This week’s Movienalia comes from James from the CineAwesome and Criterion Cast podcasts. He brought this movie to my attention a few months ago and thought it was perfect for me. He was right, as it’s a perfect induction for Movienalia. This is the only time perfect will be mentioned for this film.
The movie is called “Antfarm Dickhole”. It’s about a group of army ants who take refuge in a man’s dick. He uses them to attack his bullies. That’s right, he cranks one out to kill his enemies. Need I say more?
So kick back, relax, grab a couple of tissues and bug spray to clean up afterwards and enjoy my torture of “Antfarm Dickhole”.
-I think I’d rather watch a documentary on ants than this movie.
-Bill Zebub sounds like a bad wrestling gimmick.
-What do ducks and deer have to do with this? Are they going to be growing in his penis, too?
-Did he just fail at Patty Cake?
-“Life sucks, no matter how hard you try to distract yourself!” Life may suck, but that doesn’t mean you had to make Antfarm Dickhole.
-Most depressed people feel better when you remind them that they have clothes.
-“Stress has made me suffer from premature ejaculation.” I don’t think stress is the cause. You just suck in the sack!
-Who the hell can sustain themselves during sex, but prematurely ejaculates during masturbation? Even 12 year-olds can last long with themselves.
-“I don’t have all day to jerk off.” I have to make movies like Antfarm Dickhole. That takes time and finesse, good sir.
-“Jerking off is about the ride, not the destination.” Is it a ride like Space Mountain?
-The message of this movie is to stand up to bullies. That’s right, Antfarm Dickhole has a heartwarming message.
-Was that guy spying on them all the time? I hope he wasn’t touching himself and prematurely ejaculating.
-What grown man gives another grown man a wedgie?
-The bully crushed his cupcake. That’s crossing the line!
-Did he just throw a brick at him?
-Holy oversell on the punch. He lightly tapped him and he went flying.
-Is the Queen Ant going to crawl into his dick?
-“I think he stole my car too. They don’t just go and repark themselves.“ One day, cars will repark themselves. Just you wait and see.
-“We shouldn’t even call this a park. We should call this a stolen.” That has to be the worst pun I’ve ever heard!
-Here’s a woman stripping for no apparent reason. Don’t get a boner, though. An ant may crawl in your dick.
-He’s got a beautiful girlfriend who will strip for him. Tell me again why he’s complaining.
-Now she’s giving him a blowjob. This won’t end well.
-By the way, what’s with the metal music in the background? When I think of stripping and sex, I don’t think of metal.
-He just blew his load and ants went shooting into her mouth. Worst money shot ever!
-Of course the ants look like rubber toys you’d pick up at the dollar store.
-She looks like she’s laughing, not acting disgusted and frightened.
-Are the ants going to do anything to her or is she going to roll around on the floor like a moron?
-Also, wouldn’t you feel those ants shooting out of you? They’re decent-sized ants.
-The ants are biting her. When I say biting, I mean we get a shot of rubber ants on her body with blood that looks like strawberry syrup underneath them.
-Is he stomping the ants or doing the wiggle?
-Who are you going to call? Good luck explaining this to the police. “Officer, my girlfriend died. Army ants came shooting out of my penis and started attacking her. Hello?”
-Is the cat going to do something or are we simply panning back to it so I can make a pussy joke?
-I would have passed out immediately after ejaculating ants.
-When I wake up from a slumber, I’d automatically assume ejaculating ants was a nightmare. I wouldn’t even question if it were reality.
-“Did my girlfriend really vomit ants?” She didn’t vomit ants. They came from your penis (pun intended). How did you not feel that?
-They ate her entire skin and now she’s a Health class skeleton.
-Your girlfriend is dead and you’re cracking jokes? You sick fuck!
-Who the hell cares about Montezuma’s Revenge? Your girlfriend was just eaten by army ants. Focus on that.
-Oh no! You have to walk to the police department. How horrible. It’s not like you just got eaten by army ants. Seriously, you’re an asshole!
-Why do all of the grown men in this town give others wedgies? Grow the hell up and assault them!
-“You’ve got ants in your pants!” Did we really need that pun?
-Come to think of it, would this count as an adaptation of “Ants in the Pants”?
