Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! This week’s film starts one of my favorite actors, Bela Lugosi. As much as I love him, he’s done his fair share of garbage. This week’s film, “Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla”, may be his worse. It’s easily the most misleading.
So kick back, relax, put on your gorilla suit and enjoy my torture of “Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla”!
-What does Bela Lugosi do after meeting this Brooklyn Gorilla? Does he take it out to dinner?
-Brooklyn looks very tropical.
-Additional dialogue is done by “Ukie”. No “Pookie”, however.
-“This is the jungle.” I was expecting an urban jungle. I guess beggars can’t be choosers.
-Nobody cares about the tigers, pythons and various other animals. I want a Brooklyn gorilla!
-“Kill or be killed. This is the law of the jungle.” Another law of the jungle is Hawaiian shirts are only to be worn on casual Fridays.
-“Who are these men? What can they possibly be doing in this cruel, tropical wilderness?” They better be getting a damn gorilla and taking it to Brooklyn!
-Two drunk idiots are being surrounded by men with pitchforks. So far, this is the only thing reminiscent of Brooklyn.
-When someone speaks another language in a film, it’s courteous to add subtitles. Just saying.
-Either the tradition in this culture is he who wears the bird mask is all-powering or this guy is just a big Sam “Snap” Wilson fan.
-I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!
-Now they’re speaking English. Why not just do that from the start?
-She just picked up one of the men’s jacket and read that it said Mervyn inside. “Look, father. I think one of these men is named Mervyn.” You don’t say.
-The two idiots are awake. One looks like Steve-O and sounds like he’s on helium.
-Steve-O’s father has the most obnoxious laugh. I’d like to beat him with a garden hose.
-“How did you get lost in the jungle?” Very easily. It’s a jungle and they didn’t know where they were at. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to deduct that mystery.
-They accidentally jumped off of their plane by mistaking the exit for the powder room. They’re like Abbott and Costella without the brains or wit.
-“You sure look super, chief! Get it? Super chief!” Where the hell is the Brooklyn gorilla to swallow this man whole?
-“Tonight, we have great luau.” Tomorrow we have a boring business meeting about sexual harassment in the work area.
-“My people will sing and dance for you.” They’ll dance on graves to resurrect the dead and sick them on your obnoxious asses.
-“Don’t mind my friend. He’s dumb and foolish.” That’s a nice way of saying he’s an idiotic asshole.
-“They’re eating off the floor. What’s the matter, can’t they afford chairs?” They’re on an island, you prick!
-Steve-O’s father is now mocking their language. What a jackass!
-“Don’t hit me. It hurts me in the head.” Really? Here I thought hitting you in the head caused pain in your knees. Thanks for clearing that up, Doctor Dumbass!
-“My people are happy to entertain you.” I’m not.
-Steve-O’s father (his name is Sammy, but I’m not calling him that) is being hooked up with a fat woman. I find this more cruel than funny. I kind of hope he makes a rude comment so she’ll bash his brains in.
-You think the polite guy would be named Sammy and the annoying one Dukie, not the other way around.
-“Saloma think you beautiful.” Saloma must be blind.
-“I need to get away from this blimp or she’ll kill me.” Didn’t take long for a fat joke. I’d rather be fat than an annoying prick who sounds like his balls are constantly being pinched.
-Steve-O Sr. is now dancing. And by dancing, I mean seemingly having a seizure.
-The island there on is called Cola Cola. Steve-O Sr. just made a joke about Pepsi. If he’s a comedian, then I’m a rocket scientist.
-“You want to here a funny one?” Depends. Define funny.
-“I haven’t had a bit for three days. You know what I did? I bit him.” I didn’t know Hannibal Lecter was a comedian in his former life.
-Don’t encourage him by laughing. He’s about as funny as Anne Frank’s diary.
-Saloma wants to dance with Steve-O Sr. He doesn’t want to, prompting her to yank on his arm. I hope she yanks it off and beats him with it.
-She’s giving him an airplane spin. Yay!
-Dukie is singing. At least it’s better than Steve-O Sr.’s shtick.
-Saloma is crawling after Steve-O Sr. This is getting weird and uncomfortable.
-We finally get a mention of Brooklyn thanks to the moon. That’s right, the moon. Not Bela Lugosi or a gorilla, but the fucking moon!
-In order to be queen of an island, you must have a college education. You learn something new everyday.
-Saloma is still chasing Steve-O Sr. She’s standing upright now. I hope she catches him and roasts him. A bit too far, I admit.
-“We’re a part of an entertainment group.” For who? The deaf, dumb and blind?
-“A ship stops here every two months.” Bela Lugosi better be the captain of it with a gorilla as his sidekick.
-There’s only one white man that lives on Cola Cola. That’s racist.
-Steve-O Sr. just told a bunch of animals to run for their lives from Saloma. Not going to lie, that made me laugh.
-Steve-O Sr. is pretending to be a totem pole. A totem pole has more charisma and charm than he does.
-Saloma finally caught him. Time for snu snu?
-“You can’t take a goodbye home and leave him with just a good night.” You have to give him a biscuit in order to make it a great night.
