It’s a new year, 2012. 2011 has been very successful for the Freakin’ Awesome Network and has seen the return of Movienalia. We’ve sifted through some garbage, such as the “High School Musical” films and a barrage of shitty Christmas movies such as “Santa with Muscles”. To ring in the new year, I’ve decided to induct one of the worst movies ever made.
I’m not saying that to hype the film up. It is, without a doubt, one of the worst films I’ve sat through. It’s annoying, ugly, boring and lacking in originality. It’s a rip-off of “E.T.” that goes by the name of “Nukie”. Many people immediately think of “Mac and Me” when they hear “E.T.” rip-off. That film is Oscar-worthy compared to this garbage.
So sit back, relax, bust out the kazoos and ring in the new year with my torture of “Nukie”!
-Are these crappy animated shooting stars supposed to be the aliens?
-What annoying voices! I’d rather listen to Gilbert Gottfried orgasm than listen to these two.
-How do you mistake a blue glob for a fireball?
-It’s nice how that man is concerned for the life of a creature he doesn’t even know. What if he survives and rapes everybody?
-An alarm going off is a good indicator that they’re in danger. You don’t need to flash the word “alarm” all over the place.
-If this is the United States Government, why are they monitoring Africa?
-Touchdown! Aliens with the lead.
-“This is important.” This is about as important as John Goodman’s bowel movements.
-There’s a Space Foundation? Is there a Space Camp?
-The team hasn’t agreed to working in isolation. They always do that. It’s either that or go home and masturbate to anime.
-“This is no fantasy.” It’s a cinematic nightmare.
-The aliens are pleading for help. Even they don’t want to be in this movie.
-If you beat E.T. with a shovel and drowned him in snot, you’d get Nukie.
-Stop saying Miko!
-Stop saying Nukie!
-Stop whining for each other and get off your asses!
-“Where am I?” In a shitty movie.
-The music score sounds like a drunk person beating on a keyboard.
-I told you to stop whining for each other.
-How are you a scientist and not know what a heartbeat sounds like?
-It’s clear the alien isn’t a vegetable. How did you get your PhD?
-If the characters tell us what they’re going to do, you don’t have to flash it on the screen.
-A photo for each hour and he looks the same. Good research, Doc.
-“This should actually not exist.” My sentiments exactly.
-How does calling something an alien make you a romantic?
-Nukie is raising his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care.
-Is he talking through the moon?
-Do they have to stutter?
-Sorry that I don’t feel bad for the Garbage Pail Kids’ mutated cousin.
-Is Miko having an orgasm?
-If I have to tell you one more time to stop whining for each other, I’ll beat you both with a garden hose.
-Nukie’s reaction to the sun rising is the same as that of someone who has a hangover.
-You just now discovered there’s oxygen? You’ve been breathing it for the past ten minutes.
-When did this become a nature documentary?
-Giraffes=America.
-Rhinos=England?
-Does Nukie’s lips ever move?
-You don’t need help, Miko. You need TP for your bunghole.
-How the hell can they record Nukie and Miko’s telepathic conversations?!?
-There are two boys who will befriend Nukie. Take that, “E.T.”
-Did Nukie just randomly disappear?
-Nukie’s lips quiver. Close enough.
-*whips out garden hose* I warned you.
-You don’t have to announce they’re at the Space Foundation every time you pan back there. It’s easily identifiable.
-Too many flashing lights. I’m going to have a seizure.
-“If Eric were here, he’d stop these type of tests immediately.” Well, Eric’s not here. So shut up!
-Here comes the chopper. Somebody notify Arnold Schwarzenegger.
-Nukie sat on a turtle. He’s lucky it wasn’t a ninja.
-“Is this a zoo or a video game?” How can you mistake the two?
-Are you telling me they can see Miko’s thoughts? How preposterous!
-“I’m tired of this planet.” I’m tired of you, Nukie.
-Why does Nukie keep randomly disappearing?
-How and why did Nukie transport to another part of the village?
-Nukie is flying. I hope he crashes.
-Ha ha. Nukie crashed.
-If you ever wanted to know the ingredients to water, this movie’s got you covered.
-Judging by his reaction to his reflection, it’s my understanding that Nukie only looks weird on Earth.
-Please don’t stimulate Miko.
-How many times do I have to beat you with a garden hose?
-This nun isn’t going to be a bitch like the one in “Silent Night, Deadly Night”, is she?
-It’s the long lost Quaid brother, Phil. He’s the drunken one (not named Randy).
-Is Nukie going to spend the whole film complaining?
