Welcome, one and all, to the final edition of “Love Sucks” month. As promised last week, this week’s film is about whores. It’s called “Showgirls”. I’m sure you’ve all heard of it. The most successful NC-17 rated film of all time. Not that it’s worth bragging about. Why you ask? Let’s find out.
So kick back, relax, do a striptease and enjoy my torture of “Showgirls”.
-Why does it look like she just walked off the set of a Reba McIntyre music video?
-Nomi Malone is hitching a ride to Las Vegas. You know, to attain the fame and fortune that the town is known for.
-It’s fitting that the person who she hitched a ride with looks like a douche bag version of Elvis Presley.
-Nomi just pulled a knife on Douchey Elvis because he hit on her. Her career as a showgirl isn’t going to last very long.
-When pulling over to kick somebody out of your car, make sure not to almost cause an accident in the process. It’s not that hard. Just make sure there’s no cars behind you before changing lanes. Douchey Elvis’ hair must have prevented him from seeing the truck behind him.
-When deciding to let Nomi stay in your car, make sure to not almost cause an accident. Douchey Elvis doesn’t know how to drive. He keeps it up and he’ll be singing the Jailhouse Rock.
-“Italian. You a mafia girl? Is that why you’ve got a blade?” Most mafia girls have a gun.
-When you tell someone you’re going to Las Vegas to dance, you shouldn’t be insulted when they assume it’s for erotic pleasure. That’s what Vegas is most known for.
-“You’ve got to gamble if you’re going to win.” One of the many life lessons learned in this movie.
-Aw, sweet! You can meet Strawberry Shortcake for $1.50.
-Douchey Elvis is going to try to hook Nomi up with a job. She could be his personal assistant. I’m sure somebody needs to gel that hair every ten minutes.
-I love how Nomi said she doesn’t gamble. Yet, the first thing she does when she gets to Vegas is play the slot machines.
-Nomi hit it big on the slots. She’s going to be pissed when she discovers she won Canadian money.
-Now she’s losing constantly. The addiction begins.
-A guy just asked if she wanted to make some money by “servicing” him. When she disagreed, he said, “Sooner or later, you’re going to have to sell it.” Classy.
-Running into traffic is a dumb idea. This time it was Nomi, not Douchey Elvis.
-Speaking of Douchey Elvis, he ditched her and took all of her belongings. Never trust someone who looks like Elvis Presley.
-Nomi started pounding on a woman’s car in anger. The car owner got in a cat fight with her. Nomi puked, so the woman goes to console her. Nomi snaps and runs into traffic (again). The woman saves her. Now they’re hugging. That may have been the quickest face turn I’ve ever seen.
-It’s Halloween. That means people in Las Vegas are in costumes. Wait a minute.
-The woman treated Nomi to dinner and asked her a few questions. After asking where she’s from, Nomi flips out. Nice why of saying thank you.
-Now she’s offering Nomi to crash with her. I normally don’t invite people who pound on my car and flip out on me for treating them to dinner to live with me.
-“Are you hitting on me?” Wait, what? She’s offering you to live with her, not sleep with her. If that’s hitting on someone, then I’m Casanova.
-Of course they live in a trailer. This is Las Vegas, after all.
-Six weeks later and Nomi is sitting around, watching television and eating chips. You know, because you need to go to Las Vegas to achieve that.
-Were they just about to get into a cat fight over chips?
-Molly invited Nomi to her job. I didn’t know it was “Take Your Crazy Roommate to Work With You” day.
-Ten minutes in and we get nudity. Light “R” nudity, not “NC-17” material. Step it up, movie.
-“You’ll be seeing a smiling snatch if you don’t fix this G-string.” I can’t decide if that’s hot or intimidating.
-“Who wants to see her snatch anyway?” This is Las Vegas. As long as someone has a snatch, somebody will want to see it.
-“Wouldn’t it be great if one of these days she fell down the stairs?” Only if funny sound effects accompanied it.
