For the second installment of Halloween Movienalia 2011, I take a look at the second installment of “The Exorcist” franchise. You know, the one that followed up the classic 1973 horror film and got laughed out of theaters. I can see why, as it’s about as dull as dishwater. About as scary as it, too.
Grab some locusts and enjoy my pain and suffering of “The Exorcist II: The Heretic”.
-Why did Louise Fletcher’s name just float?
-Exorcist II title card makes a woman orgasm.
-The associate producter’s name is ‘Charles Orme’. I choose me.
-What’s with the flashing lights? Is this church located in Las Vegas?
-“I feel sick. Why me?” Because you touch yourself.
-Pazuzu is a pyromaniac.
-Burn baby, burn! Disco inferno!
-The power of Christ makes you tap dance!
-“Debbie? Debbie?” Are you doing Dallas again?
-Instead of feeling sorry for the bullied girl, why not help her?
-“I’m just wasting your time.” At least they warned the audience.
-“You keep saying you don’t remember that time in Washington.” I blame the tequila.
-“Would you care to explain the reason why you won’t accept this task?” It’s sweeps week!
-How much clothing is he wearing? Is he smuggling fruit?
-“Satan is an embarrassment to our progressive views.” Ever since he appeared on Jerry Springer, the world has been laughing at us.
-“Today, wherever I look, I see only evil.” Then move away from New Jersey.
-You’re so vain, Regan, you probably think this movie’s about you.
-The Casualties of a Diseased Society. That sounds like a good band name.
-I’d rather watch the telekinesis documentary that Regan’s watching than this.
-It looks like they wrapped a belt around Regan’s head.
-Regan’s practicing the Undertaker eye roll.
-“I want you to go deeper, Regan.” That’s what she said!
-“Is he in pain?” He’s watching this movie, so yes.
-Virtual reality games sucked in the seventies.
-If you were to take a drink every time they say ’deeper’, you’d be dead by the end of this scene.
-Flashback time! Or, as I like to call it, intermission for those who have seen the original.
-So, Pazuzu can enter dreams and mess with people’s hearts. Suck it, Freddy Krueger!
-“Do you remember?” This got a resounding ‘no’ from the audience a few months after the screening.
-“Did you see what you wanted to see?” Another question the audience answered ‘no’ to.
-Stop looking directly into the camera, Father Lamont! Especially when you say, “It was horrible!” It makes it seem as if you’re reading the audience’s thoughts.
-“We need to put the fire out.” But, we didn’t start it.
-A priest beating a flaming box with a crutch is rather funny.
-Why wasn’t the fire extinguisher the first thing you thought of grabbing?
-“Whatever it was, it saved the children.” Finally! Somebody is thinking of the children.
-“There’s an ancient demon locked inside of her.” That’s what I’ve been saying about Madonna for years.
-When did Pazuzu become a stalker?
-Pazuzu’s idea of a nightmare is Africa?
-When did this become a nature documentary on locusts?
-This just in: Pazuzu is the cause of sleepwalking.
-How the hell can Regan and Sharon afford such a luxurious apartment?!?
-Why did they never release “The Exorcist” Step Master?
-“The world doesn’t want any more saints.” Not after that Val Kilmer dud.
-“Did Father Merrin ever name the demon?” He called it Pookie.
-Has this house been abandoned since the original or does Regan’s mother still own it?
-“I pray for the soul.” I also make it chicken soup.
-Touched by the Shadow of Evil should have been a spin-off of “Touched by an Angel”.
-The Complications of Being Divorced; a rejected title for Ric Flair’s autobiography.
-That is a gaudy hat that Regan is wearing.
-The Synchronizer machine looks like an Atari with light bulbs attached to it.
-Pazuzu transports himself through locusts. What, were ladybugs unavailable?
-“I am Pazuzu!” My brother is Gazoo.
-I think the fat lady is singing.
-This is reminding me a lot of “127 Hours”. James Franco was inspired!
-All of these locusts would go on to star on “Fear Factor”.
-“Share my wings.” Thanks, but I don’t like Red Bull.
-Oh no! Pazuzu is chasing zebras!
-The cameraman learned how to fly!
-James Earl Jones is going to kick Pazuzu’s ass!
-“The leopard jumped right at me!” Not a phrase I’d expect from an “Exorcist” movie.
