Christmas Movienalia 2011 may have come to a close, but I got all of you a gift. Ever since I did the “High School Musical” movies, you’ve been begging me to do the spin-off, “Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure”. It almost happened for last month’s Thanksgiving special, but “Wild Wild West” narrowly beat it out. As a holiday gift, I’ve decided to induct “Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure” into Movienalia.
Yes, I know this is a bit late. However, I had to wrap the Christmas specials up. Better late than never, as I always say. Just think of me as that drunk uncle that comes to your house dressed as Santa Claus on New Year’s Eve. Just picture me with pants on.
So sit back, relax, tear off the wrapping and dig into your holiday treat of my misery of “Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure”!
-I feel bad for Ashley Tisdale. Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens at least had an opportunity to branch out after “High School Musical”. She’s stuck doing a spin-off.
-“There’s a moment when you realize something’s changed.” Like the quality of these films. They’ve gone from bad to worse.
-The dog has a better singing voice than Sharpay.
-“Got to try something.” How about a character who isn’t Sharpay?
-Is it wrong that I hope she falls on the runway?
-Why did they play her falling into two guys’ arms on repeat?
-“Leave the past behind.” I tried, but you all demanded this movie.
-“I’ll write my name in letters.” How else are you going to write your name? In numbers?
-“I’ll watch the world go blind.” I wish I were blind right now.
-Stop applauding her. That just makes her believe she’s doing a good job.
-“They’re going to come after you for stealing the show.” Can they arrest her father for making that corny joke?
-You see a unique talent in Sharpay? Really?!?
-“Broadway as in Broadway?” No, Broadway as in the street corner where syphilis resides.
-“Who’s Amber Lee Adams?” Somebody more talented than Sharpay.
-I hope this movie ends with Sharpay going to New York and having to clean vomit up for the rest of her life.
-Her Dad doesn’t want her to go to New York. If I were him, I’d kick her out the minute she turned eighteen.
-“The reason I buy such expensive shoes is to take monumental steps.” Here I thought it was to go to Africa and shove it in starving childrens’ face(s).
-Sharpay needed a year to find herself. Did she look in the garbage?
-Team Sharpay is the worst Survivor Series team ever.
-“My mind looks amazing.” I’m pretty sure it’s empty.
-Am I supposed to be rooting for Sharpay? I want to see her fail.
-“You should have your own reality show called “I Can Wear Anything.” Isn’t that called “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”?
-You’re going to show Daddy what you accomplished? All you accomplished was maxing out his credit cards.
-“Alone in New York?” Macaulay Culkin survived just fine.
-“What I don’t know is whether you believe in me.” I don’t. So please, shut the hell up!
-Don’t give Sharpay one month. Give her a minute then shove her in the basement.
-Now that she’s in New York, I’m sure Sharpay will be mistaken for a high-end prostitute.
-“Follow me to the Penthouse.” She’s going to be in Penthouse? That I can get behind.
-They have a strict no dog policy? Then why did they let Sharpay in?
-Sharpay got kicked out of her penthouse. This movie’s starting to look up.
-Sharpay is really pink. Must avoid vagina joke.
-The last time I had a douche bag filming me, I was auditioning for “Jersey Shore”.
-You named your dog Boy? Are you that stupid you can’t remember his gender?
-Make Sharpay carry her own bags. She’s in New York. It’s either that or get raped.
-These two don’t need acting or singing lessons. They need a lobotomy.
-“During the war, they didn’t fight for an elevator?” That was Grenada.
-“If I break my heel or a sweat, you’re responsible.” I hope you break your leg.
-Did she just use a doggy bag to open the door?
-“You can’t be serious.” I asked the same thing when I heard this film was made.
-Peyton, if you fall in love with Sharpay, then you’re an idiot.
-Instead of sight seeing, how about you show me a better movie?
-“What if I hit into something?” I’ll laugh.
-You know who else had a dream and a camera? Hugh Hefner.
-“I met you, so something’s working out.” It’s called a death sentence.
-Prom dresses and first boyfriends sounds like the title of a “Teen Mom” autobiography.
-Sharpay’s nickname is Pink Hurricane. Katrina’s got nothing on her.