-Why is the bully dancing around like an idiot? The ants are in his pants, not yours.
-“I can feel them crawling around inside my pee-pee.” Pee-pee? Really?!?
-You called him Needledick the Bug Fucker? How was this not made into a comic book?
-Your girlfriend’s dead and you think it’s because bullies stuck ants in your pants. What the fuck is wrong with you?!?
-You don’t call dog control on ants, you imbecile.
-Ant-drew, Ant-drew, Ant-drew of the city. He’s got ants in his dick. Ahhhhhh! Watch out for that tree.
-Random news reporter in a bikini in the woods.
-I’d rather go to the beach than the woods.
-You want five feet. How is that going further into the woods?
-“Why would you immerse your body in sewage, which is what the ocean is, when you can treat your bikini to fresh air.” You know there’s shit in the woods, right?
-Of course Ant-drew lives on Dick Street. I wouldn’t be surprised if the neighboring community is Ant Avenue.
-How is army ants from South American moving up north racist?
-“Ants from France are mainly in the pants.” That doesn’t mean the ants in your pants are from France.
-I never took that saying literally because it’s stupid.
-You’re just now starting to worry about them crawling inside of you? Really?!?
-“Feces creates diseases.” I can’t spell it out for you, but he childishly rhymed feces with diseases (pronounced like “diseces”). I’m glad they’re not taking this movie seriously, but they need to stray away from pathetic lines such as this.
-So the ants spit on him, making him numb. Therefore, he doesn’t feel them biting him or crawling inside of his dick. That’s probably the best explanation we can get.
-Stop calling your penis pee-pee!
-When looking for a spouse, I’m not sure that women first look for a good forehead.
-“My intelligence is attractive to you.” Beavis and Butt-head are more intelligent than you.
-I never expected a discussion on psychology in a movie called “Antfarm Dickhole”.
-The anternet? Is everything in this movie going to have ant attached to it?
-When you’re searching the internet for ants that harvest inside of humans, you’re life isn’t going so well.
-How many times is ant going to be uttered in this movie?
-Maybe if you tell the detective your friend has ants growing in his dick they’ll let you skip prison and go straight to the insane asylum.
-Do we really need a subplot about Ant-thony’s stolen car?
-Philosophy is not allowed in this movie.
-Why does his penis look like a block of wood? I know we refer to erections as a woody, but this is taking it too far.
-I just seen him ejaculate an ant out of his penis. I don’t think I want to live on this planet anymore.
-Are you trying to get an explanation out of the ant?
-At least take the ant off of the tip of your penis. Marching around with it dangling from your junk is an unpleasant sight.
-Bullies didn’t stick ants in your dick. Quit trying to get revenge against them and go to the hospital.
-Don’t make him angry. You won’t like him when he’s angry. He’ll shoot ants out of his dick at you.
-I take it this news reporter in the woods is eventually going to die. That or Bill Zebub needed to fill out time.
-I don’t need a news reporter to tell me that leaves can act as shade from the sun.
-Your film is called “Antfarm Dickhole”. You don’t need to teach me about science. Your target demographic won’t care about that.
-Is he murdering the bully’s girlfriends or just random women?
-He trapped a woman in her car and is now fucking her tailpipe. This is how I’m spending my Sunday morning, ladies and gentlemen.
-Use the other door to escape. Don’t continually fidget with the one that’s blocked.
-When did she get naked?
-Why are people simply walking by him fucking a car and not stopping? If I seen that, I’d be terrified. I wouldn’t just casually continue my day.
-She’s dead. You can stop fucking the car now.
-What does spontaneous combustion have to do with this movie?
-She asked you a question. It’s your queue to answer. Not to stroll around in the woods and shake your ass in front of the camera.
-Army ants and spontaneous combustion are two completely different things.
-What terrorist attacks a country with army ants?
-Is Bill Zebub using this movie to rant against the media?
-Women don’t love men who have ants growing in their dick.
-How does nobody notice Ant-drew masturbating into that woman’s window in broad daylight?
-How many ants is he going to ejaculate? That’s a question I never thought I’d ask in my life.
