Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia. With St. Patrick’s Day fast approaching, I decided to induct a “Leprechaun” movie into Movienalia. What better way to represent St. Patrick’s Day then with a leprechaun, right? Even better, let’s send him to the hood.
So sit back, relax, grab a bowl of Lucky Charms and enjoy my torture of “Leprechaun In The Hood”!
-Nothing says the hood like a dusty underground lair.
-“Death to he who sets a Leprechaun free.” These exact words will be uttered when Snooki gives birth.
-“No one is safe from a Lep in the hood.” This line will be spoken of in English courses for years to come.
-A hip hop version of the “Leprechaun” theme. Dig it!
-Just what I always wanted to see; Ice-T take on a leprechaun.
-With Ice-T in this, would the alternate title for this film be “Law & Order: The Hood”?
-Is this a deleted scene from the blaxplotation version of “Holes”?
-Ice-T with an afro may be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.
-Who the hell hides burgers and liquor underground?
-Ice-T is the light version of Shaft.
-Ice-T just threw his partner through a wall due to him screwing up the directions to the gold. I believe he does this to Richard Belzer all the time on the set of SVU.
-Throw a person through a wall and find a hidden lair full of gold. A practice used famously in the gold rush.
-I know that when the Leprechaun is defeated, he is turned into stone. What I want to know is what happened in his last battle that ended with him doing a gangster pose and wearing bling.
-“You midget Midas motherfucker.” Had this been the title of the movie, it would have sold a billion copies… in it’s first week of release.
-Of course Ice-T would have a secret handshake.
-“Now we’re moving up to the east side.” We get it. They’re black. No need to make references to “The Jeffersons” you racist bastards.
-Ice-T’s partner just took the bling off of the Leprechaun. You know what they say. “Mess with a Leprechaun’s bling, you’ll feel his mighty sting.”
-The Leprechaun just stabbed Ice-T’s partner in the neck with his comb. What a pathetic way to go.
-If my partner was killed with a comb, I wouldn’t pull out a gun. I’d pull out a hair dryer.
-“Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty, I’m free at last.” Warwick Davis uttered these same words after filming the final “Leprechaun” film.
-Ice-T hides knives in his afro. Why didn’t Carlito think of doing the same thing when he was in the WWE?
-How the hell did a baseball bat fit into his afro?
-The Leprechaun can use magic and knock whatever’s in your hand out of it. Stop pulling crap from your hair and just tackle him.
-“Stealing my gold is a sure way to grow old.” You know what’s another sure way to grow old? Aging.
-Leprechaun is going to conceal Ice-T into this underground lair. It’s like a precursor to “Saw”.
-Ice-T blew smoke in the Leprechaun’s face, causing him to fall backwards and knock the bling back onto his chest. He is now frozen into a statue again. That was the quickest movie in the series so far.
-Not only does Ice-T get to escape, but he gets the golden flute as a consolation prize. Good deal!
-“Motown, here I come!” With that flute, it’s more like “H.R. Pufnstuf, here I come!”
-Karaoke rapping is simply depressing. Especially when you’re only singing to three people.
-You know you’re a terrible when you blow up the stage.
-“If we win this contest, we’ll be going to the Vegas Hip Hop Café.” The Leprechaun already went to Vegas. Pick another location. How about the Oklahoma City Hip Hop Stop ‘N’ Shop.
-“The only record deal y’all are getting is with the LAPD.” He obviously is referring to the Leprechaun Association of Profession Derailment.
-I don’t think your DJ blew up the stage because he’s a virgin. That doesn’t even make sense.
-“If a tree falls in the bathroom, take time to smell the forest.” What?!?
-“Our unconscious beliefs control our behavior. Only through daily positive affirmation can we overcome.” Not only does this movie deliver on a crazed Leprechaun killing spree, it also gives us life lessons. It’s a jack of all trades. None of them that very good, but you get the point.
-“You just got to think positive.” That’s right. Just pretend that you’ll have a career after this movie and you’ll be able to make it through the day.
-They’re trying to pawn off a guitar that was used by Jimi Hendrix. As it turns out, it was used by Jimmy Hendricks, a homeless man down by the river.
-“It’s Post Master P because I deliver a positive message.” That message being, “It could be worse. We could be stuck in a “Demonic Toys” sequel”.
