What do Tom Hanks, Chuck Norris and James Belushi all have in common? They’ve all starred in movies where they team up with dogs. You remember that dog craze that invaded the buddy comedy subgenre, right? Since having two people team up wasn’t even, producers thought it was a good idea to throw dogs into the mix. It never turned out well.
K-9000 is like those movies, except worse. The dog here has been implanted with computer chips and can only speak to our main hero. He also doesn’t show up until halfway through the film, making us trudge through a boring crime comedy. Not that it picks up once he appears, but you catch my drift.
So, sit back, relax, grab your dog and enjoy my torture of K-9000.
-They should have replaced the lion in the MGM opening with K-9000.
-There’s no better way to start an action movie than with a malfunctioning vending machine.
-I’ve gotten angry at vending machines before, but not enough to want to exact “revenge”.
-“Machines don’t like me.” Maybe you shouldn’t touch them inappropriately.
-The title card just came out of nowhere!
-“Machines are as smart as animals.” You figure this one out, folks.
-Why is our main hero so paranoid of machines?
-I highly doubt machines are avenging the dinosaurs.
-They have hostages and are shooting at you, but you’re worried about your coat? You make me sick!
-Techno music doesn’t go well with car chases.
-How is this crime out of their jurisdiction? They were assigned to it, for crying out loud!
-Oh no! They hit the Beverly Hills sign. It’s down and out.
-Rule of thumb: when the criminals crash into a fashion store, you don’t have too, as well.
-Why are there nipples on that mannequin?
-Handcuffing a criminal with a bra is strangely kinky.
-The King of Pop apparently owns this store.
-Our hero sounds like “Rowdy” Roddy Piper mixed with Thomas Haden Church.
-I don’t think machines hate you. I think you just suck at using them.
-Who does give a fisherman’s fly?
-You can do a lot of damage with a tricycle, actually.
-Machines not liking you is not an excuse for being a terrible cop.
-If you love animals, why are you shoving them in your purse?
-Criminals listen to protests to warm up, apparently.
-“I’m running a degree.” I think you mean fever.
-Nothing’s more badass than a meter maid.
-Nice to see our hero is down with the cool kids.
-Our hero listens to slow ballads. I didn’t see that coming.
-Just drink the whiskey out of the bottle if you don’t have a glass.
-Who blasts music while watching the news? Also, when did he turn the TV on?
-Poor K-6000. He didn’t get his own movie.
-“That flake happens to be one of my oldest friends.” Congratulations! You’re friends with a flake.
-That gun fire sounded like a dog barking.
-The point of fading to black was…?
-Do a barrel roll!
-How do you know there’s no pulse? You’re not even touching him.
-Why are these scientists so acrobatic?
-A good way to prevent getting shot is by not standing in front of the guys with guns.
-Where did they get this score from? The garbage dump of James Bond video game themes?
-Shooting random things is always fun.
-There was an air duct there the whole time and it took you this long to use it to escape?
-“She’s predictable!” You don’t even know her!
-I thought you were searching for her. Why are you leaving?
-Asia Turner? Why do people name their children after continents?
-Are there only tree huggers or do tree kissers exist, too?
-He’s getting a new partner? Does this count as a break-up? The music seems to think so.
-You can bring pets into police stations?
-Did Eddie just get hit on by an old woman?
-“Mostly I saw stars.” Not in this movie, you didn’t.
-“Watch me!” I can do tricks!
-“You’ve been smoking your cat nip.” Somewhere, a stoner just had an idea.
-There’s a police fan club? Do they give out stickers?
-You were aiming directly at her, yet shot one of your men. You’re a terrible sniper!
-You missed him and he’s now out of sight. Stop wasting your bullets on the wall.
-Using a dead body as a human shield. Good idea!
-Why is she under arrest? She was the one being attacked.
-Is him having a picture of Morgan Fairchild in his wallet going to be a running gag? I hope not, as it’s not funny.
-“Innocent people don’t leave a trail of dead bodies everywhere they go.” You obviously haven’t watched any slashers.
-Why does nobody think to check abandoned buildings for criminals?
-Is the villain wearing a Ric Flair wig?
-Thirty five minutes in and no sign of the robotic dog. How disappointing.
-You’re creating super animals to build game parks and herd cattle? Okay, then.
-At least he gave you a light before punching you in the face.
-Considering I’ve never seen that guy with the other criminals, I assume Eddie just punched a random guy in the face.
-“Nobody doesn’t include my partner.” Yes it does.
-“Get here yesterday.” What exactly is that supposed to mean?
-The holes in the floors won’t hurt you if you avoid them.
-Oh no! They shot Eddie’s partner. You know, what’s-his-name.
-“These pipes must lead to where they’ve hidden the equipment.” That or the Mushroom Kingdom.
-It’s about time the star of this movie shows up.
-“I think it’s time for us to go.” I think it’s time to get to the point.
-“It’s time.” Vader time?
-Is that fire door made out of rubber?
-That was a mildly disgusting dog birth.
-“This is all about a dog?” What the audience has been asking themselves the entire time.