-“Where should you be when you suspect a terrorist is nearby?” At a screening of “Antfarm Dickhole”. They’ll never expect anybody to be there.
-Trees aren’t going to save you from a terrorist.
-“Watching the news is for fags.” Brett Ratner apparently wrote this script.
-Ant-drew wasn’t making love to a house. He was masturbating into a window.
-Having confidence apparently means you want to fuck a house.
-Ant-drew has his penis out in public. How is nobody complaining?
-Why the hell am I watching a PSA about artificial sweeteners?
-The only harmful effect of watching porn is wrist cramps.
-What does porn have to do with artificial sweeteners?
-Is a banana crawling towards Ant-drew?
-Ants are shoving a banana into Ant-drew’s penis. What the fuck?!?
-Were these ants already in the woods or did Ant-drew masturbate all over the place?
-I don’t think ants are attracted to clothes.
-Army ants are attacking you. Now’s not the time to fold your jeans.
-Is Bill Zebub inserting subliminal messages into this movie or am I hearing things?
-I don’t think a banana could fit into someone’s penis.
-If a police officer found a man inserting a banana into his penis in public, I don’t think they’d let him off with a warning.
-“We must respect the laws of nature.” We should also respect the laws of good taste.
-Does everybody get naked in public in this film?
-I just seen her take off her bikini. I don’t need to see it again.
-Stop replaying the same scene!
-Is this movie seriously trying to warn us about the dangers of sunscreen?
-Antterogation. Yet another annoying ant pun.
-People are being killed and the police’s first assumption is terrorism. How about a serial killer?
-I don’t know what ants enemies are, but this movie’s enemy is intelligence.
-You don’t bury the bodies of your victims in broad daylight.
-When did Ant-drew become a ladies man? Did the ants give him the power of charm?
-“I’ll just use my imagination.” Me too. I’m imagining a better movie.
-Pretend protection is the leading cause of pregnancy.
-This is like a scene out of a porno. If that porno involved ejaculating ants.
-The last person that gave Ant-drew a blowjob instantly regretted it.
-She just poured fire ants into his dick. I’m speechless.
-Antnihillation. These puns are terrible!
-How did you sleep through a war between red ants and fire ants in your penis?
-Of course the ants killed her. What did you expect?
-Did you not take notice to her drowning red fire ants in your dick or are you just completely stupid?
-She didn’t have ants in her vagina. She forced them onto you. You were there for the whole thing, you brain-dead parasite.
-There are no other Antfarm Dickholes. You’re not destined to fight them. This is nothing like “Highlander”.
-Being the King of Antfarm Dickholes isn’t a good thing.
-I doubt it’s that easy to abduct animals from a zoo.
-When an actress stumbles on her lines, you restart the scene and edit the slip-up out. You don’t continue and leave it in.
-“Movies should have a new category of Science Less Fiction”. This movie should have better dialogue.
-Ant-thony got Ant-drew drunk and is using an Anteater to eat the ants. This won’t end well.
-Instead of creating a replica anteater, they’re simply using a photo of an anteater. This is hilariously sad.
-Ant-drew thought Ant-thony was trying to date rape him. I can’t say I blame him. Ant-thony seems like the date raping type.
-Is she ever going to put on clothes or does she wear a bikini everywhere?
-Kidnapping an anteater is sexy?
-She wants to fuck you. Shut up and let her!
-She kissed him and the chair broke. Out of everything that’s happened so far, this shouldn’t be strange. Yet, it somehow is.
-Ant-drew is thanking the Queen Ant for infesting his dick. He’s completely lost it.
-He just kissed the Queen Ant. I wouldn’t put it past him to make out with her, if he could.
-Who cares if she’s brain wired to be attracted to you? She likes you (for unknown reasons). Just shut up and go with it!
-Ant-thony and Ant_Drea have about as much chemistry Clint Howard and any woman on the planet.
-The ants are brainwashing Ant-drew into giving them food and shelter. Hence why he allowed them to shove a banana into his penis.
-The trash talk between Ant-drew and the bullies is pathetic. My nephew has better insults than these guys.
-This bully sounds like a mix between John Goodman and Elmer Fudd.
-Ants can’t teach you to fight.