-“You need to get yourself some pussy before you blow off your dick.” Your dick can blow up if you go without pussy for a long time? I’ll be damned!
-“Do I look stupid?” Do you really want me to answer that question?
-“Hip and hop your black ass home.” We’re going to be treated to a lot of racist comments such as this, aren’t we?
-After that Leprechaun encounter, Ice-T became a pimp and a pioneer of hip hop. He also owned asses. I hope that’s not literally.
-“Bitches and hoes ain’t all my man knows.” He also knows algebra.
-Milli Vanilli of hip hop rap may be one of the greatest insults I’ve ever heard.
-It’s hard to take a pimp seriously when he’s carting around a flute.
-Ice-T keeps the Leprechaun statue in his office. I’d like to imagine it’s safely secured in his home now.
-“It’s not much, but it’s not the worst.” I’ve heard this way too often in my life.
-Ice-T doesn’t believe in positive messages. He wants you to smack your bitch up. He must be best friends with Chris Brown.
-“I hope you had sex last night because I’m going to come over there and cut off your dick.” That’s no way to talk to your father, Ice-T.
-“I’m going to burn this shit after it comes out of my dog’s ass.” What I gather from this is that Ice-T is going to do the flaming bag of poo gag on his neighbors with an added penis to boot.
-Ice-T kicked them out of his office because they’re too preachy and don’t want to smack some bitches. A common practice at Def Jam Records.
-When I’m angry, I don’t go to the rooftops in my boxers and destroy milk crates with a baseball bat. To each their own, I guess.
-The solution to your problem isn’t the lottery. Unless you’re Bow Wow.
-Stealing a Leprechaun statue also isn’t the solution to your problem. Now, if you steal the Leprechaun statue and win the lottery, you may be on to something.
-“Kind of like Robin Hood. Only difference is we’ll be robbing in the hood.” The virgin shouldn’t be allowed to speak.
-“I’ll see y’all on Judge Judy.” Not Judge Joe Brown?
-I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stolen a Leprechaun statue to perform at a hip hop club in Las Vegas.
-You’re supposed to be stealing the statue, not knocking over his book collection.
-They got caught by Ice-T. He’s going to be pissed that his “Harry Potter” collection has been destroyed.
-Why would you blow up the glass case that the statue is locked in? Just break the glass.
-Post Master P just shot Ice-T. Don’t worry, there was a positive message behind it. He was saving Ice-T from having to appear longer in this film.
-They took the bling off of the Leprechaun. Shit’s about to get real.
-They’re stealing his flute. Anything but the flute! How else is Ice-T going to stand out?
-“Unhand me gold you thieving hoods. You’ve got more loot than Tiger Woods.” They don’t have as many whores as he does, though.
-Shooting a leprechaun is like making a more successful film than Steven Seagal. It’s not hard to do and won’t accomplish anything.
-They escaped with the gold. They left their dignity behind.
-Ice-T is still alive. The bullet hit his bling. Guns may kill people, but bling saves lives.
-“A lot of time has come and passed. But still I see, you’re a big, fat ass.” That’s no way to talk about Ice-t’s wife, Coco.
-Ice-T is at the Parrot. What a terrible name for a bar.
-The worst thing in life is being stalked by a Leprechaun in a public restroom.
-It wouldn’t be a movie without Ice-T smoking some dope.
-The Leprechaun likes to get high. Go figure.
-You know who else smokes dope? The writers of this movie.
-“A friend with weed is a friend indeed.” We found the way to avoid the Leprechaun’s wrath. Get him some dope.
-“But, a friend with gold is the best, I’m told.” What if they have both weed and gold?
-The Leprechaun just ripped off Ice-T’s finger to get his gold ring. You could have just asked for it, you prick.
-“Now, get me gold in record time or you’ll suffer a bloody, hideous crime.” You’re going to make him watch the other “Leprechaun” movies?
-The Leprechaun just killed the bartender by electrocuting him with a pole. Just go with it.
-The Leprechaun is jamming to rap. It was only a matter of time.
-Our hero rap group is pawning off the gold for new equipment. The positive message here is, “We need new equipment, mother fuckers!”
-Not only did they get new gear, but they got five hundred and fifty dollars to boot. Considering how much gold they stole, that’s a rip off.
