Direct to DVD Dissection gives you a warning that you should heed immediately, a “spiritual successor” to the movie Vampires Suck, Breaking Wind.
Released March 27th, 2012
The Story
Following and parodying the events from “Eclipse” and “New Moon”, it follows Bella’s trials and tribulations with Edward and Jacob. Aside from dealing with this, Victoria is looking to raise a vampire army to destroy Edward for killing her mate.
The Cast
Heather Ann Davis as Bella, the girl who finds herself in the middle of a love triangle with mythical beings. She’s worked on video shorts, the TV series “The Lake”, and on the video game “L.A Noire”.
Eric Callero as Edward, a vampire who falls in love with Bella. He played Cody Deveraux in the Conan era of The Tonight Show, as well as appeared in another parody movie, “The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It” (yes, that’s the title), also as Edward .
Frank Pacheco as Jacob, a werewolf that also shares feelings over Bella, with a grudge with Edward. He’s appeared on various TV programs and TV movies, like Heroes, Wizards of Waverly Place,Shameless, and the new 90201.
Kelsey Collins as Victoria, a rival vampire going after Bella and Edward over the loss of her mate, James, at the hands of Edward. Working on a few video shorts and TV movies, mostly comedy.
Frank Pacheco as Jacob. He's fat. Get it?
The Discussion:
For a good part of it’s inception, this series was always about trying to give you, the reader, something new to check out at your local rental place of choice. From foreign action movies to Asylum gems to even some misunderstood movies, all asking you to keep an eye out and give these picks a chance.
However, there are sometimes where I have to step in, and point to something terrible that you should, under no circumstances, ever see. This movie, is one such case.
Now, ever since 2008, the Twilight series has caused a big sensation in theaters, and a lot of people have jumped on the bandwagon to hate this movie as much as it has to join the love bandwagon. Many places, like the Rifftrax website, founded by members of the Sci-Fi version of Mystery Science Theater 3000, have been vocal in cracking jokes to varying degrees of success. Even the masterminds of the “Movie” series , Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, gave their own attempt with 2010’s “Vampires Suck”. Now, we have…this.
Originally under the title of “Sucker”, this movie just plain sucks. The main issue of the movie is that the movies seems to rely on primarily the same 3 or 4 jokes. The jokes will either be flatulence and poop humor based, taking the movie’s name to heart, or based on a crude sexual humor. There is almost no variation to the jokes for a majority of the movie. There are a few other jokes, like a reference to other movies or shows as well as a small one over how much Bella sucks as a character, but it’s the exception, not the rule.
Eric Callero As Edward. Probably the best actor in the movie.
Also, even though it’s suppose to parody the Breaking Dawn movie, nerly all of the movie revolves around Eclipse’s story. Breaking Dawn is only mentioned in a very short bit at the end. A segment that features reactions to a Twilight trailer goes on longer. Another thing is, while the movie tries to have actors that look a lot like the actual actors in the Twilight movies, it’s hit or miss a lot of the time.
The movie feels like a movie built on premise first and story second, and it shows. The actors aren’t given anything to work with in the dialog, even with Danny Trejo’s minor cameo role. The only guy who sounds like he can crash through the glass ceiling of this movie is the Edward actor, Eric Callero. He at least delivers some good lines here or there with how he performs them.
There really is nothing good about this movie. In fact, this movie actually helps to improve “Vampires Suck” if comparing the two. In “Sucks” case, there is a few things that work with it, and you can say it tries things out. However, for this movie, it fails to hit even that mark.
Beyond the movie, the disc features some special features, mostly behind the scenes footage and a trailer. The behind the scenes footage is more interesting than the actual movie, to be honest. It’s also not close enough of a reason to even rent this thing for a night to watch.
The Verdict:
AVOID! At All Costs.