-A volcano set? What is this, “Joe’s Erection Versus the Volcano”?
-A nude woman named Cristal Conners just erupted from the volcano. Also erupting are the men in the audience.
-This dancing is about as erotic as Kevin James rubbing cocoa butter on his chest.
-“We could’ve brought anyone in for this show.” Seriously, we could have brought in anybody. The show sucks so bad anybody could perform in it.
-“Cristal Conners defines what Las Vegas is all about.” Whores?
-Did a reporter seriously ask her, “What about Broadway?” The only version of “Cats” she’ll be cast for is a pussy version, if you catch my drift.
-“She doesn’t suck.” When that’s the best compliment you receive, you may want to look into another field.
– Why does Cristal care if her top is too tight? It’s not going to be on for long.
-Leave it to Nomi to snap on Cristal within a minute of meeting her. Can she go longer than one minute before hating someone?
-“Your friend has nice nails.” The compliments in this movie are really weird.
-Elizabeth Berkley is channeling her best Nicolas Cage impersonation in this movie.
-Nomi doesn’t need to dance. She needs therapy.
-Nomi is skipping work to go clubbing. Considering she works at a club, that seems redundant.
-Is Nomi dancing or having a spasm?
-“She can dance.” The hell she can!
-That guy looks like Eddy Gordo from “Tekken”.
-Eddy Gordo’s going to bust a move.
-These people can’t dance. They can flail around a lot, but they can’t dance.
-Eddy Gordo just told her she can’t dance, so she kneed him in the nuts. We’re supposed to like Nomi why?
-Now there’s a brawl. Just go with it.
-Nomi got thrown in jail for starting the fight. If I’m supposed to feel bad, then they failed. I’m glad she’s locked up.
-Eddy Gordo (don’t care what his name is, I’m referring to him as such from now on) bailed her out, yet she acts like a bitch. Why the hell am I supposed to like her?!?
-“I don’t need anyone to teach me to dance.” Yes, you do. You also need someone to teach you some manners and respect.
-Nomi gets Eddy fired from his job and her response is, “Shit happens.” You know what, fuck her!
-“Life sucks!” So do you, Nomi.
-Is the only reason this movie is getting an NC-17 rating is because of all the boobs? If so, that’s disappointing. I hear NC-17 and I expect some edgy, jaw-dropping material. Not seeing something that appears every month in Playboy.
-Hey, it’s Robert Davi. This movie just got better.
-“My name isn’t Hope. It’s Penny.” IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!
-I wouldn’t classify glorified nudity as class. More like titillation.
-This woman’s trick is she can make her boobs pop out of her dress. Her parents must be so proud.
-“I’d have to piss on you to give you a clue.” What?!?
-According to Robert Davi, it’s okay if a man pulls out his dick and ejaculates on you, as long as he gives you a big tip.
-Nomi’s excuse for skipping work was that she was on her period. As disgusting as it is, I’m sure there are men who would love to get a lap dance from a woman on her period.
-“If you want to last longer than a week, you give me a blowjob.” Such a classy place.
-Cristal Conners’ boyfriend looks like Dermot Mulroney if he had a bad botox accident.
-Nomi’s nickname at the club is “The Girl to Tickle Your Pickle”. Who did she piss off? Oh, that’s right, her boss.
-Cristal Conners took her boyfriend to watch Nomi strip. Best girlfriend ever?
-I wouldn’t call swinging on a pole naked, then licking it, dancing.
-If you’re trying to prove to Cristal that you’re a dancer, fingering yourself won’t help.
-Did Cristal just get mad at Zack for watching Nomi strip? You brought him to a strip club. What did you expect him to do? Put a blindfold on and hum the national anthem?
-Nomi threw her shirt at Davi. He threw it back at her. Riveting.
-Cristal wants her and Zack to have a private dance with Nomi. She’s not going to yell at Eli every time Nomi grinds against him, is she?