-The Leprechaun can hear the flute from anywhere. It’s like a cheap dog whistle.
-This movie is unrealistic. Nobody is that mesmerized by a flute.
-Chow is going to set them up with some party equipment. I hear he has a good deal on streamers and kazoos.
-Chow will dance if they do a music video. Do the music video!
-“Chow no fake the funk. Chow keep it real.” No fake the funk sounds like a Z-grade hip hop song.
-Post Master P is playing the flute again. Everybody instantly gets a boner.
-“Chow one nasty mother.” Shut your mouth!
-Is the Leprechaun getting lucky with that honey at the bar? That’s a sex tape I don’t want to see.
-“Fuck! They got the flute.” I never thought I’d hear Ice-T utter that phrase.
-The pawn dealer mistook the Leprechaun for a kid selling Halloween costumes. Do we need this gag in every “Leprechaun” movie?
-“What gang do you belong to, The Shrimps?” What gang do you belong to, the Screen Actors Rejects?
-The Leprechaun just walked away. What a cop out!
-Jackie Dee is hooking up with Jackie Cee. Get it?
-The leprechaun can impersonate a woman? Just another reason to avoid hookers.
-Jackie Dee gets killed by a Leprechaun hooker. I wonder what kind of diseases they carry.
-Post isn’t pleased with the way he got the money. He’s going to be mopey for the rest of the film. Fantastic.
-“Things will be different now, I swear.” We’ll only kill street urchins from now on.
-Ice-T is crashing the party. He’s more of a buzz kill than Buzz Killington. Oh wait, I forgot this isn’t “Family Guy”. I don’t have cutaways.
-Ice-T isn’t angry about being shot. He’s just mad it was with his own gun. The man has priorities.
-“Where’s my fucking flute?” I can’t stop laughing at how precious a flute is to Ice-T.
-The group jumped into garbage to escape. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere.
-“How somebody as smart as you going to believe in ghosts?” A lot of smart people believe in ghosts, you asshole.
-I could have gone my whole life without seeing a crystal dildo.
-When you need to lie low, chilling with the town’s sole transvestite isn’t the best way to go.
-The Leprechaun is going after Chow. Will he impersonate a hooker again?
-“Counting ill-gotten gains will cause you suffering and pain.” That message wasn’t for Chow. It was for the gang over at The Asylum for constantly ripping off Hollywood blockbusters.
-All he did was choke Chow. How lame.
-“I’m a waistband. Straight from the wasteland.” These lyrics are horrible! Alvin and the Chipmunks have more street cred than these guys.
-They woke up a cranky neighbor. I take it the Leprechaun is going to slice his ass shortly.
-“We really fucking suck!” You can say that again.
-What is he even playing on the flute? It resembles the sound of Jimmy Kimmel’s audience; pure silence.
-“Do what you gotta do.” Warwick Davis’ motto.
-Why does Chow have body parts in jugs in his shop? Does Hannibal Lecter run the place?
-The transvestite is stripping. My eyes, they burn!
-The transvestite is flirting with the Leprechaun. I’m uncomfortable.
-“I didn’t come to play with fruit. I only seem me magic flute.” Magic flute is code for penis.
-Those screams from the transvestite better be of him/her being killed, not having sex. I don’t want to imagine the Leprechaun giving it to him/her.
-The Leprechaun is having sex with the transvestite. That’ll replace the whale in my nightmares.
-The Leprechaun stabbed the transvestite in the throat. He’s a rough lover.
-I never thought I’d see a film where both Ice-T and a leprechaun are furiously hunting down a flute.
-“See, the mix of a douche and a jelly is very, very, very combustible.” No, a mix of a douche and jelly is called Saturday night for Snooki.
-Why is the virgin a bombs expert?
-“Yo, shorty. You ain’t even as big as my dick.” If you’re dick is the size of a leprechaun, you may want to see a doctor.
-They just set the Leprechaun on fire. He probably already had a burning sensation after screwing that transvestite.
-“We unleashed a whole supernatural universal wack-pack.” That should be the name of their rap group.
-Post has to go see if his grandma’s all right. Obviously, this means she’s going to die.
-Of course she’s blind. Why wouldn’t she be?
-Post massages his grandmother’s bunions. I found a mental image more disgusting than the Leprechaun fucking the transvestite.
