Welcome to the first of four editions of Halloween 2011 Movienalia! For the next month, all films featured will be of the horror variety. Forum member Spankymac helps out by picking our first film, as he was the second runner-up in the Edge DVD giveaway. He picked a great candidate!
“The Undertaker and His Pals” is as weird as it gets. Not via hallucinatory scenes or outlandish subject matter. It’s weird simply due to the way it’s written, acted, directed and edited. Even the music score is off-putting! Half the time, this movie is a horror movie. The other half it’s a comedy. It’s all bad, though.
So, kick back, relax and enjoy me do my best to avoid making too many Undertaker (wrestler) jokes!
-First thing we see is someone riding a motorcycle. How am I not supposed to make an “American Badass” Undertaker joke?
-It’s synchronized motorcycling!
-Technically, that doesn’t say ’Do Not Enter’. It says, ’Enter Not Do’.
-He’s going into the telephone booth. Is he changing into his Superman costume?
-Did he just prank call somebody? Seriously, the movie cuts to them driving away. So much for context.
-Is there a point to this movie or is it just them driving around?
-I hope Sally Lamb has a sister named Mary.
-Why is her room so yellow?
-Trombones ruin the tension, not add to it.
-Sally gets killed and the picture of her boyfriend turns to shock. I can’t make this up!
-I don’t think that knife was sharp enough to cut off her legs.
-Now, the boyfriend’s picture turned to a sigh. What the hell is going on?!?
-I swear that said ’Shitty Rest’, not ’Shady Rest’.
-They sell trading stamps at the funeral home. Do they have popcorn vendors, as well?
-Why would you play “Devil Like Me” when customers/mourners come in? That’s just cruel!
-Two people? What a terrible turnout for a funeral!
-Painting a dead person isn’t something to brag about.
-That window looks like the Trivial Pursuit logo.
-The Undertaker is trying to sell fake legs to the deceased’s parents. What a dick!
-When I hear an Undertaker say, “You’ll pay!”, I’m used to that meaning a Hell in a Cell match is coming soon.
-Even the private detective is a dick! Does this movie have any likable characters?
-“I’m going to jump out the window if you don’t marry me!” The world’s worst marriage proposal.
-“I hate you, Harry Glass!” Then you’ll probably hate Elijah Price.
-The special of the day being a ‘Leg of Lamb’ is hilarious!
-Calling a person a chicken because her last name is Poultry. Do you still attend Elementary School?
-People actually drink butter milk? I’ll be damned!
-“This joint would give Mr. Clean nightmares.” I wonder if Gordon Ramsey will steal this line.
-Why was there a drum roll for him leaving her house?
-The Wild Hogs were more intimidating than these three!
-Oh no! They kicked over a plant. How badass of them.
-Why are they wearing ski goggles?
-One thing these men have in common with the Undertaker (wrestler): they walk extremely slow.
-They abduct her and the camera focuses on a gate. Was the cameraman drunk?
-“I already told you everything. I don’t know anything.” Jessica Simpson’s life motto.
-“Your friendly Undertaker at your service.” One of many rejected catchphrases for the Undertaker (wrestler).
-“Mr. Glass, you are making a terrible mistake!” You should have never agreed to star in this movie!
-When you accidentally step on a skateboard, simply step off of it. Don’t ride it like an idiot!
-This is the only horror movie I know that has the killer fall on his ass, followed by Womp Womp Womp. Imagine if that happened in a “Friday the 13th” movie.
-Now, the special of the day is ‘Breast of Chicken’. I have to admit, this running gag is great!
-“A cut should not be too short.” This movie should be, though.
-“Why do you lock this door? Are you afraid someone is going to come in and get you?” That’s why locks were invented, genius.
-“We serve fresh meat!” How sweet!
-That was a terrible scream!
-The guy just got hit in the face with a pie, followed by Womp Womp Womp. Is this a comedy or a horror movie?
-“No ups, no extras.” There’s no point, either.
-Mr. Glass and the Undertaker are fighting. Shall we consider this a casket match?
-This secretary isn’t going to threaten to jump out the window for marriage too, is she?
-“My name is Friday.” Are you His Girl?
-What was the point of showing the exterior of the building in the middle of their conversation?
-I’m pretty sure people could see you two attacking her, considering your windows are open. The closed sign isn’t going to do much.
-You’re taking a break from killing her to kill a fly. What the hell is wrong with you two?!?
-Her intestines look like spoiled yogurt.
-They made her into Play-Doh?
-How did they sneak acid into their restaurant without anybody noticing?
-Did this movie just bleep itself?
-Who the hell are you calling?!?
-Aren’t spa rooms supposed to be steamy?
-Why did you punch the statue?
-The Undertaker is in a biker chain match. ;)
-I’ve heard of leaving clues behind, but not license plates.
-The Pals are betraying the Undertaker!
-Now, the Undertaker and the Cook are double teaming the Restaurant Owner. Who wrote this, Vince Russo?
-“Can you tell me who the Undertaker hangs out with?” Paul Bearer.
-If the Joker can survive an acid bath, than the owner should be able to, as well.
-Why was Friday hiding in the restaurant?
-I’m sorry, it’s Thursday, her identical twin. Do they have five other siblings to round out the week?
-There’s a dead body hanging next to you. Now’s not the time to start flirting.
-We better find out who they call this time!
-Why would you call your restaurant ‘The Greasy Spoon’?
-They didn’t even make a call. They just fidgeted with the phone. How random!
-This is the most boring car chase I’ve ever seen.
-“You can’t be a Playboy all your life.” Unless your name is Hugh Hefner.
-Back to the slow car chase. Woo hoo.
-Why wouldn’t you fill your gas tank before leaving?
-You almost hit me with your car! Can you give me a lift?
-Do you really think you can outrun two motorcycles?
-The Cook got hit by a truck. So did the cameraman, apparently.
-Random laughing for no reason.
-Random explosion. Michael Bay must have dropped by the set.
-Do we really need separate music for the Undertaker’s running and Thursday’s?
-Why the hell would you lunge at someone near the edge of a building? Even if you caught her, you would still have fallen off.
-How did he survive that fall? Is he The Giant?
-You’re telling me the main killer’s climactic death is by accident! Are you serious, bro?
-Why was the cop stabbing the curtain, anyway?
-Why are the dead people rising from their caskets and smiling?
Round One of Halloween Movienalia is over. This did feel more like a comedy than a horror. It’s as if the director didn’t know which to do, so he did both instead. The result is unintentional hilarity! Trust me, none of the actual comedy (sans the special of the day running gag) was funny. As for the horror aspect, it’s about as tense a music recital.
Thank you, Spankymac!