-How hard is it to lie down?
-“I just want to sleep.” I’d rather do that than watch this movie.
-I get it! It’s the Space Foundation. Shut the hell up!
-Why is she gouging Miko’s eyes?
-I’m switching from a garden hose to a leather belt.
-You’re not helping, Nukie. You’re flailing about. Huge difference.
-Random earthquake.
-Did that monkey just talk?
-Did the nun just do an impression of the Undertaker?
-Are all of the animals going to talk?
-“Do you know America?” Stephen Colbert?
-Nukie’s freak-out was hilarious!
-“This audience is over.” The audience quit a long time ago.
-Did Nukie just shoot a lightning bolt out of his nose?
-I thought that chopper already arrived.
-An earthquake and a jet landing don’t cause the same amount of damage.
-Yep, Sister Anne is a bitch.
-He’s there on a mission. You can’t just kick him out.
-That’d be hilarious if he got sent to Africa for a mission on elephant dung.
-This monkey loves the color red. It serves no purpose to the film, but he won’t shut up about it.
-Stop eating candy and get back to the plot!
-You can open the door, Nukie. You don’t have to knock it down.
-Your shirt sucks, monkey! Stop talking about it.
-When did that door get fixed?
-That lion is going to eat those two boys. It’d be better if he were prowling Nukie.
-Is Nukie reasoning with a lion?
-The force is strong with Nukie.
-Nukie is speaking gibberish. It’s better than the script.
-I know it’s the damn Space Foundation!
-“Error! Error! Error!” That’s what this movie is.
-How did Miko escape? I thought he was strapped down.
-Is the computer speaking directly to Miko? Is it HAL?
-Stop giving me a seizure!
-Where did that demonic laugh come from?
-If Nukie flies the chopper, I’ll forgive this movie.
-Time to whip out the leather belt again.
-Is this monkey supposed to be comic relief? If so, he’s failing.
-Nukie’s flying the chopper. Finally, something entertaining.
-This music is so uplifting.
-Nukie crashed the chopper. He sucks at flying.
-He crashed the chopper. He didn’t blow it up. It’d still have some parts intact.
-This isn’t a joke, Sister. Well, the movie is.
-I know what the Space Foundation is. Stop explaining it!
-Did the computer just get aroused?
-It’s Nukie, not Nooki.
-Now the computer won’t stop saying Nukie. Time to infect it with a virus.
-The computer is trash talking Miko. This film keeps getting stranger.
-Wait, Nukie caused the earthquake earlier? How?
-Pots falling over isn’t anything to freak out over.
-Why are you yelling at the boys? They’re not breaking the pots.
-When was this movie changed to hyper speed? Also, where’s Yakety Sax?
-If you’re going to teleport, move farther than a few feet.
-I thought the chopper was destroyed. How did they fix it so quickly?
-I know it’s damn Space Foundation! Don’t make me start beating you too, narrator.
-“Why do you look silly?” This computer is a jerk.
-Miko and the computer are now friends. Hopefully not with benefits.
-“What’s this? A party?” If this is a party, then Nukie crashed it.
-Why are you punishing the boys? They didn’t do anything.
-They’re going to kill the boys? What the hell?!?
-Child murder is a ritual?
-They let the boys free into the wilderness. I guess they figured they’d die sooner or later.
-If she cares so much about the boys, why doesn’t she go find them?
-“All you will find are a lot of scared villages.” What you won’t find is an audience.
-I’m afraid, too. Afraid that I’ve lost a few brain cells watching this garbage.
-To be fair, these boys were spending most of their time in the wilderness. This is hardly a death sentence.
-Why was Nukie red for a split second?
-If Nukie could start a fire this whole time, why didn’t he? Better than bitching about cold.
-Twins bring bad luck? Beer companies disagree.
-You don’t need Miko to go back home. Just leave him on Earth.
-Random dance number by Nukie. What the hell is going on?!?
-You can summon fireworks at will, as well as many other powers. Yet, you can’t find your brother. Nukie, you suck!
-A good way to put the boys to sleep is to make them watch this movie.
-Time to whip the narrator with a belt.
-Is the computer hitting on the scientist? When did this become the porn version of “2001: A Space Odyssey”?
-You’re a computer. You don’t have a heart.
-Miko isn’t a little boy. He barely even resembles one.
-A computer saying it loves you is creepy.
-Rabbit season! Nukie season! Rabbit season! Nukie Season!
-Why not just teleport to America? That’s better than taunting everyone.
-Nukie crashed a motorcycle. He sure showed them.