-Now you decide to talk to the bullied girl. Took you long enough.
-Who the hell says, “I was possessed by a demon” cheerfully?!?
-Regan is the cure for Autism.
-Don’t you ever talk to people again, Regan!
“How did you know I was coming here?” It said so in the script.
-Father Merrin fought Pazuzu in a museum? Was Ben Stiller his tag team partner?
-“I have no choice but to relieve you from your assignment.” We wish you well in your future endeavors.
-Rock climbing; just what I wanted from an exorcism movie.
-“Yellow. Yellow. Yellow.” Green light. GO!
-We interrupt this movie for a party.
-You’re supposed to take a sip of the wine, not chug it.
-She’s on the balcony, not the roof. Get it right!
-Why do birds suddenly appear, every time we discuss the devil?
-“I have to do what I think is best for you.” Then, why did you let her star in this sequel?
-Oh joy. More rock climbing.
-Now for some more tap dancing. Go back to the rock climbing!
-Now we’re back to rock climbing. Be careful what you wish for.
-Are they going to start a Pazuzu chant?
-“I’m not a devil worshipper!” I may watch Maury, but that doesn’t mean I’m a devil worshipper.
-Holy crap! They did start a Pazuzu chant.
-Father Lamont gets stoned and Regan feels it. Swap them out with Cheech and Chong and you’ve got the plot to “The Corsican Brothers”.
-Regan goes for the crowd dive and fails miserably.
-“Trying to kill my soul.” The tagline for the E! Network.
-Who lands a jet plane in the middle of the beach?
-“Edward’s my name.” I hope he has a rival named Jacob.
-On the Wings of Doom. Another good name for a band.
-Stop butting in line, Father!
-Nothing like random nudity to spice up this movie.
-“Call me by my dream name.” We can have dream names now? Sweet! I call Lord Freak-a-Doodle.
-I imagine being the Lord of the evil spirits of the air gets you laughed at during Satan’s meetings.
-Here’s another drinking game: take a drink every time they say ‘Kokomo’.
-Never interrupt James Earl Jones when he’s napping!
-Did James Earl Jones just say he’ll spit a leopard?
-Walking on nails. James Earl Jones invented Jackass.
-Did I just see two locusts making love?
-Why does this score remind me of Christmas?
-Bath time. I hope rubber ducky doesn’t get possessed.
-When I run away, the first place I go to wouldn’t be the museum.
-It’s good to know Sandra is still talking. You know, since it has so much to do with the plot.
-The Synchronizer makes such funny noises.
-“Your hopes die with you.” When did this become a speech on life and death?
-I think Richard Burton is walking off the set.
-The fact that a rabbi randomly walked by Father Lamont is hilarious.
-Why are you watching the kids recite “Old MacDonald”? Aren’t you supposed to be looking for Regan?
-“Leave her alone! She belongs to me!” Jealous much?
-“I need a doctor!” I know the movie is painful, but a doctor can’t help.
-I just seen a plane, train and an automobile within seconds of each other. No sign of Steve Martin or John Candy, though.
-When did they board the plane?
-I didn’t know doctors could overrule police officers.
-What the hell broke the windshield?!? Locusts?
-“Let me reach you.” This is the type of dialogue that exists in this movie.
-Pazuzu makes the ladies go wild!
-If you’re going to use a body double for the possessed Regan, make sure the person looks like Linda Blair.
-Did James Earl Jones just possess Regan?
-Why did Regan start speaking Spanish?
-“You must tear out her evil heart.” This is the only way to defeat Barbra Walters.
-The locust POV shots are funnier than they are scary.
-Locusts can destroy houses, apparently.
-This is reminiscent of the tornado scene in “The Wizard of Oz”. All we need now is for Satan to fly by on a broom.
-What and why is Regan lassoing?
-Lassoing the air makes locusts disappear? Good to know.
-“I chose evil.” What Kim Kardashian’s husband said in his wedding vows.
-“I’m sorry!” It’s about time you apologized for this movie.
-Good luck explaining the destroyed house to the cops, Dr. Tuskin.
Thus ends “The Exorcist II: The Heretic”, which had only about twenty minutes of exorcism in it. The rest of the time was given to flashing lights, locusts, leopards and James Earl Jones. Actually, James barely got any screen time. For his sake, that’s for the better.
Join me next week as Halloween Movienalia 2011 continues!