-So, Zack is getting a private lap dance and Cristal is going to watch. What a messed up relationship.
-The security in this club is terrible. Eddy Gordo can peek into the private dances without being tossed out.
-Cristal is snorting cocaine while Zack gets an erection. Eddy Gordo is watching in the corner. This is extremely weird and isn’t erotic at all.
-Zack has to stare at Cristal the whole time? Why not just give him a lap dance yourself and save $500?
-Eddy Gordo just got caught. About damn time!
-Nomi’s completely naked and is dry humping Zack. Maybe she’ll get lucky and be saved by the bell before he cums.
-Boom goes the dynamite! Private dance session is over.
-“You are such a bitch!” How? She got you a lap dance. Be more appreciative.
-I get it. Strippers do drugs. Stop beating me over the head with it.
-Eddy Gordo tracked down Nomi. The first thing she does is slam the door on his face. Need I remind her he bailed her out of jail.
-“You got more natural talent when you dance then anybody I’ve ever seen.” Too bad she can’t dance.
-“You fuck them without fucking them.” This is how every parent and teacher should teach children about dry humping.
-Let me get this straight. Eddy wants to help Nomi so she doesn’t have to strip anymore. He wants her to dance in shows that Cristal Conners does. Which is, essentially, a glorified striptease. So, he basically wants her to evolve from slutty to slightly slutty.
-Molly got an A on her test. I didn’t even know she was going to college.
-“I haven’t gotten laid in six months.” You live in Las Vegas. How hard is it to get laid?
-We interrupt this NC-17 tale of striptease for shopping. I guess they’re giving our penises a break.
-Andrew Carver is coming to Las Vegas. My reaction: Who?
-Nomi just dry humped a dance pole. I hope she doesn’t lick it again.
-“When I seen you dance, I thought “yes”. When I seen Nomi dance, I thought “Somebody get that woman help.”
-“I want to see your ass.” You just seen her ass on stage for the past few minutes.
-“I don’t care if you live or die. I want to see you dance and I want to see you smile.” If you die, he’ll still make you dance and smile. That’s why he hired puppeteers.
-“Take a look at these tits. What are these, watermelons? This is a stage, not a patch.” You’re an entertainment director, not a comedian.
-“I hope you’ve got some nice wigs, tennis ball.” Tennis ball is the best insult you could come up with?
-“I’m watching you be a prick.” He’s just impersonating Bill O’Reilly.
-Is the dance instructor yelling “Ho”?
-The prick’s assistant looks like the hipster version of Ron Howard.
-Nomi passes. Yay.
-“Show me your tits.” The world’s best pick-up line.
-Why is Nomi hesitant to show him her tits? She flaunts them every night.
-If he wants them to sell their bodies, he should become a pimp.
-If you ever wanted to see Jessie Spano play with her tits, this is your movie.
-“I’m erect. Why aren’t you erect?” Another good pick-up line.
-The prick asks her to put ice on her tits. She flips out, naturally. This is becoming repetitive.
-Why are you angry that Cristal got you an audition? That’s a good thing. Stop being such a bitch!
-“The orthodontist convention is over there.” There’s an orthodontist convention? Why aren’t we seeing that instead?
-Eddy Gordo is a bellboy now. Maybe his next job will be a waiter.
-Eddy just gave a speech on showgirls and how they’re dishonest. Guess he wanted to teach Nomi to dance for different reasons (ballet, possibly). I’m sorry I misjudged you. I’ll do twenty kip-ups in your honor.
-Eddy just got fired for back-talking to his boss. Does anybody know how to keep a job in this movie?
-Eddy got Nomi the best meal in town. It was a burger. Las Vegas food must suck if that’s the best meal in town.
-Watching Eddy do an erotic dance is hilarious.
-Is Nomi giving him a dry blowjob? Is that even possible?
-Now they’re making out. Way to go, Eddy!