-I don’t think you’re going to make much money off of an inflated raisinet.
-I’m switching from a leather belt to a kendo stick. Feel my wrath, narrator!
-“This is boring. I hate it.” The computer just read my mind.
-No, Miko. Stay in. Don’t listen to the computer. Nobody wants you.
-That’s not music. That’s poison for the ears.
-“The show has just started.” I wish it would end.
-This has become a trippy dance party.
-His childhood dream was to be a clown? Is he John Wayne Gacy?
-Dancing aliens and wannabe clowns. This has become a circus act for the insane.
-“They raised my brain waves.” They killed mine.
-“You know something, lady? You suck!” I’m beginning to like this computer.
-Stop pining over Harvey and get back to work.
-It’s funny how Sister Anne thinks we care about she says.
-Enough about the Space Foundation!
-“Scientists or doctors? I don’t know which is worse.” Both are better than you, Sister.
-How did you not see that snake?
-I know the boy is in pain and I feel sympathy for him. However, his crying is annoying.
-Are we about to see the drunk Quaid brother get shot with an arrow?
-“Since when do I take orders from you?” Your job is to take orders from everybody.
-Hey, Nukie. Welcome back to your movie.
-Nukie just got shot. Rejoice!
-There’s more whining in this movie than on “America’s Next Top Model”.
-Time for the narrator’s kendo stick beating.
-“Stop this! You’re killing my friend.” You’re tearing the computer apart!
-We interrupt this movie for a geography lesson.
-The movie is making the computer cry. That’s how bad this is.
-How the hell can the little boy hear Miko?!?
-Miko is thirty-five miles from Miami Beach. This movie isn’t going to end with him surfing, is it?
-“We are no use to this planet.” You can say that again.
-The sun doesn’t go to sleep at the beach.
-Do we really need this greed subplot?
-I completely forgot about the talking monkey. I wish it would have stayed that way.
-What kind of an insult is drip head?
-Can the humans understand the monkey?
-Never give a drunk person a gun. He’ll try to shoot an alien, a little boy and a talking monkey.
-How is it that Nukie can cure others’ injuries, but not his own? Stop making up tricks on the fly.
-The creature is an alien. Is it so hard to grasp why someone would be interested in it?
-Nothing says church like booze.
-Instead of finding America, this movie needs to find a point.
-Sister Anne saves Nukie. She’s still a bitch, though.
-Narrator, do you like beaing beaten?
-The computer opened the door earlier. Now, it needs a fingerprint. This film’s script is filled with so many holes.
-Why does the computer need to have death explained to it? It was preventing the scientist from killing Miko earlier. It knows what death is.
-The demonic laugh returns.
-“Never lose hope.” I lost hope for this movie a long time ago.
-“Look up in the sky and make a wish.” I wish this movie would end.
-Security sucks in this village. Drunken Quaid simply drove around the barrier.
-This is the most boring montage I’ve ever seen. It’s just Nukie and the boy walking.
-Damn it, narrator! I’m tired of beating you.
-“The miracle of the twentieth century has disappeared.” The internet is missing?
-“Be a clown.” What terrible advice.
-Miko is sleeping in a trash can. He’s now homeless, apparently.
-Who leaves on vacation during an important investigation such as this?
-I thought the kid was sick from the snake poison. Talk about a speedy recovery.
-The kid just stole the truck. How did he even know how to operate it?
-Did Nukie just drown?
-Damn it, kid! Stop yelling Nukie.
-Nukie’s still alive. Go figure.
-This computer isn’t going to take anybody’s shit.
-“If we can’t walk, we can fly.” Why didn’t you fly to begin with?
-The kid can fly. It makes no sense, but he can fly.
-How many times are we going to see Nukie crash?
-Yelling America isn’t any better than Nukie, Miko or Space Foundation.
-Another boring montage of walking.
-You can only make one wish, kid. Not a dozen.
-The problems are going to be solved by a wish? Really?!?
-“It’s you who caused all this fuss.” That’s Nukie for you. Always causing trouble.
-This family reunion is about as heartwarming as a Charles Manson interview.
-Stop acting like you’re important, talking monkey.
-When E.T. went home, it was sad. When Nukie and Miko go home, I celebrate.
That’s “Nukie” for you. A terrible “E.T.” rip-off that seems to play on repeat after awhile. Shout out names, walk around, do magic. Rinse, wash, repeat. It drags heavily and makes you question your sanity. I’ve seen some bad films, but none have been more boring or mind boggling than this atrocity. Avoid at all costs!
I’ll see you next week!