At some point in most people’s lives, you will get “the talk.”
Ok, maybe not THAT one, but a talk none the less. The talk I’m referring to is dissuasion from what all the cool kids are doing. Perhaps there was a bridge or other high place involved.
While you were talked out of the shoes, the piercing, or equally silly thing, independent wrestlers are far harder to talk out of these fads. All too often, there is no voice of reason.
Today, I have dusted off my soapbox for this public service announcement. While I have the utmost respect for what these guys do, I can not bare the pain of seeing these mistakes made time and time again. Here are five things that are ruining independent wrestling.
Being Obvious:
At this point, I feel confident in saying that those of us exposed to wrestling during the Monday Night Wars are well aware that this is all purely for entertainment. At this same time, I don’t want to see how the magic of the entertainment comes to be. I don’t need to see all of the moving parts to enjoy the show.
Case and point: An over zealous ring announcer timing a match on his cell phone. Nevermind the referee that set his watch when the bell rang. There are now officially two reasons for you not to literally jump up and down while waving your hand in front of your face like John Cena in Moon Shoes to say how much time is left in the match.
Honorable mention goes out to the ring announcers I’ve seen that just so happen to have the “mystery opponent’s” information already written down on an index card.
Really?
A second honorable mention to the workers out there that like to get into kick exchanges while wearing tights. Good for you guys throwing about 20 kicks into each other, but your freshly slapped bright red thighs make you look like morons.
Puroresu:
Recently, I attended an event that opened with a tag match. One team was made up of two younger gentlemen. This team was called “The Dragons” and came complete with matching Asian words on their tights.
Following their match, next out from the curtain was an intimidating gentleman that went by “The Shogun” and demanded everyone bow to him. What did all three men have in common? All three implied some sort of far east connection and did absolutely NOTHING related to the gimmick.
Look, you’re not Japanese.
The fact that you’re wrestling preliminary matches for an off the radar local promotion makes me think the closest you’ve been to Japan was probably a sushi bar.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with incorporating some Asian flare into your persona, but what exactly is the point of decking yourself out with all of this stuff if your style is the complete opposite? These are the same type of people that wear kickpads despite the fact that they really don’t throw kicks. Think about that.
When you break it down, it’s simple logic: If you want to use the Japanese style, be smart about it. If you’re implying that you’re some sort of martial artist, check your powerslams at the door.
And then there’s this guy:
Davey, I can respect what you’ve accomplished in professional wrestling and what you can do in the ring. I get that, but you’re not Japanese either. Because you’ve now made a name for yourself with this half-assed Japanese style, the smaller guys think all they have to do to get over is wear kickpads and sweat a lot just like you did. I swear to God, the next time I see some scrawny ass in the opening match take a finisher and jump right up screaming, I’m going to start blasting.
The same thing applies to the standing forearm/punch/kick/slap exchange. Punch, punch, scream. Punch, scream, punch, scream…by the time I’ve seen this for the fourth time on the show, I’m ready to start screaming and punching myself in the face.
Bottom line: You’re not special if you’re the eighth person on the show to do the same thing. You’ll never make yourself stand out by doing what all the cool kids are doing.
Bad Referees:
Nothing can ruin a match faster than a bad referee. The second I’m paying attention to you instead of the match, and it’s not part of an angle, you’re doing it wrong.
Sadly, this appears to be a global problem. While watching an Ayumi Kurihara match from CMLL in Mexico, I was blown away by a referee so out of shape that he couldn’t get down to count a pin fast enough. When the majority of pinfalls are a 6 count, it may be time to think about selling t-shirts.
Speaking of pinfalls, please don’t make it so obvious that this isn’t the deciding pinfall. Every pin attempt should be as consistent as humanly possible. It detracts so much from a match when you lose that aura of it potentially ending at any moment. Bryce Remsburg is my homeboy for two reasons: His amazing 8x10s and the fact that he is consistently a big match referee. Take notes, people.
Shane Douglas Syndrome:
Being an independent wrestling promotion gives you certain creative liberties larger companies do not have. With no concerns over FCC regulations, major sponsors, or political pressures dictating your content, your restrictions are self imposed. For some, this is where Shane Douglas Syndrome rears its ugly head:
Just because you can do something does not mean that you should.
Profanity is an art. A properly dropped F-bomb is a thing of beauty in any context. But once that single bomb turned into a carpet bombing, you’ve now lost your impact. You can only “shock” your audience so many times before you’ve completely desensitized them.
Ian Rotten:
Just kidding….
Folks, my time on the soapbox is just about up. I can only hope these words of wisdom will some day pop up the next time Skilled Death Artist #24666 thinks about doing that 10 second delay suplex.