-Nomi’s on her period. Eddy had to personally check. Not a base you want to get to.
-“That’s alright. I got towels.” Don’t go down on her.
-“You can fuck me when you love me.” This would make for a good wedding vow.
-Nomi got the job as a showgirl. Didn’t see that coming.
-After telling him she quit to go to the Stardust, Robert Davi called Nomi a stripper. She said she’s a dancer. If you dance and eventually get naked, that makes you a stripper. Just because you have good production value to it doesn’t make it anything less than stripping.
-A neon sign reads “Jesus is Coming Soon”. I never knew his third coming would be in Las Vegas. I wonder if he’s opening for Wayne Newton.
-Why is she mad that Eddy is sleeping with another woman? It’s not like they’re dating?
-Nomi blows everything out of proportion. The only thing she doesn’t blow is dick.
-To be a showgirl, you must eat brown rice and vegetables, stay indoors and make your own costumes. I wonder what happens if they eat after midnight.
-Thanks to this job interview, we now know Nomi was born in New York, has no family, has never been arrested and doesn’t know her Social Security number. She’s still uninteresting.
-Did I just see Meat Loaf in the elevator?
-They all need to stop grunting when they dance. It’s off-putting.
-Hipster Ron Howard is shouting thrust it at the dancers. How is this not an internet meme?
-“She’s all pelvic thrust and she prowls.” She makes for the perfect Kardashian.
-Where the hell did those monkeys come from?
-We’ve got a catfight between two showgirls over makeup. Probably the most realistic thing so far.
-There’s monkey shit on the stage. I hope one of the dancers falls into it.
-They did all that training and they’re basically just spinning and being tossed around by men. What were they rehearsing earlier?
-Never mind. Their rehearsal dance has just now kicked in. All that’s missing is a pole.
-“I didn’t fall.” I know. I was disappointed too.
-Eddy Gordo wants to talk.
-“I have a problem with pussy.” Who doesn’t?
-“The only people I know who have pimp cars are pimps.” I seen the Pope driving one once. No lie.
-Eddy Gordo got denied by Nomi… again.
-Is Cristal always doing cocaine?
-Cristal is supposed to be teaching Nomi her turns, but is instead taking her out to lunch. I wonder what she’s going to order. Probably cocaine.
-Are we really having a debate on brown rice and vegetables?
-Cristal has eaten dog food. She probably thought it was cocaine.
-“I get a headache from champagne.” I get a headache from you, Nomi.
-“You have great tits. They’re really beautiful.” Another great pick-up line.
-Cristal knows she’s a whore; Nomi doesn’t. That’s why I’m siding with Cristal. She’s not lying to herself.
-Three cowboys want Cristal’s autograph. They probably want to ride her, too. I apologize for that joke.
-Now we get that private dance lesson.
-She’s not teaching her turns. She’s basically dry humping her. Not that this worse, mind you.
-Cristal called Nomi a whore; Nomi called Cristal a bitch. Yadda yadda yadda.
-What kind of a mother brings her children backstage to a room full of naked women?
-The catty showgirl told the little girl to “shut the fuck up” and made her cry. What did her mother expect?
-There’s a boat convention coming to town and they want Nomi to represent their hotel. I repeat, they want Nomi to represent them at a boat convention. How many new customers are they going to get at a boat convention?
-Wait a minute. Cristal recommended Nomi for the boat convention and Nomi didn’t freak out about it? This is absurd!
-Molly doesn’t want Nomi to do the boat convention. You know, because of the dangers of boat conventions. Maybe one will accidentally run her over.
-Nomi danced on top of a boat. The horrors that Molly was alluding to come full force.
-Ah, she’s going to have to fuck some executives. Who knew boat conventions were so sleazy?
-Nomi is having a private conversation with Zack on the stage set. Nothing says private like an open stage that all workers have access to.
-Zack is going to unleash hell on the sleazy executive. Go Zack, go!
