The All-American story of a boy and his dog.
Recently on some Nickelodeon off spring channel in the twilight of my sleepless nights, I’ve been seeing a bunch of old shows. By old I mean 1994, so no Flintstones or Mr. Magoo here. For me, and numerous others, that was during my formative childhood. It brings back a yearning for those halcyon grade school days before I had credit card bills, mid-terms and a job. Back then all I had to worry about was playing Barnyard Chess with my dog, strumming on my banjo and wearing my sweater vest. Wait….I think I did it again. Yep, I confused my life with Doug Funnie’s.
Oh right, I'm built like that too. Hence my mix up.
This show came out in 1991, and again in 1996. The less said about the last part the better. We’re sticking with Nick for now. Maybe Disney will have its day someday. For now, we’re discussing the show centering on Douglas Yancey Funnie, and his adventures dealing with bullies, puppy love, anthropomorphic animals and a neighbor just waiting to be sent to jail. He also loved perhaps the greatest vegetable themed band in the world:
You need more allowance? You're all like 40!
Doug I think paved the way for the superior Hey Arnold.; the super-imaginative lead with the far more interesting supporting cast. Switch the cool black friend with a blue guy and the crazy grandparents with idiotic parents. Doug’s imagination wasn’t so abstract. He was kind of normal. He dreamt about Patti being his favorite condiment, him and his friends being literally giant rock stars and being superheroes and detectives. I can’t name a Halloween party I’ve been to in the last ever where some guy wasn’t Quailman. I wish though that wearing your underwear outside of your pants was the sickest thing about this show. Sadly, it gets darker. We’re not talking Nematodes here, I mean some real depraved stuff.
Let’s face it. There is a reason the internet has theories about the parents from the Rugrats being swingers. Early 90s cartoons had some perverted and dark stuff in there, just below the surface. I recently watched the episode “Doug can’t dance” and completely superfluous to the plot, Mr. Dink is playing golf at the onset. He asked his wife if she wants to “shag some balls” and end scene. It serves no purpose.
Please Douglas! I didn't mean it. Don't tell the cops!
That’s not it. I mean, the facts are there. The vice principal is named Mr. Bone. The elementary school principal is named Buttsavage. And even though Lil Jon would introduce white America to this term about a decade later, someone had to know what was going on when they started calling Mr. Valentine “skeet face.” That cannot be an accident. There is a lot of sick stuff here. One thing that this show had going for it in the edgy department was letting one courageous girl be herself. It is a widely known truth here at the FAN…
Miss Patti Mayonnaise is a lesbian!
That’s right. Before all those other celebrities made it cool to be gay, or whatever actually happened in the world, this young girl was constantly harassed by Doug and Roger about being their arm candy, and she bravely denied them. She stuck her chest out, played sports well, and cut her hair shorter than her skirt line and said, “I will not be held to the standards set by those chauvinists at Ren and Stimpy. I am a lesbian and proud of it. Don’t think I’m right? Maybe some proof from some of the members of the FAN message board will help.
Chris Decker (who brought this to my attention) – “Doug really isn’t that terrible looking of a guy, and has a hell of a lot of charisma. I mean what’s the big deal? She is better than all of the guys in general at all sports. Tries out for the guys baseball team when their plenty of women’s sports available in Bluffington. The facts don’t lie people. Patricia Mayonnaise is a lesbian.
Lildude8218– I saw some of those uncensored Doug episodes on Youtube……it gives the phrase “Bangin on a trash can” a whole new meaning.
Colt– Pattie munches carpet.
The Undead Taylor- What actually happened was Mr. Dink had been molesting Patty throughout her childhood, causing her to develop a complex where she could not have a relationship with men, hence why no matter how hard Doug tried, he could not get her.
Now if these fine posters and I haven’t convinced you, I must quote the great Moo Sleech in saying: “Your overconfidence will be your undoing. EN GARDE!” I have one more picture to prove my theory. It was found by Vampiro138, and shows Patti and her new lover Connie in a compromising position.
Enough of that female golf business, there are other characters on this show worth discussing. Well, the amalgamations of a starry eyed kid’s mind to be more specific. I’m of course talking about Doug’s numerous and famous alter egos. We have Quailman who I mentioned before. He wore a belt on his head and resided in the Thicket of Solitude. We also had Smash Adams, who was a rip-off of 007. It makes sense though, if your love interest is gay, dreaming about winning her over in dangerous situations isn’t a bad outlet. My personal favorite was Race Canyon, a knock off Indiana Jones. I don’t know why, I just remember little me liking him the most. The best alter ego belonged to a certain blue kid though….
The one and only Silver Skeeter
Yeah, Doug’s best pal was great. He made honking noises and could dance like a man possessed. He was also a genius and had the coolest little brother this side of the Appalachian (whichever side Bluffington is on). Along with Skeeter comes Doug’s family for support. His mother Theda and father Phil. The mom is clumsy and mousy and the dad is a nincompoop. Not good looking out. They also had to be poor as Theda had no job and Phil was a department store photographer. Sister Judy is clearly the most interesting and human Funnie and is a beatnik. She wears cool clothes, loves Shakespeare and goes to a performing arts school. In other words, she is kind of a putz too. The in house awesome came from Pork chop, the family dog. I could explain, but he lives in an igloo and the area seems to have a temperate climate. He’s amazing. Other than his idiot crazy rapist neighbor and the sardonic wife of said rapist, the city of Bluffington that the Funnie’s moved into is filled with pretty nice to harmless people.
Doug may have actually been the biggest threat.
First off, Mayor Bob White (Vote for him!) is in charge of keeping order in Bluffington. He wants to keep the city pretty, at expense of good judgment. He is likely just a pawn in Bill Bluff’s game of “screw all your poorie’s.” Oh, you don’t know Bill Bluff? He’s the rich guy that controls the town. And even though it’s from the Disney version, I have to mention that he built a school and shaped it like his daughter’s head. He’s a great, terrible man. His daughter is Beebe, the typical rich snob, but since she’s friends with the lesbian and the poor photo man’s son, clearly she has her good points. She detests the main tormenter and antagonist Roger Klotz, as do most people. He’s the typical bully. He tries to snake the girl of Doug’s dreams and is an all-around knob. He has a group of lackey’s as friends but still is nice to the main cast when convenient to the plot and his lackeys are being stupid.
Or in love.
That leads us to the mysterious green people in Bluffington. Connie Benge is the nicest girl you’ll ever meet and fat and adorable. She only hates other greens though as exhibited when punches Roger out at a party. I think we’ve had enough green on green violence. Chalky Studebaker is the nicest jock in the world, that is until high school when he realizes Doug is a whiny twerp and likely gives him a swirly (not ice cream). All the greens are super nice, even the school teacher Ms. Wingo.
Sadly, a non-green school teacher with an affinity to yodel and try to be Don Knots as hard as he can is always a buzz kill. Mr. Bone is the main antagonist in Doug’s’ real life and his imagination. Mr. Bone, as implied, is a real dick. Other chracters are Al and Moo Sleech, who I have nothing really to say about them, I just liked them and wanted to mention them. There was also Fentruck!
Creepy exchange students
So, got a little long winded about Doug. If you liked reading all that, than you’re welcome. If you didn’t, then you probably won’t see this sentence so whatever. Overall Doug was really good as a memory. Viewing as an adult is not so great, but I still appreciate the charm that this show had. So did Nickelodeon, as I hear they are planning a gritty reboot for Teen Nick next summer.
Why is Doug in wanted? Oh right, here’s the teaser for the new season:
Photography courtesy of: 90schild.com, dougfunniesjournal.com, and photobucket/doug.com