-“Okay, New York. Bring it on.” I hope New York crushes her.
-A montage through New York with “Walking on Sunshine” playing? How clichéd.
-He’s filming Sharpay for a school project. He’s going to get an F.
-A cockroach scared Sharpay. Here’s hoping she moves into Joe’s Apartment.
-That hot dog isn’t the most disgusting weiner Sharpay’s tasted.
-“Think Pink” is the advice porn stars to give to one another.
-Since when are you allowed to paint your rented studio apartment walls?
-The bed retracted on Sharpay and trapped her in the wall. Yay!
-“I’m on my way to change theater history.” After your performance, it’ll be ruined forever.
-“How many people can say they were there to film the creation of a legend?” A lot, actually.
-“Destiny calls and I get good reception.” As does Alberto Del Rio.
-Sharpay’s dog is the one they want to audition. Hahahahahahahahahaha!
-A girl’s best friend isn’t a dog. That’s a man’s best friend.
-Sharpay is as special as dryer lint.
-“Sharpay, you can’t give up.” Yes she can!
-When you’re the entourage for a dog, your life is basically a failure.
-When the dog is putting on a better performance than you, it’s time to look into another field.
-“You’re going to love us. That’s our guarantee.” I want a refund.
-Boy is begging for Sharpay to shut up (and rightfully so).
-That’s the best audition you’ve ever seen? What else did you work on, “Showgirls”?
-What twelve year-old boy auditions for a Broadway musical aimed at girls?
-The Cawler Purple? That’s horrible!
-You’re picking a fight with a twelve year-old. Your life sucks!
-The dogs are going to fall in love? Really?!?
-This boy is putting on a more feminine performance than anybody in the “Legally Blonde” musical.
-Is every audition the best one you’ve ever seen?
-Amber Lee is more of an airhead than Sharpay.
-I’ll tweet about Sharpay, too. It’ll be slander, though.
-“With Broadway, real people are watching.” Fake people go to the movies, apparently.
-Michael Vick suggests a dog fight to decide who will be the star.
-Two annoying women chatting with one another. When did this become a prequel to “The View”?
-The script for the play is flimsier than my life story.
-“I don’t do rejection.” That’s why the police issued a restraining order.
-Sharpay has dignity?
-Theatrical ninja is the worst type of ninja.
-“For a minute there, you bored me to death.” This movie has been doing that to me for thirty-eight minutes.
-“See it. Want it. Have a fit. Get it.” The life motto of Paris Hilton.
-Boy should be taught to bite Sharpay every time she says something stupid.
-I’m supposed to root for the protagonist, not hope she falls down a well.
-The closest this film will get to the Oscars is the Razzies.
-Stop sucking up to each other!
-This is the opportunity of a lifetime for me, as well. It gives me the opportunity to feel the pain equivalent of sticking my head in a deep fryer.
-We’re not going to see doggy sex, are we?
-“There’s only one thing that breaks my heart.” Starring in this movie?
-Amber Lee has the intelligence of a fruit fly.
-They’re laughing at you because you’re stupid, Amber.
-Does this play have to mirror Sharpay’s current condition?
-Chicken grease on heels. Fashion in Kentucky.
-“The dog is licking me.” Oh, the humanity!
-This scene sucks. Rehearse another one.
-Are these people too stupid to realize that Sharpay and Roger are foiling the other’s audition?
-“Am I the only one bothered by this?” This movie bothers me.
-If I break first, will this movie end?
-Amber, you’re yelling at dogs about being the star. Just start binge drinking now.
-Sharpay spells “Boy” B-O-I. How did she graduate High School?
-Sharpay having a meltdown is hilarious!
-Did her Dad just shoot the “Rock on” symbol to say goodbye?
-“I can’t go home. Not as a failure.” Too late.
-Drinking tap water won’t kill you (unless you’re in Mexico).
-Sharpay is going to be Amber’s assistant. Now she’ll know what it’s like to listen to an arrogant bitch all day.
-The wire hurts your scalp? Your voice hurts my ears.
-Sharpay is about as hot as Antarctica.