-It was a set-up. Zack was in on it the whole time and Phil played along. I am shocked and amazed by this stunning turn of events. I never would have seen this coming. This is just incredible. My mind is being blown.
-All the male dancers are gay except for one. He smacked the catty showgirl’s ass, which lead to the gay dancers wanting to see his cock. What happens in Vegas…
-We’ve got a new set. This one looks like Thor’s erotic palace.
-The mother showgirl just broke her necklace in order for the catty showgirl to trip on it. This subplot that nobody cared about has taken a shocking turn of events.
-Catty showgirl’s knee may be broken. Not as broken as this script, mind you.
-Robert Davi and friend are visiting Nomi. How sweet.
-“It must be weird not having anyone cum on you.” I think to myself every day, “It’s weird that nobody cums on me.”
-I’d complain that Robert Davi visiting Nomi was pointless, but I was just happy to see him again.
-Zack is going to give Nomi a ride in his pimp car. Speaking of which, do you think Xzbitit would pimp his ride? Okay, another bad joke. I apologize.
-Nomi just asked to go to Zack’s place. Shit just got real!
-“What does Andrew Carver like?” Who the hell is Andrew Carver?
-Zack has neon tree lights next to his pool. I don’t know whether to laugh or applaud him.
-Nomi is going skinny dipping. This is the first time she’s been wet.
-For the ladies that got dragged to see this, they get to see Zack’s ass. It’s as tan as a Calvin Klein model.
-She’s giving him a blowjob. I can safely say they’re not that good underwater.
-As for the sex, I can’t comment on that. I’d assume it works well in water. For starters, you don’t need lube.
-Just because you’re in water doesn’t mean you have to flop around like a fish.
-That’s the worst fake orgasm I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of porn.
-She spent the night. I assume they spent the rest of the night playing Yahtzee.
-Now that she’s a showgirl, shouldn’t she be able to move out of the trailer?
-Nomi found the chips. It’s like their her crack.
-Nomi is auditioning to be Cristal’s understudy. You know, because they work so well together.
-“You can teach them to get it down.” You can’t teach men to get it down, if you know what I mean.
-“This is bullshit!” You just now discovered this?
-Wait a minute. Did Zack just inform us that both he and Cristal wanted to fuck Nomi?
-We’ve got a love triangle between Zack, Nomi and Cristal. This became a seedy soap opera.
-Nomi got the role. Surprise, surprise.
-Nomi’s going to help Cristal with her nails. How exciting.
-“I’m getting too old for that whorey look.” BURN!
-Obligatory shot of Nomi sitting on a rooftop with Las Vegas in the background. The only difference is she’s eating a burger.
-Now she’s attending Eddy Gordo’s show that he’s been preparing. I think I forgot to mention it. I apologize. I just didn’t care about it.
-His show is getting booed heavily. Poor Eddy.
-Nomi loved it. Bullshit! She only caught ten seconds.
-Eddy got engaged because he knocked someone up. Way to write him out of the story.
-Eddy’s going to work in a grocery store. How glamorous.
-Nomi just got a letter informing her she’s not the understudy. Is it wrong that I cheered?
-She just stormed into Zack’s office. Time for another one of her patented outbursts.
-“She’s a big star. You’re not worth it.” I wouldn’t call Cristal a big star. She’s a D-list celebrity at best.
-Nomi looked like she was going to beat the hell out of Cristal, but she refrained herself. Where did this Nomi come from and what did she do with the real one?
-Now we’ve got a biker set. I wonder how many “riding” jokes we’re going to get.
-Nomi just pushed Cristal down the stairs. No funny sound effects played, therefore it wasn’t funny.
-Mother showgirl defended Nomi. Confrontational showgirls stick together!
-Cristal’s got a concussion and a fractured hip. That hospital must be filling up with whores.
-“Cristal Connors was a star. You can’t just replace her.” Sure you can. People are coming for the nudity, not the “stars”.
-Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul wouldn’t do a glorified striptease. Well, Janet did at a Super Bowl, but that wasn’t on purpose. Or was it?
-Nomi got Cristal’s spot as the main attraction. The crowd goes mild. Actually, they go erect.
-The message I’ve gotten from this film so far has been “If you want to succeed in show business, you need to strip and push someone down a flight of stairs”.
-“I just hope I can be as good as the show.” The show sucks, so don’t be so hopeful.
-“Andrew Carver is going to be there.” I DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS?!?
-Why is Molly surprised that Nomi would pull such a low stunt? She nearly ripped her head off for asking where she was from.
-Molly said she wasn’t going to show up to Nomi’s party, but did anyway. Hypocrite!
-“What I want to know is where’s Andrew?” What I want to know is who Andrew is.
-Andrew Carver looks like a smooth Rob Zombie.
-Oh, Carver’s a musician. Glad I finally found out.
-Molly is hooking up with Andrew Carver. Good for her. I just hope she doesn’t choke on his hair.
-Andrew and his bodyguards are raping Molly. Not good for her. Also, another turn of events that doesn’t serve much purpose to the main story and comes out of nowhere. I guess they needed to gain that NC-17. Not the way I would have went with it.
-They took Molly to the hospital after she stumbled out of Andrew’s room. You’d think he’d be better at hiding this rape thing by now.
-Nomi’s real name is Polly. She’s a former convict. I don’t care.
-Nomi’s father killed her mother, then himself. She ran away from a foster home and gained multiple arrests. She became a hooker and solicited drugs. What I want to know is why Zack’s angry about her hiding this. She fits in perfectly with their mold.
-How are they having a private conversation in a hospital? Shouldn’t doctors be rushing by them?
-Hold up! I get that Nomi is offended that Andrew is getting away with rape. I understand that she’s not liking being a part of “the team”. I understand she doesn’t like that she’s now forced to be a part of the team. What I don’t understand is why she’s surprised by all of this. She’s working as a showgirl in Las Vegas. If it’s not seedy, that’s surprising. Not the other way around. That’s like being surprised that hookers run the risk of carrying venereal diseases.
-Nomi spit in Zack’s comment after being called a fantastic fuck. I’d hope she spit in his face for everything else, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what offended her. She’s doesn’t take compliments well.
-She’s setting up a meeting with Andrew Carver. She’s going to bite his dick off, isn’t she?
-Why are Nomi’s nipples so red? Did she drown them in paint?
-She pulled a knife on him and is beating the crap out of him. Who knew was one of Charlie’s Angels?
-He raped your friend. You should have left him with more than a few footprints to the skull.
-Now she’s going to Cristal’s room. She’s not going to lay the Smackdown on her too, is she?
-She went to apologize. All it took for her to see the light was her friend to get raped. I guess I can’t hate her now.
-Cristal got a nice settlement and a kiss from Nomi. You see, everything works out well.
-Aw, Cristal gave Nomi her cowgirl hat. How sweet. And by sweet, I mean pathetic.
-Nomi’s hitchhiking again. Where’s she going next, Los Angeles? Be prepared to have those dreams dashed, too.
-She hitched a ride with Douchey Elvis again. Does he just drive around in circles?
-She takes her sunglasses off and then he recognizes her. I guess that Clark Kent disguise really works.
-They drive off into the sunset as she holds a knife to his throat. What a terrible happy ending!
That’s “Showgirls”. A film notorious for it’s NC-17 rating and being heralded by many as one of the worst films ever made. I wouldn’t go that far. It’s terrible and incredibly disappointing, but not the worst film ever. It’s essentially soft-core pornography with a soap opera storyline. It goes on for too long, has laughable performances and adds too many subplots that don’t matter. The perfect ingredients for a Movienalia induction (which is why it’s one of the most requested).
I’ll see you all next week!