lot brawl for the elderly.
-They screamed like monsters from a “Godzilla” movie and suddenly they’re fighting in a broken arena surrounded by lava. They have the strangest powers.
-In all actuality, they’re fighting on what has to be the shoddiest looking green screen I’ve ever seen. I can’t stress this enough. It looks like Windows Movie Maker effects. I’m convinced that’s all they had in the budget.
-Ah, they’re fighting in Babylon. It resembles the set of a low-rent “Conan the Barbarian” knock off.
-Zeus broke a structure thrown at him with his fist. It shattered into a million pixels.
-They’re dropping the magic and fighting with their fists. This has now become a regular match between Hulk Hogan and The Big Show, except they’re surrounded by fire. Inferno match?
-A “Matrix” slow motion effect? Really?!?
-“You’re in my world now. You’re closer to your doom.” Hulk Hogan’s doom is TNA, not Babylon.
-It’s time for Marduk to embrace his destiny. What’s his destiny, a hot dog eating contest? I figured I’d beat the movie to a lame fat joke.
-“There is no Doom here.” Is there Wolfenstein?
-Back on Earth, the principal is just now regaining his composure. The audience has yet to regain their sanity.
-Zeus just appeared in front of Dana and the principal and asked for the sword. Usually on drunks encounter this situation.
-“The mortal woman believes her eyes.” I believe my eyes, too. I believe I’m seeing garbage.
-Is the principal really picking a fight with Zeus? That’s like Warwick Davis picking a fight with King Kong Bundy.
-A montage of them cleaning the field for the school Olympics. How riveting.
-The school Olympics got a larger attendance than the school dance. Why do I find this hard to believe?
-Fontana is facing Dawson Valley? Too bad it isn’t Dawson Creek. James Van Der Beek needs work.
-The school Olympics have a Spanish announcer. Here’s hoping he doesn’t have his own table. It’ll get broken before the event ends.
-Double X is from Dawson Valley? Why was he attending all of his classes at Fontana, then? Was there a draft I didn’t know about?
-“It’s not about magic. It’s about playing with your heart.” But, if you can use magic to win, go right ahead and use it.
-LH succeeded at the long jump. Why isn’t Hera blowing her nose and screwing him up?
-Double X beats LH. Double owned?
-LH is doubting himself. I’ve been doubting this movie since the start.
-Hera is making a fool of herself with a sword. It’s not as gross and kinky as it sounds.
-“Something doesn’t seem right.” You’re just now figuring that out?
-Hera is trying to make LH use the sword before he’s ready and have him stuck on Earth. That’s a bad thing. I believe the message is “Earth sucks! Live anywhere else if you can.”
-Hera just sent Dana flying into a wall. Don’t worry, she walked it off comically.
-“This ain’t over yet!” I wish it was.
-Dana is getting into a fight with a Greek Goddess. That’s like a poodle picking a fight with a Rottweiler..
-LH is using his sword to combat his mother. I didn’t mean for that to sound so wrong.
-“What destiny do you embrace, Hercules?” Destiny’s Child, believe it or not. He’s a Beyonce fan.
-“What is in your heart, Hercules?” Clogged arteries from the cafeteria food.
-Hercules wants to be mortal. Why would you want to be mortal? That’s like wanting to be a member of Wang Chung.
-The final event is archery. This is “Little Hercules”, not Little Robin Hood.
-LH is being booed. Do I sense a heel turn? He’s going to rip off his shirt and reveal he’s siding with Dawson Valley, isn’t he?
-LH not only got a bulls eye, but he broke the board. He broke the spirits of Dawson Valley, too.
-LH has his power back as he picked his true destiny. If his destiny is to be mortal, shouldn’t he be weak like the rest of us?
-Fontana wins one game and they win the school Olympics? Stupid sports cliché!
-Marduk arrived with his apprentice. They’re the opposing school. But, he was teaching at Fontana. This doesn’t make any sense!
-Marduk’s apprentice is named Kintaro. He’s a Mortal Kombat fighter?
-Kintaro is having a one-on-one contest with LH for the prize. No matter the result, the audience loses.
-Kintaro is representing Babylon. Since when did that become a school?
-The Coach wants ribs, all of a sudden. Just go with it. And no, I’m not referring to Marduk.
-“The boy is young. He can change his mind.” That’s the reason Daddy left, Curtis.
-“Why did Mr. Potter go to another school?” That’s what your concerned about right now?
-Before the match, LH is going to somberly wander through the locker room. Don’t slip on any jock straps.
-Hera is cleaning the sword in the locker room. Make your own sexual pun for this one.
-“Are you prepared to live a short life of pain and disappointment?” I’ve been ready for years, Zeus. Oh, you weren’t asking me. Sorry!
-“What do you have as a mortal that you don’t have as a Prince of Olympus.” An Xbox 360. He asked for it for his birthday, but you got him socks instead.
-LH has friends on Earth, but not on Olympus. Elliot Gould’s heart just broke.
-Marduk is dribbling a ball. Ooh, scary.
-LH just arm dragged Marduk and tossed him into a wall. Reminiscent of the Daniel Bryan/Big Show feud.
-The match has begun. It’s a track and field contest. How boring.
-They’re running in circles, just like this movie.
-LH is slowly gaining his superpowers back. He just got back his super speed back. Next is his super smooth pick up lines. Look out, ladies!
-“My son will live as a mortal. But, he’ll be the strongest mortal ever known.” He’ll be Arnold Schwarzenegger? Sweet!
-Kintaro showing sportsmanship? What kind of a villain is he?
-Marduk just exploded into yellow air? What the hell?!?
-LH wins! The audience loses!
-Let me get this straight. LH chooses his destiny to be a mortal and now he’s going back to Mount Olympus. Where’s the sense in that?
-“Curtis, I am so proud of you!” Why? He didn’t do anything except run his mouth.
-Zeus magically appeared again. The way the blue light glowed, it looked the principal just had a raging boner. I was about to call Chris Hansen again.
-“Olympus is for Gods, not puny mortals.” Way to be a douche bag, Zeus.
-LH will be spending most of his time on Earth and occasionally visit Mount Olympus. It’s as if his parents got divorced.
-The principal and Dana are hooking up. What’s that? Nobody cares? Oh well.
-The movie ends with Zeus saying, “Who’s your daddy?” and fist bumping the camera. Really?!?
-I said the movie ended with Zeus saying, “Who’s your daddy?” Stop narrating, Elliot Gould!
That’s “Little Hercules”. A rehashed underdog story told with mythical proportions. Those proportions are as puny as Gilbert Gottfried’s muscles. I swear this film’s budget was a few thousand bucks and a roll of Mentos. I’m also certain they edited it on Windows Movie Maker. I’m positive that it sucked!
I’ll see you all next week!