-I haven’t seen a fight scene this bad since Captain Kirk took on a Gorn.
-Now the detective is blaming the deaths on ant birds. Is everybody in this town an idiot?
-Having ants in your dick is nothing to brag about.
-Ants can spy on people?
-If Ant-drew believes Ant-thony is gay, why would he believe he’s going out with Ant_Drea? Hell, why would anybody believe he’s going out with her?
-Drinking bug spray would probably be more enjoyable than this movie.
-“I’ll let you suck my dick.” There’s an offer that’s easy to refuse.
-Who would be jealous of a man who has ants in his dick?
-Did they really substitute the word ‘ant’ for ‘and’?
-This movie has a tendency to cut to women stripping.
-Yes, this movie is broken. Thanks for taking notice, Ant-thony!
-Did the cameraman get drunk, all of a sudden?
-Ant-drew just stuck his headphones into his penis so the ants could listen to music. Don’t try this at home.
-This detective is as useless as Stone Cold Steve Austin at an AA meeting.
-How do you not notice the giant ant on your phone?
-Where the hell did that random woman come from?!?
-She’s an antthropologist. Get it?
-“Maybe you wanted someone to walk in and catch you in your underwear.” That’s not going to hold up in court.
-“There’s no such thing as an accident.” Explain Steve Guttenberg.
-Stop being a douche bag and just go with the detective downtown, Ant-drew.
-The bully just cracked the detective in the skull with a bat. How didn’t Ant-drew notice him sneak up on him?
-When faced with a fight, just pull out your dick. Nothing can go wrong.
-Army ants only stay in one shelter for upwards of two weeks. Either this is true or it’s a cop out. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s true.
-Not only does this movie add ant to many words, any word with ant in it gets exaggerated.
-He just stuck a firecracker in Ant-drew’s dick. Just when I thought this film couldn’t get any stranger…
-Can Ant-drew scream or just flail about?
-The bully just drank bug spray. Too bad he didn’t do so before setting off a firecracker in Ant-drew’s dick.
-If you could untie the knot the whole time, why did you wait until after he set a firecracker off in your dick?
-Having a firecracker go off in your dick gives you an orgasm, apparently. I recommend not trying this.
-Is there any reason Ant-drew is shooting up a bar?
-Don’t tell me the movie’s going to end with the bartender shooting Ant-drew.
-Yep, that’s how this movie’s going to end. Ant-thony and Ant_Drea are living happily ever after. How anti-climactic.
-Now he’s giving her a massage. I take it this means the ants are coming.
-Now he’s going down on her. She’s going to spew out ants, isn’t she?
-Just cum already!
-Way to have the music overshadow her speech.
-The ants have now taken refuge in her vagina. Called it!
-Why is the antthropoligist talking about animals and humans mating? Stop dragging this out and end this movie!
-Stop teaching me about DNA. You stuck ants in a man’s dick. I’m not coming out of this smarter.
-“Have you ever heard of Spider-man?” What does he have to do with this?
-I don’t want to hear a Spider-man joke.
-The joke is that Spider-man set up a date online and the woman turned out to be huge. Get it? I do and it’s not funny.
-Who is this woman and why is she being attacked by a giant spider?
-This is Antfarm Dickhole. Not Giant Spider Attack.
-The spider is raping her. Spiderfarm Dickhole? Oh hell no!
-What is it with cats being present during the rape/deaths in this film?
-Stop zooming in and out!
-What is he chanting?
-This is still continuing? Just end, damn it!
-Now there’s a class discussion on this movie. Why?
-I don’t need this film explained to me. I just watched it.
“Okay class. Good luck in life!” I hope you never make a movie as bad as this.
-That student grew up to be the child of the woman and the spider. This has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the film.
-“Thus begins the story of Manspider.” I smell a lawsuit.
That’s “Antfarm Dickhole”. Not much more has to be said. It’s a film about an army of ants building a colony in a man’s penis. Along the way, Bill Zebub injects nuggets of wisdom to prove he’s not an idiot. He also flaunts various women on the screen, a few in which serve no purpose and don’t even die. They’re simply there for the eye candy. All that’s left to say is that I hope “Manspider” doesn’t get made.
That’s all folks! See you next week!