-Poor Butch. Even Post’s grandmother is getting on his case for being a virgin.
-They crashed at a church for the night. No transvestites there (hopefully).
-“We need sanctuary in your sanctuary.” I tried using that as a pick-up line once. Didn’t work well.
-Does the priest really think it’s a good idea to let some foul-mouthed rappers sing for his church? That’s like asking Matt Stone and Trey Parker to direct an episode of “Barney”.
-“The Lord sees everything.” So, he seen the Leprechaun/transvestite sex scene? Poor guy.
-“Dig deep into your pockets and show your love.” I don’t think that’s legal to do in public.
-The Southside of Jerusalem is where Moses would be burning some bush.
-”Jesus loves me, this I know. If he don’t, I’ll find a… ho.” The New Bible has some dramatic changes.
-The magic flute saves the day. If he only it’d transport us to the end of this film.
-Where the fuck did Coolio come from?!?
-Rapping about Jesus. That’ll put butts in seats.
-The key to everything you ever wanted is a flute. How sad.
-I have to admit, this comical scene made me laugh. The boys are hiding from Ice-T in a closet. They go down the line fist bumping each other. Butch fist bumps the Leprechaun who acts like one of their homies. He waits a few seconds, then they all start screaming. It’s like a Looney Tunes cartoon done in an “R” rated horror film.
-The Leprechaun just used his magic to blow a hole through Ice-T’s assistant’s chest. What a horrible blow job!
-Why did the Leprechaun just let Ice-T walk? He doesn’t have your flute anymore. You have no use with him.
-If the Leprechaun can magically blow a man’s insides out, I think he can break through a door. Just saying.
-Post Master P has an idea. I hope it’s one with a good message.
-“All kidding aside. It’s time to die.” That’s the best Leprechaun could come up with? I guess they all can’t be winners.
-They locked the Leprechaun in a safe. That hasn’t worked in the past.
-The flute won’t record on tape. So much for it being magical.
-They’re leaving the Leprechaun with the priest while they go to Vegas. We just found a deleted scene from “The Hangover”.
-“From the depths of the nether world, I summon you; me zombie fly girls.” Zombie fly girls? Is that a mix of Jeff Goldblum and zombie strippers?
-The most gangster of rap groups have flutes.
-I love how their plan goes from raps with good messages to raps about an evil Leprechaun and Ice-T.
-A Zombie Fly Girl just looks like a prostitute. How disappointing.
-The reverend likes to get freaky with prostitutes. Aren’t they a bit too old for him?
-When a prostitute’s eyes glow green, keep the snake in your pants.
-The Leprechaun just ripped his hand through the reverend’s chest. I’d question how he got out of the safe, but I really don’t care.
-“Stray bullet to the heart.” At this point, I think I’d take a stray bullet to the heart.
-The vice president of A&R for Dope Discs Productions looks like Philip Seymour Hoffman if he were a pimp.
-The gang is going to Vegas. But, we were already there two movies ago. Are they going to go to space, too?
-The zombie fly girls have invaded the group’s dressing room. They need to get used to this. All top bands have groupies with glowing green eyes.
-“The crowds were impressed. They loved every note. But how will you sound from the bottom of me moat?” They’ll sound like garbage, as per usual.
-Oh no! The Leprechaun made him shoot his gun in the air. That evil bastard.
-“I’ll give you a choice. Me patience is drained. Give me the flute or I paint the wall with his brains.” What will you paint? Make it a pony!
-They gave the Leprechaun the flute and they’re saved. If only they did that from the start, we wouldn’t be dealing with this mess.
-“As they say, lad. So near and yet so far. Now live with the thought. You were almost a star.” Warwick Davis has to live with that thought every day.
-The Leprechaun made Stray shoot himself. Who could have seen that coming?
-“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” I was supposed to be in a “Child’s Play” sequel.
-“Stray died for nothing?” Pretty much.
-“A stinkin’ corpse in a shitty car to be found by some wino?” Ah, life in Brooklyn.
-Are the zombie fly girls the Leprechaun’s groupies?
-“She’s the bomb.” This new catchphrase from the Leprechaun won’t catch on.
-The Leprechaun is targeting Post’s grandmother. Called it!
-The Leprechaun is no match for a cranky old blind lady.