-Those paintings resemble this movie; splattered and ugly.
-Passing a kidney stone is less painful than this movie.
-The highlight of my night is when the credits roll.
-Now Sharpay is Amber’s maid, as well. Now she’ll know what it’s like to wade through shit all day.
-A montage of Sharpay doing chores. How exciting.
-I hope I don’t have the memory of a digital hard drive. I’d like to forget this movie as soon as possible.
-Are these people blind or just stupid?
-Roger, it’s not a good idea to reveal your secret plan in front of everybody.
-None of you have talent. Now shut up!
-The dogs ran away. Even they don’t want to be seen in this trash.
-A montage of the dogs spending the day together. Just shoot me!
-Adding a Justin Bieber song to the mix only makes things worse.
-I haven’t seen this hollow of a reunion since the Von Erich family reunion.
-“Bad Bad Boy Boy” sounds like a rejected pop song.
-Of course he has puppy dog eyes. He’s a fucking puppy!
-In New York, you have to sell your soul. That or your body.
-You seen potential in Sharpay? That’s your fault, Peyton.
-“I want the theater filled with people that love me.” Then it’s going to be empty.
-“I’m a star. I don’t have to be reasonable.” Adam Sandler’s explanation for why he did “Jack and Jill”.
-I can’t feel bad for Sharpay. She’s been a stuck-up bitch this whole time.
-“You must think I’m a total fool.” Yes, I do.
-“Perfect is so hard.” Not for Dolph Ziggler.
-Stop saying Sharpay!
-“I disappointed someone I care about.” Your agent?
-Sharpay has had a change of heart in three different films. Why should I care now?
-Now, Roger and Sharpay are joining forces to save the show. Yawn.
-“I like the way you think.” I don’t.
-I haven’t seen this many teeny-boppers in a theater since “Twilight.”
-“Does everyone here know how to applaud?” Not for this film.
-Amber Lee just insulted the audience. Not their intelligence, though.
-It’s like playing a game of “Where’s Waldo?” in trying to find men in the audience.
-“I don’t enjoy letting others down.” Then why did you do this movie?
-Sharpay got fired. Yay!
-Blah blah blah. You two like each other. Get to the point!
-“You know what today is?” Christmas and I’m stuck watching this. Somewhere in life, I went terribly wrong.
-“This isn’t how a movie’s supposed to end.” Did Peyton just break the fourth wall?
-If Amber Lee can quit, can I?
-It’s not Sharpay’s fault Amber Lee is such a bitch. Did I just defend Sharpay? What’s wrong with me?
-“It’s not over!” Damn it! Just let it end.
-Of course, Peyton conveniently filmed a private rehearsal of Sharpay’s. How else were they supposed to have a happy ending?
-You know, there weren’t too many songs in this movie. That’s a compliment.
-“I’m the answer to your prayers.” I’m being punished, aren’t I?
-“I’m New York’s best kept secret.” No, that would be the mutants hidden in the sewers.
-Seriously, this play shouldn’t be mimicking Sharpay’s life.
-“I’ve got something to prove.” That Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are better than you?
-Of course, Sharpay gets the role. Yippie.
-If Sharpay’s going to save the show, then it’s going down in flames.
-Boi and Countess can’t split the role of the dog. They’re two different breeds, you moron!
-“Ready isn’t as ready as you are.” What?!?
-They finally kiss and nobody cares.
-Sharpay’s parents are there to see her fail.
-Sharpay is the worst thing to happen to Broadway since “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark”.
-“I’ve got a feeling inside of me.” So do I. It’s called nausea.
-What’s with the fireman in the background?
-Riding on a hot dog cart is a good way to get AIDS.
-Here comes the token black guy of the play.
-Boo! You suck!
-She succeeded. We get it. End this already!
-Did her brother really need to make a cameo?
-Did anybody from East High fail after graduation?
That’s “Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure”. A film that makes the “High School Musical” films look like “The Sound of Music”. At least those films had likable main leads, to a degree. Here, we’re stuck with an arrogant bitch who, once again, has a change of heart. The only thing she should be changing is careers.
Happy holidays everyone! Hope you have a great New Year! See you next week.