-Dukie and Nona are developing a relationship. The audience is developing a headache.
-All Saloma did was return Steve-O Sr. to his home on the island. If only it were in a body bag.
-Saloma kissed him on the cheek. He sold it like death.
-“Wait for me in the glove department, will ya?” Wait, what?!?
-Steve-O Sr. doesn’t know what vice versa means. He also doesn’t know what comedy means.
-If Dr. Zabor lives in a castle, chances are he’s insane. The movies have never lied to me before. Except for all of those times they lied to me.
-Simply mentioning Brooklyn doesn’t justify the title.
-“This not only looks like Death took a holiday, but that he got a hangover from taking it.” If only he had more lines like this. Instead, he has the occasional golden egg in a basket of shit.
-“I just wish I was back in Brooklyn…” I wish this movie was set in Brooklyn.
-Bela Lugosi is Dr. Zabor. About time he showed up.
-Dr. Zabor is perplexed by white men, He must have thought he was the only one.
-“Any person who lives in a creep joint like this must be a moronic idiot.” So, you live there, Steve-O Sr.?
-“Welcome to my creep joint.” I’m used to only hearing rapists say this.
-“Don’t I know you from someplace?” Yeah, you’ve seen Bela Lugosi in better movies.
-They believe Dr. Zabor is Bela Lugosi. What a terrible joke just to have an exotic movie title.
-Laughing makes you a vampire, apparently. I guess Steve-O Sr. is just surprised to hear someone actually laugh.
-Bela Lugosi wants to have sex with Noma. I guess if your choices are him and a Dean Martin reject, you go with the reject.
-Steve-O Sr. in a suit is like putting a tuxedo on a rat. It still looks filthy.
-Dr. Zabor uses monkeys as his guinea pigs. Where does he keep the Brooklyn gorilla?
-Dr. Zabor is currently working on the Evolution theory. Meanwhile, Bela Lugosi is working on getting a better gig.
-Dr. Zabor has found the growth gene and speed up the growing process. Can he speed up the progress of this movie, preferably to the end?
-Steve-O Sr. just had a spurt of genius. Too bad he’s going back to being an idiot.
-One of the apes is named Ramona. Does she have a sister named Beezus?
-Is Ramona from Brooklyn?
-Steve-O Sr. is getting smooched by an ape. I’m sure he’s used to hairy lovers.
-Dr. Zabor’s assistant, Pepe, may be able to get them off of the island. He better have them in Brooklyn before this movie ends or I’m going to be pissed.
-Noma is sad that Dukie may be leaving. You barely know him, for crying out loud!
-Ramona just locked Steve-O Sr. in the cage with her. Time for snu snu?
-Steve-O Sr. is talking to himself. He’s the only person that will listen.
-Ramona escaped from her cage. Will she help in the formation of the planet of the apes?
-Ramona hopped into bed with Steve-O Sr. They make a cute couple.
-Bela Lugosi just scared the shit out of Steve-O Sr. Way to go, Bela!
-Steve-O Sr. tried to put Ramona back in her cage, but she won’t let go of him. Why does he resist her love?
-Steve-O Sr. is rocking Ramona to sleep. If she’s having trouble sleeping, just show her this movie. She’ll be out like a light in no time.
-Steve-O Sr. fell asleep, so Ramona locked him in with her. This relationship is moving faster than the speed of light.
-“Babysitting a chimp? This I gotta see!” You know what I want to see? A Brooklyn gorilla! We’re nearly forty minutes in and you haven’t delivered on your promise. I haven’t been this betrayed by a movie since “Naked Lunch”.
-Dukie and Soma are feeding each other. The only thing I’m being fed is crap.
-Saloma is trying to feed Steve-O Sr. I hope she chokes him.
-Bela Lugosi doesn’t like it when people ditch dinner to make out. You can’t piss on hospitality. He won’t allow it!
-Steve-O Sr. is running away from Saloma again. How thin was this script?
-Saloma heard chicken noises, so she assumed it was Steve-O Sr. A good assumption, if I do say so myself.
-Dukie and Soma have only known each other for two days and they’re already engaged. This will end worse than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ relationship.
-Dukie is singing again. I think I’m going to go dunk my head in the toilet. That will be more enjoyable.
-Noma seems displeased with Dukie’s singing. The engagement may be off by the chorus.
-“Many kisses. She talk marriage. She give boy necklace, very serious.” Imagine Lurch saying this and you’ll understand the hilarity of this line.
-I think Dr. Zabor is going to use his growth enhancement serum on Ramona. Bela is finally going to meet a gorilla! If only this were happening in Brooklyn.
-“She will be big like gorilla, no?” No. She’s actually going to transform into a zebra.
-Ramona reverted back to an infant. Bullshit! I want a gorilla!
-“Now I can change a man into a gorilla.” That doesn’t make any sense. Just because you made a monkey revert back to infancy doesn’t mean the same serum will turn a man into a gorilla. By that means, steroids will give alligators a third nipple.
-Oh, so Dr. Zabor is going to change of our dull leads into a gorilla, hence they become a Brooklyn gorilla. I feel ripped off.