-Watching a blind woman try to feed someone is like watching Chris Kattan try to do comedy; it’s very sad.
-The blind lady poked the Leprechaun’s eye out with a fork. Is she going to feed it to him?
-It was all a nightmare of Post’s. How your grandmother defeating the Leprechaun is a nightmare is beyond me.
-He had a nightmare within a nightmare. The second one was Stray’s corpse knocking at his door. I wonder what his next nightmare will be. Probably his future.
-This time he’s awake. The person knocking at his door is Butch who’s wearing night goggles. They make him look like a rundown version of Cyclops.
-They’re going to get the magic flute back. They’re off to see the Leprechaun, the deadly Leprechaun of Brooklyn.
-Leprechauns are descendants of Satan? I knew Hornswoggle was a little bastard.
-Weed with four-leaf clovers in it is Butch’s plan. It’s the perfect dope for St. Patrick’s Day.
-The Leprechaun has his own room at the Parrot. He’s finally got it made.
-The Leprechaun is fucking hookers to death. What is he, a politician?
-Butch and Post are dressing up as women. Enough with men in drag!
-Why didn’t they give themselves fake breasts? Why am I asking this?
-Whatever happened to Ice-T? Did he run as far away as possible from the set?
-“Lep in the hood. Come to do no good.” You got that right.
-“Damn, Post! You look good for real.” Butch wants to fuck Post.
-The Leprechaun fell asleep. He must have been watching a rough cut of this film.
-New ho meat and fresh weed? These guys know how to please a Leprechaun.
-“Come closer, come closer my fresh young lass. Let me take a look at you, before I tap your ass.” The Leprechaun is the most convincing pimp in this movie.
-“Sit down, sit down my healthy filly. You’re about to meet a club named Billy.” The Leprechaun calls his penis Billy. Mine is called Rambo.
-“They say in the hood, you’re never down. Unless you’ve the courage to go downtown.” The only way to make it in the word is to blow a leprechaun, apparently.
-The Leprechaun passed out. I guess all of these cheesy rhymes drained him.
-Post stole the flute. Somebody hit the “That was easy” button.
-Butch got shot. At least he went out the way he wanted to; dressed as a woman in a bar named the Parrot.
-“Is there pussy in heaven, Post?” These are the questions we ask ourselves every day.
-Ice-T returns to kill Butch. Where was he hiding this whole time? The set of “Sonic Impact”? Nobody would find him there.
-Post is going postal. See what I did there?
-Ice-T had the bling that would turn the Leprechaun into stone this whole time. Why didn’t he use it already?
-Ice-T, Post could easily kill you and take the bling and use it against the Leprechaun himself. He doesn’t need your assistance.
-Post shot Ice-T. Here’s hoping he didn’t shoot his bling again.
-The Leprechaun is awake. He’s angry because he was dreaming he was in a better movie.
-“For a foe of mine, you’ve done quite well. Now, I’ll take me flute and send you to hell.” Is there pussy in Hell?
-Post is mocking the Leprechaun. Shit just got real.
-“I’ll take it from you, homie, you’ll see. ‘Cause you know the Lep is the real O.G.” Words can’t describe how terrible that line is.
-Ice-T is still alive and he’s right behind the Leprechaun. I guess Ice-T is invincible. He must have found the Holy Grail when he disappeared a half hour ago.
-“A valiant try and right on queue. But, if I fall for that, I’m as stupid as you.” At least that’s better than the O.G. line.
-Ice-T just broke a chair over the Leprechaun’s head. ECW! ECW! ECW!
-The Leprechaun just blew a hole through Ice-T’s chest. Boo! You did that already.
-The bling landed on the Leprechaun again. You know, when it’s flying in the air, he could just move.
-Postmaster P is now a successful rapper. Yay.
-Post’s eyes are glowing green. Does that mean the Leprechaun possessed him or fucked him?
-The Leprechaun is his manager. Alrighty then!
That’s “Leprechaun In The Hood”. I guess after space there was nowhere else to go. He should have came down here to Amish Country. That would have been interesting. It probably would have been better than this. To be honest, this isn’t that bad. You get what you expect from a movie called “Leprechaun In The Hood”. A lot to laugh at, but a fun party movie. You could do a lot worse for St. Patrick’s Day.
I’ll see you all next week!