Many otaku wonder what the future holds for them. Well fear no more. Here is the anime horoscope. Approved by the Pocky Pope himself.
Aries-
You haven’t won many mobile suit battles but this is your lucky day. Your rival has contracted arthritis in his hands. So leave a copy of Barely Legal in his room, and let self servicing cripple his pilot skills. Give yourself a hand up by taking his.
Taurus-
If you’re thinking of being a henchmen, better make sure to do your homework. A good boss is one that doesn’t overuse his body switching magic. That is unless it involves the gardening and cleaning crew at the Playboy mansion.
Gemini-
You will have good fortune today on your date. Just make sure to avoid places with lots of cold water. Specifically your buddy’s frat, pool party.
Cancer-
You’re quite the swords man, but being the best isn’t just about how well you swing the blade. Sometimes maintaining a shiny surface on your sword can impress others into submission. That’s why you should use Thompson’s no rust, surface polish. A katana so shiny, your parents will rethink advising you to commit seppuku.
Leo-
You will soon find yourself on a journey to rescue those around you. It will be a successful endeavor. But make sure a mouse doesn’t take credit for your effort.
Virgo-
You have so much on your plate to deal with. It’s bad enough to deal with boys who can’t take no for an answer, but there’s also the non human, multi-limbed kind who don’t even ask first. This best way to deal with this is over a hot cup of tea. Specifically with ole Obachan brand Turn-Your-Urine-to-Acid tea. A perfect way to deal with unwanted guests in private areas. The best thing protecting school girls since in-closet, effeminate boys.
Libra-
You are a person that seems torn between which game to pursue. You like playing with cards that have magic in them but you also like forcing magical creatures to fight each other against their will. Sometimes you can have the best of both worlds. Grab yourself a net and some tranquilizers, and go down to the local comic book shop. Capture yourself some card playing fanboys and force them to play against each other. That’s what they usually what they do but in this instance they play on top of a cage with an underfed magical creature. No matter who loses that match, you win.
Scorpius-
Revenge is usually a dish best served cold. But that applies more to your enemy than you. So make sure to have your can of gas ready to keep your flames going longer. Not diesel though since it takes a while to heat. (Yeah, that wasn’t anime related. Wanna fight about it?)
Sagittarius-
Remember to value your friends. Your relationship with them can help in many situations (almost like magic). So always know that we all have each other’s back.(yeah, another non-anime one. We’re gonna settle this behind Home Depot if you don’t shut it, little man)
Capricorn-
Giving people a roundhouse kick is pretty hard when you’re in a wheel chair. So attach some prosthetic feet to your wheels and speed rapidly near a row of people bent over.(btw,this character doesn’t care if you don’t know who she is)
Aquarius-
The best advice for somebody as ambitious as you is to avoid virgo. Seriously dude, she has enough to deal with. How many times do I have to tell you? Did that time in the prison yard teach you nothing?
Picses-
Idle hands are the devil’s playground. So get off the couch and stop flopping around in laziness. What’s that? You say you can’t? Well suck it up! And furthermore-ah crap!!
About the author: Glitch is a digital demon from planet Fanboy, and is here to teach us humans a thing or two. You can find more of his reviews(and nonsense) over at http://www.youtube.com/takenoutofcontext.