-Ramona grew back to her normal size. That serum worked as long as Mickey Rooney’s number one in the world status.
-Steve-O Sr. nearly froze to death after hiding in the trees from Soloma. A man can dream.
-“We need to get back to the states.” No, you need to get to the point.
-Dr. Zabor’s assistant, Chula, just abducted Dukie. Yay!
-You can tell Bela Lugosi is tiring of Steve-O Sr’s shtick. Poor fellow.
-I haven’t seen a man lifelessly carried into a room like this since Nick Nolte got arrested.
-Chula is taking off Dukie’s clothes. Cue the porn music.
-Dukie is lying unconscious and naked in a cage. Too bad I already wasted my Nick Nolte joke.
-Saloma just mocked Steve-O Sr. She’s my favorite character now.
-Dukie has transformed into the Brooklyn Gorilla. About damn time! We’re only fifty-five minutes into an hour and fourteen minute film.
-Where did they buy the gorilla costume, at a thrift store?
-“That’s the stupidest looking gorilla I ever saw!” For the first time ever, Steve-O Sr. speaks the truth.
-Dr. Zabor is leaving Steve-O Sr. with the gorilla. This better end in bloodshed.
-When the doctor’s away, Chula gets drunk. I’d be drinking to if I had to star in this movie.
-The gorilla is playing charades with Steve-O Sr. Just what I want to see out of a movie starring Bela Lugosi.
-Steve-O Sr. just found Ramona, who he believed was now a gorilla. Come to think of it, weren’t there more apes in his laboratory? If so, why wouldn’t Dr. Zabor just say he made one of the other ones grow? Why am I expecting logic in this movie? That’s like expecting Brett Ratner to be a respectable human being.
-Steve-O Sr. found Duke’s clothes, but can’t put two and two together. I don’t expect him to automatically assume he’s been transformed into a gorilla. However, I do expect him to believe that Dr. Zabor killed him.
-“What am I, dumb or something?” Yes.
-“I’ve got a lot of talent.” Really? You’re not showing it.
-The gorilla is singing, which convinces Steve-O Sr. that the gorilla is Dukie. Any gorilla can sing. Take Ruben Studdard, for example.
-The gorilla is hugging Steve-O Sr. Squeeze him harder!
-The gorilla just punched Chula. He went down harder Crawford Grimsley.
-They’re organizing a search party for Dukie. They should be organizing a search party for a better script.
-Steve-O Sr. just suggested that Dukie be “The Singing Gorilla”. I swear that’s a Disney movie.
-When did Chula regain consciousness? Furthermore, how did he slip past Dukie and Steve-O Sr. (who never left the room) to find Dr. Zabor in the jungle?
-Dr. Zabor just told the tribe that if the gorilla comes to their hut to kill her, as she’s dangerous (they still believe it’s Ramona). That may be a good thing for Dukie. It’ll prevent him from seeing his career go down the tubes.
-There are two gorillas? Where did the other come from, Queens?
-“Who can explain this?” Surely not your agent.
-Putting clothes on a gorilla doesn’t make it appear to be human.
-Dukie just left Steve-O Sr. in the room with the other gorilla. This can only end well (for the audience).
-Steve-O Sr. just bitch slapped the gorilla. Damn!
-Steve-O Sr. just discovered that the gorilla he slapped isn’t Dukie. Watching him cower in fear is glorious.
-Dukie can actually speak as a gorilla. Can he say, “Better project, please?”
-Dukie and Steve-O Sr. just bolted out of the house and are being chased by the other gorilla. Both gorillas crashed into Dr. Zabor and Chula. All that’s missing is “Yakety Sax”.
-Does Chula ever wear a shirt?
-Are the two gorillas about to make love? I didn’t sign on for animal porn.
-Noma and her family just found out Dukie is a gorilla. He’ll make a fine member of their family.
-Dr. Zubar’s got a gun and he just shot Steve-O Sr. How long until he gets a parade in his honor?
-This was all a nightmare of Steve-O Sr.’s. What a crock of shit!
-They’re in New Jersey. Even the cop out ending doesn’t take place in Brooklyn. The director loves to screw the audience.
-Noma and her father, who is in a gorilla suit, are backstage with Dukie. Was this all a dream or did Steve-O Sr. survive the gun shot and just now come through? The only thing that’s certain is that this movie is terrible.
-Chula, Pepe, Saloma and Dr. Zabor are also present. This ending sucks!
-Saloma and Steve-O Sr. are making out. I think I’m going to hurl.
-Steve-O Sr. liked it. Go figure.
-Why is this audience laughing? Dukie and Steve-O Sr. are terrible comedians! Maybe they’re laughing at their awfulness, like I am with this movie.
That’s “Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla”. One of the most misleading titles ever. Sure, Lugosi did eventually meet a Brooklyn gorilla. However, the gorilla was a man from Brooklyn who had been transformed. Which technically means Lugosi didn’t meet him, since he created him. The ending made it all seem like a bad dream. If only that were the case. This is a real bad movie.
I’ll see you all next week!
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