-Why are they kissing? They have no chemistry together.
-This became torture porn, all of a sudden.
-I know your ear hurts, but shoot straight please.
-That dog just tackled a criminal out the window. Not going to lie, that was awesome!
-What taxi driver honestly believes their passenger’s friend will get them money?
-The dog speaks through a micro chip. Just what this movie needed.
-So, Eddie slept outside all night without being bothered? I find that hard to believe.
-Delayed reaction to the dog talking, Eddie. You’ve been holding a conversation with him for the past few minutes.
-So, Eddie’s the only one who can hear K-9000, due to accidentally having a micro chip planted in his ear. Wonderful.
-“I’m as different from a dog as you are from an ape.” An evolution joke? Really?!?
-“You’re not a real dog?” You just now figured that out?
-Could they have gotten a blander voice for the dog?
-Talking dogs should be a sign for you to quit drinking.
-“What about me being a slob?” It’s pretty obvious, given your house is a mess.
-If you didn’t know what tennis was, this movie will explain it for you.
-This dog is a smartass.
-The expendable parts of your brain must be the ones they used to write this script.
-K-9000 is promising that Eddie won’t lose another dog in the line of fire. How much do you want to bet he gets shot at the end?
-Man and dogs running game parks together is a dumb idea.
-Hostage negotiations are best done at tea parties.
-They spent thousands of dollars to create a super dog that can detect human’s pacing. What a terrible way to spend your money.
-Taking someone’s paper is rude, not crazy.
-They built a telephone into the dog. Are you supposed to speak through his ass?
-Speaking through a dog’s ear. Now, that’s crazy!
-Crashing through windows is very popular in this movie.
-It looks like Eddie’s partner is living in a cheap bubble boy suit.
-“Life would be boring without you.” This movie is boring with him.
-It looks like the villain’s henchman is one of the last of the Mohicans.
-The word surgery elicits creepy music.
-Is the fire hydrant making K-9000 horny?
-No wonder this dog didn’t show up until halfway through the movie. He has all the answers. Had he shown up in the beginning, this film would have been thirty minutes long.
-Why did they decorate the inside of the building if they’re holding the party outside?
-Grooming tips from a dog. How embarrassing.
-Did Eddie just whisper sweet nothings into K-9000’s ear?
-“What did you do with my pants?” Insert sex joke here.
-Why are people surprised to see a dog at an animal rally?
-They know everything, Asia. Just shut up!
-How does nobody notice these guys with guns?
-“Dogs don’t play poker.” Is that Eddie’s memorable quip from this movie?
-“Do we spoil the lady’s party or not?” Spoil it!
-“I’ve been screwed like a light bulb.” Eddie shouldn’t be allowed to make one-liners.
-Being able to speak to a dog doesn’t rob you of solitude.
-Getting out of someone’s life doesn’t mean walking two feet away from them.
-Ooh, blackballing him from clubs and restaurants. That will teach him not to murder people. What’s next, sending him to bed without dinner?
-Why does that machine talk?
-That was way too easy to escape from.
-Why did Eddie throw Asia into boxes?
-Getting punched hurts Eddie, but not being thrown through glass. Talk about inconsistency.
-K-9000 doesn’t seem scared, just bored.
-Ankle lock!
-“You’re as bad as my Chevy.” Stop with the one-liners, already!
-“Does your mother know what you do for a living?” I don’t think he cares if she does or not.
-“Save the whales tomorrow, your butt today.” Knock it off, Eddie!
-Shoot the henchman, not the televisions they’re carrying.
-This movie wouldn’t have been complete without a car explosion.
-His plan is to create an army of annoying dogs? Why is he a threat?
-K-9000 got shot. Called it!
-Do bullets not hurt anybody in this movie?
-Way to no sell the gun shot, K-9000.
-This may be the only film I’ve seen where the bad guys have better aim than the heroes.
-Let me get this straight. Eddie can’t shoot the guy when he’s right in front of him. But, he can easily shoot him through a ceiling without seeing him? How does that work?
-Bullets are like reality stars in this movie. They do nothing.
-A boss battle on an observatory. Interesting location for one.
-Nice to see the town is empty for this showdown.
-You have Eddie hanging off the observatory. Why not knock him off, instead of walking away?
-You didn’t need a gun to finish Eddie off. All you needed to do was kick him.
-Was the villain carrying a trash can lid with him when he fell?
-Instead of hot wiring the observatory, Eddie could have simply pushed the down button.
-The music is too loud. I can’t hear what Eddie is saying. That may be a good thing.
-K-9000 is lying on the beach, wearing sunglasses. This film had to end with that image, didn’t it?
-We’re not actually going to see Eddie and K-9000 play poker, are we?
-A game of fetch is destiny? Don’t tell Alberto Del Rio.
That’s K-9000 for you. As bad as I expected this to be, I didn’t think it would be so boring. I thought it’d at least be more entertaining than “Turner & Hooch”, “K-9” and “Top Dog”. I was wrong. Not much happens in this film, which is disappointing, considering the dog was technically robotic. It’s a missed opportunity, one in which I missed.
See you next week!